Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell DH to STFU (trigger warning - sexual assault)

57 replies

MidnightStay · 08/08/2022 18:10

DS (17) has recently disclosed to us that he was seriously sexually assaulted when he was 12. We are trying to support and find professional help for him, as well as process this information ourselves. DH though, is constantly on at me and DS that we need to report to the police, but DS has clearly stated he doesn’t want to. He isn’t ready to talk about the details and DH keeps asking him questions about it. I know this is probably DHs way of trying to process it but it’s causing distress to DS. I just want to yank him outside and tell him to STFU or fuck off and stay at his mums. I’m devastated by it all but trying to put my feelings aside for now and just trying to be there for him, though I feel clueless how to truly do that. I just want to take it all away for him.

I know it’s probably unreasonable to tell DH to fuck off/STFU but I (and DS) need him to stop pushing. Words of wisdom, hand hold, advice, anything please?

OP posts:
MidnightStay · 08/08/2022 19:56

@autocollantes Thank you. He won’t go to the GP. He’s seen the same GP since he was a baby. He doesn’t want anyone he knows to know about it.

OP posts:
chilliesandspices · 08/08/2022 19:58

You're not unreasonable but neither is your DH. He wasn't able to protect your son and he's angry about it. He's trying to find a way to fix it now and do anything he can. Obviously it's the wrong thing for your DS but try to approach it from a place of understanding. Acknowledge his anger and try to gently remind him that the best way to help is by doing what's best for DS, not what he thinks he should do.

RJnomore1 · 08/08/2022 19:58

I agree your husband may need counselling. He’s coming from a place of love abs anger and wants the perpetrator punished. That’s a pretty normal reaction but he needs to learn how to control it and how to support your son.

EMDR is great for trauma related PTSD. But I think you may need a psychological evaluation to find out what will be best for your son.

im so sorry this is happening but remember, while you are all in shock, this is old news to your son. He’s been carrying and dealing with it for 5 years. His reaction will be completely different and that’s probably what your husband isn’t processing just now.

MidnightStay · 08/08/2022 19:58

@TommySaid You’re right. I know. I think I’m just venting my frustration. I will speak to DH as calmly as I can when he gets home. Thank you.

OP posts:
Nephthys21 · 08/08/2022 20:08

I'm a clinical psychologist who works with young people. Agree that there are evidence based trauma therapies that your son can consider - the most appropriate one would depend on the difficulties he's experiencing in relation to the trauma and would be assessed by the psychologist/therapist he saw. However, people can take a long time to be ready for that stage. In the first instance, he may find it helpful to access whatever local rape/sexual assault services are available in your area. These people can help him to build some basic coping strategies and consider his options going forward, including police and therapy.

whatwouldAnnaDelveydo · 08/08/2022 20:10

Well, your DS's feelings come first. If DH can understand it, great. (Meaning he will refrain from acting obnoxiously with your DS, regardless of how he is feeling). And yes, I'm being harsh. Adults should behave in an adult manner.

Notanotherwindow · 08/08/2022 20:12

As a pp mentioned, he would need a trauma informed therapist although I disagree with what that poster has said about nobody with trauma should do counselling. My attempt at trauma focused cbt led to my first suicide attempt and counselling has been a literal life saver.

The cbt therapist was not helpful when the techniques did not work for me. Implied I was not trying hard enough. My counsellor is the one who sat with me while I struggled to get words out and answered my phone call at stupid o clock in the evening during a crisis.

Not everyone is the same.

I'd advise searching a register, COSRT would be best as almost all the therapists on there will have dealt with cases of sexual trauma or you can use the BACP site, which is what I used.

I scanned photos first tbh as anyone who remotely resembled the rapist was a hard no. I filtered for about 30 miles of where I lived as anything further away was hard to get to and then made a shortlist of people I liked the look of, were qualified and that I could afford.

The counsellor I ended up with was actually the least qualified of the list but he called back immediately, was respectful of my space and the fact that I was nervous about going into a house with him.

He kept his hands in his pockets until he sat down, no sudden movements and explained that he would not ask for details but would listen if I wanted to talk about the details. It took me nearly 2 years to do that but I can tell him anything now and I felt safe with him.

Make a shortlist. Go for qualifications, not necessarily modality, I've never really found it mattered, it's more about their style of working but they must have some experience working with trauma. I had one who kept telling me I just needed to write down activities and pull them out of a jar during panic attacks. Loony. She was the trauma cbt specialist as well!

Cost and location are obviously something to look at. Ask him if he has a preference for male or female.

List up to 10 options and let him check it out. Arrange for more than one intro session, meet a couple of them at least and see who he is most comfortable with.

MarshaMelrose · 08/08/2022 20:18

I think men tend to try and help by being practical problem solvers. And they can't solve the problem without all the facts. Which is probably inappropriate at this stage but it's meant with the best of intentions. Maybe you could refocus him on doing something practical that would help in the short term til your son feels comfortable to open up a bit. Ultimately it might be his father who he turns to. A neutral, uninvited counsellor for him to talk things through with would be a good start if he will cooperate in going.

bythebanksof · 08/08/2022 20:23

It's excellent advice from several posters above with respect to your son. Please look at "secondary survivor" resources, both yourself and DH really need support too. In case you are not familiar with the issue, I include some links below (these are just resource to get the concept on your radar)

www.crisiscenterbham.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/CC-vol6-Secondary-Survivors.pdf

saccwindsor.net/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/TIPS-FOR-FRIENDS-AND-FAMILY-OF-SURVIVORS-OF-SEXUAL-VIOLENCE.pdf

Your son/you/DH are classic examples of what can happen. I work in legal area, and unless you've been exposed to this, most people don't have an understanding of the havoc wrought by such crimes. I wish you all the best at this difficult, it's a long journey.

Also, in such cases, to add more complexity, I'd be immediately concerned also about other individuals that might be currently at risk.

TheLionTheWitchAndTheChesterDraws · 08/08/2022 20:27

napac.org.uk

I’d really recommend looking at this website. It’s the National Association of People Abused in Childhood. It may well help you and your DH as well.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/08/2022 20:32

I do think it's difficult for adult men to understand just how unlikely 'justice' is in cases like this. So your DS reports it. He has to go through the whole process just in case he is one of the vanishingly rare survivors who sees someone convicted.

Suffering additional trauma throughout.

TheLionTheWitchAndTheChesterDraws · 08/08/2022 20:37

I know it’s probably unreasonable to tell DH to fuck off/STFU but I (and DS) need him to stop pushing

I just wanted to add that, actually, it’s not unreasonable at all. I get he’s probably struggling to cope with what happened, but it isn’t him it happened to. Whatever negative feelings your son is feeling are going to be amplified tenfold having to cope with your DH’s reaction as well. All your DS needs from his parents is to know you believe him, you love him and you’ll do whatever he needs to help him cope with it. Your DH is making it all about him. Your DS has enough to cope with right now. He can’t cope with your DH as well.

MidnightStay · 08/08/2022 22:17

Thank you for the kind and helpful replies. I’ve spoken with DH and shown him some of the resources linked to. He acknowledged he’s been a bit of a clueless shit. We’ve both had a cry and he’s now gone to apologise to DS. Thanks for the resources. They have helped me talk it through with DH rather than just shouting at him. I don’t know where we go from here but will be guided by DS I suppose. I’ll look into private psychological help and present the options to him. And for me and DH too. I just hope DS will do it rather than continue with the self destructive stuff.

OP posts:
longtompot · 08/08/2022 22:31

That's really good to read @MidnightStay I hope you all, esp your ds, get the help you need to move forward with your lives 💐

MidnightStay · 09/08/2022 11:26

Thank you @longtompot. DS told DH last night it was a stranger, no one we know, and that DH couldn’t have done anything to stop it. I don’t know if that’s actually the case or whether DS is trying to make DH feel better somehow.

He also says now he doesn’t want to see or talk to any professionals about it, just wants to forget it. Obviously that approach has not worked out too well for him so far given the behavioural issues we’ve had, but I’m unsure how to make him see that. I am just trying to show and tell him I’m here for him no matter what, that he can tell me anything, I love him etc and hope that’s enough right now.

OP posts:
Nephthys21 · 09/08/2022 14:42

There isn't really any way to make someone be ready for therapy other than what you're doing, OP. Disclosing what happened was a huge step and if he feels supported by you and his dad then that can be therapeutic in itself to a degree.

It might be worth doing some of the legwork for him to find out what's available locally, either formal therapy or rape/sexual assault support, and give him the information so that he knows what his options are if/when he is ready.

MidnightStay · 09/08/2022 15:29

@Nephthys21 Thank you. I just feel so helpless and like I’m not doing anything to help him through it. I know you have to be ready for therapy but how can I help him realise drinking and taking drugs and avoiding life is not the answer in the meantime? We of course now have a reason for his behaviour over the last few years but what are we supposed to do with that information now? I’m at a bit of a loss. Do I just pretend to ignore it? Do I ask him if he wants to talk regularly? Do I punish him for getting drunk? Do I ask him if he wants to talk to someone else regularly? Do I wait for him to come to me or his dad? I feel like I’m walking on eggshells a bit, not knowing what to do. I want to hug him but I’m worried he will hate it.

OP posts:
10HailMarys · 09/08/2022 15:42

OP, you've done the right thing in having a proper conversation about it with your DH rather than 'telling him to STFU' or kicking him out. The last thing your DS needs right now is to think this is causing trouble between his parents - that would only make him feel so much worse. I'm really glad you and your DH are on the same page now, and I really hope your son will be ready one day to get the professional support that he needs. You sound like lovely parents and your DS will really benefit from having you both on his side.

longtompot · 09/08/2022 16:32

I think I would let him know you are there should he wish to talk, or wish to see someone else to talk to, that he can change his mind about that at any time. I would also say something about knowing he is hurting but if his drinking and behaviour starts to affect the family then you might have to insist on him seeing someone, though not sure if that is the right way to say it. I just wouldn't want him thinking he was ok to continue on his current path and to realise bottling it up will ultimately not help him.

IfICouldHelp · 09/08/2022 17:42

This is my own personal experience, and I'm not sure if it will be helpful, but here goes. I was raped as a teen (older than you DS) by a stranger.

  • I never told anyone at the time, not my sister, my friends, parents, etc. Nobody! I kept it to myself. There were up/downs, but it was always there in the background
  • I got to a really bad place mentally while in Uni, and finally reached out for help. I spoke to my Mum first, then RCC, the some help (talk therapy). Within a few weeks it had made a huge difference to me, but I feel that this was because I reached a point where I felt I needed help myself
  • (Maybe because I wanted the help) it felt like a weight off my shoulders, I was given some tools to help stress and anxiety.
  • Right through all this externally it seemed everything was OK, and I did very very well in Uni exams, got a good job, etc.
  • I gradually told a few closer friends people, including my BF. Stranger rape is rare, and a lot of people don't understand how it happens, they think this always ends in murder, so I sometimes encountered a sense of belief. The focus of society is on date rape, child abuse, etc. Strange rape (with associated murder) is left for movies and newspaper headlines.
  • When I told people it obviously resulted in many questions. Now I see that is the natural response. To try process it, they want to know what, where, when, why, how, who, etc. I found this upsetting, but now I see/understand that people will always want to know more as they process the shock themselves. If I'd been in a car crash for example, it would be the same types of questions. I ended up writing down what happened, so I did not have to explain every time. (it was something I'd read in a self help book)
  • I did later make a report to the police, knowing there would never be an investigation or follow up. I wanted to do this myself for records, etc.
  • I've continued to carry on and have a great life, kids, DH, jobs, etc. But it is always there.
I can't comment on your situation, but it seems fairly typical (if there is such a thing!). You are at the start of a journey, and your DS has been on it for several years Flowers I've read some very helpful books, and sometimes shared those, I can post links if you want or PM me.
IfICouldHelp · 09/08/2022 17:45

Also, I should add, as I got older, I've known a lot of people experienced serious sexual assault. I think a lot of people (luckily) coast through life and never encounter anything like that, or never speak about it. But in my social network I know so many. We have a serious problem in society (and maybe always did?)

ittakes2 · 09/08/2022 18:20

I am sorry this has happened to your son. I think the key thing to explain to your husband is when this happened to your son his choice about what happened to his body was taken away from him - and if your husband forces your son to do anything he is taking that choice away from him again and will leave your son feeling helpless and distraught (again).

What your son needs is both his parents to love him unconditionally and trust his choices now are what is right for him - I realise you are doing this already and you are an amazing mum.

Having decided to tell the police about a historical sexual abuse from a stranger when I was 11 - I have to say it was very very hard doing my statement. The police wanted to know what happened every single minute and I had to be specific - I had to explain what position my body was in and exactly how was I was touched by which parts of my attackers body. I had pushed the memories away and now I have them clearer in my mind than ever and I can not pretend they don't exist anymore. I don't regret doing it as it has brought me closure - but its not something that should be done until a person is ready for it.

When he is ready your son needs to decide what is best for him.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/08/2022 18:21

It wouldn't be in the slightest unreasonable to tell him to STFU. Also to stop making it all about him, stop subjecting his son to re-traumatising coercive questioning, & to generally back the fuck off.

However, I doubt it will help him learn, so a more practical option would be to ask him to educate himself. How tactfully you choose to phrase that is up to you - but here's some useful resources to start with -

rapecrisisni.org.uk/get-informed/support-for-family-friends-partners/
(DH seriously needs to learn the "DON'T DO" section off by heart)

safeline.org.uk/support-for-family-friends/

www.joyfulheartfoundation.org/learn/sexual-assault-and-rape/resources/family-friends-and-supporters

MarshaMelrose · 09/08/2022 18:46

It wouldn't be in the slightest unreasonable to tell him to STFU. Also to stop making it all about him, stop subjecting his son to re-traumatising coercive questioning, & to generally back the fuck off.
However, I doubt it will help him learn, so a more practical option would be to ask him to educate himself.

If you read the ops updates, she already had a chat with her husband and she handled it much better than telling him to shut the fuck up and educate himself.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/08/2022 18:52

MarshaMelrose · 09/08/2022 18:46

It wouldn't be in the slightest unreasonable to tell him to STFU. Also to stop making it all about him, stop subjecting his son to re-traumatising coercive questioning, & to generally back the fuck off.
However, I doubt it will help him learn, so a more practical option would be to ask him to educate himself.

If you read the ops updates, she already had a chat with her husband and she handled it much better than telling him to shut the fuck up and educate himself.

& if you read my post fully, you'd see that it empathised with OP's frustration but swerved firmly away from urging her to tell her DH to STFU.

HTH @MarshaMelrose