To not want too see MIL anymore?

[Mumnetter1234]

Baby due soon. And whilst at a dinner round MIL’s it came up in conversation where I mentioned I had made the choice not to breastfeed. And since then MIL has not stopped making little comments about it all the time. And it’s really starting to get on my nerves. I know she’s just trying to help but the constant “advice” of her showing me pumps I should buy and getting me breastfeeding books she’s gifted me is really making me want to distance from her. I’m just worried what’s going to happen when baby is actually here if she’s going to continue with all the “subtle tips.” Am I overreacting and should I just continue with the smile and ignore tactic? Would really appreciate all perspectives from MIL’s and mums who have been in my boat.
TIA

She can lecture you about BF for a few months tops but you're gonna be a mum for the rest of your life. Believe me that job is going to be a lot easier with a loving grandparent supporting you and your child. I realise it's upsetting but I think you have to consider very hard whether it's worth falling out over. Whether you want to hear it or not bf has been proven to have lots of benefits for mum and baby. Your choices are your own but unless your MIL is literally pinning you down and forcing you to BF then it's difficult to defend falling out with her IMO. She's politely advocating something that there's a lot of positive evidence for albeit annoyingly and relentlessly. By all means tell her you don't want to hear it but please don't burn your bridges. It's 100% not worth it.

Don’t be ridiculous

Im very much ‘fed is best’ but it’s absurd to suggest it’s ‘just an opinion’ to say breastfeeding is better, especially when someone has made a decision during pregnancy to not even try

No polite smile and nod. Give a very firm and clear 'I've told you my decision, drop it'. However your baby is fed they are cared for, the decision is entirely yours. You've made the right one and can enjoy the time with your baby when they arrive!

No discussion, tell her that you don't want her advice or opinions on feeding and if she won't stop then you will distance yourself and the baby from her.

You get so much unsolicited advice when you have a baby, if it's someone you don't see often or a stranger the nod and ignore works but it's so draining when it's someone you're closer to. I had the opposite and had everyone telling me to stop bfing because; i was making a rod for my own back, over feeding, under feeding, spoiling the baby, stopping anyone else bonding with the baby... You know what they say about opinions and arseholes?
I let it go for a while then had a standard 'they are my baby and how I feed them is my choice' type of reply.

There is a huge difference between saying breastfeeding can be an amazing experience and I can help support you. To breast is best how dare you question it. Get on and do it!

It does, however give the baby a good healthy start. Plus it's free and convenient.

Formula is also great. It's expensive but you don't have to do all the feeding alone!!

It's not 'how dare you question it' though it's that there is no question. I wouldn't berate someone for choosing not to BF but I don't see why we should have to blindly ignore an abundance of scientific fact either.

I would never fall out with someone for smoking but I'd sure as hell be prepared to argue with someone if they tried to tell me smoking is good for you... If you make a suboptimal lifestyle choice of any kind then you have to be prepared to own it and accept it for what it is. Why should other people be expected to pussyfoot around objective, unquestionable fact?

I actually think you come across as quite aggressive.

It's not really something a new mum needs to argue about. If she prefers formula because that's best for her then I'm not sure why you need to stick your nose in.

This has already descended into the BF vs FF debate…
A) this is an excellent opportunity to remind MIL whose baby it is before the chaos of newborn life hits! You will make different choices for your child than she did for hers. Smile and say thanks but no thanks.
B) for my two cents worth because of all the ridiculous breast is best rhetoric I drove myself into the ground trying to breastfeed despite my baby failing to thrive, and I became so low and sleep deprived that I became suicidal. I narrowly avoided being admitted to a psych unit and it took months of medication and therapy to recover. The breastfeeding rhetoric about the best start led me to believe I had failed my baby. In absolutely no way was that the best start for my baby. The formation of attachment is way way more important for their future development than breast milk and a mum being supported to make choices she is happy with is a great platform to build from.

Aggressive for stating fact? This is exactly what's wrong with the world ... My point is you can absolutely choose not to bf your baby. You can even choose to tell people who promote bf to shut up and leave you alone. What you will never be able to do is make bottle feeding as good as bf. I find it aggressive that anybody would openly dispute this without a single shred of evidence to the contrary...

As someone who is exclusively breastfeeding a baby, and not for the first time, it is important to recognise that while breastmilk is the optimal source of nutrition, the mother goes through a lot to provide it. I'm not joking when I say there was literal blood, sweat and tears involved in establishing breastfeeding. My nipples felt like they had been slammed in a door for the first few weeks and I sobbed so much from the pain in the hospital that the lady in the bed across from me started crying too! My nipples were cracked and bloody and I was distraught. Don't even get me started on the poor weight gain at the start!

I love breastfeeding and think it's amazing but my goodness, it requires a huge amount of commitment, determination, bloody mindedness and strength to get through the early days. In fact, it can almost spoil those formative moments, depending on the experience. Your MIL means well, but it will you that has to (potentially) go through all of this and then be responsible for feeding for however long you do it.

@Nahimjustaworm

I just wanted to add of course breast milk is the optimum milk and has benefits.
however it’s not just about the type of milk, it’s everything that fits in around it too.
I come at this as above as someone who had a significant depressive episode as well as a mental health professional myself.
For some mums their medication and mental state mean breastfeeding is absolutely not best and could threaten relapse for them.
For some mums breastfeeding is not best as it triggers memories of abuse.
For some mums breastfeeding is not best as they have illnesses where fatigue can bring on relapses.
For some babies breastfeeding is not best as they are too weak to latch effectively.

I don’t debate Breast milk is amazing but ‘breastfeeding’ as a feeding method is not always best for mother or baby.

Am I overreacting and should I just continue with the smile and ignore tactic?

Ask MIL to stop. It’s not fair to punish her with no contact with you and therefore the baby because you or DP haven’t asked her to stop yet.

I mean its none of her business. I don't think she should interfere. Like others said. Just say you have made your choice and that is that. I don't think it's worth falling out over. I'm sure like most pregnant women you may be a bit emotional and snappy. See how it goes I'd say. Don't let it get you down

I would either say it face to face or send a message if you don't feel comfortable saying it face to face, something like "I appreciate that you think that you're helping me but I've made my decision and you are not going to change it. You've had your time with your children and now it's my time to make decisions about my child myself"

If she continues, you can even be as brazen as saying "That's wonderful. When you have your next baby, you can do that but I'm not doing it with mine".

@Nahimjustaworm reading your post in a Hyacinth Bucket voice.

Just a hunch but I’m guessing this isn’t the first time your MIL has tried to interfere with your life?

"should I just continue with the smile and ignore tactic?" indicates that you have let her get away with making all of her suggestions, comments etc. so why would you expect her to stop? When she makes her comments you have to make it clear (politely) that you are bottle feeding....every time. Otherwise nothing will change.

This. I don’t understand how people can just outright dismiss something that is best for their child

Very well said

Completely disagree.....as someone who breadfed all 4 of my children.

The OP has made her choice for her reasons.

She doesn't have to justify her decisions to any one.

Least of all her MIL.

@Nahimjustaworm and just like you believe you have a right to share your views on breastfeeding/smoking, the OP has every right to NOT wish to hear it and not to be around someone who feels compelled to give their completely unasked for, unwelcome view.

Non smoker here, but I think it is beyond rude to be lecturing others about their choices.

OP,
I really hope you get your husband to tell her give over or not to visit.

I doubt this will be the last of her efforts to give her views on YOUR baby.🙄

The OP has written that she has made a "CHOICE" not to breastfeed, NOT that she had dismissed breastfeeding.

Every woman has the right to make their own choice on this matter without being lectured by breastfeeding busybodies🙄.

You're right nobody has to justify their decision not to bf but nor should they expect anyone to deny the abundance of evidence of its benefits. It's one of the few things in parenting that there is cold, hard, evidence for. If you choose to disregard this evidence then that's your choice but if you're going to try and suggest that this choice is better/the same as the alternative when there's decades of evidence to the contrary then lots of people are going to have a hard time with that....

I never said I'd lecture someone about smoking I just said I'd challenge them if they tried to claim it wasn't harmful

I actually said in pp that I could see why this was annoying OP and adv her to just tel MIL to drop it. I agree it's rude. I don't agree though that you should cut a presumably loving GP out for it

Your choice entirely. At least she can’t force you to do it, so she’ll have to accept your decision sooner or later.

I’m not saying she needs to justify it to someone. I just think it’s strange to decide not to do something like this without trying it