To think our mother knows more about our fathers than she let's on

[Whoarewe00]

NC.

I grew up in a single parent family. My mother (who is extraordinarily selfish) only ever gave vague details about my father and claimed to not know where he lived, what he did for a living, what other family he had. Whenever I mentioned wanting to know about him she'd get frustrated with me and say he was "cunning and crafty" and she doesn't know anything to tell me so I need to drop it.

When I was in my 20's I discovered, by complete chance, that I have an older brother who was given up for adoption at birth.

He, like me, wanted to know who his father was but our mother claimed she doesn't know anything about him and can't even remember his name. We know we don't share the same father as me and our mother are Caucasian but my brother is not.

At first she said she met his father when she was working at a certain place, then later changed her story completely as though she'd forgotten what she'd said, as she then said he worked somewhere completely different.

AIBU to think she is deliberately withholding information she must have, from the pair of us?

How realistic do you think it is that she got pregnant to two completely different men she knew nothing about?

I’ve had this situation in my family. It comes to a point where you just can’t keep asking the same question again and again. I think you need to make peace with the fact you may never find out before you embark on a journey of trying to find him, otherwise you set yourself up for disappointment and frustration with no end in sight.

It's frustrating isn't it?

I would do well to unwrite the father of my eldest child from my history as he was a real POS, but I don't feel I have the right to deprive DS of the knowledge about where he came from.

For the most part we have made peace with the fact we may never know but every so often it comes to mind and bothers me. I know it bothers DB too.

OP you mentioned about no other family to ask, but if your mum was a homebody did she stay in the same local area - was there anyone else around - friends, colleagues - that you could approach?

I say this from experience - I found out by accident as a teenager that my mum had previously been married, that I had older half siblings, and that my aunt had had children adopted (at a time when unmarried mothers were forced to do so). I didn't get any details other than names (which were too common to be of use, or first names only) My mum and aunt both died when I was a young adult and I thought there was no one I could go to.

Years later I went back to the area, got chatting to someone in a local pub and the person mentioned 'oh you're so and so's daughter' but referred to a surname I didn't recognise. I didn't show it as didn't want to make them feel uncomfortable, but they clearly knew my mum when she was in her first marriage and I gleaned some info. Turned out that it was common knowledge locally about my mum's kids, her first marriage, and my aunt's children (which was a scandal because she was still at school when the first was born) It was only a secret by my mum to us kids. The whole time, her ex, his family and second wife lived 10mins walk from us, and no one knew that we didn't know!

This is awful and very unfair. Everyone has right to know where they came from/their background/who their family is. The least the woman can do is give them honest answers.

I think the main ancestry websites could help you find more distant relations which could help you find him.

I never said it wasn't unfair. It's a shame. That doesn't change the fact that the op's mother isn't going to tell them anything else about their father.

I disagree with some pp and actually think it's not your mother's secret to keep. He's your father and you have a right to know who he is. She must have realised you'd want to know at some point. I would do your DNA on ancestry and look that way.

@Whoarewe00 if your brother already has his DNA on Ancestry then all you need to do is test there and you should have your answer. He doesn't need to test further.
AncestryDNA has the biggest database and you can then upload your DNA for free to MyHeritage.
I didn't know who my father was and traced his via ancestry through distant cousin matches. I've also helped a few other people to trace their unknown fathers. PM me if you'd like some advice.

Maybe they were married men or something and didn't tell her the complete truth either. X

If you do the ancestory test that your brother did that will tell you if you are full siblings or not and also possible link you to your dads relatives.

I really sympathise with you but without knowing her it's possible she is trying to protect you from something.

She might not know, it's not beyond reason I h she had a ONS to get pregnant if she's never had other boyfriends. I'd do the dna tastings to see if you've a match

What information is on your birth cert? I haven't looked at one in some years (!) but they generally have the address of the mother and occupation. Have you seen your birth cert? Were you born in England? I don't know whether you could do a FOI request in relation to your birth? I'm not sure that we're entitled to our own birth details as technically, they'll be your mother's medical records. From the birth cert, if you were born somewhere other than where you live now, I'm wondering, given one of the posts above who found out from the locals, whether you could wander there and find out? See who the biggest gossip is and go and chat to them! Lol.

Can I ask your age now, as depending on how old you are and what country your mother was in, it may well have been considered shameful to have had a child outside of wedlock. Two of my aunts gave children up for adoption about 40 years ago. I'm pretty sure that they would have been forced to do it or coerced into it at the least. Only one of them has found their Mum (it was actually the Mum's eldest (or who we thought was the eldest) who searched for his sister). She had a good life and has a daughter herself by the time she was reunited with her Mum (my aunt).

There are other ways too of finding some information such as by looking at censuses from your very early years to see whether your mother may have been living with someone at the time of your birth (or 9 months before lol).

Also, this is a little underhand, but ask for details around your childhood and where you lived. You could also ask your Mum about her travels!

Census records are not released for 100 years

As a previous poster has said, if you do an ancestry dna test it will tell you if you and your brother are half or full siblings.

Once you have your results your paternal family can be identified from them. If you have close enough matches it could even lead you to your father. A poster above has offered help, there are also Facebook groups that will help you for free once you have your results.

Really? That is something I never knew! Jeez, why is that?

Ancestry DNA should help.
It helped my DH clarify that the man who he thought was his father, actually was. It took time though.
He had messaged someone who came up on Ancestry but they never replied. If they had it would have saved him almost 2 years of wondering if what he had been told was true. His mother had died.
Thankfully someone else joined Ancestry, almost 2 years later who was a close match to his father and was also related to the woman who never replied to his enquiry.

I know someone else in this situation. The mother took it to their grave (pretty much ruining their relationship with the daughter in the process) but I think the daughter found out who her dad was anyway through a DNA site afterwards. So I would try that first.

My sister and I used Ancestry DNA to trace our biological grandad. We didn’t have a name, my Dad had been adopted and when he traced his biological mum, she too would not/could not give a name, although she gave some details, which helped us a bit later on.

As others have said, it will tell you if you and your brother are full or half siblings. Good luck!

I feel for you. Secrets cost. The effects they have can shape people’s choices and lives.
Keep going. It’s great that you’ve found your brother, that is the true gift of this situation. You may never know, but to reach acceptance i think you both need to feel you’ve done everything you can to find out. Stick together. Nobody can take your sibling relationship away now.
Wishing you all the very best

Thanks for all of your replies and suggestions! I have PM'd the poster who has experience with this type of thing / tracing.

My brother said he's happy to do a DNA test to see if we're full siblings, he was intrigued as he'd never considered that we would be but now can't rule it out. I've told him about the information access request (copy and pasted that posters advice - thank you!) and he's going to look into it.

I can now see that as he's already done an ancestry DNA it's only me who needs to do one.

As it stands the only information given to him from post adoption support was extremely vague but states that father wasn't named and he's not interested. That's pretty much what I was told about my father too.

Something of interest we want to look into is how it appears that our grandparents moved our mother across country when she was pregnant with him. His post adoption support contact felt there may have been some attempt to hide the fact mum was pregnant with a mixed race baby. It may be that there was a stigma at the time, unmarried white woman gets pregnant by a 'brown' man but I can't think who my grandparents would want to hide it from? They were quite isolated people, not part of any religious community or friendship group - which would make it difficult to return to any particular area and ask around iykwim?

..and it still doesn't explain the secrecy surrounding my father.

We were chatting about it all into the small hours and we're both equally confused and feel that there's alot more to our stories than was let on.

There is alot of dysfunction on our mothers side with all but one of 6 siblings having either mental health or substance abuse issues.

You just need to do a dna test too and compare results. He won't need to do his again. Put yours on Ancestry and see if you are a match.