Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague invited me to a wedding abroad. AIBU not wanting to go?

70 replies

Marghe87 · 07/08/2022 14:00

I have been invited to a wedding abroad; it’s a colleague of mine, she is getting married next year (not official invite yet but she said DH and I are in the guestlist). I hope I don’t sound ungrateful but I really do not want to go. We are not that close and with a 2 yo in full time daycare we are not swimming in gold right now and any trip abroad we can do is very special and needs to be carefully planned. It will be not only an extra expense for us but also a bit of a task to go all the way there for a wedding I don’t particularly care about with people I also don’t love (I know some people in my same company will be invited too and I don’t look forward to spending the evening talking to them whilst also with DH and DD are there and don’t know anyone).
I don’t know whether other people in my team are also going or not and don’t want to be the only one that pulls out but equally I don’t want to so something just because I am on the list. What would you do?
(For context, I know most of my colleagues can easily afford to go and some are also closer to her; it’s hard to shake that feeling of not wanting to be the only one who doesn’t go, although I feel a bit like a school girl saying this).

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 07/08/2022 14:42

It's an invitation, not a summons. Just decline and say you can't afford it.

Years ago, I invited my colleagues to my wedding. Only one came and that was fine with me. It was in a different city and I think they would have come if it was where we lived.

Honestly, I invited then more as a courtesy.

JubileeTrifle · 07/08/2022 14:44

What a pity it clashes with my cousins wedding so can’t come. Cousin can always move/cancel wedding.

DFOD · 07/08/2022 14:52

purplecorkheart · 07/08/2022 14:24

To be honest I suspect she invited you as you work closely together and really does not expect you to come. She just wants to avoid the akwardness of not inviting you/says she will invite you.
Honestly you really do not have to give a reason. Just say so sorry that you/we cannot make it but hope you have an amazing time and you cannot wait to hear all about it/see photos.

This.

She likely invited you as a courtesy as she sits next to you and is expecting (hoping?) you decline - more to ease her own awkwardness.

Just get on with it and put both of you out of your misery.

“Really touched to be invited however we have already made financial commitments for next year so unfortunately will not be able to join you”

rookiemere · 07/08/2022 15:04

“Really touched to be invited however we have already made financial commitments for next year so unfortunately will not be able to join you”
No don't mention financial commitments, just say you are unable to come.

stuntbubbles · 07/08/2022 15:09

She’s not inviting you because she wants you there, she’s inviting you so she can talk about wedding at work.

Decline politely but enthusiastically, and deflect with a question about the wedding. Expect to hear about it as infinitum up to the event, then more when she returns from honeymoon. Gird your loins.

Lovetogarden2022 · 07/08/2022 15:11

I think most people understand when they have a wedding abroad that some people won't be able to go for many reasons. It's a big ask of people imho.

DFOD · 07/08/2022 15:11

stuntbubbles · 07/08/2022 15:09

She’s not inviting you because she wants you there, she’s inviting you so she can talk about wedding at work.

Decline politely but enthusiastically, and deflect with a question about the wedding. Expect to hear about it as infinitum up to the event, then more when she returns from honeymoon. Gird your loins.

Yep…

Ontomatopea · 07/08/2022 15:40

You can't just go because you don't want to be the only one who doesn't. Either you can afford it or you can't. And you can't.

Folklore9074 · 07/08/2022 15:55

Honestly just paraphrase what you've said here re: your reasons about not going. Totally understandable given its overseas and you have children. Equally a simple decline is fine.

LoveMuscle · 07/08/2022 15:58

She is probably aware you will decline but didn't want to make you feel unwanted by not receiving an invite.
Just thank her, apologise and say finances aren't great at the minute.

dreamersdown · 07/08/2022 16:05

Just thank her for the invite and say that you already have family commitments, and get her a lovely present. Then ask lots of questions about her plans and be very enthusiastic about it.

InstaHun88 · 07/08/2022 16:10

I got married abroad (it was my home country). I had a few colleagues at work who I was very close to and I had to invite them. But that also meant there were a couple of other people that I had to invite to not be rude, fully expecting they probably won't come but would have been delighted if they did.

She's being polite not leaving you out. Just decline, no one will be offended.

SarahSissions · 07/08/2022 16:12

A lot of people doing weddings overseas invite people so they feel included, but don’t actually expect them to go.

Odile13 · 07/08/2022 16:16

I just wouldn’t go. I don’t go to things I don’t want to go to. Being the ‘odd one out’ if all my colleagues went also wouldn’t bother me. I mean, at some point you’ve got to make a decision that suits you and stop caring about what everyone thinks / is doing.

Minecraftatemychild · 07/08/2022 16:18

Agree it’s awkward if most other colleagues are going, but remember she caused the awkwardness, not you. I wanted to get married abroad but decided not to because I didn’t want to ask my guests to spend all that money on my decision. Married near London instead to make it convenient for guests. She could have done that but instead chose to do this.

Just say “Wish I could be there but unfortunately we’ll have to say no and sit this one out. We can only afford to do one overseas holiday per year at the moment, if that, and there is zero cash for extras like this. Really appreciate the invite though, hope you have a fab time, let’s go for a drink when you’re back I want to hear all about it.” Then whatever she says eg ‘It’s only £1000’ Just keep repeating something like “Yes I wish I had more money too! Economy sucks eh.”

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 07/08/2022 16:23

Marghe87 · 07/08/2022 14:07

Yes I am overthinking it a bit maybe. I just do not want to be the only outsider of the team who does not go as I know most colleagues will. She is marrying a rich guy and don’t have any financial problems (most of my colleagues also in a same position) so it’s hard to be the only one that declines the invite for money reasons (actually it’s not that, we could go if we wanted to, just don’t care about it enough to make it
wprk iykwim).

No need to mention the money. Just say you can’t get childcare, or that you’re not comfortable leaving your child for that long, and you don’t want to bring them in case they disrupt the ceremony.

Fuckitydoodah · 07/08/2022 16:26

I doubt she will care whether you go or not. Same for your colleagues. Like others have said, she's invited you to save awkwardness when she constantly bangs on about it to you/in front of you.

Just say early on that you appreciate the invite but you won't be able to go. You don't have to give a reason.

It's not like it's a couple of miles up the road. You aren't unreasonable not to go.

NoSquirrels · 07/08/2022 17:05

just don’t care about it enough to make it
work

There you go, then. You do not want to go, so don’t go.

“Oh colleague that is so sweet of you! It sounds like it will be fab. Unfortunately we’re not going to be able to make it.”

(Clashes with another planned thing that’s Super Important, if you must have an excuse.)

No one will care. You won’t either, I promise. And as a PP says, the likelihood of all your colleagues bring off work at the same time is unlikely, isn’t it?

Ponoka7 · 07/08/2022 17:16

Don't mention money. Just say that you are planning a family holiday and have a few things coming up and between you, you won't have the work holidays needed. I agree that the invitation has been given to be polite. If you can't do that make up a family members big birthday (80th etc), from either side, that you can't miss.

latetothefisting · 07/08/2022 17:21

I chose YABU only because yabu to overthink it so much, and to worry that you'll be 'missing out' if you're the 'only one' from work that doesn't go. You don't really want to go, so don't. Obviously don't say "We could afford it if we wanted to but I have other things I'd rather spend money on' - you'll have to white lie a bit and say you can't afford it, or your husband can't get time off or whatever.

Mountainpika · 07/08/2022 17:23

Just say you can't make it. No reason necessary. People are too keen to come up with 'excuses'.

FinallyHere · 07/08/2022 17:47

Would you have preferred to be the only one of her colleagues not invited?

Just say thank you and you are sorry to be able to attend.

Having seen your update, any weirdness in a generic reply is entirely inside your head.

I’d have to give a reason.

You never have to give a reason.

FinallyHere · 07/08/2022 17:47

you are sorry not to be able to attend.

Obvs.

fizzywat · 07/08/2022 17:51

Bride/colleague won't give a shit. Just be sure to decline early enough so that she can bump up the "maybe" guest list!

I would however give her a nice card and a thoughtful (not necessarily extravagant) gift, and wish them both well.

Job done.

2bazookas · 07/08/2022 17:53

Just tell her, ASAP, that you hope she has a lovely wedding but you wont be able to attend. (no need to provide a reason).

Swipe left for the next trending thread