AIBU to ask 'how much are you looking to spend?' Or similar when I'm asked what gift to get ds?

[anotherq]

Imagine this
You speak to your son on the phone every day (usually dad)
It's your grandsons first birthday in 6 weeks.

Every couple of days the same conversation happens. Word for word, exactly the same

You ask your son 'what should we buy DGS for his birthday?'
Your son replies 'I'll ask anotherq what she thinks'

He then asks his partner and she replies (every time) 'how much are they looking to spend?'
He says 'I don't know. I think they'll be happy with about £100'
His partner replies 'ask them how much they'd like to spend and I will forward things I've put in a wish list'
Again, this is also WORD FOR WORD the exact same every time

For context, partner has been thinking, planning and browsing since March. She has narrowed down a list of three big (£70-£100) things and small and medium (from £20-£50) gifts
Partner doesn't want to assume grandparents want to spend £100 on a gift.
The son is guessing this amount from the top of his head
Partner says 'What if they do want to spent £100 but only want to buy a £50 gift? Or two? Or what if they want to spend £70 and want it split over a few items?' Who knows? (unless you ask...)

So now it's been two phone calls since they last asked and it's going to come up again soon
The son says partner should send a few things to his mum of different prices
The partner says, once again 'just ask your parents how much they would like to spend'

So, my question is, is there something wrong with your son saying 'how much would you like to spend?' In this situation? Would you be offended? I don't know if I am not understanding something here.
Happy to be told I am unreasonable and open to other phrasing suggestions please

The parent in laws probably feel awkward, why not help them to feel extra welcome for the occasion instead of treating them as a bit of mumbling inconvenience not knowing what to buy or where the party is being held.

The party/get together I had in mind wasn't a party style or an OTT for a first birthday. I just wanted everyone to come together in one place and be around ds
It would just be our family spending the day together and a memory would be made

I really struggle being a ftm. I do everything alone and I am really trying my best but it's hard. And I feel bad taking help from my mum incase it upsets his mum

I think I need to one day sit with mil and ask if everything is ok. If there's something I am doing to offend her or if there's something I can do. Family means everything to me and I would love to have a blooming relationship with the parents away from DP. And them to have a bond with DS. And I want them to feel comfortable with me. And know that I'm not like dsd's mum and they can always see my ds. They really walk on eggshells around me so as not to overstep. I feel it and dp told me mil is scared because of the past
And I feel soooo bad for them for not getting that bond with dsd. It's not fair that just because their son wasn't with the mum that they had to be punished by losing out on precious time. I would never ever do that and maybe if I explained that they would let their guard down a bit?

I think DP being middleman is also a problem. It is making me sound grabby (I feel) by always saying 'I will ask anotherq'

I came here because I wondered if IABU to a very simple comment. Because o wasn't able to understand why it was a problem to say this

I am the type of person who when asked what I want for my birthday/Christmas I will say nothing rather than suggesting something. It doesn't feel natural to me. I get nervous and embarrassed and just repeat 'no no it's ok, you don't have to get me anything. Please but thank you so much'
And the thought of accepting a present then having to open it ... I can't even explain the feelings

Thank you @EmeraldShamrock1 I really like your reply. I am definitely going to offer everyone a little something to do to be involved
Tbh I will need the help as DP is a show up to the event and head for the buffet type of man

Thank you for this kind reply. I think everything is going to be ok

I'd by-pass the somewhat-useless son and just forward GPs the list, and a "please let me know what you choose, so we don't end up duplicating! Thanks!"

End of problem.

I agree with you about asking what they're looking to spend, you don't want them either to feel that there's an expectation to spend more than they'd planned/offend them, by including items which are a lot more than their budget, or alternatively to include only low value items and have them effectively waste money by buying multiple low value items which won't all get used, when if you'd known they were happy to spend more they could have bought one big ticket item which will get a lot of use.

Your dp is being ridiculous not asking the question. That being said, it is on him if he won't all the question and gets the expectation wrong. So I'd just let him manage it the way he wants and either it'll be fine or he'll learn for next time.

@Duttercup thank you
I didn't realise how much I had to calm down until I read back my comment. It is coming across so strongly
I don't 'expect' them to be there. I wouldn't ever do that. That was the wrong thing to say. I HOPE they will be there is what I should have said.
See, I'm getting wound up over a POTENTIAL HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION

Given what you've said about the back-story/relationship with them, it sounds more like they'd be extra keen to make the effort to come to a party wherever you held it and to not want to upset you, than that they'd refuse to attend and expect a separate celebration.

Try not to let your dp create situations where none exist.

"I expect them to be there" is way out of line and will absolutely not help you form a relationship with your MIL

If you're keen to develop more of a relationship with your MIL why don't you call her directly about it all. I wasn't going to suggest it because it shouldn't be your responsibility to manage your DP's inability to communicate, but at the same time it sounds like you really want to improve the relationship with her and having your dp always act as middle man isn't going to help that.

Call her, have a chat about present ideas/ how useless her son is being incapable of asking about budget, personally invite her to the party and have a chat about what you're planning so she feels involved.

You need a relationship with your Mil.

Invite her over one of the days when you're home with DS / out with you.
Messaged her and say "DP says you wanted an idea for presents, sorry I've been slow, here's a mix of ideas"
Call her and say "DSs birthday, were just doing a little tea party for us and both sets of grandparents. It's at Mom's house". If your Mom is doing the catering add "I wondered if you'd be ok to make some X, DP says you're are great. Can wait to get a family photo of us all" etc.

Basically make yourself a daughter in law not a sons partner

A hundred pounds seems a lot to me. I'd send something around the 30-50 pound range and see what they say.

If they don't fancy the party at your mum's you can always go round to theirs for tea and cake or invite them to yours. I don't think it's a big deal.

This all sounds a bit PFB I'm afraid.

No, you can't ask people how much they want to spend on your DC. If they want suggestions, you give 3 at different price points and get on with your life. My PILs don't even ask for suggestions, they just buy something random which we've normally got already. .We thank them for their generosity. No drama. So be grateful yours even asked

As for hosting, easiest way to avoid being accused of grandparent favouritism is to celebrate at your house. If you really aren't going to do that, then one set of GPs hosts and the other makes the birthday cake. Or something like that. Then swap next year. Anybody who causes a scene on the day doesn't get invited at all next year.

TBH in my experience DC will probably fall asleep 5 minutes before cake time, burst in to tears when you sing happy birthday, or get a temperature/rash/conjunctivitis.

I don't know if it is your writing style, but you are coming across as very confrontational and demanding.
I mean She is not giving him a party, I am and I expect your parents to be there' !!!??!!
Try re-reading your 2nd post !

Re the list, it seems such a mountain is being made out of nothing . You have a wishlist - why not just share it and let them choose something ?

You are complaining that she is 'holding back' whereas many would see that as 'respecting your boundaries'. Have you seen how many threads there are on here about "interfering MiL" or "over bearing MiL" ?

You really are coming across as unreasonable on here. You do not need to angst this much about a birthday party. Just call you MiL, in a friendly way saying that you hope she will come along to your Mums, and that you have asked your Mum if you can hold it at her house due to the space and so your gran can come due to the downstairs bathroom. However, if she doesn't then it isn't a big deal.

Try not to let your dp create situations where none exist.

This is really what I feel is happening and I think you're right

A pp before also said bypass DP with the list and go straight to them. I think I'm going to do this

Thank you x

I think you and @ANUsernam have given me really helpful advice

I feel like I'm struggling with the most basic of tasks. I think my DP is putting problems where there aren't any. I have just spoken to him and said when we speak about things like this I don't want him to guess what is going to happen and tell me the worst case scenario. He said 'but you now, I'm a planner. I plan for the worst things so not to be disappointed'
I told him we are different people that way and in future I'd rather not know what he's predicting and just let it happen naturally. He has agreed to do this

My mum didn't meet pil until ds was a few months old as me and DP got together the Xmas before lockdown. When my mum met mil they got along so well and even exchanged numbers and texted afterwards. The three of us had a wonderful day just chatting.
A fortnight later I visited my mum and she took a lovely photo. She sent it to mil with a comment how lucky they both were to be grans to such a beautiful boy
Fil then told DP mil wasn't happy ds hadn't visited their house. That hurt me a bit. My mum doesn't know that but I did have to say not to share photos

Just send them an Amazon wish list.

There's heavy one sided competition from my mil though
Like someone always has to be 'first' place. I don't want it to be like that
After a near death traumatic birth then a week long stay in the hospital with baby in nicu when I got home I just wanted the evening to myself then see my mum in the morning and them right after
A family fallout with DP started because they weren't getting to be first
I wanted to see my mum but because of their mood I just told everyone to come when they could. His parents were able to come while my mum was working so they got to meet him first
That still upsets me deep down and caused some unresolved problems between me and my mum that breaks my heart. When they were they didn't care they were first. They didn't believe us anyway. But like why does it have to be like that?

That message has gone through so many people by the time it's got to you though.

It's possible your mil could have quite happily said, what a lovely photo, it'll be lovely to have them over here too some time, your fil then relays a version of that, focusing on your mil's desire to have you over as well and by the time it's got to you (adding your DP's somewhat negative/guilt-laden take on things) it's become something much more negative than what was said or meant. (And then you add your own take by asking your DM not to share photos with your MIL, so now she actively is being excluded)

I'd try to base your relationship with your MIL on just that - YOUR relationship and experiences of her and try not to pay too much mind to the grapevine. You've enjoyed her company, you get the impression she's trying to keep you happy, go with that unless you hear directly from your mil otherwise.

Thanks so much @ANUsernam I like this idea
Xx

Gosh this seems all so over complicated.
Send them a choice of items (it's rude to ask)
Do what you want for the party (but your ds won't care with all due respect)
Keep GPs involved as much as you can with ds but the reality is, for most, there is always one 'side' that is seen more. Unless all the stars align someone will miss special moments here and there. But what you're doing is winding yourself up so much that you're not enjoying the special moments either, that's what doesn't make sense to me.

Yeah, it's rude. Just reading it in the title made me cringe to be honest.

My last post was cross-posted with your update.

Did the desire to be 'first' actually come from your pil or was it from your dp? (If they didn't then care?) Why has it caused problems with your Mum or is she also competitive about it and wants to be first?

If they're actually difficult, then I'd keep your distance and let your dp manage the relationship and if his way of doing so creates more problems well that's his/their problem. If the problem is all the middle-men then a) have a word with your dp about not causing trouble and b) just talk directly to your mil where possible/ ignore if it's petty flying monkey messages.

You're overthinking and trying to micro-manage everything. Breathe.

Obviously your mum and your family will be more comfortable in your mum's house and your ILs won't be as comfortable there. That's why most people have DCs' parties in their own home. Or take the DC to each GPs' home.

As for the presents, I wonder what would have happened if your DP just thought of a gift and told them to get it. Would you have been annoyed he hadn't consulted you or your list? Or would you have been relieved he'd made a decision? You need to think about how much control you want to have and whether it's healthy for you.

Do a list with a range of differently priced things so they can choose. I personally wouldn’t dream of asking for something as expensive as that and stick to the £20 mark with all relatives.

You do have a DP problem. It was clear from this line onwards:
Your son replies 'I'll ask anotherq what she thinks'
Why doesn't he know his own child or his own parents well enough to manage this, without having to pass the mental load to you? If he could have just replied 'DC really likes Bluey, maybe something to do with that?' then there was no problem or stress to bring your way or his parents way in the first place.

That you said this:
I think DP being middleman is also a problem. It is making me sound grabby (I feel) by always saying 'I will ask anotherq'
about that though suggests the problem is quite ingrained. It doesn't make you sound grabby, it makes him sound useless with a large helping of everyday sexism.

When you add in that he sounds like a shit parent to his first kid and I do everything alone and I am really trying my best but it's hard. and Tbh I will need the help as DP is a show up to the event and head for the buffet type of man it really just cements it - you are assuming that your mum AND his mum will probably need to help arrange his own child's party, because he'll just swan up to the buffet and do fuck all to help! I'm not surprised that you're angry, I'd be fuming if I was saddled with a partner like that.