AIBU to ask 'how much are you looking to spend?' Or similar when I'm asked what gift to get ds?

[anotherq]

Imagine this
You speak to your son on the phone every day (usually dad)
It's your grandsons first birthday in 6 weeks.

Every couple of days the same conversation happens. Word for word, exactly the same

You ask your son 'what should we buy DGS for his birthday?'
Your son replies 'I'll ask anotherq what she thinks'

He then asks his partner and she replies (every time) 'how much are they looking to spend?'
He says 'I don't know. I think they'll be happy with about £100'
His partner replies 'ask them how much they'd like to spend and I will forward things I've put in a wish list'
Again, this is also WORD FOR WORD the exact same every time

For context, partner has been thinking, planning and browsing since March. She has narrowed down a list of three big (£70-£100) things and small and medium (from £20-£50) gifts
Partner doesn't want to assume grandparents want to spend £100 on a gift.
The son is guessing this amount from the top of his head
Partner says 'What if they do want to spent £100 but only want to buy a £50 gift? Or two? Or what if they want to spend £70 and want it split over a few items?' Who knows? (unless you ask...)

So now it's been two phone calls since they last asked and it's going to come up again soon
The son says partner should send a few things to his mum of different prices
The partner says, once again 'just ask your parents how much they would like to spend'

So, my question is, is there something wrong with your son saying 'how much would you like to spend?' In this situation? Would you be offended? I don't know if I am not understanding something here.
Happy to be told I am unreasonable and open to other phrasing suggestions please

Thanks everyone. I have read all replies. I'm happy to accept that I am unreasonable to not have forwarded the list on already

During all the present browsing I have also been thinking about what to do to celebrate his birthday. I asked my mum if I could use her house and garden for a family get together. She has a downstairs bathroom (for my gran) and we can stay in the kitchen if weather isn't nice. I was going to decorate, out a gazebo up and got really excited about the planning
When I told DP what I had planned he replied
'Well, we'll have to see if my parents want to come. If they don't we'll just do something different at their house another day'

I couldn't believe it. I said 'what do you mean? Why would they not come to ds first birthday? It's their grandson? I don't understand?'
And he said 'well, you know how my mum gets about being the second gran etc after what happened with dsd'
I replied 'our son should not be punished for the mistakes you made. It's his first birthday that I am throwing at my mums house. She is not giving him a party, I am and I expect your parents to be there'

For context, DP has a history of imagining things are going to happen with his parents before they do. It stresses me out and gives me anxiety over (probably) nothing. 7/10 it doesn't pan out the way he said it would
Also for context, DP was a rubbish dad to dsd. He wasn't with her mum. Paid maintenance but didn't take her until after she was 1. And then took her to his parents for a visit and took her back. This was a problem for my mil who never really got to be gran. DP says she is worried she will overstep and I'll say she can't see ds? I would never do that and as I've pointed out a million times before, I am not ex and ds is not dsd. Stop comparing them it's not the same thing at all

I want a good relationship with my mil but my DP fills me with dread she is holding back through fear and also jealousy

I'd always tell my own children the budget.
Got a GC on the way, I've offered to buy the pram up to £x amount, or if they wanted a more expensive one then they could have the cash towards it.

If he can't think of a single toy his son would enjoy then he's not on track to be a better father second time round, frankly

You have a DH problem.

Until he talks to them on an adult- adult basis you will keep hitting these problems.

Why do you think they don't communicate on an adult -adult basis (he needs to mature, GPs overbearing?)

No need and weird question that not many people are going to appreciate. Instead say 'colouring' or a character or activity he is into and there is inevitably a price range from a fiver to five hundred for each thing.

So absolutely no need for you to ask this. Unless you want to be the present giving equivalent of a doctor's receptionist.

It’s a first birthday, you don’t need to be specific on a list of stuff but give them an idea and they can choose their own. Ie:

• bath toys


• Anything peppa pig related


• winter clothes next size up


• lift the flap books

etc etc

It’s not an unreasonable thing to ask but you can address the issue just as well by suggesting a few things at different prices and asking them to let you know which they chose.

Alternatively just suggest themes- “he loves football so anything related to that would be a hit” or whatever and leave it to them to decide between a £10 ball and a £100 shirt.

I don't think you can demand his parents attend a party at your parents' and refusing to acknowledge that might be difficult for them is not the way to "build a relationship" with MIL. You seem determined to control and find fault TBH.

You should have sent them the list.

If there are practical reasons why you can't do the party at your house then fine to use your parents'. But maybe next year use your PILs?

Is it inconvenient for your PIL to come to your parents house?

sooo cheeky! Just send them the list!

I said 'what do you mean? Why would they not come to ds first birthday? It's their grandson? I don't understand?'

PIL didn’t come to our DC’s birthday, it’s not a big deal.
They are allowed to not want to come, never mind host it for you just because they have a downstairs bathroom. Honestly, with the gift thing and now the party, you really sound like you are trying to make them behave the way you want them to behave. You can’t control people in that way. Send them gift ideas, plan the get together at your house and invite them. If they come they come. If they don’t want to stand around chatting with members of your family and would rather see their DGC another time that really is okay.

Between you, you’re managing to make a huge amount of stress around a baby’s birthday. It all sounds very angst-inducing and a lot of hard work.

On presents, just give a couple of ideas and ask what they got or else be vague and say “he could do with some books” and let them choose.

On the party, it all sounds a bit ott. Remember that your baby won’t have a clue about it being their birthday- this is all for you, not him. If your in-laws don’t want to come to the party, do something another time, it’s not a personal slight. This stuff is supposed to be fun 🙃

Just send them the list with prices, let them decide for themselves.

The issue regarding it being at my mums is hypothetical
They haven't been told that's where I've decided to have it. It's totally convenient for them, us and the rest of the family. It's right in the middle of us all

DP thinks his mum is going to think it's all about my mum and she's throwing it etc but I've asked him to explain this is me doing the party and my mum doesn't have anything to do with it but he simply said 'I will but you know what she's like'

But I don't think she will feel this way. I think everything is going to be totally fine. I think he is making a massive assumption over nothing. Unless they are telling him things in private which I've asked and he's said no. He just thinks this will be how they will feel because it's not at their house (his words not mine)

I'm recognising more as I write this that I have a DP problem
It's like he just thinks there is going to be a big drama and fall out over anything that might be competition with his mum. But by him even mentioning the worst possible scenario it gets me stressed. And probably gets my back up a bit because I feel myself going into defence mode

It sounds like a lot of hard work for a first birthday - the presents for which are likely to be ignored, forgotten, lost or broken. I'd tell them anything they want to get him will be gratefully received and leave it at that.

Ditto a party. A one year is not going to care whether they are there or not and saying you "expect them to be" sounds like a one way street to bad blood, to me.

Lighten up. Let them slowly build a relationship at their pace and see what happens. Because your current way is going to result in angst and heartache for someone, if not all.

You really need to relax. A first birthday doesn't need this level of angst. You have a long road ahead.

I'm with he Dad. Mother sounds really controlling. If this if for a First Birthday then the road ahead looks rocky.

It's a 1st Birthday. Nobody cares. Such a drama.

I think everything is going to be totally fine. I think he is making a massive assumption over nothing.

This may well be true. But even in this scenario, I think actions can speak much louder than words. If they are always invited but fine to decline without drama and whenever they do engage, they are made to feel genuinely welcome and wanted - over time they will relax and learn to trust. Hopefully.

But very few people really believe their fears with be fine just because someone says they will be.

Wow for a 1st birthday why are you stressing so much, just a roll of tin foil will work brilliantly they LOVE that.. what on earth is on the list that costs £70-£100 !!
I just got loads of things from Poundland for my DS first , bubbles and pop bottles that I filled sparkly glitter and such

Tbh I hate when people ask what they should buy my DC?

My question usually is what are they thinking of spending.

It means every year I've to research things I need to buy and give ideas for other people too.

Pick a gift any bloody gift, if they don't want or need it they'll return it.

Just treat both grannies respectfully at the end of the day the DC benefit.

Your partner is probably worried as it isn't unusual to leave MIL out on things.

Include them both for the their first DGC birthday, give them small jobs.

She is not giving him a party, I am and I expect your parents to be there

...I think you need to calm down. It's a first birthday party. If they don't come, you can have a nice little tea party at theirs or something. I hate crossing the family streams, I just can't be arsed, maybe your husband feels the same way. You can't demand they attend.

Also, maybe they don't know how much they want to spend, maybe they want to pick the thing they think looks the nicest gift from the list? If I told my mum a few things, she'd be as likely to pick the £10 thing she thought was lovely as the £50 thing that filled her budget.

But mostly, calm down.

God i hate questions about gifts, why can't people just use their imaginations

Because, as we see on here everyday, then you'd have the recipients parent(s) moaning that they get trash/too much/too little/too plastic/too big/too small with cries of 'why don't the ask and get what we say'.

It's his first birthday that I am throwing at my mums house. She is not giving him a party, I am and I expect your parents to be there'

It's unreasonable of you to 'expect' others to do something just because you say so. It's very controlling.

It's a first birthday not a United Nations Treaty!
Some clothes, books, toys. Provide receipts if you are concerned your daughter in law doesn't like them. Or cash / cheque for your desired amount £50 would be very generous but we all have different opinions on money. You are creating a monster debating every 6 months on Birthday /Christmas presents.