If your parents are deceased, how long did it take for you to feel happy again?

[Toomanytakeaways]

Maybe it isn't the best worded question but just wondered if there's anybody here who has lost one or both parents, and how long it took you to start to feel happy/positive again, if it has? How often do you get down?

I lost my mum when I was 18. Took about 4yrs to get through the raw, visceral grief, and about another 10 to not default daily to 'oh, she's gone'. Then I had my first child and it came back quite hard for a good few years, same after my second. After 20+ years I noticed I wasn't thinking about her every day, sometimes not even every week, and when I did the memories were only good. Tbh at 30 years in now is just a part of my history and rarely even registers. It's just... my life? I also lost my dad at 22yo and the whole process was a lot quicker in fact I probably came to terms with his death before I did my mum's. Time allows you to get to a point of acceptance, but that necessary time varies for every single person.

I still both of my parents thankfully but have lost three friends before the age of 30, the first when we were 11 and the last when I was 27 and they were 32, and my gosh 21 years later or 4 it still hurts. I do still sometimes cry over them.

Grief is a strange thing, you can go days or weeks and feel OK, something that reminds you of them makes you smile and then it hits you like a wave, knocks you off your feet again and the same thing that made you smile one day makes you cry the next.

I lost one parent in my twenties. Diagnosed with cancer and died 7 months later. I did a lot of grieving during the time they were ill and still here. We took them away on holiday to see family. I played my part in caring for them and ensuring they had a good death.

I had about 4 months where I felt awful and eventually numb. I had counselling which was an excellent decision. It sort of gave me permission to move on.

After their death I actually made some really brave decisions which I'm grateful for today and has helped me into the person I am today.

My surviving parent is in poor health, declining and had 3 death scares. Again, I've done a lot of grieving for losses along the way - loss of health, independence, the person they were. I'm likely to be parentless by 40yo.

The best advice I can give you is to live for today - tell them you love them, go and visit and enjoy life together. If your relationship is complicated, try and resolve it, or if it's complicated but beyond fixing- make your peace with that before they die. Don't leave unresolved business.

I’ve lost both parents and 3 siblings in the last 4 years. I miss them all everyday, but usually with fondness more than sadness. They still enrich my life, and though (at times) I’m devastated that they are no longer here, most of the time I feel lucky that I knew them and was loved by them.

My love for them never leaves me, and neither does the pain, but I felt ‘happy’ within days of them dying - once I got over the initial shock. I constantly think of them, but it’s almost always with a laugh or smile. Occasionally something will have me doubled over in grief - it erupts out of me - but mostly when I think of them I’m doubled over in laughter, remembering great times. I feel the presence of them every day and actively think about them all of the time, and their influence is never gone.

I'm reading all the replies with tears in my eyes...

My dad died 7 years ago, the first 2 years were hard, as someone else said 'my smile never reached my eyes'... He was a lovely man and taught me how to love and how to be loved. My DM grieve seems to have improved in the last few years.

I still miss him and I talk to him, and wish he was alive to see how his grandchildren have grown and how I've achieved my dream job. But most of all just to have hug.

I lost both my parents 10 weeks apart last year (covid) - they were only in their sixties and it was a real shock.

I had six weeks off work (signed off sick by GP) and had 12 weeks of weekly bereavement counselling.

It’s now 18 and 15 months since they passed away. I still think of them daily. Thinking about the circumstances of their death makes me sad and weepy but doesn’t preoccupy all my thoughts like it did at the start. And I still get waves of safeness when I remember they’re not here anymore or certain things remind me of them. But I am happy the rest of the time and I find it comforting to talk about them and share memories.

Sending love to you OP - it won’t ever be the same, but you will learn to live with it.

Mine both died in the same year, six months apart. I adored them and I was broken. There will always be a huge hole in my heart and not a day passes without my thinking of them. That was seven years ago and as time’s gone on the waves of grief have become less overwhelming and less frequent but I’ll always miss them.

This is how I feel. I think it took me about 2 years to feel like I might be getting back to some sort of normal after I lost my mum as a teenager, but I don't think I've ever really gotten over it. I still think about her every day and often cry. It's been nearly 25 years.

My dad died 3 years ago when I was 24, I feel okay most days but I will have random bouts of sadness or moments when I think oh I can't tell him x or y. Nothing can really prepare you for it. I do feel it gets easier with time. However now I worry even more about losing my mom

I lost both my parents within 5 months of each other 8 years ago (I was 30). I was the one that found my mum when she had passed so that was very distressing.

grief comes in waves, you have a few weeks when you can barely cope and then a period of time when you are numb, gradually you realise you’ve had a day or so when you’ve felt less sad, but it’s a long road to feeling ok again. It’s not a switch that turns off overnight, and very much dependent on the circumstances surrounding how the person that has passed and also the grieving persons mental health before their grief.

I would say I started to feel a bit more like my old self after a year and then it got gradually easier.

someone once said to me that grief is like a black hole, the hole remains the same over time but the light around it grows, which is very accurate.

It's about a decade since I lost my mum. For me it's not linear. There was a moment a day or two after she died when something ridiculous happened and we all burst out laughing but there can still be moments now when I'm utterly furious that she's not with us anymore. I did find it all a lot easier after the first year though. Not because I missed her any less, but because I knew I could cope with it all. Christmas without her is awful but once I experienced it once I knew what I was dealing with.
I hope this doesn't sound too crass, but I have friends with parents with increasingly bad dementia and I sometimes think that what they are going through is worse than what I am. The permanence of death is horrific but it's a constant to learn to live with, rather than a situation slowly getting worse.

I will never get over my mum dying, just over 3 years now. She was young at just turned 67, she died suddenly within 10 days of going into hospital stage 4 cancer. She didn't know she had it.

Only thing that keeps me going are my children as she was such a huge part of my life, I feel I've lost part of me and can never see that changing.

My mum’s dying and death was traumatic and I’m 18 months on now. It’s still bad most days, I usually have a cry. But day to day I’m getting on with life. It’s not as shocking or gut wrenching as it was. I reflect a lot on what she went through. I had a bereavement therapist in the last couple of months help me with guilt and processing which was a lifesaver. Now it’s mostly missing her which is hideous, especially at Christmas which now feels empty.

Probably about a year to feel mostly ok day to day, about three before I could truly be ok e.g. on the anniversary. But that was a sudden heart attack and my dad was only 54, so perhaps it would have been shorter if more gentle, I don’t know.

My father died in 2011. I was sad for a few weeks before and after his death and then back to normal. I think the funeral was probably the turning point - after that I started to feel more like my usual self.

I lost my Mum seven years ago and my Dad four years ago. We weren't close, I lived away from them but I was there with them when they died and I loved them dearly.

I was upset, but because of the distance it wasn't so bad. Clearing their house was hard, all the memories coming back, but we got there.

I remember sending my DH to his new job away from home the day after my DM died. I went to work the next day (having told my boss not to talk to me about it), it was the best thing I could have done, it kept me busy and meant I was focused on other things rather than her death.

My parents were both in their 80s when they died, after happy, useful lives and at a point where earth was 'ready to go' - in sound mind but failing health. So although of course I missed them (and kept thinking of things I wished I'd asked them) I wasn't at all negative or desperately unhappy when they died.

Obviously for many people it's very different, but their deaths were in no way whatever tragedies.

I lost my dad a year ago. I was in a state of shock for a few months then just desperately sad. You just keep moving forward. At times grief makes you feel like you’re going mad but you just keep going. I year on a miss him just as much but it’s easier. It took ages to remember he had gone, I would go to call or text him. He seems to be all around me. My dad was tall and kind. I can feel his presence and I can hear his voice.
When it happens you need to grieve and you need to grieve for as long as you need. I’ve got lots of pictures of him around the house and his favourite jumper which I bought him. Sometimes I hug his jumper for a few minutes and have a cry.
just spent as much time as you can with the people you love. Take lots of pictures and videos.
It is the hardest thing but you cope.

I lost my father in my twenties and my mother in my thirties. I wouldn't have said I was constantly unhappy after their deaths, it was a strange time but the grieving came in waves, and concurrent with happier moments.

It took a few months to about a year for the rawness to subside.

Lost my mum june 2010 when i was 20. It still hurts. For the first year i kept expecting to see her, would swear around 5pm i'd hear her key in the door when she would have been due home from work. It took maybe 3-5 years for her not being around to become the new "normal" and for thinking of her to be of the happy memories that make me smile, rather than just sad. Typical "big" events are still very painful, her not seeing big birthdays like my 21st (4 months after she passed) and my 30th in 2019. Sadness that she'll never meet my wonderful partner (i adore his mum) or not be there if i marry, would never meet any potential grandchild (unlikely i'll ever be able to have one, and im fast approaching 33). Sometimes i still have days where all i can think of is how she died and the state she was in the last time i saw her and i'll be very emotional.
It doesn't get easier, you just get used to it. The closer you were, the harder it is and the longer it takes.

Mum died of cancer when she was 61 and I was 40 ( and married with 2 small children )
I think I cried every day for 2 years , and even now , 20 years later I can shed a few tears , because I still miss her and wish she’d been here to see my children grow up , they don’t remember her , only stories I’ve told them

Dad died years later , he’d missed her so much ( then suddenly found a new lady friend … as they do )
Sadly , he got dementia and ended in a nursing home not knowing what was going on , so the grieving for him was different as there was only relief really when he died

I read in a book once
There is no timetable for grief
That seems about right

My mum died 10 years ago, and I still think about her and have a bit of a cry most days. But it's not all consuming any more, and I have lots of happiness in my life.

But I'm not sure this question is a particularly helpful one in terms of supporting a friend. I didn't want anyone to tell me when I would feel better, I wanted people who would let me be as sad as I needed, for as long as I needed

I lost mine when they were aged 65 and 83. I think of them most days. I’ve come to terms with it as I’ve realised and accepted that losing parents is part of the natural order of life. It’s sad to read that a lot of people have lost theirs very young, and I imagine that is very difficult.

I didn’t feel sad at all when I lost my dad. We weren’t close and he never really bothered with me during my life, despite me trying to reach out. I was always jealous of people who had loving dad’s. On the other hand, I get tearful even thinking about when my mum dies. I’m going to miss her so much and I hope it’s not for a long time 💗🙏

My dad died about 6 years ago but it had no impact on my life as he left when I was 6 and didn’t really look back. My mum died 9 weeks ago and it’s horrible. I’ve started counselling and I don’t understand how I am ever going to live and enjoy my new normal.