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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague invited me to a wedding abroad. AIBU not wanting to go?

70 replies

Marghe87 · 07/08/2022 14:00

I have been invited to a wedding abroad; it’s a colleague of mine, she is getting married next year (not official invite yet but she said DH and I are in the guestlist). I hope I don’t sound ungrateful but I really do not want to go. We are not that close and with a 2 yo in full time daycare we are not swimming in gold right now and any trip abroad we can do is very special and needs to be carefully planned. It will be not only an extra expense for us but also a bit of a task to go all the way there for a wedding I don’t particularly care about with people I also don’t love (I know some people in my same company will be invited too and I don’t look forward to spending the evening talking to them whilst also with DH and DD are there and don’t know anyone).
I don’t know whether other people in my team are also going or not and don’t want to be the only one that pulls out but equally I don’t want to so something just because I am on the list. What would you do?
(For context, I know most of my colleagues can easily afford to go and some are also closer to her; it’s hard to shake that feeling of not wanting to be the only one who doesn’t go, although I feel a bit like a school girl saying this).

OP posts:
chipsandpeas · 07/08/2022 14:02

just declne the invite

TeapotTitties · 07/08/2022 14:04

What's the problem? Just decline.

Do you overthink every invite?

IncompleteSenten · 07/08/2022 14:04

Not at all.
Best to tell her now though that it is kind of her but you wouldn't be able to go.

RightMessUp · 07/08/2022 14:04

Of course you aren't unreasonable not to want to go. It was kind of them to invite you and it's perfectly understandable for you to decline.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2022 14:05

This is not an issue, op you simply decline the invitation. Don't make something into a problem when it isn't one.

LeroyJenkinssss · 07/08/2022 14:06

I would think in the circumstances she would be surprised if you actually went tbh. I think most people realise it’s kind of expected to get a fair few declines esp from work colleagues.

one of the bosses from work got married abroad and invited none of the other bosses. It was surprising because no one would have gone but the lack of an invite was considered rude. I would think your colleague is in the same position.

Ietthemeatcake · 07/08/2022 14:06

Just don't go. I had similar when a former housemate got married in the US. I had to turn down and made the excuse of us not being able to get time off, I think.

Nice to be invited and maybe you can have a work lunch or something before she goes, but anyone getting married abroad must know it's a big ask for most people not in their immediate close circle to attend

lap90 · 07/08/2022 14:06

What's that MN saying... a wedding is an invite and not a summons.

It's not by force you attend.

Poppyseed14 · 07/08/2022 14:07

I would decline too. Even if the money wasn't a factor your 2 year old could very well be.

drpet49 · 07/08/2022 14:07

Don’t go then. What a dumb thread 🙄

Original poster
Marghe87 · 07/08/2022 14:07

Yes I am overthinking it a bit maybe. I just do not want to be the only outsider of the team who does not go as I know most colleagues will. She is marrying a rich guy and don’t have any financial problems (most of my colleagues also in a same position) so it’s hard to be the only one that declines the invite for money reasons (actually it’s not that, we could go if we wanted to, just don’t care about it enough to make it
wprk iykwim).

OP posts:
SlowingDownAndDown · 07/08/2022 14:08

A colleague of mine asked everyone to his overseas wedding. Nobody went.
Would your other half be willing anyway? I’d say i couldn’t make it.

Aprilx · 07/08/2022 14:08

If you don’t want to go you don’t go. I don’t see any dilemma here whatsoever.

RampantIvy · 07/08/2022 14:10

"Thank you for inviting us, but we aren't able to attend" is all you have to say.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2022 14:10

I just do not want to be the only outsider of the team who does not go as I know most colleagues will.

Do yourself a huge favour and stop worrying about what other people think. They honestly do not care what you do. They have far more things to think about than you and your choices.

Original poster
Marghe87 · 07/08/2022 14:12

@RampantIvy it’d be weird to keep it so generic, we sit next to each other every day, I’d have to give a reason.
@Aquamarine1029 that is very true and something I need to work on.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 07/08/2022 14:13

Gosh I've seen people upset about declining overseas invites from relatives, but to be worried about saying No to a work colleagues wedding invite seems extreme.

Turn it down and don't give it another thought OP.

TeapotTitties · 07/08/2022 14:13

Marghe87 · 07/08/2022 14:07

Yes I am overthinking it a bit maybe. I just do not want to be the only outsider of the team who does not go as I know most colleagues will. She is marrying a rich guy and don’t have any financial problems (most of my colleagues also in a same position) so it’s hard to be the only one that declines the invite for money reasons (actually it’s not that, we could go if we wanted to, just don’t care about it enough to make it
wprk iykwim).

I just do not want to be the only outsider of the team who does not go as I know most colleagues will.

FOMO? 🤔

I'm sure you'll see the photos and videos etc.

Also, you can decline for any reason. The fact it's in another country would be reason enough.

Mally100 · 07/08/2022 14:14

TeapotTitties · 07/08/2022 14:04

What's the problem? Just decline.

Do you overthink every invite?

This. No need to make an issue of it. I doubt she will be gutted that some of her colleagues won't be able to attend. Just decline simple.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/08/2022 14:16

You don't care about the wedding
you don't want to go
Get over your FOMO and be a grown up

RedHelenB · 07/08/2022 14:20

Or go and make a holiday of it

SwedishEdith · 07/08/2022 14:20

Surely, most of your/their colleagues can't all be off at the same time? Who assumes colleagues you're not overly close to would want to go to your wedding at all, never mind overseas.

Where is it! I'm shallow enough that that might influence my decision.

purplecorkheart · 07/08/2022 14:24

To be honest I suspect she invited you as you work closely together and really does not expect you to come. She just wants to avoid the akwardness of not inviting you/says she will invite you.
Honestly you really do not have to give a reason. Just say so sorry that you/we cannot make it but hope you have an amazing time and you cannot wait to hear all about it/see photos.

Randomthoughts992 · 07/08/2022 14:36

Yabu to think it matters. Just decline and move on

RightMessUp · 07/08/2022 14:41

Marghe87 · 07/08/2022 14:07

Yes I am overthinking it a bit maybe. I just do not want to be the only outsider of the team who does not go as I know most colleagues will. She is marrying a rich guy and don’t have any financial problems (most of my colleagues also in a same position) so it’s hard to be the only one that declines the invite for money reasons (actually it’s not that, we could go if we wanted to, just don’t care about it enough to make it
wprk iykwim).

It's really silly to be so worried about what your colleagues think. Just say you are planning a big holiday with your family and don't want to commit to going to the wedding or lie and say you've already committed to something else if you have to.

If someone else declined to go would you be judging them for being tight or skint?