To feel I should be allowed personal things kept personal

[Heatherhazel]

Last night my husband and I had a difference of opinion and its unsettled me a bit.
I might be totally wrong and please tell me of I am.
First I was waiting for the shower and naked and culed in a ball on the bed watching something on my phone and he came out of the shower and jumped on top of me. My legs and arms were beneath me and he put his hands round me and startedd squeezing my boobs I told him to stop. But he kept on I couldn't move and felt really helpless.
I told him after I was disspointed he didn't stop when I told him to but he said its just boobs and it would be like me touching his nipple... 😒
Anyway we lay in bed later and he was asking me if I masterbate at all. How often. Where. What do I think of. I told him I felt uncomfortable and that if like to keep it private but he said he is my husband and should know.
Aibu or uptight?

I'm sorry, this.

You asked him to stop and he didn't. You have a right to be naked in your own home without being groped. You have every right to feel angry, betrayed, violated etc. None of this is your fault, it is his. You being naked was not an open invitation. Has this happened before?

I’ve not voted as I do think if you’re a couple then it’s important to be open about masturbation and things.

There's a difference between open and then being intrusive and behaving like you have a right to know everything about someone's private moments and not respecting their boundaries and OPs dh seems to fall into the latter.

I had a boyfriend who did the grabbing thing and would pretend he didn't know I was being serious telling him to stop, eveb with me telling him when I say stop or no, it means stop or no and he'd "forget" and just do it again next time.

He'd do the same for sex, especially if I laid away from him, he'd grind into my back, be told to stop because I have an early morning and am going to sleep and then five minds later he'd be trying to "tickle" my pubic area and get huffy and shitty if I moved his hand because he found the stroking my pubic area "relaxing".

He ask me masturbation questions like this and it felt very intrusive, he'd ask at weird times like when I was reading a book, or washing up, I'd answer some of his questions because when I'd said I'd rather not he said "good" relationships are fully open about this stuff and share what they think about, and he'd even said the fact I was so hesitant to tell him what I thought about during masturbations makes him think I was fa at asking about real life men or "had something to hide" He hated the thought of me using a vibrator without him too.

This is a made up example, but let's say I'd said my fantasy was with a waiter in an empty restaurant, if I so much as smiled at a waiter on a meal out he'd get very annoyed and ask if I'm sat there getting wet thinking about said waiter fucking my brains out. That type of stuff. He had this weird idea of "saving" my orgasms for him and if I masturbate when he was away then I'd not enjoy sex as much when he came back home.

I've been married over 20 years now to a totally different type of man and have never had my husband behave like he has some kind of right to know my private thoughts, we can talk about masturbation in a respectful way and if I'd said I don't want to talk about that then he respects that. When I say "I don't like being pinned down or jumped on" he doesn't forget and keep going when he's been asked to stop. I also don't have him asking if I'm getting wet watching a neighbours house burn down because I've said I like a fireman's uniform.

@Alfenstein

There's lots of things people do that are represented in the media.

It doesn't make them right.

The awful stereotypes of coquettish women who need coaxing into sex, squealing no when they mean yes need to stop.

Your beliefs are damaging to men and women.

No one has mentioned being coaxed into sex except you

Some people like a bit of playfulness in their relationships

The words no and stop don't have a standard meaning regardless of context or tone: just like every other word in the English language

Thanks for all the replies. Just wanted to hear people's opinion so thank you

Isn’t this pretty normal? It can be a turn on to discuss masturbating with a partner and even doing it together.

but that’s beside the point, because it isn’t what happened here. He should’ve respected you saying no and stopped manhandling you. If he is generally a sex pest (and I’m going to assume there’s a high chance he is) then I can see why this is not the kind of relationship in which you’d want to discuss masturbation.

Errrm, no, i don’t think this is normal or healthy. If I told someone to stop I would mean stop, and they should stop. Unless there is a pre-agreed non-consensual kink that has been discussed at length beforehand with safe words etc, I would expect someone to say stop if I said stop, and I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.

Would it help if you discussed a random safe word, like yellow. If you say : no, yellow, that means that any going on after that phrase is sexual assault. Spell that out for him. Also, if he does keep assaulting you seriously think about leaving him. That means that he doesn't love you, only wants to use you.

She has done this already. When he always says he didn't think she was serious she has told him she is and that when she says stop he needs to stop immediately. She's essentially told him her safe word is stop and he pretends says he didn't realise she was serious and continues to keep her pinned down, groping and grabbing here while she's naked beneath him and couldn't see why she was upset because it's just boobs.

If he's ignoring her when she she's clearly told him stop means she wants him to stop why would he listen and respect her saying "stop yellow" he shouldn't need anymore words, it's not a mutually consensual act which what safe words are for, safe words are for kinks like BDSM, dominations stuff, or edgy role play type stuff where both parties are respectful of each other's boundaries before introducing them, safe words are used with someone you already trust to stop, and as this man has shown, he doesn't.

Op doesn't like she want to pretends her no and stop means yes. She wants him to stop when she says stops and has told him that.

@Alfenstein she then says sterner.

It is ok to like playfulness in your relationship that is fine. Everyone is allowed to have boundaries and different lines in the sand. As long as it is respected that is fine.

Any situation where you are made to feel helpless is not ok

Well you certainly don't have the first clue that a woman has any rights to bodily autonomy.
OP said she said stop 7 or 8 times and you think it's play?
Christ in heaven.

@entropynow

Maybe read comments before replying to them in future

No one said the op isn't allowed body autonomy

I was replying to someone claiming this was rape or attempted rape

It is not

Christ almighty

At which point he stopped

@Alfenstein
You imagine you're an oh so sophisticated grown up lecturing us all on how to loosen up.
You're not. OP clearly describes an unwanted assault and you are actively and repeatedly miscasting it.
Talk about worrying. That's your posts btw

Who said to loosen up?

Do you think touching your wife's boob is rape?

As I was merely replying to someone making an incorrect claim when you jumped on my comment.

Which I have reported

I've read all your posts and there's a pattern, so knock off the disingenuous "who me"?

It’s entirely up to you, me and my DH have never discussed it. I wouldn’t object if he raises it but just don’t think it’s necessary to discuss and tbh I think it might spoil the illusion if he told me in such detail!

Other people might like to discuss it - that’s up them.

You are clearly uncomfortable with what happened so YANBU. However I cannot fathom marrying someone who I am not comfortable grabbing my boobs or discussing masturbation with. Yes, I do at times get irritated with DH coping a feel, and he does stop when asked, but he also gets annoyed occasionally when I slap his arse. I just can't imagine being married to someone I was not absolutely 100% comfortable with.

Eh? We’ve been happily married nearly 30 years, we don’t discuss when we masturbate or what we think about whilst doing so !

Would you be ok to be lying down and him jumping on you so you couldnt move? That is different from playfully grabbing boobs when coming out of a shower.

This all seems like power moves to me - context is importnat

She clearly states she didn't say it playfully.

If my DP told me to stop touching him without a smile or playfulness, I would immediately stop. As would any normal human who respects other people's boundaries.

Your DH stops when asked

Would you be ok with him continuing to grope you of you told him to stop? Would you be ok with him pinning you down to do it and not listening when you said no? Do you grope your husband even when he doesn't want to?

sounds like a very new relationship so just bin him off then. He has different ideas on boundaries and he's not respecting yours. It's important to find these things out early on YANBU