Step children draining us

[nannygranny56]

AIBU, my step daughters 40/42 are constantly asking to borrow money, not paying it back and still treating themselves to holidays, beauty treatments etc. when we do get some back, although they owe hundreds, it’s, maybe £20. They plague my pensioner husband on his WhatsApp, bitching about me too. They refer to themselves as , his little girls’, they are wives and mothers.
The latest being when my mother was ill and died…. They moaned that I had changed …… then they moaned that they inherited NOTHING, but my children inherited.
I am so fed up, narcissistic, grabbing, women, using him, but I am trying to be the , ‘bigger person’. I have been in their lives since they were 17/19. Their mother died 10 years ago.
Unfortunately, my husband keeps most of this from me, this is the tip of the iceberg.

do you think he should let me sort it with them? Or am I the bigger/better person pretending it does not exist? Fact is. If I get involved I will never see them again (no problem for me) but my husband will hold it against me…..
should I walk away from the whole, toxic scenario?

They sound awful and I’m sorry your having to deal with this. I believe your husband is trying to keep the peace by not telling you everything, but maybe he should stand up to them and tell them that his marriage comes first and they cannot treat you like this. When they next want money, he should be the one to give a firm “no”. If you do it they may see you as “the wicked stepmother”.

Keep your head high and don’t lower to their standards. Make sure your husband is on board with you and doesn’t go behind your back changing decisions etc as you need to be a united front to these two spoiled “little girls”

OP, if this in any way affects your finances or assets, look at separation.

If you are paying for your husbands lifestyle because he is gifting his income to his children, separate.

Protect yourself, because he is doing what is best for him, you should follow his lead.

Just ignore it but I wouldn't be allowing a penny of your or your joint money to be spent on them. They hate you anyway so what difference will it make.

Turn off the tap. Plug the bank account.

Stop feeding the problem, it only encourages the leeches to keep sucking blood.

Irrespective of the relationship, grown adults asking for handouts is appalling.

It’s maybe the lesser of two evils if they are otherwise going to be cold and hungry, but in cases like this they should be utterly ashamed of themselves.

YANBU to feel as you do about your step daughters because they do sound awful, but YWBVU to ‘sort it with them’ against your DH’s wishes.

It’s entirely up to him how he deals with his children and if he wants your support with problems they cause him, he’ll ask for it. Until then, you mind your business and if you don’t like the impact it has on you, you get to choose wether you be the bigger person and pretend it doesn’t exist or you walk away. Which will make you happiest?

Since you asked and are therefore considering it - yes I think you should walk away. The only way this will stop is if your DH takes control with very firm boundaries and making sure they don’t disrespect you. And it doesn’t sound like he will do that.

I lost my father as a child. That’s less usual. However, the stats, according to child bereavement U.K., a parent of a child under 18 dies once very 22 minutes. This equates to 23,600 a year.

Losing a parent in your 30s is a bit ahead of the average but still tough I imagine but should not be an excuse to ask for money. These grown women are either users or looking for an emotional connection. If it is the latter are they asking for money to create a connection? Are / were they close to their dad? Did they feel like you took him away etc?

The onus is on your husband to ensure you are respected by his adult children. He isn’t doing this. He is playing piggie in the middle. Although he may suspect he won’t see them for dust if the money dries up and he expects them to treat you well. He may have made his peace with this and be trying to hold onto them. What about you?

Apart from the fact many lose a parent in their 30's without using it as an excuse for shameless grifting, a little empathy wouldn't hurt for those being financially abused.

I thought you were going to say they were teens !
id suggest your husband deletes WhatsApp. Then they can start repaying what they owe. Be a doormat and you’ve no control over the number of feet that be wiped in you. They are CFs

OP, can you explain the effect it’s having on you/the marriage and ask if he’s prepared to stop the handouts? He needs a serious wake-up call.

If you stay with him then definitely get iron clad wills so the daughters can’t raid the house for his belongs or move to force a sale during your lifetime if he dies first. A good probate solicitor (ideally a member of Step can advise: www.step.org ).

I’m not sure why there’s so much debate on this thread about adults losing parents, because whatever the age someone is, it’s very sad. But it doesn’t justify what these two are doing.
.

I think really it depends on how your dh feels about it. They may at the extreme be financially abusing him. But it might just be a difference of opinion. If I have the money I’ll be sharing it and treating my kids until my deathbed. It’s my money, I’ve earned it, it’s up to me. I wouldn’t leave my money just to my partner either, kids would get a share. I’d rather just spend the bulk of it though. I can see why other people wouldn’t do that and it really depends on how much a few hundred is of your total wealth. To many it’s not a large amount, to many it is. But the crux is not whether you are unhappy with the situation but whether your husband is?

Be careful with your will: make a will that leaves your assets direct to your offspring, not to him.

Own your house as ‘tenants in common’ and leave your share of the house to your own children , with a life interest for your DH to live in it until such time as he sells, remarries, or cohabits.

These women have already demonstrated that they think your inheritance is fair game and I have seen many many men not protect their step daughter’s inheritance, (or even their own daughters if they die first and leave all to A N Other woman). He has shown his boundaries to be weak.

He must do what he will with his own money / assets, but protect yours for you and your D.C.

You need to have a firm talk with your very over indulgent husband. He needs to understand this is not normal behaviour, that he is spending joint money on them. If he insists on keeping donating to them, you need to establish a limit.

These women are pathetic
But so is your dh....

Id leave them all behind and live happily ever after

Adult women have a relationship with the adult woman they're hoping to fleece out of money that excludes their dad.
Stop the 'daddy needs to intervene' bollocks because they're grown ups. YOU tell them to fuck off and stop trying to rinse you clean and then tell your DH to deal with their reaction if he is that bothered by it.

They're not about to disown him due to any inheritance they're expecting from him/you.

Be as rude as you want and I promise they will come crawling back to make peace with daddy....because of the inheritance they want.

They're not children

If leaving is an option do that....but be sure to contact the stepdaughters and ask for reimbursement of any monies you've paid out for them