Please can I ask your advice on this very sensitive issue

[NewLookDress]

I have been here for donkey's years but given the nature of this post, felt it best to change usernames.
Long story short, my daughter (early 20s but slightly vulnerable) is currently visiting her boyfriend abroad. They have been in a long- distance relationship for several years now. I have my concerns about the relationship - some red flags which I have discussed calmly and openly with my daughter - but they're in love, and for the most part anyway, it's going ok. They have a very intense relationship.

Anyway, the other day I received a fairly strange message from him (I am fluent in his language), saying that my daughter was hiding the truth about something, that she had been raped when she was 17. Obviously I phoned her straightaway to gently try and get to the bottom of this. In the background, I could hear him say to her 'tell her the truth' in his language. I honestly think he considered himself some sort of saviour for breaking the silence
My daughter admitted to me that it had happened, but didn't want to go into details on the phone. She said that she had made her own peace with it, and had resolved it in her own head. I didn't know if opening an old wound was going to make things worse for her, and because I wasn't there to hug her, I agreed to let it drop and talk about it when she gets home.
Her boyfriend was in shock but apparently said some arsehole things to her (he sometimes drinks too much, which doesn't help) such as he thought he was the one who took her virginity, and did it really actually happen, or was she just saying it for attention. So she had this to deal with, as well as the fact that he'd told her secret to me.
I messaged him and told him that it was not his place to tell me, that I was incredibly upset but could do nothing to help her from here, that telling me was a breach of her trust and privacy (as she must have had her reasons, I guess). And finally that if he was going to keep drinking and not support her in the face of this revelation, that it would be best if she came home.

So there is a lot to this mess, but my main question is, how do I best support her when she gets back home? I just KNOW that she is going to downplay what happened when she was 17, and won't want to talk about it. I told her that she might think she has processed it, but has only suppressed it, and it's best to deal with it in case it bites her on the bum one day. I know that she will refuse to go to the police, and that is absolutely her choice. I will respect her decision and support her no matter what.

But how far do I mention the rape? Do I delve? Do I leave it? Is it enough to say that I am here for her always, to support quietly or talk about it? Or is that too hands-off?
I am a single parent and I know with absolute certainty that she won't want to tell her father. Or probably anyone else. But that means that I need help from you wonderful lot

This is a first from me. I don't know how best to handle it. I am devastated that this should happen to my amazing girl. I am so disappointed in her boyfriend's reaction, but I hope that what was initially misplaced anger, has now settled into something more nurturing. I think this will be the case.
She and I are so close. We have a wonderful relationship. And although this isn't about me, I'm now doubting myself and thinking that I must be a shit mum as she never told me. I keep thinking back, but don't remember any major changes in her behaviour at that time.
Please help.

Sorry, meant to say 'a first for me.'

And please be kind.

Poor kid - I’m not sure if the boyfriend was being a monumental arse or if he thought he was going the right thing. Actually no, he was being an arse (he could have suggested she tell you herself when she is ready).

’I will respect her decision and support her no matter what.’ I’d do what I tell people when they are going through tough times - tell her that I am there to listen to her - or not - whenever they need it, no judgements, no advice offered unless asked for.

when you say she is vulnerable - how is that?

The issue that is uppermost in her mind might be her Bfs appalling behaviour and not what happened years ago.

But either way you must be guided by her, if she wants to talk to you or not.

What happened isn’t her fault, although she may feel it was. It’s not your fault either.

THe Bf has shown how NOT to handle it.

forcing her to talk when she doesn’t want to
getting angry with her
making it all about him and his feelings
blaming her
calling her a liar
breaching her confidentiality
using alcohol to manage his feelings

You need to be the opposite.

I understand why it’s hard - she is your baby and you want to protect her, to take her in your arms and make it all better . We are mums, that’s our job.

I know it’s so painful that you can’t do that.

You need some support for yourself so you can support her. It’s not easy holding all your own feelings, let alone any she may share with you.

Please don’t beat yourself up about it. Something similar happened to me, and I didn’t tell anyone for decades, and then friends in a half the story sort of way. Never told my mum. I don’t think it’s unusual at all.

It doesn’t mean you aren’t a great mum, just that sometimes you really really don’t want to go there, and if you do go there it often feels safer to be with a professional, than someone who will be hurt because you are hurt. Do you know what I mean? telling people who love you about these things can sometimes add to burden rather than help it, and that’s no reflection on them.

I think counselling or psychotherapy CAN be really helpful but not for everyone. And it has to be the right time - if you half heartedly do it then it can be a bit like shaking a jar of water with a rusty nail in it. Suddenly all the rust is everywhere rather than locked away, but you haven’t got the strength to properly clear it.

Other than not blaming yourself and making sure your feelings of sadness don’t weigh her down, don’t try and persuade your daughter that therapy is a good idea, and don’t try and force her to talk. Just be clear that you are there if she needs you and you can help her find someone to talk to if she wants to try that.

Hopefully this will be the nail in this slightly crappy relationship.

Thank you both, so much. She is ASD, albeit very high functioning (so I was told when the diagnosis was made).

@Luredbyapomegranate thanks to you too.
As expected, lots of well-considered points and advice here.

So it was okay for him to 'take' her virginity but not someone else? I'm not surprised you are worried. Hope she is home soon.

You could give her the details of the rape crisis helpline and leave her to decide whether to call them. I understand that the volunteers who run the helplines are all survivors of sexual violence and rape crisis give them excellent training and support. They never pressure callers to report incidents to the police.

I would reassure her that you are willing to listen to her if she wants to tell more about what happened whenever she is ready to do that but equally she doesn't have to. I think the challenge is striking the right balance of being available to her without making her feel she has to talk.

Therefore another thread currently with parents asking for advice on helping their child deal with a past rape. And the advice form people who work in the field is that a lot of counselling is very unhelpful as it has to be done with someone who is specifically trained in trauma therapy.
They did recommend the rape crisis centre though as a first step. Also listening and not bringing it up because it’s difficult for you as the parent to deal with. They recommended therapy for the parents as well. It’s all so shocking and difficulty to process.

It's really important to give the power back to your DD. She's been disempowered, positioned as an object, multiple times now.

Give her a card for rape crisis, remind her you will always listen and help in anyway you can. And then leave it.

Get counselling for yourself.

It's possible it isn't true, that she's said something to make her boyfriend back off, if he's being controlling.

That's not me disbelieving victims, it's me recognising him as a controlling arse that she may need to go to extremes to protect herself from.

But let her take the lead, and back her whether she decides to ignore it, decides to confide in you, or decides to bin the boyfriend (hopefully!).

I told my parents what happened to me, and regretted it. Their reaction wasnt good. I told them because they were nagging at me relentlessly over a related issue and I wanted to shut them up. Didn't work!

In fact, I've only once had a 'good' reaction from anyone I've told.

I don't have any advice, sorry OP. But what stood out to me most was this...

Her boyfriend was in shock but apparently said some arsehole things to her (he sometimes drinks too much, which doesn't help) such as he thought he was the one who took her virginity, and did it really actually happen, or was she just saying it for attention.

Has he told you/forced her to tell you, as proof that she is telling the truth?

The thought did cross my mind.

Thanks so much again everyone. Appreciate it more than you know.

@NewLookDress , please see this thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4607270-to-tell-dh-to-stfu-trigger-warning-sexual-assault?page=3&reply=119124552

It's a recent discussion with respect to disclosure of rape and sexual assault. I think you will find some useful links and comments there from people with first hand experience, and people with in the support areas.

Wishing you and your DD all the best going forward.

Her not telling you is definitely not a reflection on your as a mother.

My friend was raped in her late teens and never told her mum, though they have an amazing relationship.
She wanted to protect her mum from it, but also felt that it would stop her moving on from it - she’d always be wondering if her mum still thought about it.

The boyfriend‘s reaction is absolutely appalling.

It was obviously a big mistake telling the boyfriend, what’s done is done and you have seen his reaction, she should now end the relationship because whenever there is a future disagreement it will be revisited.
Personally I would not mention the word rape, I would just give her an extra big hug then let her steer the conversation, just like any break up she should start over and let the past remain in the past.
Discussing past personal history, sex, pregnancies, terminations is fraught with uncertainties because you can never predict the reaction, even after many years together

Ask her how she wants to handle it. Let her take back some control. When you are quiet and private at home hug her, tell her you are so sorry this awful thing was done to her, that you are pleased that she has been brave enough to tell you and does she want to talk about it. If she says no reassure her that that's a perfectly valid choice and if she ever feels differently you will always be there.

I can't help with the rape situation, i have no helpful advice. I'm really sorry to hear what some utter scumbag did to your daughter.

But I will say - you say she is autistic 'albeit high functioning'. I know what you mean when you say that and now is not the time to go into an discussion about functioning labels. But it is worth bearing in mind that no matter how 'high functioning' and appears to be, emotional maturity in autistic people is way, way behind their peers. Like years behind. It sounds - based on the fact that she seems so high functioning - like she's a masker and just because she appears to be mature in a way that her peers are, doesn't mean she is.

Her being autistic will have an impact on all of her reactions, interactions, connections, relationships and her processing of these. Even if it isn't obvious. Trauma included.

So you may have a daughter in her early twenties but in all likelihood her emotional maturity, responses etc are more akin to that of a 16-17 year old now. She is more vulnerable that other women of her age, no matter what the outside appearances are.

When she comes home if she's open to it, if she seeks help for her experience it may be wise to find someone who specialises or has experience of assisting neurodivergent women. The approach will need to be tailored to meet her needs.

From another 'high functioning' autistic woman, albeit a much older one than your daughter.

Also, the boyfriend sounds like a bloody nightmare and again, she is more vulnerable than perhaps you or she realises. I know you can't (and shouldn't) make decisions for her but do keep an eye on it.

You and the boyfriend both sound controlling here. Its up to her what happens going forward.

@oddoneoutalways thank you and you are absolutely spot on with everything you have said.

Not that I need to justify myself to you, but I am not a controlling person. Pretty much the opposite, as my parenting style is generally laidback. I am simply trying to work out the best way forward, so that I feel mentally prepared for her getting home.
If she doesn't want to talk, we don't talk. She leads the way on that. But I want her to know that I am present and available, if and when she needs me. I just wasn't sure how 'hands on' to appear, and wanted to get it right.

The boyfriend is a total wanker.
I was sexually assaulted many years ago. I don't need to process it, I did that in my own way and I certainly would not have with my mum. I don't know that I will ever make peace with it (if I saw him again my initial thought would be to murder him) but I didn't need my mum to do anything. Think it would have made it worse, her knowing.

Yes, this ^^

Obviously whatever has happened to your daughter in her past is awful and she may want/need support. (Or she may not. That's up to her.) It's totally understandable that you're incredibly upset; I would be too.

But I actually think at this point, her current relationship is perhaps more of a threat to her mental wellbeing than the past trauma of her rape.

Are you able to communicate with your daughter privately..? Or is he monitoring?

I'm an older women with ASD too. Your daughter is very vulnerable. She may need you to explicitly say to come home, take some time to think things through. If she is at risk from partner, she may not realise it or be able to evaluate it. If need be, could you go to her?

I told her that she might think she has processed it, but has only suppressed it, and it's best to deal with it in case it bites her on the bum one day.

Please don’t repeat this to her.

you have no idea how she dealt with it or what even happened so you don’t know. Don’t minimise her dealing with it. For all you know she may have processed it and dealt with it well, just not in the way you think you would have needed if you were her.

Just support her dealing with current situation first. Her boyfriend is clearly a dangerous man, especially if he considers not sharing details of a rape as “lying”.