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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does she *Need to go full time if I don’t *Need her to?

87 replies

Charliesays77 · 09/08/2022 22:05

I’m British but live abroad.
Where I am, compulsory schooling doesn’t start until age 6, pre school is age 3-6 and it’s optional.
Dd is 4 and I’d like to send her part time, I’m a Sahm at present (due to complete masters next year-hopefully!) and Early years & Primary school teacher.
We do lots of activities at home, lots of outings, lots of play dates and playgrounds and so on. Dd can read short words and write a little, I’m not overly concerned about the educational aspect at all. Socially we see lots of friends and play with neighbours.
Would it be weird to send her part time, at least for the first year-say two days per week or would you put her in full time, if you didn’t *Have to?

OP posts:
Blendiful · 09/08/2022 23:25

PT sounds perfect. Countries where children start school later have much better results than the UK.

2 days sounds fine, best of both worlds and I think will do no harm at all. Flexi schooling options for all would be ideal IMO but rarely seen.

Axahooxa · 09/08/2022 23:26

Your plan sounds perfect. Trust yourself!

Original poster
Charliesays77 · 09/08/2022 23:27

@tickticksnooze I have queried this, see post above. She won’t get to have her lunch and full playtime if I do only mornings and only afternoons, she misses out on morning activities, it’s a hard one as I have wondered similar.

OP posts:
Original poster
Charliesays77 · 09/08/2022 23:30

I had a friend ask how she’ll settle if only in that often etc and not daily..it does make me question what the correct thing to do is. I’d hate to think she felt left out of anything or wasn’t able to form proper bonds. She’s very confident and friendly, so I think she’d just rock up and get involved without a care 😅

OP posts:
5zeds · 09/08/2022 23:31

She may end up wanting to go full time, I don’t know yet.

My preference would be part time, but if she’d be happier going every day, we’d do that.

yes but that doesn’t answer the question which was

“Why do you think she wouldn’t like to go full time?”
I can see why you want her to go part time, but what about her? Try and put yourself in her place and think what would be better for her.

weegiemum · 09/08/2022 23:33

My 2 eldest dc didn't start ft until 5years 6 months (Scotland). I'm really grateful that they didn't have to, they went to nursery from 3y6m for 3.5 hours but then had afternoons with me and later with a nanny when I wen5 back to studying.

They're now all over 18 and doing great in further/higher education. The later start only helped I think, especially with the age they were when they left. I'd always do it this way if I could.

Original poster
Charliesays77 · 09/08/2022 23:38

@5zeds That's what I’m doing, hence the post.
In all honestly, she’s really happy at home and with her friends and gymnastics & swimming and so on.
I tried last year for a couple of weeks and she was so sad, my previously confident, happy girl cried not to go and started wetting the bed.
I went against my instincts then and felt the pressure from others that she *Had to be in some sort of setting…she didn’t and I regret it massively.
She’s older now and may take to it differently and love it, if she does and asks to go all the time, she can.

OP posts:
5zeds · 09/08/2022 23:44

So you tried nursery at three full time and she was distressed by leaving you or by the busy setting? She’s a year older do you think she will have the same issues? Will part time solve those?

dreamingbohemian · 09/08/2022 23:50

I don't think you should ask UK mums who have no idea what preschool is like in your country, or what local norms are. Do you want to tell us where you are?

We used to live in Berlin for example, if you are there I would strongly suggest sending her 4 days a week.

Original poster
Charliesays77 · 09/08/2022 23:51

@5zeds I think the particular setting played a part, we only tried part time then, not full time.
She’s grown a lot in a year and may find it easier being away from me, although she’s really confident in general, she’s always with us with friends and family. She was upset at me not being there and said she just wanted to stay at home.
Maybe she’ll be like that now, I hope not, but I don’t know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Charliesays77 · 09/08/2022 23:53

@dreamingbohemian Why would you send four days per week?

OP posts:
mindutopia · 09/08/2022 23:56

What are her friends doing? I’d do that. Mine was almost bored at starting school as it wasn’t as full on as nursery. But what mattered most was that she was with her friends.I would follow that lead and build her social network in that way.

Sarahcoggles · 09/08/2022 23:58

Part time definitely.
I've never understood the desire of SAHPs to send their kids off to full time pre school as soon as they can, unless they have issues that make child care difficult. I have teens now who barely know I exist. Make the most of these early years!

Threelittlelambs · 10/08/2022 00:07

I was happy for mine to go part time two days a week. It meant I could get things done and they’d have more of my focus on the days they were at home.

Pythonesque · 10/08/2022 00:08

I agree that part-time sounds entirely sensible in your position. I'd aim to find out more about the preschool routines, which activities tend to occur which mornings and afternoons, as part of deciding which days to send her at first.

My eldest niece had a wonderful year when she was 5, in yr 1, as her mother was on maternity leave and an enlightened head teacher was happy to authorise partial attendance for some children. So Fridays (except when there was something special on at school) became days for outings, to the zoo or museums or whatever. It worked brilliantly and they would have done another year the same only the head changed and everyone had to be in 100% again. Those outings were much quieter and easier on a weekday than they would have been on weekends.

dreamingbohemian · 10/08/2022 00:09

Because you shouldn't mistake the lack of formal curriculum for the enormous amount of educational and social learning that's going on, and bc the preschool community can be a nice little family that will be harder to join if you are that PT. Also language reasons assuming it's at least bilingual.

I would send Mon and Tues, take a break Wed, then Thurs and Fri. And feel free to take ad hoc days a lot.

People love the idea of starting proper school at 6 but that late start is really assuming kids are in preschool for a few years before.

That's just my experience from Berlin though! Its different everywhere.

mamabear715 · 10/08/2022 00:17

I agree with @Rowen32
Follow your instincts, OP.
I'd have kept mine at home until they were 21 if it had been up to me! (They might have had a better education too.. )

Goldencarp · 10/08/2022 00:27

Charliesays77 · 09/08/2022 22:23

@Goldencarp What would be your reasons for keeping them at home until 6, if you could?
When I mention doing part time to people, they seem to think it’s crazy or they don’t understand.

@Charliesays77 . I personally think kids start school too young in this country. I loved having them home and was in a position to stay home with them so it made sense for us.

BungleandGeorge · 10/08/2022 00:31

Some children struggle to settle on 2 days a week, you might find going 3 days is easier on her (one of them could be a half day if you like).

liveforsummer · 10/08/2022 00:36

Did started school in a country with similar - to use the school pre school you'd have had to go every day. If wanted 2 days then a private nursery which plenty people did. Much like the UK there was a mix of fill and org time based on need although the pre school was still fairly play based it was more formal than a UK nursery.

liveforsummer · 10/08/2022 00:37

Agree though 3 days is good for continuity. Also does she need to learn a second language or do you speak that at home anyway?

5zeds · 10/08/2022 01:23

I’ve done both (as in sent earlier and later). It sounds like she’s happy, learning and settled, so there’s no reason really to send her at all. The negatives of not going full time are (more for girls than for boys because of how they socialise) that she may find friendships a little more difficult. You may also find there are less of her age group around during school hours and less clubs/activities. She may miss things like performances and trips or dress up days which can be a problem. From your point of view you get all the hassle of school but have less time child free to compensate. Try not to do all the mundane chores while she’s in school or she will miss learning lots of life skills and experience.

id just go with what works for your child. As far as academics or long time social skills etc, I honestly think she could stay home till 7 and be fine.

SunscreenCentral · 10/08/2022 01:36

Where I live, 5 is the preferred age for starting. It's permissible to put them in after their 4th birthday.
Circumstances permitting most people I know go for after the 5th.

TheWordOfBagheera · 10/08/2022 01:57

I'm in a country that sounds similar to what you're describing. The youngest in the year start K at 3 which feels tiny for school (the ages follow the actual year rather than the school year so if your bday is sep-dec you're one of the youngest).

I skipped the first year of kindergarten for mine and only put them in for the second, except for one who was desperate to start sooner. They all did perfectly well socially and academically. I wouldn't have wanted them to skip K completely as having a 'fun' year feels important, but skipping only the first year worked well and might be another option for you?

zoeFromCity · 10/08/2022 02:18

I am from region where school starts for 6 yo.

I went for 3 days when I was 5, more wasn't possible due to lack of places. It was technically enough, but I'd prefer (both back in time and in retrospect) doing a bit more, so starting part time at 4 and (almost) full-time at 5 sounds great. I would think about 3 days for now though (maybe 2 full and one half), just to be present more often than not and build better friendships.

Lately the law changed, so every 5 yo either goes to pre-school, or come for observation sessions, just to confirm they are developing well and will be ready for school. This is connected with semi formal curriculum for 5 yo (colours, songs, animals, drawing, recognising sounds in words). It is understood as good balance between allowing families to govern their lives and ensuring children are ready.

What would change the position for me would be if your family language doesn't match language used at school, in such case I'd definitely vote for more time at pre school.