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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think our mother knows more about our fathers than she let's on

93 replies

Whoarewe00 · 08/08/2022 22:03

NC.

I grew up in a single parent family. My mother (who is extraordinarily selfish) only ever gave vague details about my father and claimed to not know where he lived, what he did for a living, what other family he had. Whenever I mentioned wanting to know about him she'd get frustrated with me and say he was "cunning and crafty" and she doesn't know anything to tell me so I need to drop it.

When I was in my 20's I discovered, by complete chance, that I have an older brother who was given up for adoption at birth.

He, like me, wanted to know who his father was but our mother claimed she doesn't know anything about him and can't even remember his name. We know we don't share the same father as me and our mother are Caucasian but my brother is not.

At first she said she met his father when she was working at a certain place, then later changed her story completely as though she'd forgotten what she'd said, as she then said he worked somewhere completely different.

AIBU to think she is deliberately withholding information she must have, from the pair of us?

How realistic do you think it is that she got pregnant to two completely different men she knew nothing about?

OP posts:
Dalint · 08/08/2022 22:09

She won't be doing it to hurt you but it's possible that she doesn't know who he is (it's possible to sleep with more than one man in the same month), doesn't haven't contact details for him or perhaps knows enough to think that it wouldn't be productive or useful for you to know.

Try asking her outright for his contact details. Ask whether he knows about you and if so, why he's not in your life.

Sometimes Mums hide things as they know that you carry the genes of someone who might not be entirely of good character.
You have the right to be told but I would try to see why your mother is changing things before assuming the worst of her.

Original poster
Whoarewe00 · 08/08/2022 22:17

Dalint · 08/08/2022 22:09

She won't be doing it to hurt you but it's possible that she doesn't know who he is (it's possible to sleep with more than one man in the same month), doesn't haven't contact details for him or perhaps knows enough to think that it wouldn't be productive or useful for you to know.

Try asking her outright for his contact details. Ask whether he knows about you and if so, why he's not in your life.

Sometimes Mums hide things as they know that you carry the genes of someone who might not be entirely of good character.
You have the right to be told but I would try to see why your mother is changing things before assuming the worst of her.

Thank you for your reply.

So I've asked her many times for his contact details and she's consistently adamant that she doesn't have any details for him nor does she know any information that could help me trace him.

According to her he knew about me and wanted nothing to do with me, which is all well and good if it's the truth but she has a long history of lying (not just to us) so I can't believe her without question.

I found several Facebook profiles under the dubious name that she gave me (which she went on to say probably wasn't even his name) and the people I made contact with didn't have a clue who she was or what I was talking about, and one of them is now deceased.

Neither of us have much if any contact with our mother these days but do have a nice relationship with one another.

I used to joke to my brother that I should contact long lost families . Perhaps not a bad idea 🤔

OP posts:
bellac11 · 08/08/2022 22:22

Has she told you that you and your brother dont have the same dad?

Reason being that you would be surprised about going by appearance alone and assuming ethnicity from that.

Have you and your brother done DNA tests to check if you are full or half siblings?

PrimarilyParented · 08/08/2022 22:31

I think in your situation I wouldn’t believe her because of the other lies, but I don’t think it’s unfathomable that she doesn’t really know. It does depend on the lifestyle she was leading, if she was partying and sleeping with multiple men or having one night stands then she may not have been 100% sure of their identities. If I was you I would do a DNA test and hope it threw up some family links. But honestly, get some counselling in order to prepare yourself for any outcome as it’s entirely possible your mother is being truthful when she says your father wanted nothing to do with you.

lljkk · 08/08/2022 22:41

PP was right. You need to be braced to find out something terrible. Could be sex work or sexual assault or simply deep selfishness. Maybe you'll luck out & this will be garden variety awkwardness in your origins, but you can't know before you start digging hard.

I'd have to know & would dig hard. But... be prepared for bad news.

Original poster
Whoarewe00 · 08/08/2022 22:43

bellac11 · 08/08/2022 22:22

Has she told you that you and your brother dont have the same dad?

Reason being that you would be surprised about going by appearance alone and assuming ethnicity from that.

Have you and your brother done DNA tests to check if you are full or half siblings?

Yes she said that we have completely different dad's.

I haven't done a DNA tests but my brother did ancestry DNA a few years back we and he knows he is 50% (ish) of Indian heritage and what region of India his paternal ancestors hail from, which ties in loosely with the limited information she gave him about his father, which was that he was an Indian man what worked at two completely different places 🤔

It never occurred to us to do a DNA to check whether we were full siblings as we look so different and were born in completely different places. I may ask him if he'd like to do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whoarewe00 · 08/08/2022 22:48

PrimarilyParented · 08/08/2022 22:31

I think in your situation I wouldn’t believe her because of the other lies, but I don’t think it’s unfathomable that she doesn’t really know. It does depend on the lifestyle she was leading, if she was partying and sleeping with multiple men or having one night stands then she may not have been 100% sure of their identities. If I was you I would do a DNA test and hope it threw up some family links. But honestly, get some counselling in order to prepare yourself for any outcome as it’s entirely possible your mother is being truthful when she says your father wanted nothing to do with you.

From what I know about her life pre-children she was always a homebody, she still lived at home with her parents (in her 30's) and was definitely no wild child.

It's not beyond the realms of possibility that she was promiscuous but I would assume unlikely, I only knew her to have two brief relationships my entire life. The rest of the time she made it clear she wasn't interested in dating/men.

I think I will do a DNA test. There are so many questions and her answers give even more questions, not answers.

OP posts:
Wombat27A · 08/08/2022 22:48

I had a boyfriend who was white/West Indian/Chinese & he was dark-haired, etc...his brother from the same dad, so same exact heritage looked completely white & had blonde hair.

Maybe 23 & me?

But exercise caution.

Dotcheck · 08/08/2022 22:51

OP
Perhaps she is a victim of sexual abuse/ assault ?

Original poster
Whoarewe00 · 08/08/2022 22:51

lljkk · 08/08/2022 22:41

PP was right. You need to be braced to find out something terrible. Could be sex work or sexual assault or simply deep selfishness. Maybe you'll luck out & this will be garden variety awkwardness in your origins, but you can't know before you start digging hard.

I'd have to know & would dig hard. But... be prepared for bad news.

She is definitely a troubled woman, she turned to drink in her 50's and nobody knows why. Atleast we don't.

You never truly know somebody do you? There is probably so much we don't know about her.

I think we'd both still want answers though even if they were uncomfortable or painful to hear.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whoarewe00 · 08/08/2022 22:52

Wombat27A · 08/08/2022 22:48

I had a boyfriend who was white/West Indian/Chinese & he was dark-haired, etc...his brother from the same dad, so same exact heritage looked completely white & had blonde hair.

Maybe 23 & me?

But exercise caution.

That's incredible 🙂

I'm definitely going to explore that avenue!

OP posts:
Original poster
Whoarewe00 · 08/08/2022 22:56

Dotcheck · 08/08/2022 22:51

OP
Perhaps she is a victim of sexual abuse/ assault ?

It's possible I guess, though not a nice thought.

When she was going through reunification with my brother the intermediary was gently looking to ascertain whether that was the case in his conception as the complete lack of information available to him was unusual. She swore that wasn't the case, but then she'd be unlikely to admit it to a stranger.

OP posts:
GandalfsRing · 08/08/2022 22:58

My gran was elusive all my mums life over who her father was. Gave a few different names, changed some details but pretended she didn’t. It was only when my mum was in her late 50s that my gran came clean - turns out she had an affair with her married boss and my mum was the result!

Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2022 22:59

You and/or your brother could be a product of sexual assault. Have you even considered that? I think you need to leave your mother alone. She's told you everything she's going to.

spanishsummers · 08/08/2022 23:03

I disagree with that statement. It's reasonable that you and your brother want to know about your heritage.

Original poster
Whoarewe00 · 08/08/2022 23:03

GandalfsRing · 08/08/2022 22:58

My gran was elusive all my mums life over who her father was. Gave a few different names, changed some details but pretended she didn’t. It was only when my mum was in her late 50s that my gran came clean - turns out she had an affair with her married boss and my mum was the result!

Gosh, did the married boss know about your mum?

OP posts:
TheDangerOfIgnorance · 08/08/2022 23:04

I would suggest your brother access the website of the local authority where he lives (not where he was born) and look for the email address for post adoption support. He needs to ask for the Access To Information service. This may take a few months but his file will be pulled from archive and a copy sent to his own local authority where a summary will be made and given to him. He will be able to find out his birth father information from there and other pre adoption details. He also needs to apply to the GRO General Registry Office, a Gov site for his original birth certificate. That may also name his father. th ATI information could reveal secrets about your mother too. Since 1975 children are rarely relinquished, most are removed for other reasons. Talk it through with him and he needs to cite you as his support when he has his pre ATI interview.

Original poster
Whoarewe00 · 08/08/2022 23:05

Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2022 22:59

You and/or your brother could be a product of sexual assault. Have you even considered that? I think you need to leave your mother alone. She's told you everything she's going to.

Briefly yes, I raised the possibility with her and she swore up and down that wasn't the case.

Neither of us are haranguing her about our paternity, we have next to no relationship with her. We both tried, gently, to get what information we could but never to the extent where we would need to be told to leave her alone.

OP posts:
CornishTiger · 08/08/2022 23:08

Would you consider long lost family?

Original poster
Whoarewe00 · 08/08/2022 23:11

TheDangerOfIgnorance · 08/08/2022 23:04

I would suggest your brother access the website of the local authority where he lives (not where he was born) and look for the email address for post adoption support. He needs to ask for the Access To Information service. This may take a few months but his file will be pulled from archive and a copy sent to his own local authority where a summary will be made and given to him. He will be able to find out his birth father information from there and other pre adoption details. He also needs to apply to the GRO General Registry Office, a Gov site for his original birth certificate. That may also name his father. th ATI information could reveal secrets about your mother too. Since 1975 children are rarely relinquished, most are removed for other reasons. Talk it through with him and he needs to cite you as his support when he has his pre ATI interview.

He has had alot of dealings with / support from post adoption support where he currently lives. They acted as an intermediary for him and our mother. Unfortunately they don't hold any information at all about his father. There was nobody named on his original birth certificate and no details given at any point before during or after his adoption.

Mum would sway between saying she was under pressure from her father to give him up for adoption, to then saying social services were the ones insisting he be taken into care. It's not clear which version is the truth.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whoarewe00 · 08/08/2022 23:13

CornishTiger · 08/08/2022 23:08

Would you consider long lost family?

I think so actually yes.

It has been a longstanding joke between us that I'm going to apply.

I've sent my brother a message asking if he wants to do a DNA test to rule out us being full siblings, I'm sure he'll be happy to although is bound to think 'WTF' at first as its something neither of us ever considered.

OP posts:
CornishTiger · 08/08/2022 23:21

I’d consider doing the dna test on my ancestry too. £39 and a possibility you will get some leads?

Twofurrycats · 08/08/2022 23:24

Is there anyone else you could ask, directly or indirectly? Does your mother have any siblings or cousins, old friends or work colleagues?

Pqpqpqpq · 08/08/2022 23:29

It could possibly be that the father/fathers weren't very nice people for many different reasons and she doesn't want ti rake up the past, might have have been protecting you and herself as well.

Original poster
Whoarewe00 · 08/08/2022 23:30

£39 is a bargain. I'm definitely going to do it.

There is nobody else I can ask for any more information unfortunately. Mum's only sibling said she never knew or met my father as she was living abroad around the time I was conceived/born.

She said she has no information whatsoever about my brothers father either, although she wasn't abroad when he was conceived/born and theoretically would've been on the scene when mum was (I'm assuming) seeing his dad.

OP posts: