To think our mother knows more about our fathers than she let's on

[Whoarewe00]

NC.

I grew up in a single parent family. My mother (who is extraordinarily selfish) only ever gave vague details about my father and claimed to not know where he lived, what he did for a living, what other family he had. Whenever I mentioned wanting to know about him she'd get frustrated with me and say he was "cunning and crafty" and she doesn't know anything to tell me so I need to drop it.

When I was in my 20's I discovered, by complete chance, that I have an older brother who was given up for adoption at birth.

He, like me, wanted to know who his father was but our mother claimed she doesn't know anything about him and can't even remember his name. We know we don't share the same father as me and our mother are Caucasian but my brother is not.

At first she said she met his father when she was working at a certain place, then later changed her story completely as though she'd forgotten what she'd said, as she then said he worked somewhere completely different.

AIBU to think she is deliberately withholding information she must have, from the pair of us?

How realistic do you think it is that she got pregnant to two completely different men she knew nothing about?

If the father wasn't named how did they know who he was? It could be he wasn't interested as he didn't know he had a child until he was contacted. Or perhaps she simply told them he wasn't interested.

It's worth going on but do remember that when you contact others it may be a shock for them.

When DH's father was told by dh's mother she was pregnant, he offered a £5 / a £10 ( disputed ) and ran for the hills.

It was a short relationship.

He won't get any details about his father as his mother didn't tell them anything about him!

So he wasn't named but the information given about him was simply that he wasn't interested.

So therefore mum must have said he did know about the pregnancy and wanted no part in it.

My brother said it was agreed that he'd be put up for adoption before he was even born, that much was ascertained from the notes the adoption support worker had access to.

I forgot to add - he said he doesn't actually have a birth certificate. Just an adoption certificate.

Has your brother had any DNA matches on ancestry so far? Any cousins or anything?

Be prepared that you might find information that is unexpected, it's possible your father was a family member E.g. uncle, grandparent. I've came across this before in my line of work. This could be why your mother is being so vague, possibly conceived from sexual abuse/rape

He was linked to a distant second (i think) cousin.

He made contact with her and she couldn't be of any help. She'd never heard of our mother and couldn't assist at all.

There was nobody else.

I dont recognise her family name and we wouldn't get anything from mum.

I hate to say this but the thought had crossed my mind once or twice. When you have such little information and that information poses more questions than it does answers you have to consider everything. Even things like that 🙁

@Whoarewe00 hopefully it isn't the case and you and your brother find out who your father/fathers are. Good luck in your continued search

Apologies, I haven't read your full thread - but have you looked at your birth certificate and your brother's birth certificate? Apologies if you have, I couldn't see it mentioned from what I read. If it's blank then obviously it doesn't help, but it may give you a name.

I'm sure it's never occurred to Op to look for her fathers name on her birth certificate, under "fathers name".

🙄

There is no father listed on my birth certificate unfortunately. My brother doesn't have a birth certificate just an adoption certificate.

The adoption agency weren't given any details about his father, simply told that he wasn't interested.

I had social services involvement when I was a child so I'm going to do a freedom of information request to see if there is anything held on file about my father or my brothers adoption.

As hard as it is perhaps she doesn’t want to be reminded of the past. For whatever the reasons were that the relationships didn’t last it could be just too personal for her to say

I agree with this.

My maternal grandmother died with my mum was a toddler. She knows her name and that is pretty much it - never even seen a photograph.

It is heartbreaking

From what you say it sounds as if your mother has come from some kind of background of abuse. It’s entirely possible that she is blanking out the details and may believe what she is saying or it may be true. Babies born of incest are often brought up within that family.

I once met a woman who apparently lived a pretty straight life but would occasionally go on a massive binge and at least twice (quite likely more) became pregnant and had those babies adopted. That was around the millennium I think. She very likely didn’t know who the father was.

Your mother sounds very troubled and won’t give you what you want and need. I’m glad you have a brother for support, even if you discover nothing else you have him.

Quite possible that it is two different fathers, agree there may be something you'd perhaps rather not know, but ultimately it should be information you have, to decide if you want to meet your father if he is contactable and alive.

Possibly the evasiveness could be out of shame, especially if the rest of your mother's family were hostile or condemning towards her.

I'd assume that this 2nd cousin is from your brother's dad's side though....I wouldn't expect anyone on his side to be familiar with your mum or know her name.

It could easily be that your mum became pregnant from a short relationship/one night stand and never told the dad, so his family wouldn't necessarily know anything about her. Or even if she did tell him and he wasn't interested, he still likely wouldn't share her details with his family.

I'd get your brother to go back to this person and ask if they know of any men in their family of around X age, who might have links to the relevant area, and whether they could maybe ask their own parents or other older relatives just in case. It's definitely worth a try.

Also I'd tell your mum you're going to apply to Long Lost Family...might nudge her into giving you at least some information to try and stop you doing that.

Also, what is the age difference between you and your brother? If it's a good few years I'd definitely expect it to be 2 different dads as otherwise it would have needed to be a longer term relationship and someone in your mum's life would have likely known her to be with this man, even if it was an affair etc.

I was born in 1994, my brother was born in 1986. There is 8 years between us.

I'll change places for the sake of anonymity but our mother lived in, let's say Manchester, for the sake of the thread - all of her life until she was pregnant with my brother. She then moved to Yorkshire* when she was pregnant with him and gave birth to him there. I was then born in Yorkshire 8 years later.

A friend of mine knew she was adopted within her family. She knew she also had a younger half sibling who was also adopted within the family.

She knew who her supposed father was but he also wasn't in the picture when she grew up but they knew of each other and would see each other occasionally. As she was adopted within the family she thought she knew the whole story about her family, so didn't really think anything of it when someone bought her and her husband Ancestry DNA kits for Christmas (from her husband's side of the family).

She did the test, sent it off, got the results back (100% Irish, not unexpected!), got linked to her half sibling and a few other relatives - no surprises there.

About 18 months later she got a notification of another familial match. This was shortly followed by an email from the guy who had matched with her. The email she'd received had said "likely first cousin".

Turns out it wasn't a first cousin. It was another half sibling that neither her or any of the family knew about and he was the youngest of the three of them. One family member remembered hearing a rumour of another baby, but nothing was ever known for certain. He had been given up for adoption to the system instead.

Do an Ancestry test @Whoarewe00 - even if you can't find your father, he may very well have gone on to have another family. It may be unexpected or surprising for that family to find out about you, but there's a chance that even your own father knew nothing of you.

I'm sure you're Mum isn't fibbing when she says she has no contact details for him as many years will have passed, but I would say it's very unlikely that she knows nothing about them (unless she was particularly promiscuous and had some one night stands!). It is a shame that she can't or won't talk to you about it.

Perhaps tell her that you're going to do a test, to give her one final opportunity to say something, just in case she's really not told you for a reason (if he was violent, for example).

Good luck

Yeah see this would say 2 different fathers to me, although no harm in checking via the DNA thing. Plus if you upload yours you might get some matches for yourself as well.

Another thing you could try - although it is a bit public - is if you know the town/area your mum lived in when you were born, you could try joining a local fb page and asking if anybody knows/remembers her? People often post looking for news of old neighbours etc on my local page, and one person actually posted looking for their dad who they had never met. They had a name though so might be a next-stage thing for you. Worth a shot :)

I think her brother being Indian while she isn't is more conclusive to the 2 fathers notion than geography or timing

Well yeah, me too😂 But as others have said, you can't always know ethnicity by appearances alone and if OP has never explored her own DNA heritage then anything is possible really.

My brother doesn't have a birth certificate just an adoption certificate.

He should have a birth certificate, if he knows where and when he was born he should be able to obtain a copy.