Is it OK to refuse a gift?

[MeerCat11]

Hello, and thanks to any soul giving me advice on this: my husband and I are from different countries, which means our family issues oftentimes are complicated by cultural differences. We met in his country, decided to live for a few years in my country and after some time we agreed life will be easier if we stayed in his home country.

During the years when we lived in my country and lived close to my family, we (better said I) were learning how to set boundaries and I oftentimes failed. So I know how is his position now difficult.

Part of it was my birthday celebrations with extended family. After the last one, I told my husband I want no extended family party ever. That means him and me for sure, maybe friends for a couple of drinks, but otherwise, I want my birthday to come and pass without significant notice. I work a high-stress job, being an immigrant is anything but fun and I really would like to limit drama of any kind. My husband and mother-in-law's birthday was last month. When MIL started to count who has a birthday next and came to mine, I chimed in I am not going to celebrate mine. She laughed.

Now, I do not have a good relationship with MIL, but I am working hard to keep it neutral. We are two very different women, some of her traits are clashing with my values. I believe I am not her favorite daughter-in-law either, but we still see each other on weekly basis and manage to be civilized around each other.

Well, now the birthday is coming and she is asking my husband what I want for a birthday gift. He is really trying, however, she does not take no for the answer. Her stance is, that she likes to give gifts and she will give me one no matter what. He warned her that I am serious and I will reject the gift since I said I want nothing and I would feel very disrespected.

I did research the topic of rejecting a gift and seems that it is actually not the thing polite people do. None of the topics though take into account the possibility of a no-gift policy, so would I be unreasonable, if I was given something and would politely decline it?

I know getting a gift is not the end of the world, but I would love, for once, to see through with having the boundaries finally up and functioning. It starts with a gift here, a little thing there, and then we are back to the family drama, right (or AIBU)?

Once again, thank you for reading and for your opinions!

For someone who hates drama, you certainly seem to like making it.

Yes, it's rude to refuse a gift. It won't hurt you in any way to smile and say "thank you MIL, that's lovely", will it?

She’s asking what you might want which is a good start- I think the charity thing is a little odd; maybe don’t say that- is there a book you would like, a lipstick, a perfume? Just give your husband suggestions for his mum

Wow. Just accept the gift graciously like a normal person

You don't have to have a party but a mil not giving a Dil a gift would be awful be grateful

The one year MIL misses her birthday will be the year the OP complains that she didn't get a gift........

Why didn't you post that you don't want people to waste money on you & ask how to do it graciously without the back story of an immigrant, values & high stress job. This isn't a culture clash issue, this is you creating drame where there doesn't need to be one.

You're giving her too much power.
Graciously accept the gift and then donate it to charity the next day.

It’s the height of rudeness to reject a gift. Don’t do it if you want to continue to have a civil relationship

I also find it hard to believe you work a stressful high powered job and yet cannot see that you cannot control everyone else's actions, only your reaction to them.
Let her buy you something, your power comes in how you deal with it next - off to the charity shop or a food bank or a women's shelter it goes?

What everyone else said. If you don't want drama, then don't create it.

I really have no idea what being an immigrant or having a stressful job really has to do with any of this. You keep saying you want to avoid drama, while clearly creating and stirring up situations which cause drama.
You see your MIL weekly, it is a cultural norm (for many cultures) for her to buy her son’s husband a birthday gift.
Just say thank you and move on with your day. Literally no drama involved.

Never look a gift horse in the mouth. i really wouldn’t make this your boundary unless you don’t want to communicate with her at all anymore. Accept the gift, donate it but try to be gracious here.

i understand that you may feel disrespected as she is not accepting your wishes but this time s not the hill to die on. 💐

I think the op likes to think that they're is extra special by not celebrating her birthday like the rest of us plebs. She goes to great lengths to explain her situation, culture clash, values etc as if nobody else has every experienced it.

I cam see why you are not the favourite daughter in law. Bloidy gell.

Just accept the gift and stop being so dramatic.

With gifts, they decide what to offer and you decide what to do with it.
I would ask for money ie a tenner as it's the least tricky thing. Or failing that a gift card for a supermarket you go to.

If she gives you something for you, as in not food that could be shared or flowers, then thank her for the gift, hang on to it for a week or so and either return it to the shop or donate it to a charity shop.
If she asks what you want, tell her that you're asking everyone to donate to a chosen charity in your name and you would really like her to donate there as you have all that you need or want at the moment.
Both are acceptable ways to deal with a pushy MiL when you've said you don't want any fuss.