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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask 'how much are you looking to spend?' Or similar when I'm asked what gift to get ds?

84 replies

anotherq · 10/08/2022 09:00

Imagine this
You speak to your son on the phone every day (usually dad)
It's your grandsons first birthday in 6 weeks.

Every couple of days the same conversation happens. Word for word, exactly the same

You ask your son 'what should we buy DGS for his birthday?'
Your son replies 'I'll ask anotherq what she thinks'

He then asks his partner and she replies (every time) 'how much are they looking to spend?'
He says 'I don't know. I think they'll be happy with about £100'
His partner replies 'ask them how much they'd like to spend and I will forward things I've put in a wish list'
Again, this is also WORD FOR WORD the exact same every time

For context, partner has been thinking, planning and browsing since March. She has narrowed down a list of three big (£70-£100) things and small and medium (from £20-£50) gifts
Partner doesn't want to assume grandparents want to spend £100 on a gift.
The son is guessing this amount from the top of his head
Partner says 'What if they do want to spent £100 but only want to buy a £50 gift? Or two? Or what if they want to spend £70 and want it split over a few items?' Who knows? (unless you ask...)

So now it's been two phone calls since they last asked and it's going to come up again soon
The son says partner should send a few things to his mum of different prices
The partner says, once again 'just ask your parents how much they would like to spend'

So, my question is, is there something wrong with your son saying 'how much would you like to spend?' In this situation? Would you be offended? I don't know if I am not understanding something here.
Happy to be told I am unreasonable and open to other phrasing suggestions please

OP posts:
Youcancallmeirrelevant · 10/08/2022 09:04

I think it is a bit, why can't you just send them the wishlist with the range of items on?

Yellowcar2 · 10/08/2022 09:05

Ummm I don't think I'd ever ask my parents what they wanted to spend. I'd just send them some ideas and let them pick. Are you worried about people doubling up? If so send the list and then just ask if they can let you know what they got so you don't ask anyone else for it.

FOJN · 10/08/2022 09:06

The son says partner should send a few things to his mum of different prices

This is the obvious solution, the grandparents can then decide for themselves how much they want to spend. I think it's quite rude to insist that gift suggestions can't be made until a budget has been supplied.

The son is presumably parent to the grandchild too so why is the mother assuming or accepting the responsibility for deciding what gifts the grand child should receive from the father's parents.

JM10 · 10/08/2022 09:09

We do an online gift list and family mark the things they are going to buy so there's no doubling up and I can buy the things the children really want if no one else has marked it.

Rainallnight · 10/08/2022 09:11

I’m with the son, sorry. But ask them to let you know asap when they’re choosing so you can get the rest (or whatever you want)

Redshoeblueshoe · 10/08/2022 09:13

As a GP in this situation I always say - can you let me know what X would like for their birthday/Christmas my budget is £x

IsDaveThere · 10/08/2022 09:17

Its seems like a lot of drama just for a birthday present and I can't work out who the partner/son/parent is in this situation.

Instead of asking 'how much would you like to spend' that person should just suggest a few different items of various prices. If they don't, the person wanting to buy the gift should just buy what the heck they like and stop asking the same question over and over again!

Becky6758 · 10/08/2022 09:18

Asking how much they want to spend is perfectly normal.

JenniferBarkley · 10/08/2022 09:20

I would just suggest something at roughly 20, 50 and 100 and ask which they would like to get. And bear in mind their preferences too - both sets of grandparents are generous here, but my side like to give a toy they can enjoy seeing the DC play with, whereas my in-laws prefer to give more useful things like clothes or furniture or similar.

dehloh · 10/08/2022 09:25

The whole thing baffles me tbh. I have never been a fan of the present ordering thing. I would just simply buy a gift suitable for a one year old.

Teddeh · 10/08/2022 09:29

Can the partner who made the list just send a copy of the list to the other partner so he can make suggestions directly to his family (and update the list if they tell him what they've decided, to avoid duplicates)?

TeddyTonks · 10/08/2022 09:31

I wouldn't necessarily suggest specific gifts but a theme and then they can decide how to much to spend, and also have the joy of actually picking a gift. For eg.'DGS is really into star wars Lego right now, there are lots on the John Lewis website to choose from, he'd be happy with anything you pick', or 'We're buying a bike as DGS's main gift, so a helmet 2ould be lovely, Halfords do some good ones and he's size X, the bike is blue so maybe a matching colour?'

If they really want specific suggestions I'd definitely suggest a few in various price ranges and say he'd be happy with any of them. I'd feel rude and grabby asking what the budget is.

Cognacsoft · 10/08/2022 09:32

I don't have to be asked I just say what would dgs like for x amount or would you sooner put money in his bank and I'll get a small gift.
If I didn't however, ds would ask me how much i want to spend
Job done
Why are people such bad communicators.

It's not rude, it actually makes life simpler for everyone.

clickychicky · 10/08/2022 09:33

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 10/08/2022 09:04

I think it is a bit, why can't you just send them the wishlist with the range of items on?

Yeah just do this. And keep a list going on your phone as and when you think of things so their son can just copy and paste if he's too lazy to think of things themselves

AliasGrape · 10/08/2022 09:36

Well asking what they want to spend doesn’t strike me as wildly offensive, but I don’t ask usually, I just offer a few ideas of different prices. I think your partner clearly doesn’t want to ask so id send a couple of options, or ask them yourself?

I know what you mean about wanting to know, because even if I suspected they were willing to spend £100, I don’t think I could send suggestions to them for that amount - if asked for specific suggestions I tend to look for the cheapest options as I just find it awkward. My in laws, and actually most of the family for DD’s 2nd birthday recently, tend to give cash to ‘put towards something she really needs/wants’ which actually works well. In laws tend to al wrap up a few smaller bits for her.

She was 2 this year and loads of things to open was still a bit too overwhelming for her, we ended up doing it over a few days. At 1 it really is pointless. You could mention the bigger item and say ‘we wanted to get him one of these, if you wanted to contribute towards that that would be great, or there’s also X Y and Z smaller options if you prefer?’ If they want to spend the £100 they might just offer to buy the bigger thing outright, or they can make a smaller contribution or they’ve still got a few options to choose from.

JasmineIndigo · 10/08/2022 09:37

I don’t understand why the son isn’t sending his parents the range of options so they can decide from the list?

Shinyandnew1 · 10/08/2022 09:45

Do an Amazon wish list which they can choose from and all this will be sorted!

Sciurus83 · 10/08/2022 09:45

Send the list and they cross off what they get

BaileySharp · 10/08/2022 09:48

Send the wishlist with range of priced items, you can always ask them to let you know what they get so you don't get duplicates. Then its up to them!

DilemmaDelilah · 10/08/2022 09:50

I don't think it unreasonable at all - in my family. Only you know whether it would be unreasonable in your family. If that is the case and you don't want to ask them, then give them a list of items with a cost ranging from £10 - £100 and ask them to choose ONE THING from that list, and to liaise with other members of the family to whom you may have given the same list. I say to ask for one thing, because I have heard of dreadful misunderstandings where people have thought they have been asked for the whole lot. If they choose to get more than one thing that is up to them.

DilemmaDelilah · 10/08/2022 09:51

And I usually ask what sort of price range they are thinking of, Rather than how much they want to spend.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 10/08/2022 09:52

The grandparents should just buy him a bloody present:

Yeezytiger · 10/08/2022 09:54

God i hate questions about gifts, why can't people just use their imaginations?

GratefulMe · 10/08/2022 09:58

I think you're being quite odd.

At the first (or second) request you/he give a few ideas across the price range and let them choose. If you need to, ask them to let you know what they went for.

I have this conversation with my parents and my sister and I wouldn't dream of asking what they want to spend. Also, depending on what the wants are, it might make a difference to what they'll spend. If it's something "worthy" that they approve of, the sky's almost the limit, plastic tatt, not so much.

IncompleteSenten · 10/08/2022 10:05

I'd tell him - you're as much our child's parent as I am. Your dad is asking you. You suggest things to him.

Then I'd probably go on a rant about wifework and how vaginas are great and everything but they don't make this shit my job alone and he ought to know what his kid might like.

But that's just me. I lost the ability to tolerate this crap years ago. 😁