Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step children draining us

67 replies

nannygranny56 · 06/08/2022 10:35

AIBU, my step daughters 40/42 are constantly asking to borrow money, not paying it back and still treating themselves to holidays, beauty treatments etc. when we do get some back, although they owe hundreds, it’s, maybe £20. They plague my pensioner husband on his WhatsApp, bitching about me too. They refer to themselves as , his little girls’, they are wives and mothers.
The latest being when my mother was ill and died…. They moaned that I had changed …… then they moaned that they inherited NOTHING, but my children inherited.
I am so fed up, narcissistic, grabbing, women, using him, but I am trying to be the , ‘bigger person’. I have been in their lives since they were 17/19. Their mother died 10 years ago.
Unfortunately, my husband keeps most of this from me, this is the tip of the iceberg.

do you think he should let me sort it with them? Or am I the bigger/better person pretending it does not exist? Fact is. If I get involved I will never see them again (no problem for me) but my husband will hold it against me…..
should I walk away from the whole, toxic scenario?

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 06/08/2022 10:39

They actually moaned about them not inheriting from your mothers will??

Your DH is the issue here, you and he need to agree boundaries but I do feel sad for his girls losing their mother early like that. Very sad.

bangersandsmashhh · 06/08/2022 10:40

Well you have a dh problem as he’s indulging them

so personally I’d just walk away from it all

WorkshyHorsefly · 06/08/2022 10:44

jeaux90 · 06/08/2022 10:39

They actually moaned about them not inheriting from your mothers will??

Your DH is the issue here, you and he need to agree boundaries but I do feel sad for his girls losing their mother early like that. Very sad.

They are women, not girls, and are in their 40s. Their mother died 10 years ago, so they were not young. Not to sound callous, but they are adults, and have been for some time.

OP, if he is giving away your money, put a stop to it immediately. The situation sounds unbearable.

jeaux90 · 06/08/2022 10:48

@WorkshyHorsefly they lost their mother in their 30s, yes you do sound callous.

Their behaviour sounds appalling but a little empathy doesn't hurt.

WorkshyHorsefly · 06/08/2022 10:49

Empathy = / = boundary trampling.

ohfook · 06/08/2022 10:54

Keep your finances as separate from your dh as you can.
When they ask to borrow £X just say yes take it out of the £ you already owe us/were going to pay us back this month.
Make sure both of your wills are watertight especially in the event of your dh dying first.

DDivaStar · 06/08/2022 10:54

You need to agree boundaries with your husband but these will need to be implemented by you H . It will only work if he is in full agreement.

I would be tempted to write off any previous debt on the understanding he/you will no longer give them loans. Money can be complicated between families but this situation very much so. I would stop having any financial dealings with them....

Bonheurdupasse · 06/08/2022 11:00

OP
Suggest moving this to the Step parenting board otherwise more people will arrive to rip you a new one...(see example a few posts above).

Stripedbag101 · 06/08/2022 11:02

Unfortunately you can’t change how your husband interacts with his children.

but you can protect yourself. Separate finances. Are your wills in order?

they sound like nasty selfish women - that won’t change. Distance yourself and ensure your money is protected.

jammiewhammie65 · 06/08/2022 11:03

Fuck that. They sound like the ugly sisters

Paslaptis · 06/08/2022 11:06

Do you think he should let me sort it with them? Absolutely not. HE should sort it out with them, but he has to want to do that. Does HE think they are being unreasonable?

(1) The money. If it's joint money he's giving/lending, then yes, he needs to discuss it with you and get your agreement before promising or giving them anything (emergencies aside, possibly). If not, all you can do is advise him. If it's his money and he has plenty, let him run unless he asks your opinion. If lending them money is causing him hardship, that likely impacts you but I'd go from the angle of he can't afford it rather than they don't deserve it. I think policing someone's spending because you've lent them money (they can't be broke if they had a spa day!!, etc.) is a bad idea; if you're going to lend it just be clear on when you need it back and trust them to do it. Don't lend more if they haven't paid back the previous amount(s) as agreed.

(2) The way they treat you/talk about you. If they are actually being rude to you/in front of you while he is there, he needs to stop them. He doesn't even necessarily have to defend you (although generally he should), just tell them the subject is off limits if they can't be civil. And yes, I'd leave him if he's unable or unwilling to do that.

Their mother's death is sad, sure, but unless there's some relevant backstory it's irrelevant. As for your mother, she had the right to leave her money to whomever she chose.

funinthesun19 · 06/08/2022 11:07

The latest being when my mother was ill and died…. They moaned that I had changed …… then they moaned that they inherited NOTHING, but my children inherited.

Wow. What made them think they would get something from your mum?

Quitelikeit · 06/08/2022 11:10

It depends on whose money is being spent?

is your husband wealthy? Do they resent the fact all of his finances are diverted to you?

how much do they owe? If it’s a few hundred pound is this causing you hardship?

zingally · 06/08/2022 11:16

Their mum dying when they were in their 30s... So what? They weren't kids! My dad died unexpectedly when I was 32, and there's no way I'd treat my widowed mum like that!
That being said, as much as you have a DSD problem, you also have a DH problem.

Wombat100 · 06/08/2022 11:19

They sound delightful. They’re women, not children, and they need to start acting like it. Your husband needs to say enough is enough and (a) stop lending them money if they’re not paying it back and (2) tell them they are to treat you with respect.

They sound like a couple of 8 year olds 🤦‍♀️

Ps you’ll undoubtedly get some comments on this thread making out that you’re the evil stepmother. Unfortunately stepmothers sometimes can’t win whatever they do so ignore those comments x

Wombat100 · 06/08/2022 11:19

zingally · 06/08/2022 11:16

Their mum dying when they were in their 30s... So what? They weren't kids! My dad died unexpectedly when I was 32, and there's no way I'd treat my widowed mum like that!
That being said, as much as you have a DSD problem, you also have a DH problem.

👏

PolishingCandles · 06/08/2022 11:22

Every penny given to them is a penny less going into your home, regardless of whose money it is.
I would be telling both them and husband that it stops, right now.
Write off what they owe and don't give another penny.
At their ages they should be standing on their own feet financially.

ItWasJustifiedHeWasACunt · 06/08/2022 11:25

Tell the pair of them to grow up, get some self respect and fuck off.

Daleksatemyshed · 06/08/2022 11:25

Sadly Op this weird dynamic seems to happen a lot with seperated Dads. The DC get money/toys/days out thrown at them by Dad so that they'll want to come and see him and it's set the whole pattern for their adult relationship. They still see your DH as the magic money tree who always pays for them and he's so used to it he can't say no.
I'm sorry for your loss and the fact your DSD only see this as another chance for money. Maybe you have changed, you've opened your eyes and seen them more clearly?
Keep your money seperately and don't lend them any, it's not a loan when it's never repaid

BarbaraPickle · 06/08/2022 11:28

My neighbour was like this. His dd's sponged off him until he was well in retirement. They were jellies, incapable of holding down regular work. He was paying their food/car insurance/'pocket money'/ travel etc etc. His 2nd wife used to complain but he never had the back-bone to turn them down.

KangarooKenny · 06/08/2022 11:30

Yes, you have a DH problem. Keep your finances separate, and make a will leaving all of yours to your children. He can have a life interest i your half of the house until he dies, cohabitates or remarries.

LakieLady · 06/08/2022 11:36

It depends rather on how you and DH arrange your joint finances. If you keep your finances separate, I don't think you can do anything beyond having a quiet word about how much they owe him and how (un)realistic it is that they will ever repay it. And perhaps enlighten him as to how extravagant they are. I bet your DH has no idea how much money it's possible to get through on beauty treatments etc.

If it's joint money, I don't think he should be lending anything much more than a tenner unless you agree.

My late DP and I had joint savings and our own individual savings. It prevented any arguments about lending money or big purchases!

As for griping about your kids inheriting from their GM, that's irrelevant and, frankly, none of their business.

925XX · 06/08/2022 11:40

Tell them to Fuck Off! when my dad died he left everything to his wife my stepmother, and when she died she left everything to her sister! My dads original 3 kids got nothing.

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 06/08/2022 11:41

jeaux90 · 06/08/2022 10:48

@WorkshyHorsefly they lost their mother in their 30s, yes you do sound callous.

Their behaviour sounds appalling but a little empathy doesn't hurt.

Callous. Give over they weren't 3. It's completely normal for parents to die in their children's adulthood
It can be sad it can be devastating

But you don't get to milk it like this.

BungleandGeorge · 06/08/2022 11:55

the Phrasing makes it sound like he’s retired and you’re still working but whatever the scenario o think you should protect your money. Would you agree it have seperate money for ‘spending’? Have you set up wills so that your own children inherit?
your husband has a right to give his children money if he wants to, it should come out of his own spending money though. I just wouldn’t get involved with it, his choice. You are protective of your husband as you love him but ultimately his kids behaviour is a reflection of his parenting. You say they are ‘using him’, ‘plaguing’ him. He’s an adult, he’s brought them up, he’s allowing it, I think you need to put the responsibility on him. Sometimes when people don’t offer time with their children they offer money instead and a precedent is set in the relationship dynamics