To not make her go to dance camp

[partypingu]

DD is 5 and refusing to go to dance / drama day camp.

I feel completely miserable, it's the only summer activity I've planned for her (apart from a trip to the seaside last week). Apart from the wasted money I am upset that's she's just hanging about doing nothing.

She doesn't want to see her friends, or go to the park, just to play at home / watch TV.

I know rationally that's she's only 5 and probably just needs to chill out at home but honestly it's been 3 weeks since school ended and there's another 3 weeks to go and should I let her just hang about at home the whole time? I'm limiting TV and we are going swimming every day but other than that she's doing absolutely nothing.

Her behaviour otherwise is excellent but I'm worried about her refusal to engage with anything / anyone.

I know I could force her to go but it feels wrong to make a 5 year old do a day long activity if they don't want to. Of course she would probably love it if she did go.

Can anyone talk some sense into me? If you are a more experienced parent can you tell me if any of this matters? I've lost perspective.

Honestly ?
From 12/13 earliest and even then I think DCs should be encouraged to continue with extra curricular activities.
DS is 18 and he says he wishes I'd pushed him harder to keep going with a couple of interests which he dropped in yr7/Yr 8.
I can only assume this child at some point showed some interest in dance for her to have been signed up to the camp. I have no truck with DCs chopping and changing at the 11th hour.
They need to learn to honour their commitments.

Why is it that people expect young children to be doing something all the time? If a parent is at home during the holidays, children should be playing with their toys, in the garden if it's fine, going to the shops with an adult, occasional days out at park or zoo' seeing local friends or relatives.

@partypingu - that’s a great reasoned response, I hope you find the right balance for you and your DD.

My 7yo would prefer to stay at home too. I'm telling him to go to camp cos he seems to be OK once there, he has a fortnight to chill starting next week, and crucially I need to work this week.

He does have friends there which reassures me a bit.

He once did a camp aged 5 where he didn't know anyone and didn't seem to make friends and I felt bad about that at the time. He can't even remember it now though.

Why not see how she gets on at camp and take it day by day? She might love it and learn how to make new friends.

With some of the responses on this thread, I'm starting to see why some of my kids' friends are so reluctant to try anything new, and are just content to sit around on their tablets or watching tv all day. If they're never encouraged to try new things, how are they ever going to know if they like them? I'm firmly team let her be and let DS miss a day last week. He's tried drama for a few years from just before lockdown started so Inc zoom and then back to face to face (he found it boring), he tried just dance for about 5 months (he was shattered by the Friday class), we've been doing gymnastics for the last year, he did art classes at school and any art classes I can find, he's on his second week of summer school, next term he'd doing fitness class at school. He knows it's safe to try stuff because ci won't force him to go. It doesn't mean I let him off at the slightest whim, we talk about it and any consequences (so if you miss Tues, fine but if you don't go We'd, not Thurs trip)

They need to learn to honour their commitments.

She's FIVE and it was her mums idea, not hers!

I did say I assumed the child had had an input- I was wrong.
However I think OP has somewhat shot herself in the foot here as it is surely easier to go on the first day than start midway through the week.

As it goes I think 5 is a bit young for an all day thing (although DCs had to go sometimes while I worked). My answer was in response to at what age to you give them autonomy ?

Which I answered. From 7-12 are really golden years for learning a new skill (and developing something of a work ethic tbh).

Don't see a problem with a kid wanting to hang around at home all summer, that's what I did when I was young. But, seeing as you've paid for it already and if she's otherwise well enough, I'd at least say she has to go for a morning,.If she's had enough and wants to go home, that's fair... but like you said, she'd probably enjoy it and want to stay. I don't think kids need to be busy all the time, but sometimes they need a bit of a push to go and do new things.

but I would not let them think that they had influenced this decision long term perhaps the same text but Def a different format 😂. I don't get the not letting them know they are allowed to make those decisions for themselves. Like I've just posted, he knew if he didn't go Wed there was no trip Thurs. And there were extenuating circs as I actually got off solo trip Sunday night so he'd not seen me really for 5 days so missed me. But I can't imagine orchestrating it so I got them out of things they didn't want to do but without letting them know they're allowed to have their own autonomy.

I think you've done the right thing. You've encouraged her to give it a go but you've also listened and supported her. I only ever did a week of that sort of thing as a child. It was ok as a week but I had no desire to repeat the experiment! You've left room for her to try again but you also understand that she might not be a camp person.

Honestly, I liked the break from all the bits of school I hated- sports/dance and craft crap - any sort of "organised fun" and also the people. I loved having a break from everyone I went to school with and wasn't overly bothered about having playdates. Sounds like OPs daughter might need that sort of break from people. It really recharges you, so I can understand not wanting to go to a club. Unless it's a necessity or the child wants it, I can't understand jam packing a child's day with directed, forced activity. And FWIW I was never a school refuser.

I think you should send her tomorrow. Tell her you have something to do that children can't attend. 5 year olds don't know what they will like until they are doing it, you should push them out their comfort zone on occasion. If she hates it then don't force her to go back obviously but the likelihood is she'll enjoy it once there.

You really can't give young children the power to make all their own decisions about everything because they are not emotionally ready, she won't be able to envision the club because she's not been. You wouldn't let her opt out of going to school, sending her for a day even if you pick her up early isn't going to damage her.

Can you just take her for the morning session? Until lunch time ? If you say -‘ I’ll pick you after lunch’ she might be more keen to go.

my 6 year old would struggle all day at a camp . But I don’t overdo it with her and I know 2 or 3 hours is her limit with clubs.
she too is happy pottering at home doing crafts etc but i think it’s good for them to have a change of scene and experience

I'd take her. Ask if you can ring and check in with the adult at lunchtime, if she's miserable pick her up. If not she'll have a great time. She doesn't have to go again after all. A few hours dancing isn't going to hurt.

If she’s going swimming every single day no wonder she’s happy to spend the rest of the day at home playing with her toys. I don’t see anything wrong with that to be honest. However as you have now paid for this drama/dance camp thing I would try my hardest to get her to at least try it in the hope that she likes it.

Remember 5 is so little. They have just done their first full year at school and don’t really have a concept of time so have no idea how long the 6 week holidays are.

My 5 year old wasn’t ready to be left at summer activities this holiday and that’s fine. We will try next summer instead.

Always good to book summer camps with a friend is possible

it is scary doing something different alone at that age

my dd is doing 2 days a week at camp. Sometimes she says she doesn’t want to go but I take her as know she loves it and is with friends she knows from school

and I’m right. Every day she runs out excited saying can I come tomorrow 😂showing me stuff she made

My little one often lacks confidence in these kind of situations. Usually I make sure to get his buy in before signing up to optional activities and then be very clear that its booked, paid for and he is committed so he needs to go but if he doesn't want to go next time/next year and we don't need him too for childcare reasons he won't have to. Once the decision is out of his hands, he will resolutely join and usually has a great time. Leaving it on her head to decide if she wants to be sociable or join activities is a big responsibility as she won't have a clear idea of what to expect.

I may be in my 30s, but can I go to dance camp?

This! I must be very old because when I was 5, there were no holiday dance/drama clubs.

if you’ve got a child who can play happily at home by herself, OP, I’d say you’re winning. Let her be.

We used to force our son to do odd day activities during the holidays. The last one he went to he enjoyed but on the following day he had a panic attack that morning and we couldn’t get him there for day two. After a lot of unpicking it turns out he has massive separation anxiety which he’s been masking for years. We felt so bad. So no more activities unless he wants to do them and has a friend going. It’s frustrating for us as he’s missing out on so much fun stuff at times but we have to manage the fine line between boosting his confidence and not setting him back. He’s fine at birthday parties and we can leave but just not things where he doesn’t know anyone.

I’d suggest trying to talk to your daughter to find out why she doesn’t want to go and perhaps organise some play dates so she sees her school friends over the holidays.

I would say (as someone who runs such clubs and has had reluctant kids who end up having a blast) make her go one day and see how she gets on, then if she doesn't enjoy herself, don't force it on her. I am also a mother of a 5 yr old who would chose to stay home with mummy every day of his life if he could, sometimes you gotta give them a little push if only for your own sanity!!

Firstly, I would try and get her to go - my boys sometimes do this, say they don't want to do something, go and then love it and want to do it again (they are both exactly like me in that respect!) .

Unless of course there is another reason she doesn't want to go... not well, scared etc.

Try and ask her some open questions to get to the bottom of it.

Regarding spending holidays at home, I think that's really lovely! We spend a lot of the summer at home, just pottering, playing in the garden, yes, watching movies, a little Minecraft (🙄) , and just generally have a slow few weeks. It's always lovely. I'm a homebody, and so are they. We do plan some days out - usually 1 a week (not big days out though, I'm talking small, low cost, but still something that kids look forward to and enjoy) and then usually 1 BIG day out at the end of the holidays. I find my boys appreciate it all so much more when we do less. And they don't have the expectation of a whole host of planned activities through the whole holidays. It's very similar to how I was brought up - I still remember those really exciting trips out at the end of summer!

If you’ve paid and do t get money back if they don’t like it, off she goes!
my eldest hated tennis camp one year but we sent him regardless. It’s good for them sometimes to be pushed out of their comfort zone. She’ll love the dance and drama she’s saying no because she doesn’t know what it’s like yet, they often resist for that reason alone.

I would send her in. And make sure she stays there.

She's only 5 and she doesn't get to dictate this.
Sounds like you both need a break from each other too.

It’s only one day. I would send her - she’ll probably love it. Is she feeling a bit shy? There were so many things my kids didn’t want to do which I coerced them into and they absolutely loved.