To tell DH to STFU (trigger warning - sexual assault)

[MidnightStay]

DS (17) has recently disclosed to us that he was seriously sexually assaulted when he was 12. We are trying to support and find professional help for him, as well as process this information ourselves. DH though, is constantly on at me and DS that we need to report to the police, but DS has clearly stated he doesn’t want to. He isn’t ready to talk about the details and DH keeps asking him questions about it. I know this is probably DHs way of trying to process it but it’s causing distress to DS. I just want to yank him outside and tell him to STFU or fuck off and stay at his mums. I’m devastated by it all but trying to put my feelings aside for now and just trying to be there for him, though I feel clueless how to truly do that. I just want to take it all away for him.

I know it’s probably unreasonable to tell DH to fuck off/STFU but I (and DS) need him to stop pushing. Words of wisdom, hand hold, advice, anything please?

How did it all come out, did he just blurt it out? your DS will need time and space to process his emotions now it's all out in the open, it was very brave of him to tell you. You need to tell your DH to give your DS some space as otherwise it will risk your DS clamming up about it and retraumatising him. If it happened 5 years ago there isn't an immediate rush to get all the details to go to the police anyway, so tell him to back off. Have you spoken to your son about speaking to a counsellor privately? I'm sorry this has happened to your DS

I'm so sorry, that must be heart breaking for you. I think you're absolutely doing the right thing. Has your husband acknowledged that he isn't dealing with it in a way that's helpful to your son? I think you would be well within your rights to tell him quite plainly that he needs to stop or go away for a little while. I know it's a lot to get his head around and, like you say, he's probably trying to process it, but it's not reasonable to do that at the expense of your son. He needs to be the priority. If your husband needs to talk it out and get his head around it then he needs to do it with somebody else.

I hope your son is ok and I think he is extremely brave for telling you.

I'm so sorry for your ds. He has been incredibly brave to tell you, if only what he is ready to say. He is probably not ready to relieve any details himself yet.

I have no advice on how to deal with this, but the nhs site has some useful information with regards to assault and how to deal with certain things. With regards to your dh, it says this

Supporting a victim of sexual assault

Advice for relatives and friends of someone who has been sexually assaulted includes:

Believe what they're saying and tell them this.
Listen to the person, but don't ask for details of the assault. Don't ask them why they didn't stop it. This can make them feel as though you blame them.
Offer practical support, such as asking them if they would like you to go with them to appointments.
Respect their decisions – for example, whether or not they want to report the assault to the police.
Bear in mind they might not want to be touched. Even a hug might upset them, so ask first. If you're in a sexual relationship with them, be aware that sex might be frightening, and don't put pressure on them to have sex.
Don't tell them to forget about the assault. It will take time for them to deal with their feelings and emotions. You can help by listening and being patient.

I really hope your ds finds his way through this 💐

This is so tough. First huge respect to your son for telling you, and I'm so glad you're getting support for him. I think you need to think about support all together as a family too.

In the meantime I'd get your husband to read about ring theory (comfort in, dump out) - he might be feeling lots of things (guilt, anger, fear that the perpetrator could be free to do it to someone else, etc). But he needs to vent those feelings away from your son, who is in the central "ring".

Best wishes to you all and I hope you all get support that really helps you 💐

Lose your shit at him if that's what it takes. He will only end up making it harder for your DS if he does want to open up but knows he'll be quizzed like bloody Ann Robinson if he does.

This is the reason I never told and still haven't. My mum would be exactly like that, wanting to know exactly what happened, when it happened, how it happened, where she was at the time.

Every detail.

I can't face the inquisition so I didn't tell anyone, opting to see a therapist in secret 20 years later. (I was 9 at the time)

But honestly telling my counsellor about it was a lot easier than talking about it to family would have been and I don't think I'd still be here if it wasn't for him.

Obviously if NHS you won't have a choice but if going private, try to let him choose the counsellor/therapist and don't pressure him to stick with someone if he meets them and doesn't like them. That relationship will become very important and the level of trust required to talk about it is built on a foundation that is either there or it isn't.

It was only with his support that I eventually made a police report. Nothing came of it but if the person ever has another complaint against him, it will flag up.

If you have any questions about that reporting process, what it was like (not as bad as I thought it would be) or even just want to ask anything random, you can pm me. I don't mind. I feel for your son as I've been where he is so if I can help in any way, do ask.

I would tell H to STFU at the spot. You have to show your DS that you're by his side. DS needs someone by his side, specially when his F is being an arsehole.

(My DF used to hit me and my siblings and my DM never intervened. I blame her for not defending us)

I would. It’s not what your son wants (or needs right now). Take it at his pace but be kind to yourself too

How did it all come out, did he just blurt it out?
Have you spoken to your son about speaking to a counsellor privately?

@concernedalot Thank you. We’ve had some behavioural issues for quite some time - drinking, drugs, skipping school, etc (now I know why). He came home drunk, we were angry, the discussion got a bit heated and he broke down. I think he regrets it a little tbh.
We are getting him into counselling yes. He is reluctant but has agreed to try it.

Has your husband acknowledged that he isn't dealing with it in a way that's helpful to your son?

@Spinzy Thank you. DH hasn’t really acknowledged that, no. I don’t think he’s even able to right now. I’m going to suggest he talks to a counsellor too, but he has to stop asking DS.

@longtompot Thank you. I will find and show DH that page.

@takealettermsjones Thank you. I’ve just looked up ring theory. It makes sense. I will show DH that too. I think you’re right that we will all probably need some help. I am so devastated and feel crippled with guilt right now.

I would just firmly tell dh to stfu and stay away for now if he can't. this moment in your sons life is very important in terms of his own processing of his trauma and he needs protecting from adults who can't act in his best interests.

I'm so sorry you're all going through this. How incredible he told you though, you must have a good relationship for him to have done so. This will get him through. Sending you hugs

The link www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/help-after-rape-and-sexual-assault/

@Notanotherwindow Thanks for your post and offer. Do you have any advice on how to choose a counsellor? There are so many out there. We will of course, let DS choose but it’s a bit overwhelming. Is there a particular type of therapy that’s best?

@whatwouldAnnaDelveydo DH is as devastated as I am. He is just handling it all wrong. Not saying I’m doing any better though. I will be speaking to him tonight about it.

Sorry this has happened to you too.

I found this useful.

www.birchalltrust.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/09/Why-My-Child-Leaflet-1.pdf

my children were referred to a specialist service. They didn’t actually engage and seem to have processed what happened with the few sessions and a lot of talking to me, but we can now use this up until their 18th birthday. Depending on where you live you may also have this option.

I really struggled and attended a parent group. My husband dealt with it in his own way, differently to me.

Would it help if he read the sort of advice longtompot found from an 'official source' like the NHS website? Maybe seeing it in black and white coming from somewhere he feels knows what they're talking about might convince him. Not that you should need to show him 'proof' but if it makes him listen and saves DS more distress it's probably worth it. If that doesn't work he really has to go, at least for the time being. I'm sorry you and DS are going through this, I'm glad he has you to protect him

Please be firm with your DH but do it from the perspective of DS' best interests.

Understandably your husband is angry and sad and confused and he won't know how to deal with all of that but he can't let DS know that. He needs to be the dad that DS needs right now.

You must not send him to counselling, it is not an approved trauma therapy because the evidence shows it makes trauma worse. NICE has published guidance on this and any ISVA or other professional in this field would tell you the same. Under no circumstances should anybody with trauma undertake counselling, it embeds the trauma and prevents people from healing.

Trauma-focused CBT, cognitive trauma therapy (CTT), EMDR, family systems therapy, etc are interventions with an evidence base that shows they are safe and effective for trauma. They must be undertaken by a psychologist or psychotherapist with trauma expertise.

Please please please do not send him off to counselling, it will do so much harm and stop him recovering.

*I would just firmly tell dh to stfu and stay away for now if he can't. this moment in your sons life is very important in terms of his own processing of his trauma and he needs protecting from adults who can't act in his best interests.

I'm so sorry you're all going through this. How incredible he told you though, you must have a good relationship for him to have done so. This will get him through. Sending you hugs*

I will speak to DH when he gets home. Thank you. I don’t think he really meant to tell us. He was drunk, we were arguing, he broke down saying we had no idea, we didn’t know everything and just kind of blurted out some garbled sentences about it. It was horrific seeing him like that. He has since clammed up completely. Doesn’t want to talk about it any further with us.

In terms of therapy - I would google your local rape crisis service ( just Google sexual assault service in 'local area') and see if yu can speak to someone there. They will be best first port of call

Thank you for this. It’s useful to know what we should be looking for to help him. Which type is best?

So sorry OP that this happened to DS.

Re choosing a counsellor, you need someone fully qualified with experience of working with teens who have been sexually abused. This is very important because however nice someone appears, if they don't have professional training and experience in these two areas, there's a chance that they'll inadvertently cause more damage. Saying that, once the expertise is found, it's important that DS feels comfortable with the person. That's another important part.

I am afraid I don't know where to direct you but hopefully someone will be along with more specific info. I'd say though that it would be better going via the GP and going on a waiting list for someone correctly trained, than going to someone without the training/experience sooner. Hopefully those aren't the only two options though!

Trauma-focused CBT, cognitive trauma therapy (CTT), EMDR, family systems therapy, etc are interventions with an evidence base that shows they are safe and effective for trauma. They must be undertaken by a psychologist or psychotherapist with trauma expertise.

This OP. These are the names. And I agree with this poster.

@MidnightStay oh poor thing, must have been so awful for you to hear and see him so distressed. It may have been unplanned, but he is still telling you, he is still your little boy letting you know someone hurt him and he needs your help with it (he would never say those words perhaps but that's what is being communicated) well done, you're doing the right thing x

Of course YABU
Poor kid doesn’t need his parents fighting over him and your DH rightly wants the abuser to be arrested.

Your DS is not ready for the police yet and you need to CALMLY explain to DH that the more he’s pushing him to go to the police, the more he’s going to shut down.

Tell him you completely support him in wanting justice for your son and you will encourage him to go to the police but it needs to be done in his own time and that you both need to get professional support to know how to deal with it before you go in all guns blazing.

The most important thing is that DS sees that both of his parents believe and support him.
Shouting at DH or kicking him out is going to send him the opposite message.