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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think in-laws don't like me?

74 replies

lowlights · 05/08/2022 17:38

DP and I have been together 5 years, lived together for 3. He is an integral part of my family.

DP has a small and close family with parents and 1 sister who is married with 3 kids. No one lives close by so there's a lot of family group chats on social media/WhatsApp etc. these often include random and remote cousins and the like and sister's husband. Never once have I been added. Messages I send to his parents are read but unanswered. Yet when I see them they seem to like me (he says they love me) but it certainly doesn't feel like it. He agrees message issue is rude and raised it with them before but nothing changed.

Since we've lived together his sister has sent kids to stay in holidays (we live in coastal tourist area). Kids are lovely and I like them very much. Not once has she thanked me for looking after them. She thanks DP but not me. Last year his sister told him that since we'd been together he'd changed for the worse. He did pull her up on this and she apologised saying he'd misconstrued. No apology was made to me. I've not had any contact since (but have had kids again without any thanks)

This morning he told me she was sending kids for a few days. I proceeded to ask why, when sister clearly doesn't seem to like me, I'm expected to care for her kids (I'd never say no to the kids). He is exasperated with me and says he doesn't know what I want him to do. I truth I don't know what I want him to do. He can't make them like me. His family don't have any contact with his exW and I wasn't a factor in their divorce years ago so it's not that I'm the other woman. It just feels like an uphill struggle of me -v- his family and I'm not sure how to resolve or what I can do. He agrees somewhat with my issues and says they don't treat him much better either but wants me to be the bigger person.

How would you manage this?

OP posts:
Lineala · 05/08/2022 17:43

I would say no. And stop texts, pick up the phone.

HonHey · 05/08/2022 17:44

Why on earth is SIL sending her kids down to you constantly? What are you and your DP, free babysitters?! He can have a relationship with his nieces/ nephews without you guys having to them to stay all the time. And yes, cheeky as F to do that if she doesn’t like you IMO.

I think he needs to sit down with his family and get to the bottom of why they exclude/ ignore you/ his sister makes the comments she does.

I would personally stop bothering with them all entirely, see them when you see them and be friendly but I certainly wouldn’t be messaging them if all my messages went ignored and I wouldn’t be making much effort to host SIL’s kids either. They can’t have it both ways. Your DP needs to have your back though.

yonce · 05/08/2022 17:48

If they don't treat him much better, then I wouldn't be thinking they absolutely don't like you. They might just not be on the same sort of family level that you and your family are on.

I would definitely be saying no to SIL sending her DC to you - you're good enough to be a baby sitter, but not a close member of the family? They can't have it both ways.

girlfriend44 · 05/08/2022 17:49

He needs to tell his sister she either treats you properly or that's it. She can't care about her brothers happiness much can she.

Original poster
lowlights · 05/08/2022 17:49

I'm worried that saying no will give validation to her idea that I'm bad for him and interfering in his family relationships. I have a truly awful step mother who has sought to keep myself and siblings away from our dad so I'm extremely conscious of being accused of that.

They've been asked what issue is before but deny there is one whilst even DP agrees there is something amiss

I think the babysitting comes from the fact we don't have kids ourselves so we should be glad to spend time with them

OP posts:
Original poster
lowlights · 05/08/2022 17:55

yonce · 05/08/2022 17:48

If they don't treat him much better, then I wouldn't be thinking they absolutely don't like you. They might just not be on the same sort of family level that you and your family are on.

I would definitely be saying no to SIL sending her DC to you - you're good enough to be a baby sitter, but not a close member of the family? They can't have it both ways.

I think there is truth in this. But if my family made DP feel unwelcome I'd certainly be unhappy about it

OP posts:
H3ll00 · 05/08/2022 17:59

My OHs family are rude to me.I was added to the group chat but removed myself from it and unfriended them on social media. Life’s so much easier know I don’t engage with any of the fakery.

They’ve been made aware they are hurting your feelings and have been given a chance to change but aren’t. You need to sit down with the DP and decide as a couple how you want to handle this now and why.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/08/2022 18:01

If I thanked my SIL for something, I'd feel like it was a thanks to both her and BIL. In the same way that If SIL thanks DH, I assume I'm also thanked.

I also am the one who messages my side while DH messages his. I can't think of a reason I'd message his side (except his sister, who's a friend) and they would need to reply to just me. I don't like the 'women as social secretaries' thing.

They just don't sound wildly close or bothered. I prefer that TBH but it may not suit you.

Original poster
lowlights · 05/08/2022 18:02

H3ll00 · 05/08/2022 17:59

My OHs family are rude to me.I was added to the group chat but removed myself from it and unfriended them on social media. Life’s so much easier know I don’t engage with any of the fakery.

They’ve been made aware they are hurting your feelings and have been given a chance to change but aren’t. You need to sit down with the DP and decide as a couple how you want to handle this now and why.

How do you find relations now you don't engage? I'm mindful he loves his family very much and don't want to make it harder for him. I'm already dreading Christmas as there will be an expectation that we'll host something

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 05/08/2022 18:03

If they're asking dp to look after and care for them. He can crack on.
If he's delegating that work to you, then I'd say no unless she asks nicely and says Thankyou after. Basic manners

mbosnz · 05/08/2022 18:04

Well, for a start off, I'd be phoning SIL and saying, if she wants me to take the kids, knowing full well I'll be doing all the donkey work, she can ring me and ask me, and she can learn how to use her pleases and thank yous. Any acceptances of her childcare by your partner on your behalf is null and void.

I'd be saying to my partner, his family can't have it both ways. Either I'm part of the family, including the chats, and including them accepting me and appreciating me, or I'm not, in which case I am not to be imposed upon for family favours like childcare. You can't have your cake and eat it too. He and his family can hash it out between themselves.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/08/2022 18:06

I'm already dreading Christmas as there will be an expectation that we'll host something

But you say they're nice enough in person.

Original poster
lowlights · 05/08/2022 18:07

I think that's it; I'm a big girl and can accept not everyone in life is going to like me BUT you can't therefore expect favours or me going out of my way to help

OP posts:
bubblescoop · 05/08/2022 18:10

This makes no sense. How is she just sending her kids to you?

Surely she asks you/your husband, you discuss it and get back to her? Not your husband just comes up and says they’re coming 🤨

harriethoyle · 05/08/2022 18:25

Please tell me your DH has taken annual leave to look after neices and nephews and hasn't unilaterally volunteered and then got pissy with you...

Threelittlelambs · 05/08/2022 18:29

I think your DH needs to step up here, he was asked and then assumed you’d be ok about it? So he thinks very little of your time? But yet you expect SIL too?

He’s hardly showing them the boundaries you deserve.

TeapotTitties · 05/08/2022 18:31

This morning he told me she was sending the kids for a few days

I'm expected to care for her kids

What the fuck??

Who does your DP think he is, inviting his sister's kids and expecting you to look after them for him??

yonce · 05/08/2022 18:34

lowlights · 05/08/2022 18:07

I think that's it; I'm a big girl and can accept not everyone in life is going to like me BUT you can't therefore expect favours or me going out of my way to help

This is definitely the attitude I'd have in your situation, she thinks your DH is worse since he met you - but will entrust you both with her children? Makes no sense to me!

I'd also be hurt in your DHs situation, but if he's close to (and welcomed by) your family - he might be more indifferent because he's got your family for both of you to be close to.

Personally I'd take a step back, I wouldn't be sending messages or looking after the SILs children.

exnewwifeproblems · 05/08/2022 18:37

Are you or your DP at home all day and expected to mind these kids she just sends?! 😱

MintJulia · 05/08/2022 18:38

Sounds like my family. I'd never contact my bils or my sil, when it's easier and quicker to send a note to my brother or sisters. It's just faster. No rudeness is intended.

vaingina · 05/08/2022 18:40

Say something to SIL. No way would I be a childminder for people who show no appreciation. Fuck that!

Original poster
lowlights · 05/08/2022 18:45

The ask usually comes in the form of 'the kids have asked to stay' rather than 'could you look after the kids for a few days' making it slightly trickier to decline

Yes DP does try to look after them when they're here but with 3 it tend to require a joint effort

OP posts:
SaintHelena · 05/08/2022 18:46

I would be away when DCs arrive as you have a new hobby that keeps you busy- hillwalking, art, sailing, tour of museums.

Let DH do it if he is mug enough to agree to this.

I'm a DGM and no one assumes I'll be happy to have the kids when someone dictates - this is way beyond expectations.

Go to Iceland, Switzerland, Ye olde English pub for Xmas - DiNot Host.

ememem84 · 05/08/2022 18:48

My il are like this. Fil won’t have anything to do with me his partner likes to slag me off at every opportunity. Yet it’s been made known I’m expected to care for her after her hip op.

I said no.

Summerhasbeenandgone · 05/08/2022 18:50

Haven't you somewhere to be that week op?
Like a holiday of your own.
Like fuck would I be home entertaining sil's dc.

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