Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think in-laws don't like me?

74 replies

lowlights · 05/08/2022 17:38

DP and I have been together 5 years, lived together for 3. He is an integral part of my family.

DP has a small and close family with parents and 1 sister who is married with 3 kids. No one lives close by so there's a lot of family group chats on social media/WhatsApp etc. these often include random and remote cousins and the like and sister's husband. Never once have I been added. Messages I send to his parents are read but unanswered. Yet when I see them they seem to like me (he says they love me) but it certainly doesn't feel like it. He agrees message issue is rude and raised it with them before but nothing changed.

Since we've lived together his sister has sent kids to stay in holidays (we live in coastal tourist area). Kids are lovely and I like them very much. Not once has she thanked me for looking after them. She thanks DP but not me. Last year his sister told him that since we'd been together he'd changed for the worse. He did pull her up on this and she apologised saying he'd misconstrued. No apology was made to me. I've not had any contact since (but have had kids again without any thanks)

This morning he told me she was sending kids for a few days. I proceeded to ask why, when sister clearly doesn't seem to like me, I'm expected to care for her kids (I'd never say no to the kids). He is exasperated with me and says he doesn't know what I want him to do. I truth I don't know what I want him to do. He can't make them like me. His family don't have any contact with his exW and I wasn't a factor in their divorce years ago so it's not that I'm the other woman. It just feels like an uphill struggle of me -v- his family and I'm not sure how to resolve or what I can do. He agrees somewhat with my issues and says they don't treat him much better either but wants me to be the bigger person.

How would you manage this?

OP posts:
mbosnz · 05/08/2022 18:51

'The kids have asked to stay'? Oh, I'm pretty sure this is the line my parents pedalled when palming me off onto whoever the hell would take me.

Don't fall for it. It's just as easy to decline. No, I'm afraid that is not convenient at this time.

FictionalCharacter · 05/08/2022 18:53

lowlights · 05/08/2022 17:49

I'm worried that saying no will give validation to her idea that I'm bad for him and interfering in his family relationships. I have a truly awful step mother who has sought to keep myself and siblings away from our dad so I'm extremely conscious of being accused of that.

They've been asked what issue is before but deny there is one whilst even DP agrees there is something amiss

I think the babysitting comes from the fact we don't have kids ourselves so we should be glad to spend time with them

It’s not just babysitting though. She’s sending them to stay for days at a time, which is completely different. And she isn’t thanking you, which is incredibly rude and not at all normal.

He’s asking you what you expect him to do. Well he could start by telling his sister that if she wants to send her kids for holidays in your home and expects you to look after them, it’s you she needs to ask, not him, and she needs to start being polite to you. That’s a minimum. He shouldn’t be accepting them on your behalf anyway if he doesn’t intend to look after them himself. He and his sister are both treating you like you’re his employee - worse than that actually.

He should then tackle the messaging issue. It’s not good enough for him to raise it with them (if he has) and just let it drop. They’re playing nasty spiteful games. He should be standing up for you properly and telling them this has to stop. He sounds very weak and unwilling to rock the boat. Is he afraid of his parents and his sister?

FictionalCharacter · 05/08/2022 18:57

MintJulia · 05/08/2022 18:38

Sounds like my family. I'd never contact my bils or my sil, when it's easier and quicker to send a note to my brother or sisters. It's just faster. No rudeness is intended.

The OP said “Messages I send to his parents are read but unanswered”. That’s nothing to do with convenience.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/08/2022 19:00

It’s not just babysitting though. She’s sending them to stay for days at a time, which is completely different. And she isn’t thanking you, which is incredibly rude and not at all normal.

But she thanks DP. If I said, "thanks for having us" to SIL, I'd assume BIL was included in that.

thisreallypissesmeoff · 05/08/2022 19:00

Ugh, my sisters in law are the same. They never acknowledge the presents I buy for their kids, so I never acknowledge what they buy for mine either, but I usually get a message questioning whether the gift has been received. Its a passive aggressive reminder for me to say thanks because Dh didn't botherGrin he dislikes them even more than I do and doesn't engage at all.
We only see them when we have to. I also reminded one of them recently(when she informed me otherwise) that if she and I fell out Dh would be firmly on my side. They are Three absolutely horrible women.
His parents are nice and they like me. I like them too so that's good. But he's the only boy so they go for days out etc and I'm always left out.
It used to sting but I don't want to spend my time with them so I don't care anymore.

Original poster
lowlights · 05/08/2022 19:03

MintJulia · 05/08/2022 18:38

Sounds like my family. I'd never contact my bils or my sil, when it's easier and quicker to send a note to my brother or sisters. It's just faster. No rudeness is intended.

See the way I see it if is if my brother and sister in law look after our dog (which they do often) I send the same WhatsApp to both thanking them. They've both played a part in that, they have both done me a favour and it's easy enough to add another addressee to a message.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 05/08/2022 19:14

And I don't. Although I do hate WhatsApp with a burning passion so there's that.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/08/2022 19:18

"He agrees somewhat with my issues and says they don't treat him much better either but wants me to be the bigger person."

Do you think they don't treat him much better, or is he just saying it to make you feel better?

Regardless, I am not big on 'better person'. I work on the basis of 'treat others as you would be treated'. So I will treat others as I wish them to treat me (nicely), and if they treat me disrespectfully I assume that is how they wish to be treated and will do so. And tell them that is what I am doing and why, should they have the balls to protest. Fuck 'bigger person'.

I'd be knocking the being the unpaid childcare on the head. 'No, that doesn't work for us.' I might relent occasionally, but SIL would be left in no doubt that I was doing her a massive fucking favour, as I suspect she thinks she's doing her childless brother a massive favour right now.

LadyScouse · 05/08/2022 19:19

Last year his sister told him that since we'd been together he'd changed for the worse.

Let me guess. Since he met you, he’s been happier but not as available to bend over backwards to indulge his sister and her brood?

Original poster
lowlights · 05/08/2022 19:21

LadyScouse · 05/08/2022 19:19

Last year his sister told him that since we'd been together he'd changed for the worse.

Let me guess. Since he met you, he’s been happier but not as available to bend over backwards to indulge his sister and her brood?

Absolutely that. She fails to recognise that large parts of the last 2 years have been spent in lockdown and therefore visits have been somewhat limited although I have pointed that out to DP

OP posts:
Goldbar · 05/08/2022 19:33

Primarily you have a DH problem, I think.

You say you like the kids? In your position, I would take them on one fab day out when they arrive - really push the boat out - and then plan a nice trip away that unfortunately coincides with the rest of their visit.

noirchatsdeux · 05/08/2022 19:38

I'd be tempted to reply "Well this is a good time for the kids to learn that asking isn't always getting".

No way on Earth would I be doing his bitch sister any favours after what she said to him last year.

ChubbyMorticia · 05/08/2022 19:42

Since nobody asked you, I’d tell my partner I’m not available to babysit. He can do as he likes, but I’d be busy out of the house or away for the weekend.

Threelittlelambs · 06/08/2022 11:07

Do either of you work or are you expected to take time off to have them?

Danoo · 06/08/2022 11:24

I agree with you, don't challenge them, it could be used against you. But stop texting them. If there's an issue that requires their response, your 'dp' can do it.

If his sister's DC are visiting, he can arrange that and be there for them, I'd take yourself off that week.

Try not to dwell on it though, easier to say than to live, i know.

Giraffesandbottoms · 06/08/2022 11:31

thisreallypissesmeoff · 05/08/2022 19:00

Ugh, my sisters in law are the same. They never acknowledge the presents I buy for their kids, so I never acknowledge what they buy for mine either, but I usually get a message questioning whether the gift has been received. Its a passive aggressive reminder for me to say thanks because Dh didn't botherGrin he dislikes them even more than I do and doesn't engage at all.
We only see them when we have to. I also reminded one of them recently(when she informed me otherwise) that if she and I fell out Dh would be firmly on my side. They are Three absolutely horrible women.
His parents are nice and they like me. I like them too so that's good. But he's the only boy so they go for days out etc and I'm always left out.
It used to sting but I don't want to spend my time with them so I don't care anymore.

That doesn’t sound the same st all - it sounds like in your sample neither you nor your DH have the manners to say thank you for gifts!

in this case the SIL is saying thank you to her brother!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 06/08/2022 11:32

Why cant your partner ask to be admin and add you to the group chat himself?

It doesnt sound as though they dont like you particularly, it sounds a mix of they are not interested in a relationship with you and the sister is very entitled and everyone in the family probably dances to her tune.

In your shoes I'd give up. They dont want a relationship with you only your husband so stop making the effort. With the kids, I'd book a trip away myself unless you want s relationship with them independent of their shitty family, in which case I'd continue to make the effort to look after them etc.

It does mean that you will need your partners support for family events. For example if I was you I'd say ok to spending every other xmas with his family if needed but I'd refuse to host, if he wants them to visit, since to them you are irrelevant then he can organise absolutely everything

Original poster
lowlights · 06/08/2022 12:43

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 06/08/2022 11:32

Why cant your partner ask to be admin and add you to the group chat himself?

It doesnt sound as though they dont like you particularly, it sounds a mix of they are not interested in a relationship with you and the sister is very entitled and everyone in the family probably dances to her tune.

In your shoes I'd give up. They dont want a relationship with you only your husband so stop making the effort. With the kids, I'd book a trip away myself unless you want s relationship with them independent of their shitty family, in which case I'd continue to make the effort to look after them etc.

It does mean that you will need your partners support for family events. For example if I was you I'd say ok to spending every other xmas with his family if needed but I'd refuse to host, if he wants them to visit, since to them you are irrelevant then he can organise absolutely everything

Thanks for your post. I think you're right and from parents perspective it's disinterest. They are fixated on DGC which is very much their right. I shall try and remain detached yet polite and leave them to crack on.

I know this is best path but at times, as yesterday, it does smack of a piss take. DP agrees but for some reason is not prepared to call out her poor behaviour, probably because in the eyes of the wider family she can do no wrong

OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 08/08/2022 23:48

Do you have anywhere you could go for a few days whilst the kids are staying with you? I feel in your shoes I would make a point of not being around or involved with them this time to kind of show that actually it’s not that easy for DP to have the 3 of them on their own and that your help has been missed.

StoneofDestiny · 09/08/2022 00:00

I'd knock the free babysitting on the head and instead suggest you all go somewhere for a day out together. If they say no to that you will know where you stand - but I'd not give them 'time off' their kids.
You are being used and emotionally blackmailed.
I'd not host events but would make an effort to attend theirs.
Your DP needs to shape up.

StoneofDestiny · 09/08/2022 00:03

the kids have asked to stay can be answered by a 'we have other plans already, but we can meet up with you all at......on......

ball in their court

frazzledasarock · 09/08/2022 00:08

Dip in and out according to what suits you.

if your SIL sends her kids over to you to babysit over the holidays, make plans to be not around a lot. Let your partner take care of the children they’re his family. Be polite and fun when you’re around but don’t do any grunt work.

for Christmas can you go to your family? If they come to you leave your partner to sort out house, food and gifts. Be polite and enjoy the fruits of his labour. His family and if he wants them there his responsibility put in the work.

I’d just not engage in any bits that are not pleasant or fun for you.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/08/2022 00:12

I'm worried that saying no will give validation to her idea that I'm bad for him and interfering in his family relationships.

This is how a doormat thinks. Stop being a doormat and stop looking after the children of someone who won't even show you basic respect.

Shinyandnew1 · 09/08/2022 00:13

You have a DH problem. My in laws are hard work but DH is aware of this 100% and won’t put up with any bullshit!

Arenanewbie · 09/08/2022 00:23

agree that you shouldn’t say no to kids coming. Your DP should do this. And he should only use ‘I’ , ‘me’ and ‘mine’ during this conversation e.g No, I’m really busy at work next week or I’ve got some plans fixed for my annual leave next week etc.
They want to deal with him only - they can have it.