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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it OK to refuse a gift?

65 replies

MeerCat11 · 07/08/2022 21:43

Hello, and thanks to any soul giving me advice on this: my husband and I are from different countries, which means our family issues oftentimes are complicated by cultural differences. We met in his country, decided to live for a few years in my country and after some time we agreed life will be easier if we stayed in his home country.

During the years when we lived in my country and lived close to my family, we (better said I) were learning how to set boundaries and I oftentimes failed. So I know how is his position now difficult.

Part of it was my birthday celebrations with extended family. After the last one, I told my husband I want no extended family party ever. That means him and me for sure, maybe friends for a couple of drinks, but otherwise, I want my birthday to come and pass without significant notice. I work a high-stress job, being an immigrant is anything but fun and I really would like to limit drama of any kind. My husband and mother-in-law's birthday was last month. When MIL started to count who has a birthday next and came to mine, I chimed in I am not going to celebrate mine. She laughed.

Now, I do not have a good relationship with MIL, but I am working hard to keep it neutral. We are two very different women, some of her traits are clashing with my values. I believe I am not her favorite daughter-in-law either, but we still see each other on weekly basis and manage to be civilized around each other.

Well, now the birthday is coming and she is asking my husband what I want for a birthday gift. He is really trying, however, she does not take no for the answer. Her stance is, that she likes to give gifts and she will give me one no matter what. He warned her that I am serious and I will reject the gift since I said I want nothing and I would feel very disrespected.

I did research the topic of rejecting a gift and seems that it is actually not the thing polite people do. None of the topics though take into account the possibility of a no-gift policy, so would I be unreasonable, if I was given something and would politely decline it?

I know getting a gift is not the end of the world, but I would love, for once, to see through with having the boundaries finally up and functioning. It starts with a gift here, a little thing there, and then we are back to the family drama, right (or AIBU)?

Once again, thank you for reading and for your opinions!

OP posts:

Thelnebriati · 07/08/2022 21:49

YANBU but its pointless going head to head with her. Don't bother trying to set boundaries with abusive people, you just give them an opportunity to break them.

Instead, graciously embrace the idea of receiving a gift and ask for a donation to your favourite charity. That way she can't disrespect you without it being obvious that is what she is doing. She can't dress it up and pretend its anything other than disrespect.

Ihearticecream · 07/08/2022 21:55

It is highly rude to reject a gift. No matter what just smile and say thank you.
I think a donation to a charity is a great idea! That way it’s not for you per say and is doing good and she gets to give a gift!
I would be firm with this - this is the most you want. If anyone starts going on about big family events - just don’t go! Don’t turn up! Have other plans.
Have the charitable gift as your boundary.

NoseyNellie · 07/08/2022 21:57

Flowers, ask for flowers or something else consumable.

Gifts should be given without obligation and received without guilt but I 100% appreciate that if the first of these conditions is not met then it is hard for the second to be upheld.

Asking someone not to buy you a gift is not rude and as you say is setting some kind of boundary but as she is likely to ignore it you run the risk of her bringing you something and then you possibly refusing the gift, which is rude… sigh it is complicated

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 07/08/2022 21:59

YABU It would be rude to reject a gift.

She's asked what you want - just ask for something cheap that you will use (for example, some nice bar soap, a bottle of your favourite bubble bath, a specific book, some flowers) and say thank you nicely when you are given it.

godmum56 · 07/08/2022 21:59

I don't think that you are being really unreasonable but is this the hill to die on? I'd deffo say no party no fuss and be firm about that and love the charitable donation idea because then she looks like the dick if she refuses.

BotterMon · 07/08/2022 21:59

Ask for the money to put towards your favourite charity? TBH you do come across as being rather hard work. Sometimes being gracious can solve a lot of issues.

Needmorelego · 07/08/2022 22:05

What type of things do you buy yourself as treats/interests/hobbies? Just say you'd like something that you might go and buy anyway. Surely just saying "ooh I be really want to read the latest Sophie Kinsella book so I'd love a copy of that please" is easier than making this big complicated song and dance about refusing a gift.

Original poster

MeerCat11 · 07/08/2022 22:06

Thanks all! Actually, I do like the idea of charity. I got absorbed in focusing on getting what I did ask for. But I agree with most of you, this gives me peace of mind being able to say thank you, without hating on myself for not following through with what I wanted.

OP posts:

Youdoyoutoday · 07/08/2022 22:06

I think you're being extra awkward for the sake of it especially as you've googled it!

You could just say something you'd actually use like a nice bath/shower gel/soap gift set for example or even vouchers.

Is this really the hill you want to die on?

unfortunateevents · 07/08/2022 22:06

I work a high-stress job, being an immigrant is anything but fun and I really would like to limit drama of any kind.
You are entitled to celebrate (or not) your birthday in any way you want but I'm not sure what this statement means? Why does marking your birthday have to lead to drama? Also, surely your MIL can give you a gift without it leading to a party? Until she died, my MIL always gave me a birthday present - I thanked her, if it was at the weekend we might have a family coffee and cake but I don't think she ever expected it to lead to a party?

And yes, under these circumstances I think it would be horribly rude to refuse her gift.

Yeezytiger · 07/08/2022 22:09

Its a bit mean to be honest

Dotcheck · 07/08/2022 22:19

What on earth does being an immigrant have to do with accepting a gift?

If you don’t want a party, obviously that’s your choice, but you can’t determine if other people choose to acknowledge it. It is not evil to acknowledge someone’s birthday.

Honestly OP, I think you’re making this harder than it needs to be. Surely there’s a middle ground- there must be something you will use that she can get you- book vouchers, odeon tickets, National Trust membership- I’m sure there’s something

Original poster

MeerCat11 · 07/08/2022 22:19

Well, to clarify: Yes I do work a high-stress job, which does mean I am avoiding drama whenever I can. Unfortunately, more frequently than not, my birthdays in the past couple of years were rather unfortunate. I understand if someone can have a normal birthday, it is rather weird to them. I do not apologize for my decision, I believe in freedom of choice for everyone.

That is why I was confused about the culture where if I state: I do not want XY, there will be someone coming and forcing XY on me. Makes no sense.

OP posts:

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/08/2022 22:37

YABU. I think refusing to hold a party or a fuss is one thing but refusing a gift is unnecessarily mean.

What's the worst that can happen? You get given something you don't much like. You either suck it up and find a use for it or you discreetly chuck or recycle it. I fail to see how accepting a gift equate to "drama".

Lottie2shoes · 07/08/2022 22:44

Yes. I believe it would be very rude to decline a gift. She is showing appreciation for you by including you in the birthday gift list and wants to do something nice for you.

If you decline the gift, it would mean that you do not want to know.
Personally unless there is a dripfeed, she seems like a nice MIL. Probably feels it is harder for you in his home country and so is including you to make you feel welcome.
I would definitely take this as a good gesture and just accept graciously.

Original poster

MeerCat11 · 07/08/2022 22:45

I think I thought being justified in getting what I want for my birthday, which is nothing? I don't know, I do not do to other people something they expressly say they do not want to be done to, so this is very foreign to me. But knowing that I am obliged to accept stuff no matter what, I will ask for charity donations and at least something good can come out from this.

OP posts:

JennyForeigner · 07/08/2022 22:48

The charity donation is an excellent idea. That said, you have explained why you don't want a fuss here very clearly - it isn't just the gift but the wider focus on a birthday you prefer not to mark. That's a reasonable position and people should respect your wishes.

Seainasive · 07/08/2022 22:53

I disagree with some of the other posters. If she actually cared, she would respect your wish not to have your birthday marked in any way.

As a result of something bad happening, my sister much prefers us not to mark the day and we respect that because we love her.

ladydimitrescu · 07/08/2022 22:54

I think you're being deliberately difficult tbh.
Being an immigrant has absolutely nothing to do with refusing a gift. Working a stressful job has nothing to do with refusing a gift.
It costs you nothing and causes you no problems to smile and say thank you. That's literally all you need to do. You don't have to have a big celebration. But why would you want to possibly upset and embarrass your MIL when she's just trying to be nice? I really don't get it. You're creating a problem where there isn't one.

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/08/2022 22:56

@MeerCat11

I mean you're right, technically, that your right not to be given a gift should be respected.

But life just isn't like that its an unnecessarily inflammatory and hard line stance to take if she is hell bent on giving one and will be taken as snub. Given that its no skin of your nose just to take it in good grace you should just take it.

Life if full of little diplomacies like this. We wouldn't be able to get anything done if we insisted on absolute honesty in every area of our lives.

cansu · 07/08/2022 22:59

Rejecting this gift is all about making a point. It is to me daft to cause upset to score a point. It is hardly surprising you have problems with your MIL. Just accept it and say thank you and then do whatever you want with it.

cansu · 07/08/2022 23:01

You are actually creating drama not avoiding it!

MercuryOnTheRise · 07/08/2022 23:01

I'd like a nice L'Occitane lemon verbena shower gel please MIL.

SallyWD · 07/08/2022 23:04

You're her daughter in law and it would be very rude to reject a gift. For goodness sake, can't you think of anything? Cinema vouchers, a book, a voucher for a shop. You say you want to avoid drama but you'd be needlessly creating drama if you refuse a gift.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 07/08/2022 23:08

Just accept the gift politely and without drama.., Then do whatever you want with it
It's not worth turning it into a family feud

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