To not want too see MIL anymore?

[Mumnetter1234]

Baby due soon. And whilst at a dinner round MIL’s it came up in conversation where I mentioned I had made the choice not to breastfeed. And since then MIL has not stopped making little comments about it all the time. And it’s really starting to get on my nerves. I know she’s just trying to help but the constant “advice” of her showing me pumps I should buy and getting me breastfeeding books she’s gifted me is really making me want to distance from her. I’m just worried what’s going to happen when baby is actually here if she’s going to continue with all the “subtle tips.” Am I overreacting and should I just continue with the smile and ignore tactic? Would really appreciate all perspectives from MIL’s and mums who have been in my boat.
TIA

But is the OP doing that?

She's written that she has made HER choice.
End of.
For whatever reason.

Her mother believes it's an open discussion that she has some god given right to contribute to.

I just find it very rude.
I don't think the OP asked her MIL for her view.

Over the years I have met my share of great young mothers who were bullied, humiliated, harangued for their choices.

Just awful.

Yes of course breastfeeding is undoubtedly better, but it isn't for every woman for a variety of reasons.

Having a first baby is a bigger enough deal for women without having other people critique THEIR choices.

Breastfeeding is sadly just another stick to beat women with.

Would I like my daughters to breastfeed?
Absolutely.
Will I offer my unasked opinion on it?
Absolutely not.

You think it is strange for another woman to make a completely different choice to yours?🤔

I think women have every right to make THEIR decision on what works best for THEM without having to explain or discuss it with ANYONE.🤷🏻‍♀️

OP is this your 1st baby? You are going to get so much advice from different people, just smile and say yes maybe I will try that, but if you don't want to then don't, you will get some good advice too though. Just smile and ignore MIL, that is what I did, I had the pressure from my own mother! It's your baby, you do what you feel is best.

I think it’s strange to decide not to do something so beneficial for your own baby, yes. I’m entitled to that opinion - and I don’t think it’s as odd as your passive aggressive emoji suggests. It’s only in the UK that people give so little fucks about breastfeeding - most other countries and cultures manage to do it with little fuss.

@Holly60 no I will not be changing my mind. Have complete respect for mums that choose to breastfeed but for my lifestyle it just wouldn’t work. My work is very important to me and I do not want to give it up when baby is here, it involves business trips away overnight and weeks away so it would be much more practical for DP to be able to feed her too without having to rely on me pumping. I have my other reasons but I can’t even imagine saying them on mumsnet without having a million replies calling me selfish. I definitely think we have a long way to go before everyone understands it is the mums choice and should not be made to feel bad for doing something they’re not comfortable with.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick not never speaking to again, just distancing. Hoping that that would kind of send a message. It’s nice that she cares but it can be a little much. I’m just worried that when baby is here she will step it up and the advice will become a regular thing. But I appreciated hormones are making me hypersensitive so it is highly likely I’m overreacting 😂

Would you be ok with her telling you how you should give birth, to have sex more often with your partner or give you a weight goal? All different examples but the idea is the same: she has absolutely zero right to try and force her ideas on what you should do with YOUR body upon you. The fact that you’re pregnant doesn’t make you a vessel for her grandchild that she can project her ideas on. I would be telling her that too, in very clear words. What she is doing is literally so inappropriate on so many levels.

The difference is I’m not preaching that breast feeding is bad so there should be no reason to argue in your smoking analogy?
I think you can disagree with something without actually saying anything. Unless your asked for your opinion why do you have to act like the person is stupid and doesn’t know anything about the scientific facts?

I’m sorry that is so out of line and I would be furious. Completely shocked that anyone could say that without anyone else stepping in.

@Nahimjustaworm Have never claimed to preach to others that breast feeding does not have its benefits and have not denied the scientific evidence. “Challenge them if they tried to claim it wasn’t harmful” bottle feeding is not harmful? As long as baby is fed that is best. How is it harmful to feed your child ? So much so that someone has to step in and tell you…

OP hasn't asked anyone to deny anything about breastfeeding. She's come on to ask for advice on how to deal with her MIL. You seem determined, however, to browbeat her in thinking she's making a terrible choice. You're being as bad as the MIL in inflicting stress upon a pregnant woman who has made her choice about her body and her child and shouldn't be made to feel bad about it. Shame on you.

Just to add to comments above other countries manage it because the culture is to breastfeed- in some places every woman you know would have breastfed and be able to offer advice and help. In other countries mums get lots more practical support so they can just take to their bed / sofa and feed. In the UK midwives and HV solution to everything is ‘stop breastfeeding’, most of my friends haven’t been successful in breastfeeding and none of my family members breastfed so nowhere to get advice, and I had to return to work With antisocial shifts so stopped by 4 months.

After the trauma of trying the first time next time I will probably go to combinfeeding and then exclusively FF pretty quickly. The brilliant thing about bottle feeding is the sleep! My husband and parents have been able to feed which when you have raging D&V you’re very grateful for 😂

I would OP say though I still would give any baby colostrum. It’s very anecdotal but the babies I know who have never had any breast milk have been much more prone to sickness whereas the ones I know who were breast fed for even under a week have been much more resilient to infections.

I think you need to learn to enforce boundaries without threatening to go NC. Otherwise you are in for a very bump ride with your ILs going forward.

I find all the 'yes ur mil is over stepping the boundaries, but do u think u might change your mind' fascinating! the op doesn't need the comments from her mother in law or random people on mm!

Exactly. Or going low contact and "hoping it sends a message"which is very passive aggressive. Just speak up!

I decided well before my babies were born that I simply didn't want to breastfeed at all. I would be bottle feeding them. So I did. I don't think it is a strange decision at all. My body, my choice, and I personally wanted it back after nine months of pregnancy. End of story.

OP, your MIL is being rude and disrespectful. Don't try subtlety as it almost certainly won't work. Tell her bluntly to stop this shit as your decision is made and will not be changed.

"Look, things change over time. Paedophilia was also popular in the 70s, but I'm not taking him to the Radio 1 studios either"

My comment about OP changing her mind was simply me reflecting that sometimes people change their minds, and it can be healthy to be prepared that you might do this.

Many women also think they will breastfeed and then change their minds and end up FF instead. I've witnessed this cause a lot of angst and I just wonder if some of this might be avoided if they'd given themselves time and space to consider beforehand that they might change their minds. If they'd had a plan B, as it were. Whether this was researching which brand of formula they wanted to use, or talked to people who had FF about the benefits etc. Then if they decided breastfeeding wasn't right, it would be more of a case of 'well, on to plan b then'.

It's just about recognising that what we think motherhood will be like, is not always the reality, and it's totally ok for it to be whatever it is. Applies to loads of scenarios, not just feeding.

Yes, breast milk is the gold standard. But if a mother makes a different choice because it's better suited to her family circumstances and lifestyle, then it's her body and completely her decision.

I say this as a BF mum who believes in its benefits, and also one who is saddened by the woefully low BF rates in the UK. But Granny is being spectacularly unreasonable here. It's not okay to keep browbeating someone into capitulating to what you think is best, when you've already been told that a decision has unequivocally been made.

Cutting her off is a bit extreme, but from now on I'd make my parenting decisions under the assumption that these are not up for discussion and not inform her of these at all.

Best wishes for a safe delivery, OP.

Yes, breast milk is the gold standard

Breast milk is the biological norm.

OP, no one should be giving you grief about this or anyone else. You’ve had good advice on how to ask her to back off and respect your choices. Get DH to have a word if she won’t.

OP, this is the perfect opportunity for you to practise putting nice clear boundaries in with MIL. Next time she says anything I would reply with, “Cynthia, you are of course welcome to your opinion but I don’t need to hear it. I have made my decision about feeding DC. If you cannot respect this then I’m afraid we will have a falling out as my body and what I do with it is not up for discussion.”

If she continues, then leave. Every single time.

You need to make your stand now as, once baby is here you may feel too weak, emotional or tired to put your foot down over matters.

Good luck!

It's none of her business!

I didn't breast feed. I didn't want to!

The research may well say "breast is best" but personally I haven't heard of a baby who didn't thrive because they were bottle fed.

Each to their own!

Same here! Many future projections from breastfeeding is actually useless! My exclusively breastfed dd now 12 is in no better health than my ff now 6yo dd!