Colleague invited me to a wedding abroad. AIBU not wanting to go?

[Marghe87]

I have been invited to a wedding abroad; it’s a colleague of mine, she is getting married next year (not official invite yet but she said DH and I are in the guestlist). I hope I don’t sound ungrateful but I really do not want to go. We are not that close and with a 2 yo in full time daycare we are not swimming in gold right now and any trip abroad we can do is very special and needs to be carefully planned. It will be not only an extra expense for us but also a bit of a task to go all the way there for a wedding I don’t particularly care about with people I also don’t love (I know some people in my same company will be invited too and I don’t look forward to spending the evening talking to them whilst also with DH and DD are there and don’t know anyone).
I don’t know whether other people in my team are also going or not and don’t want to be the only one that pulls out but equally I don’t want to so something just because I am on the list. What would you do?
(For context, I know most of my colleagues can easily afford to go and some are also closer to her; it’s hard to shake that feeling of not wanting to be the only one who doesn’t go, although I feel a bit like a school girl saying this).

Why would you go to an overseas wedding for a colleague?

If it was my sister, maybe. But no one gets infinite holiday time, and to most people, the time we do get is precious. This isn't the way I'd choose to spend mine (nor my household budget).

It's perfectly acceptable to decline: you don't need reasons or excuses. And - this isn't meant as a sarcastic observation - it never fails to amaze me how hard some Mumsnetters, or more likely women in general, seem to find it to say 'no'. Women are so socialized always to be polite and not to offend in any circumstances, even where no offence was meant and none should have been taken. The Patriarchy has a lot to answer for.

If you recognize this in yourself - I did and took steps to change it - the book 'The Power of "No"' is a worthwhile investment.

"Thanks so much for inviting us, we really appreciate it, but we can only fit in one holiday abroad next year so I'm gutted to say we can't make your wedding."

Say you’d love to but can’t, and take an assertiveness course

Decline. You’re definitely overthinking things, when people have a wedding abroad they have to accept a lot of people won’t be able to go especially in the current climate.

Not the point of the thread but surely you can't all take the same time off to attend the wedding? How would that work with your jobs?

Just decline. You still have to get a gift though.

OP doesn't 'have' to do anything.

If she does send you an invite, it will be just that, an invite not a summons.

Next time she says anything, thank her for her kindness but let her know you would have decline because you don’t want to leave your baby.

You are whipping this into thing, when it doesn’t have to be,

Just tell her that you can't afford it.

That's so inappropriate. Why would you bring up your finances with a coworker? Why make something awkward for no reason?

I had a wedding abroad and invited 4 colleagues. 2 said yes and 2 said no . I didn’t think anything of it . It’s a lot to ask of people.

Thanks all. For those saying “you don’t have to give a reason”, I kind of disagree. We are not close friends but close enough to chat a lot during the day at work, we sit together and, as a team, we are always sharing what we do during the weekend and with our time off etc. in that specific context, saying we will not go without saying why, I’d be a bit weird. So I’ll have to justify the decline somehow (even though I agree she obv won’t care much either way).

I don’t think it’s inappropriate at all to say that you have already make financial commitments for next year.

It doesn’t make it awkward - if anything it’s awkward the other way as it’s a minimum commitment of £2k (I would think) for a family Of 3 to travel abroad to a wedding.

I would invite her for a coffee and have an honest chat with her. Tell her about nursery fees etc, and just say you would honestly love to go but can't really see it happening and you wanted to let her know upfront.
She will most likely appreciate your honesty

Tell her your dh can get the time off.
Take her out for lunch before the wedding.
I have got soooo much better at saying no to these things and it is very liberating!

The patriarchy - for gods sake

Ive only ever found it to be women that pester, pester, pester, use all the emotional blackmail to try to get you to do something that you dont really want to go to.

Thats why there are so many posts on forums where someone says 'I dont want to go, what do I do'.

However in OPs case its probably just a case of being invited to make up the numbers because its likely that relatives would also be put off going abroad what with the cost of living and OP I wouldnt assume that the colleagues will all go either, I bet a lot of them wont

Never excuse , never explain

Just do the traditional thing ( assuming there’s a proper card invitation )
Send a card / note saying
Thankyou for the kind invitation , but sadly we are unable to attend

We're getting married abroad, it's OK to say no! If you were one of my guests at this point if you even rsvp'd no to the email address I've clearly put on the invite you'd get brownie points as so far everyone seems incapable of that. I've invited colleagues that I don't expect to attend. Honestly, I don't want anyone there who doesn't want to be and its less to spend on food and drink.

That’s why there is RSVP on the official invite. Thank you so much for the invitation but we are unable to attend. End of story.

@Trishthedish - old thread!

Mumsnet - please stop the linked posts.