This is weird and distressing, right?

[MolliciousIntent]

Conversation with a family member about DD2 (5m and in perfect health)

Them: if she grows up, she might do XYZ...
Me: if she grows up!?!
Them: well nothing's certain, is it?

No, nothing is certain, that's true, but still, surely you don't just casually imply that there's a decent chance someone's baby will die when you're discussing if they'll be arty or sporty!? Apparently this is perfectly normal and I'm being oversensitive.

"I've never heard anyone say that before but could it be some weird superstitious thing like not tempting fate?"

Maybe its this. also maybe they knew a child or had a child who died and are ultra sensitive about it so feel they are being realistic. Im recentely bereeved and not thinking straight.
nor appratently typing striahgt either.
it colours everything.

I've lived for months at a time several times over where every thought is black, nothing is hopeful, every ounce of positive though said to you your mind twists back to black again, its a living torture and pushes you if this is a foreign concept for you just be grateful for that ignorance.

I said “I’m so relieved my twins are beyond 3 months” (my own twin sister died of SIDS at 3 months)
dfriend replied “oh that could still happen, especially as yours were premature”

realistically she was accurate but ffs, she didn’t need to say it.

Is this person always a pessimist? Or trying to take your joy at having a baby.

When I had my first child, my sister told me she’d had a dream where I died but she took my baby and raised him. It wasn’t said in a reassuring ‘I’ll always be there for your baby’ way and my baby was less than six months old at the time. That comment stayed with me and upset me for years!!! It was and still is my biggest fear.

@Pollythedoll Id interpret that as very Freudian— sounds as if subconsciously your sister envies you your son and would like him to be hers. Has she always been jealous of you?

OP there is an extremely strong cultural convention shared by most ethnic groups not to refer to mortality in reference to children and your friend has definitely crossed a line and your response is perfectly natural and her behaviour indefensible.
Either cut her off or have a Frank discussion about how her negative thoughtless comments affect others and make her company unpleasant

I'm thinking it was a slip of the tongue but rather than backtracking, they stupidly doubled down.

My sibling died in childhood and I could imagine making this sort of Freudian slip (I never have) but I'd make something up if challenged, rather than confirm my thought processes.

This is the kind of thing my grandmother would have said. She grew up in a country where a baby living until adulthood was far from certain.

And people suggesting cutting off a friend for this are being totally ridiculous.

And that's very reasonable. But this person is 35 and born and bred in the UK.

And that's very reasonable. But this person is 35 and born and bred in the UK.

Do you know that they haven't experienced child death in the past? (whether their own child, a sibling or friend)

Pretty much 100% sure not - certainly none in the family, and knowing them if it had happened to someone they know they'd have mentioned it almost constantly when the babies in the family were small.

And this makes it ok?
Projecting your own experiences onto someone else does NOT excuse this.

If a close friend told you that their mum had been diagnosed with cancer, would your first sentence be “oh I know someone who died of that type of cancer”??

New mums have enough anxiety to cope with, without someone insinuating their baby might not see adulthood.

Claiming mental health, learning disability or your own tragic past does NOT excuse saying such negative things

And this makes it ok?
Projecting your own experiences onto someone else does NOT excuse this.

I didn't say it was made it "okay", ffs.

If you read my (or other PPs) previous posts, you'd have seen I suggested it may have been a Freudian slip based on the person's past experiences and they then wrongly choose to double down on it.

That doesn't make it "okay", but losing one's child or a sibling in childhood colours your perceptions for the rest of your life, and unfortunately non-perfect human beings do occasionally make unconscious slips of the tongue. An apology was certainly due to OP.

In German there is even a verb for this: "beschreien" - causing something bad to happen by being positive / optimistic.

Disclaimer: Lighthearted joke-
No wonder Germans always seem so depressed and never positive

@newhere989

"Den Vogel, der morgens singt, holt abends die Katze."
"Hochmut kommt vor dem Fall."

My DM's mottos.

Well, that's cleared that up.