Page 2 | To feel I should be allowed personal things kept personal

Heatherhazel · 2022-08-05T07:06:32+00:00

Last night my husband and I had a difference of opinion and its unsettled me a bit. I might be totally wrong and please tell me of I am. First I was waiting for the shower and naked and culed in a ball on the bed watching something on my phone and he came out of the shower and jumped on top of me. My legs and arms were beneath me and he put his hands round me and startedd squeezing my boobs I told him to stop. But he kept on I couldn't move and felt really helpless. I told him after I was disspointed he didn't stop when I told him to but he said its just boobs and it would be like me touching his nipple... 😒 Anyway we lay in bed later and he was asking me if I masterbate at all. How often. Where. What do I think of. I told him I felt uncomfortable and that if like to keep it private but he said he is my husband and should know. Aibu or uptight?

35965a · 05/08/2022 09:20

This reply has been deleted

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That’s what stop means, it does literally mean get off me now.

Alfenstein · 05/08/2022 09:24

@35965a

It's really not, have you never had loads of compliments and said 'oh stop stop' and it's clearly not a case of stop but please continue but I can't seem to be liking it too much.

Or someone interrupting a task by kissing your neck and making a move, and saying 'stop' but really not meaning it. You're more saying it to remind yourself you're working you can't bugger off and have sex.

The fact you see in black and white is very concerning for a grown adult. The word stop will have different implications depending on tone and context.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 05/08/2022 09:29

@Alfenstein in the examples you use if someone says stop you should stop, instantly, that way there is no blurring of lines. Personally I never say stop when I mean carry on, that's just twattery doing otherwise

35965a · 05/08/2022 09:29

Alfenstein · 05/08/2022 09:24

@35965a

It's really not, have you never had loads of compliments and said 'oh stop stop' and it's clearly not a case of stop but please continue but I can't seem to be liking it too much.

Or someone interrupting a task by kissing your neck and making a move, and saying 'stop' but really not meaning it. You're more saying it to remind yourself you're working you can't bugger off and have sex.

The fact you see in black and white is very concerning for a grown adult. The word stop will have different implications depending on tone and context.

When it comes to body autonomy it is black and white. No and stop means no and stop. A man sexually assaulting a woman and having to tell him 7 or 8 times to get off is black and white. I find it concerning that anyone could excuse it.

Alfenstein · 05/08/2022 09:30

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 05/08/2022 09:29

@Alfenstein in the examples you use if someone says stop you should stop, instantly, that way there is no blurring of lines. Personally I never say stop when I mean carry on, that's just twattery doing otherwise

Another black and white thinker

MN users seem to over index on this tbh

Have you never seen this play out, on films, tv shows even if you don't do it irl?

An 'oh stop' in a flirty and light tone is very different to a stern 'stop'

Tone is key, the fact you don't understand that is wild

CallOnMe · 05/08/2022 09:30

I’ve not voted as I do think if you’re a couple then it’s important to be open about masturbation and things.
It’s nothing to be embarrassed about and it’s very natural but it’s ok if you don’t want to tell him every single detail about it.

The hugging thing would annoy me because of how many times you said to stop.

If I had said stop but laughing with it then my DP would probably carry on thinking I’m being silly.
But if I said can you stop in a normal tone then he’d jump straight off without question.
If I’d said it twice then he’d definitely get off - every man I’ve been with would.

Alfenstein · 05/08/2022 09:33

@35965a

Except it's not black and white

Tone and context matter

Someone telling you to stop doing something you're allowed to do, such as park in a disabled parking space while having a blue badge. That stop should be ignored.

Someone saying oh stop in a light or playful tone doesn't usually mean stop right not you abusive dick

It's so odd you've never encountered anyone using stop in a playful context, have you never seen a roast where people are laughing so much and the host says 'oh stop stop' meaning keep laughing I love it. Or someone saying stop as in I can't, not I don't want?

Your life experience seems very limited

Dreamstate · 05/08/2022 09:41

I doubt he intentionally pinned you down by how your describing the situation, your in bed curled up, did he 'jump' on you from behind because thats the only way I see how you could of said you were pinned down. Or did he come to you front on and literally hled our arms and legs down.

If its he came from behind its a bit much to say he pinned you do when its just the way you were already situated. Bit like if you were standing up and a guy came up from behind.

Obviously asking him to stop he should of stopped so I am not going to say he was right.

He can ask questions, you don't have to tell him but again if your married this is the one person surely that you can be free and open with to a certain degree if not fully. So i find that odd.

Subbaxeo · 05/08/2022 09:44

I may live in a different world but if my DH jumped on me and started squeezing my breasts when I was lying naked on the bed, I wouldn’t regard this as sexual assault! Even if I told him a few time to get off! Isnt it just normal, playful behaviour between spouses? Irritating and annoying yes but hardly assault. Unless there is a backstory here where he has a history of overriding her wishes? And it’s not that unusual for someone to talk about intimate subjects with your spouse-you wouldn’t discuss masturbation with a colleague but if you can’t discuss with your spouse, who can you discuss with? I understand many people are not comfortable at all with discussing it and that’s fine but it’s not a red card offence from her DH-unless of course there’s something else.

10HailMarys · 05/08/2022 09:45

Everything about your post suggests that this is part of a wider pattern of behaviour.

What you are really asking isn't 'Should I be allowed to keep personal things personal?', is it?

You're really asking 'Should my husband be repeatedly doing sexual stuff to me that I hate after I have asked him to stop, and then dismissing my concerns afterwards by telling me he's allowed to do what he wants because he's my husband, and then gaslighting me into thinking I'm making a fuss about nothing?'

Your example about the masturbation conversation probably wouldn't sound like a big deal in isolation; a sexy chat about that kind of thing would be really normal in a lot of healthy relationships. But it's very obvious that yours is very much not a healthy relationship, and there is an awful lot more going on than this. It's obvious that your husband doesn't allow you any privacy or control over your own body - that is the problem here. He doesn't respect any of your boundaries or autonomy, basically.

It's a bit like when someone posts 'AIBU to be annoyed that my DH was late for my birthday dinner?' and then it transpires that they were late because, for the 50th time, they were busy doing heroin in an underpass.

Original poster

Heatherhazel · 05/08/2022 09:47

Didn't say it in a playful manner. Maybe a tired or frustrated manner to start with and then sterner.

OP posts:

MisgenderedPaul · 05/08/2022 09:47

This thread is about the OP.

Are you okay? How is he normally, are you happy with him?

newbiename · 05/08/2022 09:49

Flaunch · 05/08/2022 08:42

How are you married to someone you haven’t discussed masturbation with?

Not everyone wants to talk about it ??

OverrunWithPigeons · 05/08/2022 10:01

Isnt it just normal, playful behaviour between spouses? if OP had reacted positively and playfully then fine, but she told him to Stop and he didn't. I'm a bit aghast at the various "Oh it's fine, your husband can do what he likes otherwise you're uptight" comments.

Quartz2208 · 05/08/2022 10:14

@Alfenstein in this instance he jumped on her, she said stop 7 or 8 times and she ended up feeling helpless.

You are right everyone has boundaries - the important thing is in any relationship is to know what those boundaries are - what is playful and what isnt. It is an entirely personal thing.

He also jumped on her to the point she couldnt move - none of your examples have that.

You are right tone and context matter - both here (her stern tone and the fact she was unable to move and felt helpless) mean it was assault

JenniferBarkley · 05/08/2022 10:18

You asked him to stop touching your breasts, and he didn't.

That's all you need to know, and all you need to focus on. Best of luck OP

Topgub · 05/08/2022 10:24

@Alfenstein

And that's why we need to stop teaching kids that sex is something women have to be coaxed and coerced into.

That women really mean yes when they say no.

Its so damaging

No / stop does and should mean exactly that.

Nothing from the op has indicated she didn't mean what she said.

LaPerduta · 05/08/2022 10:25

Heatherhazel · 05/08/2022 09:01

He obviously did stop eventually but I had to say it around 7 or 8 times and really shout. He said he would have stopped straught away if I'd been serious

Oh, he's one of those. 🙄Claims not to have realised he was hurting you and/or making you feel uncomfortable, despite you telling him multiple times. He'll probably now claim he just wanted to be "spontaneous" or some such bullshit.

Triffid1 · 05/08/2022 10:34

Amazing how @Alfenstein seems to think s(he?) knows that you weren't saying "stop" firmly enough. If I'm naked, and I say stop, unless I'm laughing hysterically while saying "stop" then I think it's pretty clear that stop means stop. And you are just perpetuating these ridiculous ideas that no really means yes. OP was uncomfortable. Her HUSBAND should know her well enough to know the tone of her voice when she says no in such a situation. DH is a bit of a cuddler/groper but he is very very finely tuned to me and even if I'm not actively saying no, he can pick up immediately if I'm not into it and stops. OP's husband is clearly not interested in actually listening to her actual words, never mind her more subtle signals.

OP - is this a regular thing? Because I agree with other posters... it feels like the tip of the iceberg.

Notanotherwindow · 05/08/2022 10:37

I thought it was illegal to marry a 12 year old?

Alfenstein · 05/08/2022 10:57

Triffid1 · 05/08/2022 10:34

Amazing how @Alfenstein seems to think s(he?) knows that you weren't saying "stop" firmly enough. If I'm naked, and I say stop, unless I'm laughing hysterically while saying "stop" then I think it's pretty clear that stop means stop. And you are just perpetuating these ridiculous ideas that no really means yes. OP was uncomfortable. Her HUSBAND should know her well enough to know the tone of her voice when she says no in such a situation. DH is a bit of a cuddler/groper but he is very very finely tuned to me and even if I'm not actively saying no, he can pick up immediately if I'm not into it and stops. OP's husband is clearly not interested in actually listening to her actual words, never mind her more subtle signals.

OP - is this a regular thing? Because I agree with other posters... it feels like the tip of the iceberg.

The OP admits herself she didn't say it firmly

As expected

Alfenstein · 05/08/2022 10:58

Topgub · 05/08/2022 10:24

@Alfenstein

And that's why we need to stop teaching kids that sex is something women have to be coaxed and coerced into.

That women really mean yes when they say no.

Its so damaging

No / stop does and should mean exactly that.

Nothing from the op has indicated she didn't mean what she said.

What an odd comment

Have you never even seen someone say no or stop and not actually mean it?

I have, seen it many times irl, and in the media

I've done it myself as do my friends and family members

Tone and context are key.

MN is a strange place sometimes

Alfenstein · 05/08/2022 11:00

Quartz2208 · 05/08/2022 10:14

@Alfenstein in this instance he jumped on her, she said stop 7 or 8 times and she ended up feeling helpless.

You are right everyone has boundaries - the important thing is in any relationship is to know what those boundaries are - what is playful and what isnt. It is an entirely personal thing.

He also jumped on her to the point she couldnt move - none of your examples have that.

You are right tone and context matter - both here (her stern tone and the fact she was unable to move and felt helpless) mean it was assault

The Op herself said it was a tired tone, not stern.

Beamur · 05/08/2022 11:06

Your DH has behaved in an immature and thoughtless way.
He's not entitled to know your thoughts or feelings around personal things unless you choose to share them.
The precise lines and boundaries here are for you both to agree on.
I don't agree that this is deal breaking behaviour but you do need to talk about this.

GooglyEyeballs · 05/08/2022 11:12

OP do you feel like you were assaulted? I think is going to come down to your relationship dynamics and how comfortable you feel with this man. Doesn't sound like you're on the same page at all.