to expect DH not to be annoyed by my anxieties and sadness?

[PinchOfPepper]

Hello mumsnetters. I need advice regarding men's emotional language.

Whenever I am worried or sad my husband seems to make weak attempts at comforting me/ convincing me that there's nothing to worry about, but if his words don't magically work by making my mood shift entirely he becomes instantly frustrated and complains that I worry too much.

Another frequent complaint of his that I shut him out when I am feeling like this, but how could I not? I get nothing resembling understanding or comfort from him. I don't feel safe exposing my feelings to him, because on top of whatever is worrying me, I then also have to handle his judgement of me and his suddenly sore feelings because a) I am excesively anxious and it's unreasonable (his words) and a burden to him (this is implied) and b) I isolate and don't rely on him enough (according to him, if I would, I wouldn't be so anxious). It's like me being sad makes him angry.

This attitude only leads to me isolating more from him—I literally hide from him when I am crying. I don't want or demand to be comforted if he's not capable of providing comfort, but I expect to at least be given space to process my feelings in peace without triggering his anger. The last thing I need when I am in that state is for someone else to make me feel inadequate. Is this unreasonable?

I just need to break out of this dynamics ASAP because it's hurting our relationship and our trust. I need to understand why he feels that way and how I am contributing to his feelings with my behaviour. Any tips?

FTR I don't want it to sound like I am having breakdowns all the time, but it is true that I am more anxious while he is more laid back. I think that the kind of stuff that makes me anxious or sad would make many women feel the same way (e.g. we got worrisome results during my last pregnancy ultrasound).

He's also a good, self-less, caring husband in general and we are very close. He has a bit of an anger issue, but that's for a different thread.

Thanks in advance for your input.

Have you got any girlfriends? The men in our lives can't meet all our needs.

Do you take anything for your anxiety.

It's hard to know who is BU here, supporting anxious people can be very draining and stressful, but you should feel supported and safe in your relationship. Would some couples therapy help you to find better channel for communication?

I was anxious a lot and I can imagine it’s very hard to deal with frequently because nothing anyone else says is going to make you feel better. You need to look at what help might be on offer that could help you manage. If you’re anxious a lot he may feel like he’s out of his depth and doesn’t know how to help you.

I read once that if you tell a women a problem she will sympathise and share your feelings. If you tell a man, he will try to fix it/give you a solution.

I think there’s a lot of truth in this. It could be your Dh is trying to fix you when you just want to share. So that’s why he gets annoyed when he feels you are rejecting his answer, and thus rejecting him. Some men have very fragile egos.

Perhaps state beforehand you don’t want a solution, you just want to unload/share some feelings. I sometimes would just state I was feeling sorry for myself before I took my self off to be alone.

It's hard to comment because you haven't really given any examples of situations that trigger sadness and anxiety or indicated the frequency of these episodes.

You clarify that you're not having breakdowns all the time but before that, state it's a "frequent complaint" from him that you shut him out, which makes it sound like this is something that happens regularly.

It really depends on how anxious you are.

My mum lurches from one anxiety to another, hyper focussing on them and then forgetting about them when she has something else to be anxious about. There is no point trying to allay her anxiety or sympathise because that just playing into it and to be honest its a massive burden of effort for something that never changes. She refuses to go to the GP because 'she is naturally an anxious person, she can't make herself unanxious, and everyone gets anxiety sometimes' and she refuses to accept that her anxiety levels are not normal.

So if you are having a lot of anxiety and not getting help then your DH may have a point.

If however you are having occasional anxiety around normal things people get anxious about (like your ultrasound results) and your DH isn't 'allowing' you to feel those feelings then that must be frustrating,

Unfortunately some people bring their children up not to cry, not to name their feelings and to not show their emotions and unfortunately that can lead to adults who cannot cope with anyone emotions.

You could suggest counselling. You could, as someone has suggested, speak to others more about these feelings if you have friends and family who would be more sympathetic, or you could have sole counselling so you have an outlet for your feelings. Or you could decide whether this is a deal breaker for you.

Seek therapy/medication for your anxiety.
As mentioned above, he could be finding it very draining

Can you speak to anyone professionally? You have my sympathies, but living with someone who is constantly anxious can be draining, if they are constantly ruminating. Men generally like to fix problems, IMO. Sounds like you need another additional outlet, or maybe see the GP.

What are you doing to overcome your anxieties? Someone else can only help to a point.

I have anxiety, I know it can be tough for others to live with that though because I know when I’m bad I can be a nightmare.

You cannot rely on another person to allay your anxieties.

What active steps have you taken to deal with your anxiety?

It seems others can wear their heart on a sleeve/share their emotions/want to be comforted etc, then there are those of us who genuinly don't understand it.

The idea that anyone would think I was sad/worried/anxious is just mortifying for me. It then makes it more difficult for to understand someone sharing an issue with me isn't looking to have it fixed immediately. Especially as I have a massive list of how to bottle things up and cope!! Probably not healthy but it works for me!

If you are anxious a lot and it impacts your mental health, then I don’t think your DH is being unreasonable. It sounds as though ‘words of comfort’ wouldn’t really help if this is happening very frequently.
You need to seek support for this if you are suffering, instead of expecting someone else to reassure you tbh
Also, it can be draining to live with and it could be that your DH is protecting his own energy which imo is fair enough

OK, so I can see both sides here.

I'm prone to anxiety and depression, and I do understand what you mean when you say he offers words of comfort and is then frustrated when that doesn't work. I have experienced that from the same position as you, and it is hard. There's nothing worse than being painfully miserable and being told to just stop being sad or to 'just don't worry about it'. I hear you. And then you have that added guilty feeling about your mood etc and it makes you feel worse.

However, it is also very frustrating to be on the other side - and I have been there too! When someone either tells you they are unhappy or worried (or doesn't tell you, but shows you through their behaviour/demeanour) and you try to be kind in response but then your attempts to offer comfort or advice or reassurance are rejected, you tend to wonder what exactly they really want from you. For the person in DH's position, it can feel a lot like this:

Person A: Everything is awful and I feel like shit.
Person B: Aw, don't worry, it will be OK - that awful thing really isn't bad and also think of all the lovely things we've got planned as well. You won't feel like shit forever.
Person A: You haven't made me feel better, everything is still awful.
Person B: Well ... how about doing this/that, so see if that helps, or thinking about it from a different perspective?
Person A: No, that won't help.
Person B: OK, well ... what can I do?
Person A: Nothing, either agree with me that everything's shit or fuck off and leave me alone.

Obviously that isn't exactly how it is! But it can absolutely feel like that from Person B's perspective and it can be very, very draining when someone is expressing anxieties all the time that are irrational and disproportionate, and is then annoyed when the other person won't pretend and nod along with them and say they're right to be worried. To Person B, it feels like they're being asked for help and then when they offer help, it's never good enough.

Person A might say 'Well, I just want Person B to listen to me'. But actually, Person B can't just keep listening and validating all the time and pretending that it's rational or normal to be anxious/depressed for no real reason. Subconsciously, Person A wants Person B to be anxious and depressed along with them so they feel less lonely - Person A probably isn't even aware of that feeling themselves, but it is there, and clearly Person B can't fulfil that wish.

So yes, it's very hard to be in your position and I sympathise. But it's also very hard to be the other person and be essentially told that every attempt you make to comfort someone is wrong.

I have gone through periods of being extremely anxious. I was quite frankly, a nightmare to be be around in my personal life. Draining and just generally difficult to deal with.

It is difficult when you’re in the thick of it in your own mind to remember that your behaviour/worries may not even make sense to others, never mind them be able to help you. They’re not professionals.

Is his ‘anger issue’ making you anxious by any chance?

There's no short cut. You need to go to counseling, individually and together. Are you near menopause?

'Get some therapy' is thrown around far too much on here, but this is one case in which I think couples therapy could make a massive and immediate difference.

If he is otherwise a good egg, it sounds like it could be a simple communication problem that spirals in situations like these.

Thanks for explaining this from your perspective(s).

I understand that trying to comfort someone who is down in the dumps can be absolutely draining, and it is not on him to make me feel better. I know I and only I own my feelings. However, it's the angry response that I don't get. I wish he'd just leave me alone and would not react emotionally to my emotional reaction about something that is completely unrelated to him. Is that even normal? I can't imagine myself getting ANGRY about the fact alone that he's sad or worried. If I lashed out at him, I would understand, but I don't. Sometimes I just crave some space to be alone and not feel like my feelings impact someone else.

To those who asked if I have family or friends I can rely on: yes I do, but the situation isn't ideal. My support net has seen better times though due to a number of circumstances—moving away from my hometown, some friends going through enough in their lives atm and I feel guilty to seek support from them, covid/ w@h straining budding relationships... For a while now I have an increasing feeling that people use me to unload their problems on me and don't give me enough conversational space to talk about my own stuff. I consider myself a good listener and I have always tried to make myself available specially to more introverted individuals because I know it can be hard for them, but lately I feel... exploited I guess would be the word. My friendships are not very rewarding. My family is great though.

I don't rely on my partner to fulfill all my emotional needs. I am often fine just sharing my thoughts with my family and a friend or two. However, if I have a bad day and what I consider to be a legit concern, like the ultrasound results, I expect my partner to "get" that I am sad. Simply that, just get it, not share the feeling, or say any words of comfort. I wish he'd just think "she's sad because of the ultrasound results and will be alright after she comes to terms with it" and that's it. Oh well.

To those who asked what am I doing to manage my anxieties: I started seeing a therapist a little over a month ago but she's not available at the moment. I'm hoping to book another session after the summer. It's tough because my hormones are all over the place with the pregnancy but I do not jump from anxiety to anxiety like someone commented. It's just that I feel more vulnerable and so many things can wrong during a pregnancy. I would assume that a little anxiety is normal. Usually I am just relaxing and focusing on preparing the nursery, so nothing insane.

I said his complaint was "frequent" because we've been together for a long time, so we've been through this many times over an extended period. It doesn't mean that it happens often, but that I can predict his reaction based on my experience.

Anyways, thanks to all for your words, really appreciate it.

I think this is really worth sorting out before the baby arrives. It may be that you need different techniques to manage anxiety, and it is definitely the case that he needs to stop reacting with anger so quickly. Couples counselling I reckon. Best of luck.

So when you’re sad he gets angry at you essentially?

not ok.

As someone else said, men like to fix problem so he is probably feeling a bit helpless and out of control as he knows that nothing he can say can magically fix the problem. Unfortunately, he is not very good at handling that helplessness and it is turning into frustration.
Not OK on his part, of course, however, (serious question, not meant to sound nasty) what is that you want him to do when you are upset?
It sounds like you've got into a loop of this behaviour, maybe some counselling would help, at least if it can tease out more about what you expect from him.

I really think you should consider counselling together

It sounds like he needs to find ways to articulate around emotions better in order to deal with both his and your emotion better

And you discussing your emotions in a neutral place with a trained counsellor on hand may help him hear what you are saying better and may help you frame conversations in a way that is more conducive (I'm not saying you are doing it wrong, but everyone has communication styles and learning to adapt both of your styles to come to a mutually favorable way may be beneficial)

My suster has anxiety and its just one thing after another. It's exhausting and I don't even live with her. Something happened late in the evening earlier in the week. A bit if a problem thar I sorted. My sister read into it all sorts of dire possibilities for it happening. I then had to talk her down and reassure her by which time I'm starting to think maybe shes right! And I got a bit cross with her because she'd started to affect my equilibrium.
I don't think this is your husband's problem. It's yours. You need help to learn how to assess the reality of your anxieties and how to handle dealing with them in a timely and effective manner. You need to learn to self soothe rather than requiring someone else to soothe you.

Being someone's emotional support can be draining

And when you're drained and tired you can maybe not act the way you'd like to all the time

You need to find a more suitable outlet, are you in therapy?

I really agree that couples counselling could have huge benefits here. Even one session.

It's not just a man thing BTW - I'm a "fixer" and when someone is sad or anxious, I feel it's my responsibility to solve. If I can't solve it I feel frustrated and have in the past been quite snappy with the poor person who was coming to me for support ☹️

I learned to stop trying to fix "the thing" and instead use reflective language like "it sounds like you feel very isolated" etc (rather than "well, I'd have told him to go fuck himself!")

I would then ask "what would you like to do? Do you want to talk some more, or shall we watch a bit of telly or go for a walk?"

Do you think your dh would be receptive if you suggested this strategy to him?