To think in-laws don't like me?

[lowlights]

DP and I have been together 5 years, lived together for 3. He is an integral part of my family.

DP has a small and close family with parents and 1 sister who is married with 3 kids. No one lives close by so there's a lot of family group chats on social media/WhatsApp etc. these often include random and remote cousins and the like and sister's husband. Never once have I been added. Messages I send to his parents are read but unanswered. Yet when I see them they seem to like me (he says they love me) but it certainly doesn't feel like it. He agrees message issue is rude and raised it with them before but nothing changed.

Since we've lived together his sister has sent kids to stay in holidays (we live in coastal tourist area). Kids are lovely and I like them very much. Not once has she thanked me for looking after them. She thanks DP but not me. Last year his sister told him that since we'd been together he'd changed for the worse. He did pull her up on this and she apologised saying he'd misconstrued. No apology was made to me. I've not had any contact since (but have had kids again without any thanks)

This morning he told me she was sending kids for a few days. I proceeded to ask why, when sister clearly doesn't seem to like me, I'm expected to care for her kids (I'd never say no to the kids). He is exasperated with me and says he doesn't know what I want him to do. I truth I don't know what I want him to do. He can't make them like me. His family don't have any contact with his exW and I wasn't a factor in their divorce years ago so it's not that I'm the other woman. It just feels like an uphill struggle of me -v- his family and I'm not sure how to resolve or what I can do. He agrees somewhat with my issues and says they don't treat him much better either but wants me to be the bigger person.

How would you manage this?

There is no way on Earth I would look after the kids of someone who was that rude to me/about me for three whole weeks. What a CF. That’s such a lot to ask. Have a word OP! She needs to more than you need her. Time to set some boundaries.

You mention 3 children - what ages ? And how long is she "sending them" for ?

Lots of ways to play this mentioned by PPosters - depends how much you want to look after said 3 children ..... you could say to your DP seeing as he seems to have agreed to this visit that that's great they are coming as you so enjoy their company but it's a shame you're out with xyz on Saturday for example as you won't be able to help him and what has he planned for that day ?

I would expect husband to say no, you either talk us both or they don’t come. I would never expect op to care for someone else’s children when they can’t even talk to her, and tbh it’s showing your dc a pretty terrible example.

if he wanted to be more casual he could say we might do I am not sure what’s on then, im
dashing out why don’t you give op a call and if she says it’s fine then we can.

but it’s not ok to just be there and put up with it. If you can’t do the above why don’t you go away and let him do it on his own?

Hmm, I'd book some activities/catch ups with friends for myself. If no one (including your DP) has the decency to ASK you if you'd be willing to have their DC then don't stick around to help him.

Personally I think not being added to in-laws’ group chats is the absolute dream, and can’t think why I’d need to message my parents-in-law ever. And you have been thanked, via DP – there’s no need to CC everyone, a thank you is blanket.

The only issue is the babysitting and that’s easily resolved by saying no. Who cares if SIL adds that no to her pile of evidence? She doesn’t like you anyway; she’s not going to extra dislike you. And you’re not on the group chat to see them bitch about it: win-win.

If I was your DH I'd stand up for you again with the family. I'd ask first that you're added to the group chats by whoever runs them, something jokey about now weve been married for 3 years I think it's about time...is added to the group chats. I'd also say clearly to both parents and sister I love ..she's really important to me and Im hurt that you don't thank her for having the kids or include her and just give them a final opportunity to up their game.

Re his Dsis sending her DC to stay, why doesn't your DP say 'you'll need to check with lowlights as she looks after them as much as me' or similar?

Force her to acknowledge your efforts rather than ignore.

^This.

It's a shame she didn't ask you first, but you're suddenly v popular and busy.
Your "D" P can look after them or say no.

They aren't bothered about upsetting you, dont be bothered in return. Tell her and your partner no the kids can't come to stay. Oh well if she is upset by it, she maybe shouldn't have had 3 if she cant be arsed looking after them.

Have the kids if you like spending time with them......not their fault their parent is unnecessarily unkind.
Stop all contact with his parents and sister, don't host anything at anytime, let your husband travel to see them on his own and put them out of your mind, if you do see them, be polite until it's time to go them out them out of your mind again.

For starters i would not be looking after her kids. If DP wants to then he can but there is no way i would go out of my way or day to cook, clean or entertain them. I'm guessing you do this presently. 2nd i wouldn't answer their texts to baby sit. They can go through DP. Don't be someone's donkey to enable them to like you. It should come naturally.

How does this work? Has your DP booked annual leave? How old? How did DP arrange the dates with you?

Im not into being the 'bigger person'. Expect respect and consideration from your DP and SIL. Don't be her doormat. Even if he wants to be.

I hope if my partners sister criticised me unfairly he'd stop her. Not report it back to me.

I don't buy "the kids asked" either. That's to gullt trip your DP.

He needs to just go back and say that having checked he realises the dates don't work. If she suggests other dates they don't either. What a shame looks like it isn't going to happen this summer!

Do you like them OP? They seem like they are not communicating with you well but you don't talk about your feelings towards them much. I assumed as I was reading your first post that you had kids too. You aren't obliged to have anyone else's children. They aren't your responsibility

Not just you.

Frankly I think families are toxic. We just all put up with it due to the "family" excuse.

I've been with DH for near 25 years. His family is big, he is one of 6 siblings all older than him. They have a weird dynamic.

You cannot say anything negative about them. You cannot question their behaviour. You cannot voice when you think they're being unreasonable or ignorant or rude.

We have 2 DCs, and if you asked the SILs how old they are or interests, they wouldn't have a clue. They barely bother with their birthdays. If we want to interact with family, all effort is made by us.

It's my big birthday party soon, held back by Covid. Invites sent out months back. No response from any of his sisters. Yet a family mate is having a party in October and they're all getting to that and are planning hotels and all sorts. No doubt DH will be roped in to transport them from the station.

He is a mug. And it pissed me off.

It's to the point of DH and I being on the verge of divorce and I cannot put up with his weak behaviour towards their attitude. They treat me with contempt and always have. They sideline me. They have little gatherings and meet ups and I never get invited. Then we had the time they all organised a family Christmas meal out on Christmas Day and we weren't invited. They didn't think we would want to come apparently but didn't actually ask.

Yet DH blindly acts like they're the best thing ever.

I hate them. Actually fully hate them and after another thing the last month where DH is acting like a sap and minimising their behaviour I've told him them or me and DCs. I think he will likely pick them. That's just what they're like. I've seen it with two other ex in laws and countless partners.

It's weird. But it's not your fault OP. It's them.

This^^ except you do not need to bother giving an excuse

But why would you invite any of them to your big birthday

Because it's expected of me to.

They won't come but I'd get grief if I didn't. Because they will make some bullshit excuse up for why they're busy that day. They always do.

I was half surprised they even showed up when we got married frankly.

Its better in your situation to not bother with them at all because the result will always be the same,they are just not nice people

I agree and I'd I had my way I would cut them off but as I say, weird dynamic and sap DH who just acts of I'm at fault and they're wonderful.

It's almost like I want to scream at him sometimes but he is literally deaf and blind to it all. His excuse is they 'get on with their own lives" yet they go away on holidays together, go out for meals and events and all manner of shit we never get to hear about until the photos are on Facebook.

One of his sisters I would happily slap. I've been close to it a few times. But she has no self awareness of how nasty she can be. She is a huge bully.

Op..

I would say, no.

That will cause a huge shock.

No.

Why?

Because I'm doing a lot of grunt work and caring for these children but I'm not getting one word of recognition for it.

Op they want like you whatever you do and I don't think it's healthy for people to subjugate themselves like this..

Stand up for yourself..

Say no and say why.

Apparently I've changed your brother for the worst,no one includes me kn the family but I'm your unpaid and most importantly unthanked baby sitter.

How can your partner watch you in this position?? How??

He should be saying to his sister, enough..

Some flowers, card anything you could have given.... but you have ignored her.

No more free child care

You are very silly to be used for childcare for someone so rude.

I certainly wouldn't do it.
If he wants to do it, leave him to it.

Use the time to visit family or a friend and make it clear that you will be doing this in future.

You are being a mug here.

Op,if you keep bowing to them you will only wind up resenting yourself