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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Letting strangers handle baby...

98 replies

Newmum199207 · 06/08/2022 08:57

Been invited to my other halfs sisters birthday BBQ next weekend. All of his family will be there which I am absolutely fine with them handling the baby. However her friends will also be there and I'm not comfortable with the idea of my baby being held by them as they are strangers to me. I know when I bring this up to my other half it's going to cause friction. I'm just super worried about germs etc and my baby is only 2 months old. AIBU??

OP posts:
Sunnyqueen · 06/08/2022 09:41

Now you have a baby it's time to learn to be assertive. Youre going to have to be the advocate for your child for the next 16-18 years.

Badgirlriri · 06/08/2022 09:42

FirewomanSam · 06/08/2022 09:04

I don’t know the friends in question obviously but I think most people are unlikely to be queuing to hold a stranger’s baby at a party. I don’t think this is going to be the problem you think it will be.

This.

peaceandharmonyinalltheworlddd · 06/08/2022 09:43

Honestly, you don't need to make such a big deal out of this.

Also - you don't know for a fact, what his sister will do.

You might have an idea. But if she's young and goes out with her mates, like you say she does, there's a fair chance she's going to be more focused on socialising and having a drink with her mates.

Chill a bit. And as much as you say you can't say no, yes. Yes you can.

And even if she does want to show off her nephew to her friends, or doesn't mean her friends are going to be forming an orderly queue to hold said child.

Badgirlriri · 06/08/2022 09:45

So what are you posting for then? What response do you want? To tell you not to go?

MrsOwainGlyndŵr · 06/08/2022 10:03

I once went to a party where a mum I’d never met before asked me to hold her baby and then fucked off to mingle and have fun for over an hour while I was sat there stuck with this sleeping baby in my arms. Someone eventually found her and made her take the baby back and she seemed bemused at the idea that I didn’t want to just hold her PFB for the entire party.

That would be me!😁

I was more than happy for others to take my baby while I had a few hours minutes to myself - they always brought the baby back when it started crying though 🙁!

It's good for the baby to be exposed to "germs". And to get used to being handled by other people.

Comedycook · 06/08/2022 10:05

Unless the guests have been rolling round in sewage and/or spent the previous night sleeping in a crack den...then I wouldn't worry too much about germs.

GriseldaPlum · 06/08/2022 10:05

Her friends are all in there 20s and quite rightly go out all the time etc so yeah there is a much higher chance they could potentially have something

I think this makes it even less likely that they will be clamouring to hold a baby.
Truly, I think most people would want to avoid holding a small baby at a party.
And even if someone asked you could just say "sorry, he/she's a bit unsettled at the moment. Nobody will mind. Don't build it up into a massive problem in your head.

TailSpinner · 06/08/2022 10:14

For those saying I can just say no, I can't really tbh.

Ok, well, you’re a parent now so for your child’s sake, you need to grow a back bone. No one can take your baby if you don’t want them to if you don’t let them. Unless they forcibly do so (unlikely to happen) in which case phone the police. If you let them, that’s very much on you.

35965a · 06/08/2022 10:16

You can say no. Of course you can.

Alfenstein · 06/08/2022 10:23

Newmum199207 · 06/08/2022 09:33

Just want to add that I know for a fact his sister will be showing him off to all her friends as it's her nephew, they are a very huggy bunch of people so I know for a fact they will want to hold him. Those commenting about the germs, in theory yes it is no different to his family members but his family members are not young, they don't go out much and stay inside mainly. Her friends are all in there 20s and quite rightly go out all the time etc so yeah there is a much higher chance they could potentially have something. Especially with Covid going back up again. For those saying I can just say no, I can't really tbh. And I've already had his mum invite her friends around mine to meet him which again I wasn't happy with as I don't know these people.

You need to grow up if you're going to be the best advocate for your child throughout their life

I think you're being unreasonable but the fact you don't think you can say no to people coming round your own home is very concerning

Maray1967 · 06/08/2022 10:23

Agree with posters above. Now is the time to develop your assertiveness. Start politely but firmly- and escalate up if necessary. If someone actually tries to physically take baby from your arms, walk away. You need to assert your position as baby’s primary carer. My DH knew better than to argue with me over that. I did let family feed them but I would not have had loads of people I didn’t even know holding my baby nor would I have had MIL bringing her friends round shortly after birth.

HikingforScenery · 06/08/2022 10:24

Hugasauras · 06/08/2022 09:03

They may not want to hold your baby anyway. I wouldn't want to hold a random baby at a party particularly!

Definitely this!

Loics · 06/08/2022 10:24

Of course you don't have to give your baby to anyone to hold. I have 2, not as worried about germs anymore, and I probably wouldn't like a 2 month old baby being passed around at a party. I would think it sad if someone just gave their baby to someone else at a party and wandered off.
My partner has a brother in his 20s and he has never shown any interest in our kids, never so much as asks about them, think he has held one of them once. They probably won't be scrambling to hold baby, I wouldn't worry too much. If they do, though, it's okay to say no. Or make an excuse - baby is too tired/going through a clingy phase/only wants to be with you. At that age, mine wouldn't tolerate being away from me for any length of time!

JudgeJ · 06/08/2022 10:34

pd339 · 06/08/2022 09:19

What makes you think that someone who doesn't know you would be desperate to hold your baby? ! Hilarious..

That was my thought! I don't think I've ever willingly held someone else's baby, other that grandchildren, at a bbq my thoughts would be Hope it doesn't start yelling!
Sorry parents, you may think your off-spring are the centre of the universe, not many others would agree.

Flittingaboutagain · 06/08/2022 10:38

My baby wasn't a doll to be passed around and only our parents have ever cuddled her. Even then with hand gel first and negative LFT because it was just out of lockdown and she hadn't had any immunisations. I'm pregnant again and will definitely be saying the same thing because no one's feelings are more important than my babies' safety. No one was upset at all anyway. I don't get this weird thing about being "cool" for letting your baby get treated like a doll and you're PFB is you don't. PFB in this case is just a decent parent.

Alfenstein · 06/08/2022 10:40

Flittingaboutagain · 06/08/2022 10:38

My baby wasn't a doll to be passed around and only our parents have ever cuddled her. Even then with hand gel first and negative LFT because it was just out of lockdown and she hadn't had any immunisations. I'm pregnant again and will definitely be saying the same thing because no one's feelings are more important than my babies' safety. No one was upset at all anyway. I don't get this weird thing about being "cool" for letting your baby get treated like a doll and you're PFB is you don't. PFB in this case is just a decent parent.

How strange and controlling to only allow so few people to hold your baby

You're the type of parent most will roll their eyes at

jeaux90 · 06/08/2022 10:45

Just say to your SIL you'd rather your DC doesn't get passed around. Most people don't want to hold a baby they have no connection with.

GriseldaPlum · 06/08/2022 10:45

That was my thought! I don't think I've ever willingly held someone else's baby

Same! A friend once asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I had to say I thought I had a bit of a cold. Which begs the question, which is the worse predicament - telling someone they can't hold your baby, or telling someone you don't want to hold their baby?

peaceandharmonyinalltheworlddd · 06/08/2022 10:53

Flittingaboutagain · 06/08/2022 10:38

My baby wasn't a doll to be passed around and only our parents have ever cuddled her. Even then with hand gel first and negative LFT because it was just out of lockdown and she hadn't had any immunisations. I'm pregnant again and will definitely be saying the same thing because no one's feelings are more important than my babies' safety. No one was upset at all anyway. I don't get this weird thing about being "cool" for letting your baby get treated like a doll and you're PFB is you don't. PFB in this case is just a decent parent.

Oh for goodness sake.

That's actually quite sad that only the your parents have ever held her.

BabyDreamers · 06/08/2022 10:57

peaceandharmonyinalltheworlddd · 06/08/2022 10:53

Oh for goodness sake.

That's actually quite sad that only the your parents have ever held her.

Show quote history

Oh gosh. Someone has anxiety level 1000.

Teaandcrumpets95 · 06/08/2022 11:00

Baby wear if you don't want him passed around.

Personally, I love passing my 3 month old to others as it's fun for them and a break for me.

If you're worried about covid, honestly you shouldn't be going to a social gathering like a party anyway.

CJsGoldfish · 06/08/2022 11:03

Flittingaboutagain · 06/08/2022 10:38

My baby wasn't a doll to be passed around and only our parents have ever cuddled her. Even then with hand gel first and negative LFT because it was just out of lockdown and she hadn't had any immunisations. I'm pregnant again and will definitely be saying the same thing because no one's feelings are more important than my babies' safety. No one was upset at all anyway. I don't get this weird thing about being "cool" for letting your baby get treated like a doll and you're PFB is you don't. PFB in this case is just a decent parent.

I can't decide if this is sad or just hilarious. 🤷‍♀️

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 06/08/2022 11:06

I don't think you are being a strange and controlling germphobe @Newmum199207!
I would be more concerned about the alcohol flowing whilst sil is wanting to play pass the parcel with your baby. This is the time to learn to be assertive. Part of what some call precious new mum anxiety is really about identifying potential hazards in advance and working out a way to protect against them. There isn't anything wrong with that.

Alfenstein · 06/08/2022 11:11

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 06/08/2022 11:06

I don't think you are being a strange and controlling germphobe @Newmum199207!
I would be more concerned about the alcohol flowing whilst sil is wanting to play pass the parcel with your baby. This is the time to learn to be assertive. Part of what some call precious new mum anxiety is really about identifying potential hazards in advance and working out a way to protect against them. There isn't anything wrong with that.

Or getting overly anxious about absolute non events

And spiraling

You sound just as anxious as the OP - it's not a positive

Jolinar · 06/08/2022 11:13

You can say no. Thinking you can't is because you are a door mat.