To tell DH to STFU (trigger warning - sexual assault)

[MidnightStay]

DS (17) has recently disclosed to us that he was seriously sexually assaulted when he was 12. We are trying to support and find professional help for him, as well as process this information ourselves. DH though, is constantly on at me and DS that we need to report to the police, but DS has clearly stated he doesn’t want to. He isn’t ready to talk about the details and DH keeps asking him questions about it. I know this is probably DHs way of trying to process it but it’s causing distress to DS. I just want to yank him outside and tell him to STFU or fuck off and stay at his mums. I’m devastated by it all but trying to put my feelings aside for now and just trying to be there for him, though I feel clueless how to truly do that. I just want to take it all away for him.

I know it’s probably unreasonable to tell DH to fuck off/STFU but I (and DS) need him to stop pushing. Words of wisdom, hand hold, advice, anything please?

Hardly a firm serve. You did say it would be reasonable for her to say STFU and you did advise her to tell him to go educate himself.

I've read some very helpful books, and sometimes shared those, I can post links if you want or PM me.

@IfICouldHelp Yes please, I’d appreciate that. And thank you for sharing your experience. Also @ittakes2 thank you.

I’m in the process of writing DS an email with lots of links on so he can read it when and wherever he wants to on his own, or with me, or his dad, so any links to helpful resources would be appreciated. Not much sleep in our house last night.

I've PMed you with books I found helpful, both for me, and my DH, and a few others have read them too.

@MarshaMelrose
I'm sure OP can communicate that advise to her own DH in her own words, not mine, & in telling her to educate him, I supplied a few articles that were designed to do precisely that.

ie - helpful to her situation. Entirely unlike just taking time to keep carping at a fellow PP. Not sure what your problem is with me, but do you think you could work it out in your own space, instead of OP's thread? Cheers.

I’m sorry for continuing this thread. I just need somewhere to vent so I don’t do it to DS or DH who are both struggling.

DS is avoiding us completely. I don’t know what to do. It’s like he hates us. I have tried to be relaxed yet approachable for DS but he is acting like he never said anything. How am I supposed to help him when he’s hurting if he won’t even be in the same room as me?

@MidnightStay have you asked him? You could reflect to him - you seem really angry with us, is that how you feel?
Perhaps ds is finding it overwhelming and is picking up on your / dh anxiety and distress?

Be honest with ds. - I'm so sad that happened to you and I cant stop thinking about it. Me and dad just want to make it better but i know we can't.
We are worried about you and want to support you in the way you need. Is there anything we could be doing differently right now that would help you?

I'm so sorry you're all going through this OP.

I helped a friend access support for childhood/teen assault and sometimes the best thing to do was just not to talk about it. DS is maybe feeling like life is now just all about this event (especially if you are the only 2 people who know about it) and that's why he's shutting himself off again. As difficult as it is, maybe a few days of "normality", don't talk about it, don't pass on information for therapy etc. It becomes, for want of a better analogy, a bit like circuit training. A little bit of a push forward, talking about it, then a little while of decompressing. Then another little push forward, more decompressing. It took us literally months to get to the stage of even contacting someone to get an appointment.

I hope your DS gets the help he needs when he is ready.