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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it OK to refuse a gift?

65 replies

MeerCat11 · 07/08/2022 21:43

Hello, and thanks to any soul giving me advice on this: my husband and I are from different countries, which means our family issues oftentimes are complicated by cultural differences. We met in his country, decided to live for a few years in my country and after some time we agreed life will be easier if we stayed in his home country.

During the years when we lived in my country and lived close to my family, we (better said I) were learning how to set boundaries and I oftentimes failed. So I know how is his position now difficult.

Part of it was my birthday celebrations with extended family. After the last one, I told my husband I want no extended family party ever. That means him and me for sure, maybe friends for a couple of drinks, but otherwise, I want my birthday to come and pass without significant notice. I work a high-stress job, being an immigrant is anything but fun and I really would like to limit drama of any kind. My husband and mother-in-law's birthday was last month. When MIL started to count who has a birthday next and came to mine, I chimed in I am not going to celebrate mine. She laughed.

Now, I do not have a good relationship with MIL, but I am working hard to keep it neutral. We are two very different women, some of her traits are clashing with my values. I believe I am not her favorite daughter-in-law either, but we still see each other on weekly basis and manage to be civilized around each other.

Well, now the birthday is coming and she is asking my husband what I want for a birthday gift. He is really trying, however, she does not take no for the answer. Her stance is, that she likes to give gifts and she will give me one no matter what. He warned her that I am serious and I will reject the gift since I said I want nothing and I would feel very disrespected.

I did research the topic of rejecting a gift and seems that it is actually not the thing polite people do. None of the topics though take into account the possibility of a no-gift policy, so would I be unreasonable, if I was given something and would politely decline it?

I know getting a gift is not the end of the world, but I would love, for once, to see through with having the boundaries finally up and functioning. It starts with a gift here, a little thing there, and then we are back to the family drama, right (or AIBU)?

Once again, thank you for reading and for your opinions!

OP posts:
RyanYESorNO · 07/08/2022 23:08

I thought you were going to say that they were insisting on throwing you a party, but all they want to do is give you a gift.

Just give a few cheap, simple suggestions that you'd genuinely like. A plant, a book, a favourite drink or chocolate brand, hand cream, voucher for somewhere you use: shop, salon, garden centre.

Say thank you and carry on with your life. It's really that simple

easyday · 07/08/2022 23:10

Getting you a gift is surely ok - it's not like she's trying to throw you a party? She will be very insulted and take it as a rejection of her as a person. Accept the gift!

TwinkleToesStrikesAgain · 07/08/2022 23:11

These kinds of gift are not about the recipient but the giver. The purpose of the gift is to make the giver feel good. Take the gift, put it in a drawer and forget about it.

Definitely worth continuing to educate that you don't want the gift, but alas these things aren't simple. Believe me. Years of gifts I've then had to get rid of - I don't want stuff but that doesn't stop it....

blisstwins · 07/08/2022 23:12

MeerCat11 · 07/08/2022 22:45

I think I thought being justified in getting what I want for my birthday, which is nothing? I don't know, I do not do to other people something they expressly say they do not want to be done to, so this is very foreign to me. But knowing that I am obliged to accept stuff no matter what, I will ask for charity donations and at least something good can come out from this.

You know in culture there are norms. You Google and has e had many now tell you that rejecting a gift would be creating drama. It this culture it very normal to give birthday gifts to close relatives and she is trying to be nice. If you have an issue with her and want to bring it to a head find something else, because most people will think it is terribly rude to decline a birthday gift from your mother in law. If your goal is not drama politely accept the gift and do with it what you will. There is a big difference between something like this and a party it other boundaries.

Onandupw · 07/08/2022 23:14

Unless the gift comes with conditions I really really do t think thisjis the place to put down a boundary.

unnecessarily rude

LetHimHaveIt · 07/08/2022 23:22

'I really would like to limit drama of any kind'

If this is really true, I'd suggest you start and end with - not refusing a gift from your MiL 🙄

sunflowerdaisyrose · 07/08/2022 23:22

You are definitely the one causing the drama here.

Original poster
MeerCat11 · 07/08/2022 23:28

Well, I really do not want drama and that is why I am asking instead of doing it! I also get the part of me being a diplomat and just taking what comes, I am afraid she will not accept charity as a solution. At last, I am still puzzled over the fact, that I would never say a half word against her wants and wishes, though I might silently have my reservations. I do not see why I cannot get the same, at least once a year.

OP posts:
Society · 07/08/2022 23:28

Extremely rude and petty. And 100% would create the drama that you say you want to avoid. Just accept the gift graciously, re gift or bin if it's that offensive that your MIL gets you a gift.

KumquatQuince · 07/08/2022 23:45

It’s very rude to reject a gift, please don’t do that. But if she asks what you want say sweetly: “MIL, since I married your son and was accepted into your family, I have everything my heart desires. I’d love nothing more than to make others happy, so please get an Oxfam donkey (or whatever) in my name.”

Summerfun54321 · 07/08/2022 23:49

Either suggest something (hand soap and hand cream to shove in a bathroom), or just see what she gets you and run it straight to the local charity shop after you’ve thanked her for such a wonderful gift! Don’t refuse gifts or insist someone who gives gifts can’t. Gift giving is a love language, it may not be yours but it may be the only way your MIL knows how to communicate affection.

HeddaGarbled · 07/08/2022 23:49

I do not see why I cannot get the same, at least once a year

I’m sure that you do get what you want regularly. That’s the sort of thing a drama queen would say.

You’ve made this into a battle when you could have just asked for a gift that would bring you pleasure and then you would all have been happy.

I’d ask for a book token, myself.

frazzledasarock · 07/08/2022 23:51

of she’s not going to take nothing for an answer. You can ask for;
a book
flowers
socks
chocolates
tea/coffee/bottle of your favourite drink
small weird and wonderful kitchen gadget

Its my go to. I don’t want or need expensive big things but love all of the above and it’s my reply to family who get excited about my birthday/Christmas. It makes them happy too and isn’t going to break the bank, job done.

Redglitter · 07/08/2022 23:52

You're making this into something un necessarily. Just accept a present. Shes asked what to get you so pick something you'll use - perfume, your fave make up, a book. Something you'd buy yourself that way its saving you money and letting her buy a gift. Win win

You need to pick your battles - this one just isn't worth it

Original poster
MeerCat11 · 07/08/2022 23:56

@Redglitter You need to pick your battles - this one just isn't worth it
That is true and I keep on forgetting that, so thank you!

OP posts:
marvellousmaple · 08/08/2022 00:10

Weird!

melj1213 · 08/08/2022 00:13

For someone who doesn't want drama you're turning this into a very unnecessary one!

A stressful job and being an immigrant are not reasons to refuse a birthday gift - I have had a stressful job in a foreign country during a busy time of my work year and hate being the centre of attention so insisted on no big birthday bash but I still graciously accepted the few gifts friends and relatives kindly gave me when they saw me in the week or so of my birthday. It caused zero drama and zero fuss for them to hand over a gift and say "This is for your birthday,"; me to say "Thank you" and then continue on with our day.

Your MIL sounds lovely, she clearly wants to do something to mark your birthday - in my family even if people ask for no party/fuss then we still get them a card and small gift as an acknowledgement as it just feels wrong to almost pretend it hasn't happened - so just give her suggestions of things you need/want: the latest book in the series you're reading, your favourite flowers, your favourite brand of chocolate/wine/foodstuff, a new fountain pen to replace your current one, a charity you donate to etc and then everyone gets what they want - your MIL gets to feel she has acknowledged your birthday and you get something practical.

Jenny70 · 08/08/2022 03:04

The other good thing about asking for a donation to charity, is that if she decides she wants to give you something else (hand cream, scarf, clothing, book), you can say thankyou the XYZ charity will really appreciate this... showing that you are accepting the gift, but also that your charity statement is heard as well.

Mally100 · 08/08/2022 04:36

Fgs you are going out of your way to make an issue out of absolutely nothing. It is exceptionally rude to refuse a gift. Donate it, throw it away or do whatever but don't be so difficult just to make some ridiculous point.

zen1 · 08/08/2022 04:56

Refusing to accept your MIL’s gift will not help with keeping your relationship with her at a neural level - it will just create more bad feeling. By all means do what you wish with the gift, but don’t create tension by making a song and dance of not accepting it.

RedHelenB · 08/08/2022 05:22

Ever heard of the phrase " choose your battles"? You're being very weird about your birthday tbh.

portinahurry · 08/08/2022 05:43

So much drama and mental space wasted on this. If she doesn't get you a gift she'll worry you didn't mean it, she's kind of obliged to get you something given your difficult relationship. Just say thank you and pass it on to someone else. If you can get a charity donation even better.

Midlifemusings · 08/08/2022 05:49

For someone who doesn't want drama, you are actively creating it. You can't say you don't want drama and then make choices and decisions to create drama.

I am not sure if you are saying you will never attend any extended family party ever or just not for your own birthday. Are you never going to ever accept a gift again from anyone? Will you have a meltdown if your own family sends you birthday wishes on your birthday when you have decided it will not be celebrated?

Creating rigid rules about how others must act so you can get mad when they don't do as you told them is drama.

cariadlet · 08/08/2022 05:49

I understand where you are coming from. I don't like a fuss and have too much stuff already so don't want presents.

I know family feel weird about not getting me anything at all so I've asked for charity donations for the last few years.

My parents and sister have been fine about it but when I told my MIL that that's what I'd like, she got very stroppy with me for telling her what she should give me.

She's always asked my dd what she'd like for her birthday or Christmas but for some reason, she was offended when I did the same thing. 🙄

No point getting worked up over it. It's rude to refuse a gift so I accept whatever she gives me graciously and I think you will have to do the same.

diamondpony80 · 08/08/2022 06:21

cansu · 07/08/2022 23:01

You are actually creating drama not avoiding it!

Yeah, this.

I don't see how difficult it can be to just smile and say thanks if someone gives you a gift (even if you said you didn't want it). Declining a gift is rude when someone went to the trouble of buying one for you.

If you really don't want it, just accept graciously and then later donate it to a charity shop.