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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How often would you see her?

94 replies

Booyakkasha · 07/08/2022 21:46

Sil due to come visit in a few weeks, for a week. They’re not staying with us, but in a hotel 25 minutes away (we live abroad)
They want to see Dd, which I understand. How often would you see them/meet up/have them over?
It’s also dh’s two week break and I really didn’t imagine spending it with them lots.
Bit of background..I’m not keen on her, she’s a v strong personality. I was v intimidated by her when younger, I’m not now.
She’s stayed with us before and bitched about me (doesn’t know I heard) and left her stuff messily all over the place etc etc.
There’s always lots of drama in his side of the family and we try not to get involved..,she falls out with their other brother and her own mum, they’re the type that post drama on Fb, I hate it 🙈
Know I have to be polite etc, but how would you do visits/meet ups?

OP posts:
user656709 · 08/08/2022 00:25

So many of you saying “god a week won’t kill you” “it’s just a week ffs”

how do you like spending money you don’t have, during the short time off you have, to spend time with people you don’t like/don’t want to spend time with - and neither does your DH - and who are rude towards you?

what is the matter with you?

Original poster
Booyakkasha · 08/08/2022 00:30

@user656709 I did wonder this too 😅

OP posts:
user656709 · 08/08/2022 00:31

Booyakkasha · 07/08/2022 22:35

@mycatisannoying Would be fine with them
at ours once and us driving to them/spending money etc once.
If you’d been through the same…hosted her for a week, always been welcoming etc and she basically bitched where you could hear her, whilst being a guest at someone’s house, left it an utter state, didn’t help with anything and got bought lunches out…would you want to see that person every day?

@Booyakkasha
I wouldn’t want to see this person again, imagine every day!
you are absolutely right not to want to spend your time, energy or money with someone who doesn’t respect you. Being your DD’s aunt does not give someone automatic and unwavering rights to see her.

Original poster
Booyakkasha · 08/08/2022 00:35

@user656709 I know 😞
But I can’t stop her seeing Dd and wouldn’t…but..I’m different now and wouldn’t put up with any bull or bitching being done about me with Dd around

OP posts:
bert3400 · 08/08/2022 00:38

I would invite them over for dinner one night and then have a day out with them. I would take a picnic for your family and explain, you can't really afford to eat out atm. That seems plenty of time to spend with someone who was rude and disrespectful in your home .

Original poster
Booyakkasha · 08/08/2022 00:42

@bert3400 100% I think two days is my personal limit…I have a feeling more is expected..I just won’t go then

OP posts:
IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 08/08/2022 00:56

I genuinely think people have become so intolerant

cocktailclub · 08/08/2022 06:01

SIL has travelled to see her family. I think you're being unfair. As others have said see her twice but don't stop dd (her niece) and DH (her brother) from seeing her everyday if they want to. Try and have some empathy and imagine if you were in her shoes and it was your family.

GreenManalishi · 08/08/2022 06:18

See her once, either invite her over or meet out somewhere early in the week. Then you're off the hook, and it's up to DH to make his own arrangements.

Ponoka7 · 08/08/2022 08:03

"Didn’t really want to spend his time off seeing others though, just wanted some family time"

Has he said that? She is family, to him and your DD. It'd would be quite normal for you to bow out of a meetup and your DH take your DD. Tell her that you don't appreciate any badmouthing and challenge any comments. Make this a new beginning.

Mally100 · 08/08/2022 08:16

I would invite them over for a mid week dinner so they know they are going to see you soon. so the first half of the week will feel too soon to come visit, and then after seeing you they might want feel for the second half they have just seen you.

CatSeany · 08/08/2022 08:32

I think it depends why she's visiting. If her principal reason is to spend time with you all, then you should probably aim to see her several times, although most of those could just be your partner. If she's come for a holiday and is keen to meet up because you happen to live nearby, then once but for most of the day.

justmaybenot · 08/08/2022 08:36

Mally100 · 08/08/2022 08:16

I would invite them over for a mid week dinner so they know they are going to see you soon. so the first half of the week will feel too soon to come visit, and then after seeing you they might want feel for the second half they have just seen you.

This sounds like good advice - you can take the initiative and invite them over, and also manage expectations by saying that you're quite busy that week but would love them to come over on x day. Then let her and your DH organise whatever else - once more with you maybe, and once by themselves

Original poster
Booyakkasha · 08/08/2022 08:46

@Ponoka7 He’s said he doesn’t want to see her everyday, she’s a very full on person. She actually thinks he’s working as he only just found out he has to take that week off

OP posts:
Original poster
Booyakkasha · 08/08/2022 08:48

@cocktailclub He said he doesn’t want to see her everyday…she causes a lot of trouble at times. There’s no need for Dd to see her everyday for a full week surely

OP posts:
TeenDivided · 08/08/2022 08:49

Twice. Once she comes to you, and once you go to her and do an activity.

Original poster
Booyakkasha · 08/08/2022 08:50

@Mally100 @justmaybenot I was thinking of similar…a meet up a two or three days after they arrive, to let them settle in and then that leaves just half the week

OP posts:
drawacircleroundit · 08/08/2022 08:52

I’d do meet-ups somewhere other than my home so I can control our leaving time. Have a string of excuses ready - you need to put the lamb in (the oven), you need to tidy the house ready for tomorrow’s [insert excuse here], you’ll let them get on with their day…
Can you be open with your DH about this?

Original poster
Booyakkasha · 08/08/2022 08:56

@TeenDivided That was my idea…but I imagine she’ll have an issue with that…

OP posts:
maslinpan · 08/08/2022 08:59

You are no longer intimidated by her, great. Your DH doesn't want to see her much either, so you are both in a good position to agree to stand up to her if she is obnoxious and rude again. Give her a chance to see you all, but if she is behaving badly then say that you won't spend further time with her if she carries on like that.

Original poster
Booyakkasha · 08/08/2022 08:59

@drawacircleroundit That's true as they may stay all day if invited over…our Dd hasn’t been too well for quite a few months now (tummy problems) so we haven’t actually been meeting up/seeing people for longer than an hour or two anyway, as she tends to get tired and have challenging behaviour..she’s a child who gets overwhelmed easily too and sil is a very loud, dominant person
I thought of maybe inviting them for an earlier bbq dinner, say 4/5, then Dd will have to go to bed 7/8 ish

OP posts:
whatstheteamarie · 08/08/2022 09:02

So many people on here clearly don't have a family member that openly dislikes them.

Spending time with someone who doesn't like you is awful; especially for your mental health, don't put yourself through it.

You didn't marry your SIL, you married your DH.

One meet up with DH, DD and you is fine. That's your duty tick box done.

Any other time that your DH wants to see her during that week he can do, with DD on his own (he's a parent too and needs to learn how to deal with his daughter's difficult stages).

If DH would rather spend his time with you, that's up to him. It's really not your problem.

If SIL asks why you're not at the meet-ups, your DH can be honest and explain that you overheard the things she said about you, know she doesn't like you so you're staying away for her benefit.

justfiveminutes · 08/08/2022 09:03

I think they've gone to the trouble of visiting you in another country, and the expense of booking a hotel so that they are not an imposition on you, so you must be welcoming.

But if they don't know that your dh has the week off, they can't be expecting to see you all every day.

I think I would invite them for dinner one evening at the very beginning of the holiday, and make plans to see them 2-3 more times elsewhere.

I don't think you can complain about them being 25 mins away - that's not far at all, and at least they didn't ask to stay with you.

Original poster
Booyakkasha · 08/08/2022 09:07

@justfiveminutes It’s an hour round trip everyday, which is a lot petrol wise and with a young Dd though 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Booyakkasha · 08/08/2022 09:08

@whatstheteamarie I agree with you that he could go on his own after the first meet up…I don’t want to be the one who’s seen as the *Trouble causer though and say to him what she said/why I don’t want to go and potentially ruin things..I need an excuse

OP posts: