to expect DH not to be annoyed by my anxieties and sadness?

[PinchOfPepper]

Hello mumsnetters. I need advice regarding men's emotional language.

Whenever I am worried or sad my husband seems to make weak attempts at comforting me/ convincing me that there's nothing to worry about, but if his words don't magically work by making my mood shift entirely he becomes instantly frustrated and complains that I worry too much.

Another frequent complaint of his that I shut him out when I am feeling like this, but how could I not? I get nothing resembling understanding or comfort from him. I don't feel safe exposing my feelings to him, because on top of whatever is worrying me, I then also have to handle his judgement of me and his suddenly sore feelings because a) I am excesively anxious and it's unreasonable (his words) and a burden to him (this is implied) and b) I isolate and don't rely on him enough (according to him, if I would, I wouldn't be so anxious). It's like me being sad makes him angry.

This attitude only leads to me isolating more from him—I literally hide from him when I am crying. I don't want or demand to be comforted if he's not capable of providing comfort, but I expect to at least be given space to process my feelings in peace without triggering his anger. The last thing I need when I am in that state is for someone else to make me feel inadequate. Is this unreasonable?

I just need to break out of this dynamics ASAP because it's hurting our relationship and our trust. I need to understand why he feels that way and how I am contributing to his feelings with my behaviour. Any tips?

FTR I don't want it to sound like I am having breakdowns all the time, but it is true that I am more anxious while he is more laid back. I think that the kind of stuff that makes me anxious or sad would make many women feel the same way (e.g. we got worrisome results during my last pregnancy ultrasound).

He's also a good, self-less, caring husband in general and we are very close. He has a bit of an anger issue, but that's for a different thread.

Thanks in advance for your input.

I don't get the answers to this thread whasoever.

1. He sounds very scary when he is angry, the angry driving is awful and him banging about, that's emotional abuse. You also say he's learned not to grab you by the arms when he's angry- but he shouldn't have been doing that in the first place.
2. The example you give of being anxious and upset about a potential problem in a scan seems to be an entirely normal thing to be anxious and upset about. Crying is normal, and a little tear or two is something your partner should not get angry about. I've always cried from time to time and would be very upset if my partner didn't allow that through their frustration.

You do not sound to me like you have an anxiety disorder, but you have a very intense relationship in which you have an explosive and occasionally violent (not to you but to objects) partner, this is increasing your anxiety as when you are 'good' he doesn't get upset, but when you point out he's wrong or you get upset yourself his reaction is anger.

I don't think that counselling is indicated for this, i would get therapy yourself (which you are doing) and work out if you want to be around an angry man with a small baby.

It sounds like you think you’re entitled to have emotions and he’s not entitled to have any… why is your right to be sad somehow more important than his right to be annoyed?

But he's annoyed she is telling him she's sad? Do you not see the difference? It's not something happens to them both and one feels angry and one sad. He's literally annoyed she has feelings.

My partner cannot stand it if I'm upset - it deeply upsets and concerns him and he just wants to try and fix it (even if it's unfixable). It's the same when I'm ill- he's extremely caring and looks after me, but goes into overdrive trying to find solutions. It's a bit annoying, but it comes from a place of love. I'd perhaps get some support for your anxiety, but also communicating to him (when you're feeling in a good place) is best.

There is a lot here but a couple of things caught my eye:

"I wish he'd just leave me alone and would not react emotionally to my emotional reaction about something that is completely unrelated to him."

"Sometimes I just crave some space to be alone and not feel like my feelings impact someone else."

These seem to me as if you feel you should be allowed to experience and react to your emotions, but he should accept you doing so while demonstrating no emotional reactions himself.

Hi Emerald, thanks for your kind words. I agree that pregnancy can be scary and definitely harder to handle if you have anxiety. I am pretty proud of myself for not letting things get out of control during this complicated stage, but of course from time to time I let my guard down.

Yes, his reaction definitely comes from a childhood habit. He has a weird dynamic with his mother. They are both very stubborn and I believe she only added fuel to the fire whenever they had an argument instead of descalating and teaching him how to manage frustration. Nowadays I can see that she does stuff which she knows he finds annoying or disrespectful, he lashes out at her, she sulks for a minute and they never talk about it. Lather, rinde, repeat. Anything but acknowledging boundaries and respecting them. They don't have the best relationship.

Hi amicissima. I understand how this seems ironic, but the difference is I do not direct my anger at him, nor is the reason behind my sandness anything he has said or done. I believe that makes a huge difference.

If he for example has had a rough day at work I do not think that he's being overly dramatic. I cook something nice for dinner and offer my support or company if he wants it. I try not to become another burden on top of everything. Does that make sense? I understand if he feels anxious when I am anxious, but it would be kind to just give me some space to process my emotions.

I am aware that anxiety creates an atmosphere in the house like someone else already pointed out and I can't insulate him entirely, but having to hide in a room to cry due to fear of his reaction seems inadequate. After all, he's my partner.

By saying that I am not saying that his reaction is always anger. Sometimes it's frustration, sadness, hopelessness.

I don't understand in what way I do the "exact same thing as him and expect him not to react", though. What am I missing?

You said you isolate at times or withdraw from him which could feel really hurtful to him. Not that you should be forcing yourself to do things which feel wrong for you, but it sounds like life may feel very up and down to him at times. And I read something about your saying things in the moment that you were not proud of.

If you do not feel at risk from him, a couples counsellor may help you both with your communication, so you can both feel heard and understood and help you develop strategies so that he does not feel he is repeating himself and you feel you understand what is going on. Even if he is not open to going, once you have looked at your own anxiety and sensitivity, you could do some counselling about your relationship.

However, if you have felt endangered, be careful about couples counselling. It can make things worse.

As I said originally, it is hard to tell exactly what is going on when you do not perceive love or feel he is angry, but from long experience, I do know that people with anxiety will often tell you that you are feeling something that you are not, or they seem to make a big deal of (like, you are mildly annoyed and they describe it as enraged) and this is exhausting. You can end up feeling as if you are walking on eggshells, everything is constantly over-analysed and over thought, and it feels like the other person is trying to make you responsible for what is going on in their head. It can be a way for the person with anxiety to feel more certain of things, but it can easily go too far and become an issues.

I do wish you the best in your treatment - I hope it helps you sort through things and find some happiness.

Hello 2bazookas, and thanks for the reply.

I tried to explain why I don't rely on him. I used to, but I ended up getting hurt. Would you be vulnerable with someone if you knew that what you're sharing will trigger his frustration? And then you'd also have to deal with that as well as whatever is worrying you or making you sad.

I have people in my life with whom I can be vulnerable and they don't always agree with me—they have no problem pointing out that I am worrying excessively or that I should get out more or whatever. I usually end up agreeing with them and they offer a different perspective and there's still a safe space for communication.

With him, however, I find that opening up can be more mentally taxing that dealing with whatever I'm feeling on my own.

I know that in a way he reacts emotionally because our relationship is more intense than any given friendship. But still I wish we would improve in that area.

Honestly I think the onus is on you to be able to deal with your mental health issues. And you say it’s being going on for years on and off, but it seems you didn’t seek medical help till recently and even then it was pretty limited, just wanted everyone to support you with it, I don’t think this is fair. It’s ok to seek support when you’re proactively dealing with it too, but it’s primarily your job

you cannot complain your husband doesn’t support you correctly when you yourself don’t support yourself at all

Sadly I think you are both going to make each other miserable until you do split up.

Right, wrong, or indifferent, you both seem to be bad for each other. At the end of the day is it worth trying to figure out who is more wrong?

From your update about his anger issues - that behaviour from him is not OK, whether you have anxiety or not. Scary driving, yelling and banging doors is really aggressive. I really think you both need therapy, but if he won’t go that leaves you stuck.

Shouting, hitting walls, banging doors etc is all considered domestic abuse. Because that it is so often how full scale physical physical abuse starts off. Nobody goes from being a reasonable person to being one who punches their partner in the face, there are marker behaviours along the way to that.

It is no wonder you’re feeling anxious if that is what you’re living with.

You need to leave for your own safety, as much as your mental health.

I have come back to this thread and re read your posts a second time and I am going to retract my suggestion of joint therapy.

I get the sense that you are actually downplaying your DH's anger and actions that stem from that anger

I am not saying with certainty you are in an abusive relationship, but given joint therapy is contraindicated in an abusive relationship I'm not sure my advice was the right advice as I am not sure how much minimising is unintentionally happening.

You definitely should continue to see your own therapist, I would suggest having frank conversations with them about your husbands behaviour and get their take on his actions.

I was going to say this...men are from Mars, Women are from Venus!

He needs to take responsibility for
changing his behaviour.

It'll be a long road unless he nips his behaviour.

He doesn't realise how difficult he'll make things when you eventually stop leaning on him at all.

His place will be lost.

It's easy to blame everything on your anxiety it helps him avoid his own faults.

I have an anxious 16 year old, and it's exhausting. I'm a single mum, but if I one day find a partner, he couldn't have anxiety. Nor could I live with anyone else who has anxiety.
Sorry OP, I do sympathise, but sometimes the buck stops with us.