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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Please can I ask your advice on this very sensitive issue

56 replies

NewLookDress · 09/08/2022 19:48

I have been here for donkey's years but given the nature of this post, felt it best to change usernames.
Long story short, my daughter (early 20s but slightly vulnerable) is currently visiting her boyfriend abroad. They have been in a long- distance relationship for several years now. I have my concerns about the relationship - some red flags which I have discussed calmly and openly with my daughter - but they're in love, and for the most part anyway, it's going ok. They have a very intense relationship.

Anyway, the other day I received a fairly strange message from him (I am fluent in his language), saying that my daughter was hiding the truth about something, that she had been raped when she was 17. Obviously I phoned her straightaway to gently try and get to the bottom of this. In the background, I could hear him say to her 'tell her the truth' in his language. I honestly think he considered himself some sort of saviour for breaking the silence
My daughter admitted to me that it had happened, but didn't want to go into details on the phone. She said that she had made her own peace with it, and had resolved it in her own head. I didn't know if opening an old wound was going to make things worse for her, and because I wasn't there to hug her, I agreed to let it drop and talk about it when she gets home.
Her boyfriend was in shock but apparently said some arsehole things to her (he sometimes drinks too much, which doesn't help) such as he thought he was the one who took her virginity, and did it really actually happen, or was she just saying it for attention. So she had this to deal with, as well as the fact that he'd told her secret to me.
I messaged him and told him that it was not his place to tell me, that I was incredibly upset but could do nothing to help her from here, that telling me was a breach of her trust and privacy (as she must have had her reasons, I guess). And finally that if he was going to keep drinking and not support her in the face of this revelation, that it would be best if she came home.

So there is a lot to this mess, but my main question is, how do I best support her when she gets back home? I just KNOW that she is going to downplay what happened when she was 17, and won't want to talk about it. I told her that she might think she has processed it, but has only suppressed it, and it's best to deal with it in case it bites her on the bum one day. I know that she will refuse to go to the police, and that is absolutely her choice. I will respect her decision and support her no matter what.

But how far do I mention the rape? Do I delve? Do I leave it? Is it enough to say that I am here for her always, to support quietly or talk about it? Or is that too hands-off?
I am a single parent and I know with absolute certainty that she won't want to tell her father. Or probably anyone else. But that means that I need help from you wonderful lot

This is a first from me. I don't know how best to handle it. I am devastated that this should happen to my amazing girl. I am so disappointed in her boyfriend's reaction, but I hope that what was initially misplaced anger, has now settled into something more nurturing. I think this will be the case.
She and I are so close. We have a wonderful relationship. And although this isn't about me, I'm now doubting myself and thinking that I must be a shit mum as she never told me. I keep thinking back, but don't remember any major changes in her behaviour at that time.
Please help.

OP posts:

Original poster

NewLookDress · 10/08/2022 10:01

@JustLyra You are absolutely right. Thankfully I didn't phrase it quite like that, but yes, I shouldn't have said it at all. I think I was in shock at that point.

OP posts:

oddoneoutalways · 10/08/2022 10:08

30mph · 10/08/2022 09:50

Are you able to communicate with your daughter privately..? Or is he monitoring?

I'm an older women with ASD too. Your daughter is very vulnerable. She may need you to explicitly say to come home, take some time to think things through. If she is at risk from partner, she may not realise it or be able to evaluate it. If need be, could you go to her?

Absolutely. All of the well meaning advice to leave her to it because it's her business and she's an adult is missing the fact - likely because it's not taking into account that this young woman is autistic and in reality what that actually means in terms of executive functioning, processing, masking etc - that this is a vulnerable young woman with support needs (however well disguised) that we're discussing.

Force her to discuss things? No, absolutely not. Infantilise her? Also no. But potentially just leave her to it, abroad and unsupported, with a man who doesn't appear to have her best interests at heart is also not the right thing to do here.

I don't think the OP sounds controlling. I think she sounds sensitive and sensible. In your shoes OP I would try to speak to her, without him present if that can happen, and at least offer to go out to her or bring her home. She might not want that, and you may need to give her some time to digest and process the potential change in her (their) plans and come back to you with a response. But I would at least offer. When is she due home?

BeggarsMeddle · 10/08/2022 10:22

Good point made by @10HailMarys

But I actually think at this point, her current relationship is perhaps more of a threat to her mental wellbeing than the past trauma of her rape.

Original poster

NewLookDress · 10/08/2022 10:42

It's an excellent point, I agree.

My daughter is due back in a fortnight's time. I have asked her if she is happy to stay (she will be celebrating her birthday there), or if she wants me to go get her and bring her home. I know in my heart of hearts that she will not opt for the latter

OP posts:

Essexgalttc · 10/08/2022 11:08

I didn’t tell my parents upsetting things that happened to me as a teenager until I was in my mid 20’s

This isn’t a reflection on you as a mother so please do not beat yourself up about that

First of all I’m so sorry for your poor DD. I would have a gentle conversation with her when you get home and advise her to seek therapy if needed and that you’re there for her.

As for her boyfriend reacting like that, there must of been an element of shock but he totally overstepped the mark and reacted badly. A complete lack of trust for your DD. My (now husband) knows things that happened to me in the past and I would probably actually leave him if he would of messaged my parents behind my back unless my health and life was at risk in that moment.

If this is the first issue you have had with him I would probably be angry but give him the benefit of the doubt. We can do or say silly things whilst in shock. However if this isn’t the first time I would probably leave him if I was DD

Essexgalttc · 10/08/2022 11:08

How far away is DD? How old is she now?

loislovesstewie · 10/08/2022 11:29

It's a massive red flag that he is talking about how this assault affects HIM! He has no right to know about anything that happened prior to the start of their relationship and if she has confided anything to him, he should be nothing but supportive and concerned for her welfare. His reaction is neither of those things. I think she needs to process his reactions anonymously with a therapist, not any other person. It's more difficult for her as she has ASD but she needs to think through his reactions and hopefully realize that he is a swine, (and that comment is unfair to pigs). I hope you can source some assistance for her.

JustLyra · 10/08/2022 12:23

NewLookDress · 10/08/2022 10:01

@JustLyra You are absolutely right. Thankfully I didn't phrase it quite like that, but yes, I shouldn't have said it at all. I think I was in shock at that point.

That’s good.

One thing to just keep in mind is that the man who raped her, and her boyfriend by forcing her to tell you, have both taken away her autonomy. Her right to choose has been removed by two men.

Support her, but please try very hard not to do the same. She needs support, but she also has to be given her rights back, and shown that nobody should be removing her autonomy from her.

good luck

Leafy3 · 10/08/2022 12:45

I'm sorry, op, what an awful thing to have happened.

Less said about her bf the better I think.

Just to add to the great advice you've already had, I wouldn't tell my mum because it would devastate her.

Although you don't sound inclined to, I'd just be careful about her picking up on your emotions and grief regarding the assault. Of course, as her mother it will have a devastating effect on you but as others have mentioned, this can be a barrier towards opening up. Not least because she may feel unable to deal with your feelings as well.

May I suggest that, when you're ready, you seek some independent support for yourself to help you deal with this revelation?

The better you look after yourself, the better placed you'll be to support your daughter in whatever way she needs.

Original poster

NewLookDress · 10/08/2022 14:26

Thanks again and please be assured that I would never put my own emotions on her. Mumsnet has been my safe space for that, thanks to all of you. But I wouldn't do that to her in real life. She has enough to contend with, and I need to be her secure person.

OP posts:

oddoneoutalways · 10/08/2022 15:02

NewLookDress · 10/08/2022 14:26

It sounds like you are. What is it they say? We need to be their flagpole when their flag is flapping. Strong, upright and steady.

Good luck.

Leafy3 · 10/08/2022 15:06

oddoneoutalways · 10/08/2022 15:02

It sounds like you are. What is it they say? We need to be their flagpole when their flag is flapping. Strong, upright and steady.

Good luck.

Show quote history

I disagree with oddoneout, from the ops posts I got a completely different message.

My post was to only acknowledge why her dd may not have said anything in the first place/not wish to discuss it and to acknowledge that a difficult period for the op as well lies ahead.

Endlesslypatient82 · 10/08/2022 15:08

So you daughter had not asked him to tell you? He had gone behind her back?

Endlesslypatient82 · 10/08/2022 15:10

In any event, the boyfriend issue is completely and utterly irrelevant to the issue at hand. Focus on that and completely forget the boyfriend. And sure as heck don’t raise how you were told with your daughter again

neverbeenskiing · 10/08/2022 15:27

I told her that she might think she has processed it, but has only suppressed it

There is a widespread assumption that everyone who has experienced rape should have, and will benefit from, some form of therapy or counselling. If counselling is declined there is an assumption that the person is "in denial" or "not dealing" with what happened to them. This is not correct. There are many ways of processing and making sense of a traumatic experience, counselling is just one. Not everyone finds talking therapies helpful, not everyone finds talking to friends and family about their experience of rape helpful either. One of the most distressing aspects of rape is feeling out of control, having your choice taken away. It is extremely important that your DD is allowed to deal with this in her own way in her own time. Her BF is an absolute twat for taking away her choice by taking it upon himself to disclose her rape to you, but now he has the best thing you can do is to let her know you're available if she wants to talk but don't push it. It's fine to mention specialist support services like rape crisis or other organisations that offer counselling, but again this has to be her choice.

justamushypea · 10/08/2022 16:29

You are absolutely NOT a shit mum. Please don't beat yourself up.
Something happened to me when I was young and I didn't tell anyone. I once told an ex and he was awful about it and I vowed never to tell another soul, and to this day I havent'. I have processed it in my head, it wasn't my fault, I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time and luckily it hasn't affected any of my future relationships.
Looking back, I honestly don't think telling anyone would have made it easier to cope with, therapy wouldn't have helped me and I have the best relationship with my Mum, my reason for not telling her was that I couldn't bear to upset her with it. Rightly or wrongly it was my decision and I stand by it to this day.
When your dd comes home, make sure she knows you are there for her if and when she wants to discuss it, but the more important thing is that she sees that her boyfriend's lack of support is a big fat red flag and he needs dumping!!!

Original poster

NewLookDress · 10/08/2022 16:41

justamushypea · 10/08/2022 16:29

@justamushypea thank you so much, you absolute warrior!

OP posts:

Original poster

NewLookDress · 10/08/2022 16:41

Endlesslypatient82 · 10/08/2022 15:08

So you daughter had not asked him to tell you? He had gone behind her back?

Correct.

OP posts:

Endlesslypatient82 · 10/08/2022 17:08

NewLookDress · 10/08/2022 16:41

Correct.

Show quote history

He sounds like it hit him very hard and he didn’t think he could cope with the news alone. How old?

Endlesslypatient82 · 10/08/2022 17:08

What you say she’s “vulnerable” do you mean learning needs?

SpiderVersed · 10/08/2022 17:20

Wow, the boyfriend is a Grade A heel!

Try not to take it too much to heart that she didn’t tell you. I didn’t tell my parents either. I knew how upset and scared and angry they would (understandably) be and I couldn’t handle their emotions as well as my own. It was because we were so close I didn’t tell them.

She doesn’t necessarily need counselling; just be led by her.

ihatebojo · 10/08/2022 17:52

The boyfriend sounds very controlling to me. I am so sorry for everyone involved, I can't imagine how difficult it is for you to sit and wait this next two weeks out.

You sound like a lovely mum, and I would let her do the talking when she comes home. The Thames Valley Police 'Tea and Consent' video is a great way of explaining consent to help her understand what has happened and how she should be treated in the future.

There is also a wonderful lady that I follow on Instagram, thekathleenhema. I am sure if you messaged her, she could offer sage advice on how to tackle rape with your daughter.

for you

Original poster

NewLookDress · 10/08/2022 17:57

Many thanks indeed for your kind words. Yes, he can be controlling. This is what I meant by red flags in my OP x

OP posts:

Original poster

NewLookDress · 10/08/2022 18:04

Well, I've spoken to her. She's happy to be there and is really excited to spend her birthday out there with him (Europe, so not the other side of the world).
I wish life were black and white, and that she would end this relationship. She is strong, and does not hesitate to put him in his place. She has told him that she hasn't forgiven him for telling me without her consent. All I can do - regarding the relationship - is always be there, to talk, to offer my opinion when asked, to support and give guidance, and to make her aware. Unfortunately I cannot make them split!

OP posts:

ChateauMargaux · 10/08/2022 18:16

I told her that she might think she has processed it, but has only suppressed it, and it's best to deal with it in case it bites her on the bum one day

It is not your place to make this assessment. There is no magic formula that will make this go away and she may unpack this at various stages throughout her life, bring it into the light in whatever way makes sense to her and pack it away again. Be there, if she wants to share this with her but do not impose your opinion of what 'processing it' looks like. It may well 'bite her on the bum', over and over again but this is in no way her fault because she has not dealt with it properly. She may well learn coping strategies to deal with how it impacts her life and these may not always work.

Be there.. listen.. only give opinions and solutions when asked.. not easy to do... but have that as a goal.

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