How often would you see her?

[Booyakkasha]

Sil due to come visit in a few weeks, for a week. They’re not staying with us, but in a hotel 25 minutes away (we live abroad)
They want to see Dd, which I understand. How often would you see them/meet up/have them over?
It’s also dh’s two week break and I really didn’t imagine spending it with them lots.
Bit of background..I’m not keen on her, she’s a v strong personality. I was v intimidated by her when younger, I’m not now.
She’s stayed with us before and bitched about me (doesn’t know I heard) and left her stuff messily all over the place etc etc.
There’s always lots of drama in his side of the family and we try not to get involved..,she falls out with their other brother and her own mum, they’re the type that post drama on Fb, I hate it 🙈
Know I have to be polite etc, but how would you do visits/meet ups?

I actually feel v anxious thinking about it all

Ask her? She might not want to spend loads of time with you guys either, if she did surely they would have booked a place a lot nearer? Message her something like: What are your plans for your holiday next week? Just trying to organise our own time and don't want to make plans that clash with yours. It would be great to have you over for dinner one night too xxx

@edenhills I think they booked a little further out as it’s more expensive closer to us

What I fail to understand on mumsnet, which usually can be quite empowering, why when it comes to in-laws people revert to this antiquated sense of duty. Posters describe experiencing hostility or rudeness but are expected to “suck it up” and tolerate it and facilitate visits for these people who won’t even show the courtesy of waiting until they are no longer enjoying your hospitality to start bitching.

Why are you micromanaging - in advance! - how many times your DH can see his own sister? Does he have a phone, hands, & a voice? Yes? Leave it up to him then.

What excuse could I make
Why make an excuse? This is your husband FFS. Why can you not just be upfront & factual?
"I won't join you on this one love, I've booked a haircut/swim/library visit/whatever."
"Happy to see her a couple of times with you, but you know she dislikes me so I'll leave most of the social to you."

I just wanted our holiday to be for us
Of course you did, it's understandable. But SiL is coming anyway, so it's too late to object, & it's up to her & DH how much time they spend together, not you. You'll just have to suck it up, & enjoy the free time you'll have when DH is visiting with SiL with DD.

If DD is such a handful that her own father cannot manage her without a Support Adult to call on, she either needs intensive therapy or ...
... her dad needs to stop being such a wet fucking blanket & start parenting his child.

There is no reason you need to accompany DH to hold his hand. Go a couple of times for form's sake, but don't worry about it beyond that. You & SiL don't like each other, DH cannot expect you to pretend her bitching about you didn't happen, & he can't expect you to give up your free time to pander to her.
Tell him to grow the fuck up & take his daughter out with her aunt. Without you.

@KettrickenSmiled He doesn’t know she bitched and doesn’t see all the things I’ve seen. I’ve never said as don’t want to be seen as the bad guy, we live abroad so I’d rather not bring it up and have any hassle or be seen as me being the one causing problems, so I just try to stay out of it.
I agree he should take her on his own though if he wants to! It will probably be seen as me not making effort though as he spends everyday with my parents when they come over (they stay in our house though, so that’s unavoidable)

@KettrickenSmiled I’m not trying to micro manage how often they see each other, i don’t want to be part of it…to be honest I don’t want Dd there out everyday at the moment anyway, plus this is also supposed to be *Our holiday too.
She’s caused a lot of trouble before, is a very dominant agressive force, think she rules the family and can decide what they all do and all should be doing etc. I’m a fairly calm, quiet person and was v intimidated by her when younger and always tried my best…now I have my Dd, I’m not having her treating me the same way around Dd.

@KettrickenSmiled Also if I say she dislikes me, he’ll say she doesn’t etc and it will be like *I’m the one causing trouble/issues…I have to think of a simpler excuse

You need to talk to DH then, Of course he is going to minimise (it's easier than understanding & empathising) when he doesn't have access to the facts.

He doesn’t know she bitched and doesn’t see all the things I’ve seen. I’ve never said as don’t want to be seen as the bad guy, we live abroad so I’d rather not bring it up and have any hassle or be seen as me being the one causing problems, so I just try to stay out of it.

You need to tell him this. Explain why you don't want to spend time around his sister, & don't want DD under her influence. What is stopping you from communicating openly with DH about this?

Op you are clearly over thinking this. She doesn't like you put simply. Why will she want you in all of the meet ups? You say yourself she wants to see dd. So let your dh - her db - facilitate that. Dd may be a handful but she is with her df..
Enjoy the break imo.

I have to think of a simpler excuse

It's hard to read that you are having to invent stuff rather than have a straight talk with your own husband. Is this because he has form for not hearing you?
It's very evident from your updates that you fear being cast as the bad guy for voicing your reasonable objections, & you are also dealing with anxiety about the prospect of SiL's presence.

You shouldn't need to make excuses: you should be able to tell your own H what's up.

@Creepymanonagoatfarm That would be ideal, but what to say to Dh as to why I don’t want to go, without causing trouble/hassle and looking like I’m not making an effort?

@KettrickenSmiled I know, if we lived closer and this was a regular occurrence I would say about it. As it is we rarely see them and I don’t want negative feelings, sil is very strong and scary too!

After however many years she still isn't your 'friend'.. That won't change. Just tell dh it's great he gets to see his dsis but they will have a better time of you aren't there an it's fine you don't mind. List a few important things you can be doing in the meanwhile!

How long have you been struggling with the notion that your feelings are not as valid as your husband's, & will be dismissed?

@KettrickenSmiled Ive not, but he spends time with my family and makes the effort with them, it’ll be seen as me not doing that, everyone else making the effort, even sil…and then I’m the bad guy

Thing is that unless you marry an only child orphan then in laws are part of the deal. I say suck it up and keep everyone happy.

Because you have never told him that his family (SiL) treats you differently to how your family treats him.

There is no way out of your situation without doing that.
If you are unable to tell DH the facts of the matter, because you feel he will cast you as the bad guy - you have far bigger problems than a spiteful SiL.
I can't help feeling that this is why you are anxious, avoiding, & hoping PP will come up with some cast iron excuses - rather than simply telling the truth, & letting the cards fall where they will.