If your parents are deceased, how long did it take for you to feel happy again?

[Toomanytakeaways]

Maybe it isn't the best worded question but just wondered if there's anybody here who has lost one or both parents, and how long it took you to start to feel happy/positive again, if it has? How often do you get down?

In one way I want to answer you and be helpful but in another I don’t necessarily want to give you a sense of a timeframe that you might personally feel is unbearable.

Where are you at now? Have you just lost your parents? I can promise you it does get better.

I haven't lost mine, sorry I should have said, but I have some friends who have. I suppose it's different for everybody, and I just have a fear of when that time comes.

OP it depends on your relationship. I didn't have my dad in my life and when I herad he'd died it had very little effect on me.

But my mum died when I was 40 and it took a good 5 years to feel OK and still years later I miss her.

Bereavement can't be swerved. It is a cliché but you do have to go on a journey.. it hurts.

BUT you do get to a happier place. You might want to see a therapist to support this.

I had that fear too. You’ll cope, I promise.

My mum lost both her parents suddenly recently, although they were 80s but still vivacious. She’s OK but still goes to tell them stuff sometimes. She has grandchildren to focus on. So I think she’s sad about her parents dying, but not a sad person overall if you see what I mean? This is less than a year ago.

My friend and myself both lost a parent within a week of each other.
We both took two different paths after.
I needed counselling, she felt she didn't need that for example.
8years on I still think of him everyday and how much he's missed out on.

It literally hurts my heart daily but you learn to live without them sadly.

It took me three years to stop crying every day after I lost my mum. I still think about her every day and talk to her. No one tells you about the physical pain of losing the person who you loved most on the world and who loved you most. It’s been 13 years.

There are way too many variables in this to ever answer. I lost both of my parents within a month of each other when I was 47, but I had lost mum years before to dementia iyswim, and dad had just been existing to look after her. So, though I was sad, it wasn't massively traumatic.

I still miss my DM now, especially at Christmas, and that was over 15 years ago.
Things happen to bring it back up again.

My mum died after 6 years living with cancer and a short illness in hospital. It was still a massive shock. She was in her early 60s. I think the pain goes in waves but I had a realisation that I could be ok without her after 6 months (my children were 1 and 4 when she died and whilst she didn't do a huge amount of babysitting or childcare I felt I needed her advice and reassurance - very Un-MN!!) But mothers day, Christmas, birthdays, school events where lots of other kids brought nan etc were hard. Even this year, 11 years later I had a little moment , desperate for mum to see how beautiful my DD looked for her prom.
With my dad he had an illness with some symptoms akin to dementia. It lasted 5 years and I felt I lost him gradually over those years.

I lost my dad when I was 33 and I found it terribly hard to come to terms with it. It was a long and awful death from cancer, and I was pregnant when he died. I struggled with guilt - at being happy to become a first time mum on one hand. And simultaneously at being dragged down by my grief when I should have been enjoying the arrival of my much longed-for baby. I lost my mum last year. Since my dad died we had become very close and I saw her nearly every day of the week. She was a huge part of my kids’ lives. Suddenly one afternoon she collapsed and was dying in my arms and never woke up again.

Losing my mum brought back to me how much I still miss my dad. I had largely got used to being without my dad, it took about 5 years to feel that way. But I think now both mum and dad are gone I will never truly recover. Life feels drained of colour and I don’t have the energy or desire to enjoy like I once did. I fake hapiness for my kids’ sake, but I feel bereft. I expect in a few years or so I will feel better. But I think it will be a few years minimum.

My dad dies 6 years ago. It got slightly easier after the first year, I adored my dad, I will never get over him but it does get easier with time.

I lost both mine this year, and am still a bit of a mess. Complex feelings reflecting on complex relationships. Flashbacks to the depths of their illnesses and demises. I saw the lot.
Plain and simple grief.
Dwelling on my own mortality because let's face it in next in line.
I'm not howling any more and only occasionally cry. But gosh it still hurts.
I can't offer advice. I only assume it fades for most people

Mine were abusive and I would gladly have danced on their graves, but they were cremated. Apparently.
I didn’t attend the funerals, having gone no contact a few years earlier.
However when DH died young at 36, I never stopped grieving him, even now, 30 years later. I will mourn him to the day I die and we are reunited.
There is no timescale, OP. Grief is the price of love, and sometimes it exceeds a lifetime’s payment.

My Dad died when I was 13 and I miss him everyday but I'm not sad about it. There's no point being sad over something nobody can change.

My Dad died in October after a sudden, traumatic, battle with various cancers.
I'm in my 50's and he was 78, we weren't particularly close but I took over his care etc for those 6 months. My mum couldn't cope and seemed in shock for most of the time.
I still get flashbacks of things that happened and I find it hard to get restful sleep.
My Mum has failed massively since then and I'm very aware that she might not have long left which will devastate me.
Everyone is different in how they cope and tbh I don't think anyone has any idea how it will hit them. It's affected me much more than I had thought.

My dad died 7 years ago. I miss him every day and still cry. I'm still devastated he's not in my life and I'd do anything to have him back. BUT I'm not sad on a day to day basis. I still laugh about stuff, even about my dad, and I have a good life. But I don't know if the empty gap that he left will ever or could ever be filled.

My DM died about a month before my daughter was born. In some ways, it helped the grief as I had plenty to do but in other ways, it has shifted thr grief along the line. Overall, after 3 years thrn I am doing OK and get sad occasionally but its not the all consuming thought of my life.

I lost my dad when I was 20 but hadn’t a bit of a fractured relationship with him so although I missed him it wasn’t unbearable grief. He had cancer for 2 years so we knew it was coming and had said all we needed to..

My mum died in an accident when I was 45 and I was completely devastated. She was my best friend, we spoke several times a day and met up all the time. She was really involved with my dc and loved by all my friends too. It took me a good 2 years before I could laugh naturally without thinking “oh others are laughing I better join in”.

7 years on I still miss her frequently but have had counselling and I am living my life rather than just being. I am well supported by dh, family and friends all of whom knew her well so all is good. Mum had some wonderful friends who I see frequently and who scooped me up and took over her role in a way. I’m lucky to have a strong band of friends, some of whom are children of mums best friends so I’ve known them all my life.

DC are doing ok and although feel their loss they do talk about it so we are doing ok together. I have found that I am far more open with telling friends and family I love them and more involved with them now.

It was somewhere between 5-7 years for me. I did have happy times, during that time but it took upto about 7 years until I felt normal. I cried alot for the first 2 years but then gradually less.
It's a big thing for anyone to go through.

I lost both of mine in the space of 2 years, although it seemed much shorter at the time. They were both in their 80s , both with serious illness towards the end.
I do miss them; it took a long time before I stopped reaching for the phone to call mum. My friend lost her mum shortly after mine, and it floored us both how long it took to recover.
I am sorry they did not meet their great grandchildren, nor witness their various family members achievements. But I am glad they did not have to worry about some of the tougher stuff we have faced since they died.

A few years on, it’s mostly happy memories, and laughs about what they might say or do. It does get easier.

My mum died in August 2016 and Dad died a few weeks after. I’ve gradually stopped being sad but I do have inner conversations with them and sometimes laugh out loud when I imagine their reactions to anything absurd that happens. I will always miss them but I have lovely memories and can conjure them up whenever I close my eyes and remember them.

I do think it might depend on the circumstances and where you are in your life.

I lost my Dad to cancer shortly after I got married. We knew he was terminally ill so in a way I did my grieving for him before he had actually died IYSWIM. When the time came it wasn't a shock but almost a relief he wasn't still suffering. Of course I missed him but perhaps because I was starting out on a whole new change in my life it was bearable.

My mum had been old and frail for years when she finally passed away. Again, not a huge shock because we knew she could go at any time but you never expect it to be today.

Hmm, that's a tough one. My mother dying wasn't a total shock to me because she had battled demons for a long time, it's been 3 years and I am in a good place now but that took about 18 months to get to grips with. My dad died 5 years ago and I am still hurting now but that was a shock and we were very close. It depends on your relationship with the parent and how you were feeling mentally at the time anyway.

I still have my dad. Mum died 8 months ago. There’s always been moments of happiness. But it’s tinged with sadness. Because she isn’t here for the happy moments. At this stage it pretty much hangs over everything. Every day. All the time. But we have laughed in between. It’s just different now.

Dps mum walked out when he was 2 and refused all contact since. His dad died when he was 28. Although he enjoys life, there’s still occasions he feels incredibly sad about not having parents and he is mid 40s now.

My dads mum died nearly 40 years ago. He still feels it now. But it’s not life consuming. Mum dying has brought a lot of it back for him though.