Friend didn't want me to talk to her about my upsetting personal stuff

[Sparklybutold]

Friend staying for the weekend. I experienced an extremely toxic and abusive childhood filled with suicide, murder, severe mental illness, premature death, all forms of abuse, the list goes on. This is a relatively new friendship so we are getting to know each other so naturally stuff about my childhood comes up. Later on in the day when the conversation swayed that way again she commented along the lines how my stories are just so sad - I asked whether she preferred I stopped, she said yes - I did. I was left feeling hurt, confused, invalidated but also kinda empathised. The stories are awful and just so sad, so much so that part of me switches off from them and I struggle to believe they're actually true. Alot of my experiences are also filled with shame and I was silenced so much, so to then be silenced again because it's too much?

This experience makes me question how can I be close with this person if she can't tolerate the not so nice parts of me? Is this reasonable? I couldn't imagine switching someone off like this?

The fact it’s a new friendship is relevant, I think, and you need to be careful not to make her feel as if she’s going to have to adopt the role of an unofficial therapist.
I met up with an old friend last week, and, oh my God. Story after pitiable story - she had somehow over the years morphed into a victim of such epic proportions that I knew I needed to ready my excuses for the next coffee arrangement. I felt as if the fun we used to have was sitting at another table, shaking its head sadly at me as it nursed its own coffee.
Also, I think it’s useful to know that many of us have a lot of shit in our histories. For example, I could cite abuse, suicide, crisis teams, estrangements… but I wouldn’t in a million years lay that shit out in an early friendship! I don’t define myself by it, I know it doesn’t make me unique or interesting, and I know that talking about it freely would be a massive red-flag to a burgeoning friendship. In fact, thinking about it now, I can’t remember the last time I talked about any of it - because it’s simply not that unusual.
I’m not meeting that old friend again - I’m going to slowly evaporate into the ether. Life is too short to spend with this new wave of human who believes that their own MH and exorcising old demons trumps joy. We all have our own shit.

I made a new friend through some volunteer work, we hit it off really well and I was aware she had some trauma from childhood into adulthood. I felt my role in this as her new friend was to cheerlead for her. We went away for a couple of nights and in that time she told me everything that had happened to her. Some of it I could help her with, other parts I am totally I'll equipped to help with. It made me feel it's not a friendship I could develop beyond casual as any deeper conversations would always be framed against her experiences. I've not got the capacity that I might have for a lifelong friend. So I've put some boundaries in place in a way that's not hurtful or blunt, and they are working. She's finally in therapy now too.

I'm sorry for what you've been through OP but I think your expectations of a new friend aren't realistic

It sounds like you've had an awful time and I'm so sorry for that. I understand why you would feel hurt and maybe triggered by your friend asking you to stop but on the other hand maybe you were triggering her? She could also have been through things that she's not yet ready to talk about and hearing your stories could trigger this?

I wouldn't stop a friendship over it, some friends are good to talk deep and personal things with were as others aren't and that's ok, we are all different.

When I was younger I would have provided a sympathetic audience for as long as a new friend wanted to talk their heavy stuff. And did.
Now at 46 I’d change the subject. My free time is precious and I don’t want to establish myself as a sounding board for trauma and sad stuff.

@Sparklybutold

Why did you ask her a direct question if there was only one 'right' answer in your mind?

I wouldn't necessarily assume she is shutting you down because she doesn't want to know.

She might know all too well? Maybe she has been through similar, and doesn't want to visit it right now?

Maybe she didn't feel she could hear it right at that moment without it impacting her own mental health?

She is a person with her own story and feelings, not a receptacle for your feelings.

However I can totally understand that you might not feel this is the friendship for you. I think I might feel the same if someone I felt was a friend didn't want to talk about anything real.

My dm constantly harps on about her childhood. I hate it.
She had a tough time but it’s like a broken record.

If you asked your friend if she wanted you to stop then you must have realised that you told her a lot.
Not everyone can deal with others life experiences. Some people are struggling to deal with their own and you just don’t know it.
Most people are very polite and when you think they are interested in your past they really aren’t.
Since my own dsis, who does have mh issues, told me when I was particularly low that I would never be as ill as she is I say nothing to anyone.

Sorry OP but when folk put messages on fb about how they’re always here to help it’s a crock of virtue signalling shit.

You are being emotionally violated in your own home.

Your DC will be impacted by your distraction and distress from the onslaught of this character.

In addiction you are not doing her any favours by being her emotional dumping ground - in fact you are inadvertently undoing all / any of the work she has done in the preceding therapy session - her job is to process it, reframe it, integrated it internally within herself - but she is by passing that uncomfortable digestion stage and vomiting it all up on you.

Her drinking is problematic and the mindset polluted in this way is ruminating, circular, spirally external blame - totally futile and counterproductive.

You need to sort your boundaries out - no one else would stand for this - if you can’t do it for yourself do it for your DC - or even your “friend”.

Some people find it hard to deal with negativity in life and choose to gloss over unpleasant experiences whether their own or other people’s.

I don’t think they are any hard and fast rules about sharing/not sharing about trauma it’s all entirely situation and personality dependent.

It’s a lot easier to talk about trauma once you’ve dealt with it and it’s easier for other people to cope with if they can see you can; but that’s not to say you shouldn’t talk about it until you’re over it - as questions about the past will inevitably come up and recovery can take years.

For those unlucky enough to have experienced serious illness or injury or indeed handicap from birth - their trauma may be physically present (wheelchair, mobility loss, disfigurement etc) - and discussion of it usually broached at the start of a relationship. It can’t be tidied away. So there’s certainly no rule of - ‘don’t mention the war’.

It’s impossible to know in this case whether the friend had simply heard too much and couldn’t cope, or whether she is the type of personality who shies away from negativity generally.

It’s all about balance: being able to free to be open and honest, but not offloading too much distressing emotion at once onto friends with no training. Equally, it’s important to choose friends wisely who can accept your past and your present.

With all due respect OP I wound have told you to stop too. You need to see a professional therapist to deal with your trauma and learn to respect others boundaries. It must have been incredibly upsetting for your friend to have to listen to you, especially wheh the friendship is relatively new. I would not be surprised if she starts to distance herself going forward. Please see your GP as soon as possible to get a referral. You may be surprised at how quickly you are referred and seen with how serious your childhood trauma and issues were.

I haven't read the whole thread, but a fair few replies. I can understand where the OP is coming from. My childhood, and the trauma it contained, is part of me. I often will talk about my childhood. If I had a happy childhood I assume they would be OK talking about that, but because mine was difficult I need to just nod along in those conversations. I think context is important here. Did the OP just decide to use her friend as a therapist, or was there context where it was relevant. For example, is someone asked "do you remember when you were younger and you would take sweets from your kitchen and share them with friends from your street ?" Am I then required to pretend that is a pleasant memory for me, and not something I had been "harshly punished" for. I say 'harshly punished' as apparently sharing details of your own traumatic experiences, even with friends, is considered unreasonable.

Op, I had a very difficult childhood, and part of my ongoing trauma from that was unloading stories that to me were normal while others were horrified by what they were hearing,
I have had to learn boundaries and learn that unloading my trauma in this way on unsuspecting people is not healthy or fair to them.
there are ways of getting around these tricky questions in the early days of a friendship.

im sorry you went through this and your friends rejection of hearing your hurt is so present with you now.

I'm definitely making the connection between my shame and then anger. Thankyou for sharing this insight.

I don't mind the feedback on aibu. I'm ok with reading all thoughts because it's all impartial. I just didn't think I needed to filter with someone I'm trying to connect with.

This has been a really interesting thread to read, although I have been quite frustrated by some posts that imply that those of us who don't talk about/don't particularly enjoy hearing about trauma "haven't dealt with theirs yet".

I have had awful things happen to me in my childhood. I really don't understand what would be to gain from talking about it. It doesn't define me, it's not part of me, they are shitty things that happened that should never have happened to anyone. Talking about it and forcing others to listen about it won't ever mean they never happened, and I genuinely feel I have nothing to gain from reliving the most horrific moments of my life, let alone force people or like or love to listen to it.

You are right to be angry that it happened to you, I had lots of anger in my teens and dealt with that inappropriately. But taking it out on your friend is unfair. Please try a different therapist or broaden your friendship circle as you may find someone who enjoys being a sounding board there. You are right that your friend's boundaries shouldn't trump yours, but there is little to gain from forcing someone to listen to your trauma if they don't want to/aren't in a place to hear it. I understand that that is upsetting though, just as it is whenever we realise that friendships are incompatible for other personal reasons.

🌸

I'm sorry op but you asked her also if you should stop and and said yes. The point is, you asked and you don't appear to have liked the answer you've been given.

If you feel that in order for someone to know you they have to know everything about you, then that suggests, and I’m trying not to sound like an absolute arsehole, that you’re a little self-absorbed. It’s as if you feel that you are deserving almost of an unconditional interest in your past. Only my husband is deserving of that level of interest from me, so that I can find out what makes him fucking tick sometimes.

so naturally stuff about my childhood comes up

But that doesn't mean that you have to tell someone everything about it or that they they have to know everything to be a friend.

My friends don't know everything about me.

That's not unusual is it?

I hadn't thought about this societal pecking order on how we speak and consequently respond to trauma. Lots for me to ponder here - thankyou

i have been good friends with a woman for 15 years - we have holidayed together, I’m a godmother to her son, etc etc.

i think she mentioned early on that she wasn’t really in contact with her parents, and then at some point and were talking about parenting she said that her parents “weren’t great” and she’d had therapy, to make sure she didn’t repeat any bad patterns. Last year she told me her dad was abusive and had been sent to prison.

that’s it.

that’s all I know about her background. I honestly don’t think I need to know anything more to know who she is now, what matters to her, how she feels about the world.

if she started to tell me details or specific events I would be very uncomfortable with that. That’s not being unsupportive (or trying to silence or invalidate her), that’s just my own reaction to hearing details about that kind of thing and honestly I’m allowed to have my own boundaries.

So if you especially want friends who will listen to all the details, however unpleasant, then that’s your prerogative. My own experience is that some of those people have a kind of voyeuristic prurient interest in things that can actually be weird and unpleasant.

but don’t assume that people have to listen to it all in order to know you or be your friend.

I made a new friend within the past 5 years (I'm in my 50s) and really liked her so much. But on maybe our second or third "date" I suddenly found myself counselling her through a current very distressing situation she was going through and I honestly thought "Bloody hell, this isn't what I signed up for. Why isn't she talking to her partner about this or one of her numerous older friends". I felt slightly shocked, tbh, I'd gone round for lunch and then there she was almost in tears, threatening to do something reckless (not suicide but to do with throwing away something she'd been working on for years) and I found it overwhelming. I felt if I didn't say the right thing she might do something she'd really regret. I haven't really seen her since, haven't reciprocated that lunch invitation ... just let it go. I have enough needy closer friends and relatives to listen to, I don't need to be someone else's sounding board.

That could be me being a hard ol' bitch, or just being sensible about what I can deal with myself.

People who say other people’s problems are too upsetting for them - that’s a them problem. It’s not my job or your job to moderate my life story to keep others happy

That comes across as very selfish and inconsiderate. It's not always appropriate to traumatic share life stories - it's not about keeping others happy, it's about considering the situation. I think therapy is the suitable place to discuss trauma, not dumping on a new friend who is in your house as a guest.

As I've said, I say this as someone with an awful past. But having past trauma does not give you a free pass to automatically discuss it with whoever, and you definitely can't expect them to not be affected by it!

It can traumatise some people just hearing about harrowing stories. Why would you want a friend to feel bad? Just focus on having a good time and not re-living your personal pain.

I have real sympathy for OP.

But part of having a new friend and successfully building the friendship is really sounding out and getting to the bottom of what the other person wants out of the friendship both in the short term and (if successful) on a longer term basis.

That is a mutual thing by the way, so she has as much responsibilty to respectfully find that out about you as you have that responsibility to find that out about her.

If she was coming at this meeting up as a chance to have some really lighthearted fun, where instead you consider the whole point of friendships as an opportunity to be really open and honest, then maybe you are just not compatible and that is no criticism of you nor do I think she was deliberately shutting you down.

You also have to bear in mind that different people what to go at different paces when it comes to friendships and it might have been the case that what you were trying to say would have been ok with her if you had been say 6 months or 12 months into the friendship, but at such early days it felt like too much too soon to her. Again no one is particularly at fault.

I was one of the people that you may have and thought I was implying that. I personally don't think that but it seems to be general consensus, that if you can talk openly and with ease about something you have come to terms with it. I think that's true but I don't think the opposite implies you haven't.

I mentioned it to try and give credit to the side of the debate that feel potentially triggering somebody outweighs other factors.

Your new friend made you feel that old sensation of shame,

Did she though?

Or is that how Op perceived it?