To not make her go to dance camp

[partypingu]

DD is 5 and refusing to go to dance / drama day camp.

I feel completely miserable, it's the only summer activity I've planned for her (apart from a trip to the seaside last week). Apart from the wasted money I am upset that's she's just hanging about doing nothing.

She doesn't want to see her friends, or go to the park, just to play at home / watch TV.

I know rationally that's she's only 5 and probably just needs to chill out at home but honestly it's been 3 weeks since school ended and there's another 3 weeks to go and should I let her just hang about at home the whole time? I'm limiting TV and we are going swimming every day but other than that she's doing absolutely nothing.

Her behaviour otherwise is excellent but I'm worried about her refusal to engage with anything / anyone.

I know I could force her to go but it feels wrong to make a 5 year old do a day long activity if they don't want to. Of course she would probably love it if she did go.

Can anyone talk some sense into me? If you are a more experienced parent can you tell me if any of this matters? I've lost perspective.

It depends on the degree to which she doesn't want to go. My 4yo moans about going to playball camp but always seems to have a great time when there and is on 'best buddies' terms with all the coaches. I just tell DC what is happening and ask what treat they'd like afterwards to distract them (usually an ice lolly or something) rather than giving into the 'I don't want to go, it's boring' (what DC really means is that they have to stand in line sometimes and follow the rules). I have said that if DC is unhappy, they can tell the teachers who will call mummy to come and get them - I haven't been called yet and DC always comes out with a big smile so I'm assuming things are going ok. If it was a question of dragging in a kicking, screaming, crying child clinging to me, I'd probably give in at that point.

You have already paid for it and she’s 5.
Just take her.

Your missing my point. You don't need to be stressed to enjoy chilling out. They're not related. Chilling iOS just an absence of stress. It isn't something you only do if you've been stressed. Why can't a child just chill for their holidays even if they've been chilled for the last five years?

Why do they have to be forced into doing something they don't need or want to do?

If you’ve paid for it I’d take her. She will probably enjoy it.
Mine had to do camps as I worked.

Maybe ease back on the swimming a bit? Every day for a little girl seems an awful lot to me. She may be tired ,and just enjoying being at home for a bit .Try with the dance camp and see how she goes .I think activites are a modern thing when I was small, went to my Nans ,played with my friends no thing "booked" as such .They are very busy at School as well .Nice to just "chill"

Mine were lazy and wanted to do nothing. But they didn't need to do nothing and they don't need to do one day of dance club. She can ask again tomorrow and she may well want to go for not having been forced today.

Out of interest, for any PP quoting her age as a reason she has to go, at what age would you say "well she's X age now so I'd listen to her"?

Fully agree with this.
I also don’t quite get all those people saying OP should force her daughter to go no matter what.

As for „if you let her off now you‘ll have to deal with a school refuser in 10 years“ - what kind of relationship will they have in 10 years if she keeps imposing her will on her daughter just to show her who’s in charge?

Of course five year olds don’t get to decide everything, but if my child preferred to stay at home during summer holidays and I didn’t need to send her for work reasons, I would let her stay at home.

I’m surprised people think swimming every day is too much for a 5 year old. I doubt she’s doing one mile of crawl. Probably just splashing round. Hardly exhausting. And if it is she probably needs more exercise, not less.

Tbh unless she's a total fish, it's more the repetitiveness of swimming seven days a week for weeks on end. By the time you're there, undressed in, out, redressed and home it's unlikely you're going for 20 minutes. Tbf it massively depends on how far away it is, what they do etc

Obv if it's ok their private pool and she just chicks dd into a cozy after bfast and let's her play for an hour, it's not quite so onerous 😂

It would be non negotiable for me - she goes, gets waved off with a cheery smile, and if she absolutely hates it then she doesn't have to go again. But you at least give it a try.

With some of the responses on this thread, I'm starting to see why some of my kids' friends are so reluctant to try anything new, and are just content to sit around on their tablets or watching tv all day. If they're never encouraged to try new things, how are they ever going to know if they like them?

OP, by your own admission you're a "homebody" and that's fine. But your DD is five. She doesn't know what she likes yet. Don't default to just staying at home because it's the easy option. Yes, having some down time is important, but if this was her only summer activity other than swimming, I'd have at least make her try.

An all-day activity among strangers is quite a big ask of a 5 yr old.

@trailrunner85

My daughter Irish dances during term time and she also competes which can involve a lot of travelling. Along with brownies and swimming this is the time of year she gets to just really chill out and she loves it.

But what else can you do. Mine had to do all sorts of camps as I worked. I tried to chose a mix so if she hated one it wasn’t 6 weeks of it.
The dance camp was run like school - drop off. Do a a dance class. Break. Do a dance class. Lunch (packed). Do craft. Break. Do a dance class and home. She didn’t know anyone but soon made friends, the girls running it were nice. They were themed and inc a party day and a little show at end. It was fun party dancing not hours of intense training.
Unless she’s been before she’ll have no idea if she likes it unless she tries.

It’s not the power rush at all - I don’t crave such a thing - but it is the assertion.
I think we’re actually close to being on the same page; I do believe that kids should have down time, and I’ve been guilty in the past of shoehorning in piano, karate, athletics, trampolining…
I’d also have let my ones off if they had hated it - but I would not let them think that they had influenced this decision. When they were young, I wouldn’t let them think they had this influence.
Then, at about 11, I started letting them have a bit more autonomy. Piano was dropped, for example. Sneaky days off school once a year or so, when they weren’t actually that ill. But never, ever at their request.
Does that make sense? I suppose I went in hard young and now their autonomous decisions and pushing are reasonable. Not sure if that’s causation or correlation. But I see so many young kids with parents too afraid of conflict to parent, and too many teenagers with appalling disregard for authority that I might have overcompensated! The fact that your DS happily went back to the activity (if I remember the thread post) suggests that your relationship with him is lovely and the autonomy you are giving him is working well 😊

1 week out of 6 doing a dance camp is not unreasonable. It’s hardly going to lead to burnout if the rest of the time is pretty unstructured. 5 year olds are not very good at decision taking which is why parents are in charge. Plus it’s already paid for - I don’t like wasting money because a child “didn’t feel like it” (prepared to admit my lot never want to go out but if you push and shove and chivvy then they end up enjoying themselves).

At 5 though having never been she doesn’t know if she will like it or not. It’s good for them to try new things. She might love it and want weekly lessons. She might not and so next holiday you try her at gymnastics or football camp.
It gives them confidence. When school does dance in pe next year she has some moves or when she goes to rainbows or swimming she sees Katie from dance camp and has a friend.

My 4 year old has to be dragged to every new activity and, once there, has a great time and doesn’t want to come back. Dancing, swimming, visiting her new school, play dates, etc.

I’d make her go the first day and judge from there.

I would absolutely be sending her anyway

Is this for childcare like a holiday club? Or is it run by a drama or dance school? If later I won’t force her. They are quite hardcore and tough work. Most the children that goes are quite into the activity. Maybe try a holiday club with multi sports and craft, drama and other stuff another time? They can pick things to do in those.

I have sent DC1 one to a musical theatre club and she didn’t like it. The girls in there are sing and dance too well for her to keep up.

@partypingu did you send her, did she enjoy it?

I hated these sort of things when I was a child, my mum forced me into it for a few years until she realised I was just hiding in the toilet for most the day to avoid whatever activity I was being forced into. She gave in and finally let me “win” after a few years, didn’t turn me into a school refuser at all, I always had almost perfect attendance, but it sure as hell ruined my relationship with my mum.

20 odd years later and the thought of them still sends shivers down my spine 😂

@SleepingStandingUp
Your missing my point. You don't need to be stressed to enjoy chilling out.

But the op op said they needed to chill out. I was just quoting them.

I don't care if she goes or not. All I've said is that a 5yo shouldn't need to chill out for 6 weeks.

I said she probably needed to chill out although I don't really see why as she's been off school for 3 weeks already with very little organised activity.

I didn't send her. I just couldn't justify upsetting a 5 year old over this. If she had asked for the club or agreed to it previously that would be different but it was my idea.

I will try and get her there tmw on the basis of if she doesn't like it she doesn't have to go back.

Thanks all. I was scared of AIBU but actually there's been a lot of thoughtful and interesting posts.

It has also reassured me that there isn't a right or wrong answer, I just need to judge when to push and when not to and it's hard.

In this case its not the end of the world if she doesn't go.

For completeness - it's dance and drama and very gentle and nurturing. My niece and other friends DDs have done it and enjoyed it. It's not going to be a tough day. But then, for her, being in a new place with new teachers is tough and I get that.