Step children draining us

[nannygranny56]

AIBU, my step daughters 40/42 are constantly asking to borrow money, not paying it back and still treating themselves to holidays, beauty treatments etc. when we do get some back, although they owe hundreds, it’s, maybe £20. They plague my pensioner husband on his WhatsApp, bitching about me too. They refer to themselves as , his little girls’, they are wives and mothers.
The latest being when my mother was ill and died…. They moaned that I had changed …… then they moaned that they inherited NOTHING, but my children inherited.
I am so fed up, narcissistic, grabbing, women, using him, but I am trying to be the , ‘bigger person’. I have been in their lives since they were 17/19. Their mother died 10 years ago.
Unfortunately, my husband keeps most of this from me, this is the tip of the iceberg.
do you think he should let me sort it with them? Or am I the bigger/better person pretending it does not exist? Fact is. If I get involved I will never see them again (no problem for me) but my husband will hold it against me…..
should I walk away from the whole, toxic scenario?

[Brefugee]

formally separate your finances. Then get rid of them all. Sorry, but it seems the only way to save yourself if your husband isn't worried about it.

[RudsyFarmer]

@jeaux90

@WorkshyHorsefly they lost their mother in their 30s, yes you do sound callous.

Their behaviour sounds appalling but a little empathy doesn't hurt.

🤣

[diddl]

Does he tell them to stop bitching about you?

If not I'd leave him.

[Badger1970]

Why does your DH keep most of it from you? And how does he see the constant begging from them both..........

[KateRusby]

@WorkshyHorsefly

They are women, not girls, and are in their 40s. Their mother died 10 years ago, so they were not young. Not to sound callous, but they are adults, and have been for some time.

OP, if he is giving away your money, put a stop to it immediately. The situation sounds unbearable.

I'm mid 30s and only know a couple of people who have lost either parent. It's certainly not the norm to lose your parents that young.

[JocelynBurnell]

Unfortunately, my husband keeps most of this from me, this is the tip of the iceberg.

I think you need to accept that you have a serious DH problem. You need to sort out your finances and then decide whether you want to remain with him or not.

[Spanielsarepainless]

I had one like this. Thankfully DH finally put a stop to the subsidies when she was in her 40s.

[Mamamia7962]

KateRusby - I lost my father when I was in my early 30s. It may be unusual but I was an adult, with my own house and family. I wouldn't dream of keep asking for money.

[diddl]

I'm mid 30s and only know a couple of people who have lost either parent. It's certainly not the norm to lose your parents that young.

I was almost 34 & it did feel far to young-especially as she was only early 60s & didn't get to meet my kids.

I think though that after 10yrs I had got used to it!

[Rosehugger]

They are grown adults taking the piss.

[KangarooKenny]

I lost my DM in my 20’s, before I’d had any kids. But I was married, qualified in my profession, and owned my home. I’ve never asked my parents for money since I left home.

[Rosehugger]

Some posters here seem to think losing a parent in your 30s entitles you to a handout! 😆 How does that work then?

[ttacticall]

Pressuring someone to give away money is financial abuse.
I'm really sorry you're both having to deal with these horrors.

[CherryBlossomAutumn]

I’ve had this as a SM, the Dad feels some guilt over remarrying, and so indulges his daughters without question, and does not stick up for his new wife.

I would definitely say something OP. Otherwise you are being attacked but also silenced, which is a horrible feeling. I wouldn’t even involve your DH, just have a word or bring it up whenever it is appropriate, such as if they visit. I’m not sure it matters what you say, but that you say something, you say ‘there is a boundary for me’.

Of course, they will probably kick back through your DH, but that’s not in your control. As grown women they can only go so far. They can’t get hold of your money. Make sure you have some conversations with your DH about the money between you. You will probably have to accept that he will indulge them but just as long as the impact on your marriage and your pooled money is minimal.

[Emotionalsupportviper]

@jeaux90

@WorkshyHorsefly they lost their mother in their 30s, yes you do sound callous.

Their behaviour sounds appalling but a little empathy doesn't hurt.

I lost both of my parents in my 30s. I was gutted. It still upsets me to think about it - but I didn't whine and grift of family members.

[Imogensmumma]

Does your DH stick up for you or tell them off for saying nasty things about you

Is he giving them money affecting your day to day financial standing

if no/ yes are the answers you need to leave as it is a DH problem

Ive had a step dad for over 20 years I have no expectation I will inherit from him or his family sounds like your DH has two spoilt daughters

[Emotionalsupportviper]

@ohfook

Keep your finances as separate from your dh as you can.
When they ask to borrow £X just say yes take it out of the £ you already owe us/were going to pay us back this month.
Make sure both of your wills are watertight especially in the event of your dh dying first.

Good advice re: the wills. If they regularly receive money from their father I think they can claim they were reliant on his financial support and make a claim on his estate even if he leaves everything to you - I'm sure there was a court case about a similar situation umpteen years ago. He might have to say something like he's given them their inheritance "up front" because they needed it at the time.

[Emotionalsupportviper]

@KangarooKenny

Yes, you have a DH problem. Keep your finances separate, and make a will leaving all of yours to your children. He can have a life interest i your half of the house until he dies, cohabitates or remarries.

Good idea

[SaintHelena]

I would walk away while you are still fit and able enough to carve out a new life for yourself.
If you are both retired you shouldn't be subsidising anyone. Walk away. Hard but you still have enough time to start a new life where you are free to enjoy the fruits of your labour and your family!

[Nothappyatwork]

Do your children ever receive anything from you OP ? Treats ? Days out ? Etc ? Is it all evening up in the end.
My SM will expect my dad to pay for her daughter, her grandchildren x 3 and sit there and work out my share of the bill. We dont see them much.
You wont be taking that money with you, surely everyone getting along is more important at your age ?

[Nothappyatwork]

@Emotionalsupportviper

Good advice re: the wills. If they regularly receive money from their father I think they can claim they were reliant on his financial support and make a claim on his estate even if he leaves everything to you - I'm sure there was a court case about a similar situation umpteen years ago. He might have to say something like he's given them their inheritance "up front" because they needed it at the time.

Is that actually legal true ? Can anyone confirm?

[JuneOsborne]

Both of my parents died when I was in my thirties. It's not unusual.

They sound awful, but they also seem to be being enabled by your DH. So, I would encourage your DH to stop the enabling behaviour.

I'd be tempted to encourage him to tell them that any debt has been written off, but it means there's no more money that will come their way.

If your DH doesn't want to stop the enabling, then I'd absolutely think about walking away, because the three of them are as bad as each other and you'll always be on the outside, bankrolling a spineless man so that he can bankroll his grabby grown up daughters.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

When they 'borrow' money - is that your husband's personal funds, or joint money?

If it is your husband's personal funds, let him do without haircuts / new shoes / a winter jacket. His money to do with as he pleases, even if it pleases him to piss it up the wall.

If it is joint money, fuck that shit and fuck 'being the bigger person', which generally means 'let the arsehole continue being an arsehole'. I'd be all over them like a rash, insisting on repayment. Joint money = you get a say in where it goes and you get a say in not writing these 'loans' off.

"If I get involved I will never see them again (no problem for me) but my husband will hold it against me….."
Why? Why will he hold you securing repayment against you? If them having to repay loans affects the relationship between him and 'his little girls', he should take a long hard look at the relationship and see it is based on what they can get from him, not love of him. Of course, he may well know that already, and be pretending to himself it isn't.

[Scianel]

they lost their mother in their 30s, yes you do sound callous

Err, so? As have many of us.

[blameitonthecaffeine]

I wouldn't be so quick to condemn the dad and tell OP she has a DH problem.

These are women in their 40s harrassing and 'plaguing' a pensioner for money over wattsapp - sounds like elder abuse to me.