Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Thinking teen sleepover a bad idea?

102 replies

Tereo · 04/08/2022 05:54

I'm going away with 4 friends and their kids for a night this month. We ve each rented a hut at an activity campsite. Our kids are all teenagers and they just meet once or twice a year. Last year they ended up organising an impromptu sleepover in one of the huts. I didn't think it was a great idea at the time as there was a mix boys and girls.
AIBU to suggest to the friends in advance to let the kids all stay up as late as they like but sleep in their own family hut?

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 04/08/2022 17:54

We had mixed sleep overs as teens. Never an issue.

Speedweed · 04/08/2022 18:35

To be fair, they've probably all met online and exchanged nudes already...

Just kidding!

OP, I think you're right to be cautious, you know your boys and it's one thing if they're actively seeking out a situation to sleep/be semi undressed near a girl and entirely another if the girls are driving it and it's not a situation the boys are familiar with. We assume that boys are always confident and that's not necessarily the case, so they might even secretly be grateful you take the pressure off by saying no.

SurfBox · 04/08/2022 18:45

they are probably doing these kind of things behind your back anyway tbh

I was waiting on that old classic mn chestnut. Wait for the 'I trust my kids totally so yes' responses.

SurfBox · 04/08/2022 18:47

*My issue is why post if your mind is made up and just looking for people agreeing with you

Not really in the spirit*

eh aren't 99.9 percent of aibu posts like this?

Original poster
Tereo · 04/08/2022 19:02

Well I think these aibu questions are great because it's very quickly obvious if you've misjudged the situation entirely (which I know I do from time to time!)
The answers to this are mixed... Loads confident wise self assured kids out there who wouldn't find a mixed sleepover an issue, but obviously an issue for some by the replies

OP posts:
Becky6758 · 04/08/2022 19:07

I wouldn’t allow my teen to do it.

Alfenstein · 04/08/2022 19:21

Tereo · 04/08/2022 17:34

Thanks for the replies.
I did let them last year but was blindsided at 11pm and mum's of the girls thought it was no problem (they're used to teen sleepover s) so I just floated along with it but seeing the responses I am happy now to say that they won't this time. I don't think lads wil care to be honest and may be relieved.
I was that teen who had poor boundaries and loads of crappy sexual experiences. I was lucky as was never raped (that I remember in any case as was passed out more than once with a man) but I'd like better for my kids (have a younger girl too) and worse case scenario it could go horribly wrong for them too.
Going to broach the whole consent conversation with the lads. Have spoken about sex with them but have never gone into ins and outs of consent (pardon the pun).

As expected

So last year it was fine this year not.

Baffling

Tellmewhyaintnothinbutaheartbreak · 04/08/2022 19:25

@Endlesslypatient82 I’m with you

Oblomov22 · 04/08/2022 19:30

Why wouldn't you? What do you think is going to happen? You think one of the older ds's is going to ..... what? Try and have sex with your 14 year old. Wtf? My eldest ds has never shown any interest in any girl younger than him at school. If you think he's that kind of boy, why would you be on holiday with his mum?

Oblomov22 · 04/08/2022 19:35

How long have you been friends. Have you known them all the dc lives? Dc grown up together, although only see eachother twice a year.
I only ask because I might say no. Only if ds's didn't want to.

But, because we have a huge family, we have 28 cousins and second cousins of aged 12 months through to 30. My ds's would think nothing of sleeping with all their cousins.

Plus you will be in the hut next door, right?

Oblomov22 · 04/08/2022 19:37

Why have you never talked about consent?

Oblomov22 · 04/08/2022 19:40

@RockinHorseShite - Agree. All this lack of trust? Why aren't you talking to your teen? About all this stuff. Way way before 14 you should've talked to your child, about them telling you about anything at all that makes them uncomfortable.

Endlesslypatient82 · 04/08/2022 19:48

@Oblomov22

your post. A few weeks ago

Oblomov22 · 11/06/2022 11:04
We've had loads of boundary pushing with ds2 in the last few months. All school mums say their ds's are the same. Hold firm, don't waver. Ask her, what do you suggest I should do in the duration? In a devils advocate kind of way?

the “boundary pushing” - presumably that involved actions and behaviour that you did not want your teen engaging in?

Alfenstein · 04/08/2022 20:02

Tereo · 04/08/2022 17:34

Thanks for the replies.
I did let them last year but was blindsided at 11pm and mum's of the girls thought it was no problem (they're used to teen sleepover s) so I just floated along with it but seeing the responses I am happy now to say that they won't this time. I don't think lads wil care to be honest and may be relieved.
I was that teen who had poor boundaries and loads of crappy sexual experiences. I was lucky as was never raped (that I remember in any case as was passed out more than once with a man) but I'd like better for my kids (have a younger girl too) and worse case scenario it could go horribly wrong for them too.
Going to broach the whole consent conversation with the lads. Have spoken about sex with them but have never gone into ins and outs of consent (pardon the pun).

How have you never gone through the ins and outs of consent with your teenage children!?

You allowed them a mix sex sleepover last year without telling them about consent

Parent of the year over here...not

Tiggy321 · 04/08/2022 20:12

I think it's fine for the sleepover. My daughter has boys and girls for sleepovers regularly. Give them d some ground rules.

Oblomov22 · 04/08/2022 20:14

@Endlesslypatient82
Fuck me. Shock Bloody hell Endlessly you've dug deep for that one. That's bad form. Angry

What else would you like to dig up on me? I've been at times a prolific poster on MN for 17 years and I've got tonnes of shit, the walking dead of skeletons in the closet, if you care to dig deeper?

Nope. I was referring to ds2 being rude to Dh. Minor pushing in many areas. Not wanting to revise for end of year exams and being told he had to knuckle down or else couldn't go to theme park that many of them go to after school mid week.

Not the same / comparable situation to OP, me thinks.

user1471459761 · 04/08/2022 20:20

I would be fine with this unless I had reason to be concerned about the others ie think drugs etc. The odd clumsy fumble? So what if they did? They need to learn to deal with it and you are only next door if one of them is really uncomfortable.

Original poster
Tereo · 04/08/2022 20:30

Yeah I should have talked to them more. Have discussed how to get out of a situation they haven't given consent to but have never discussed how to gauge consent when snogging a girl. Don't even know what to say - I'll have to Google it! Probably because their social life is all playing basketball with their male friends, they don't hang out with gurls/girlfriends.
Anyhow point taken!

OP posts:
Crabbyboot · 04/08/2022 20:46

10HailMarys · 04/08/2022 10:45

If there's going to be a whole mixed group of them, it's fine. They're not going to start shagging in front of each other or planning some kind of orgy. Provided they've got somewhere private to get changed, nothing's going to happen.

I'm not meaning to be snarky, but that is very naive. Never underestimate how hormonal they all are!

Endlesslypatient82 · 04/08/2022 20:52

Oblomov22 · 04/08/2022 20:14

@Endlesslypatient82
Fuck me. Shock Bloody hell Endlessly you've dug deep for that one. That's bad form. Angry

What else would you like to dig up on me? I've been at times a prolific poster on MN for 17 years and I've got tonnes of shit, the walking dead of skeletons in the closet, if you care to dig deeper?

Nope. I was referring to ds2 being rude to Dh. Minor pushing in many areas. Not wanting to revise for end of year exams and being told he had to knuckle down or else couldn't go to theme park that many of them go to after school mid week.

Not the same / comparable situation to OP, me thinks.

He was being a typical teen. Pushing boundaries and making decisions that might have impacted negatively on his future if you, as his parent hadn’t intervened …. One might say that the scenario is quite similar to the OP’s!

Oblomov22 · 04/08/2022 20:58

No. Answering back to Dh, and not initiating enough studying, but still doing nicely in exams is nothing like OP's.

But carry on digging if you wish to rip further. Hmm

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/08/2022 21:31

j712adrian · 04/08/2022 14:26

"deffo no serious attraction between teenage boys"

of course not.....

Show quote history

Sorry what? Idk why you talk about attraction between teenage boys? I don’t have a teenage boy. I have a girl.

Endlesslypatient82 · 05/08/2022 05:25

You parented @Oblomov22 your son. I would have had the same approach. It may not have been the best approach for other teens. We felt it was for ours

The OP is parenting her teens. I absolutely would have same approach as OP with a 14 year old especially. And the 16 year old to a lesser extent. No sleeping overnight in a one room confined space with opposite sex that you see once a year and I also hardly know.

You would have a different approach @Oblomov22

Endlesslypatient82 · 05/08/2022 05:26

It’s not about not trusting my teen.

it is about recognising the huge impact hormones have. And at these ages - those hormones are flooding their systems and sometimes skewing their sense of of risk and what is in their own best interest.

ShowOfHands · 05/08/2022 10:55

I was waiting on that old classic mn chestnut. Wait for the 'I trust my kids totally so yes' responses

The problem with aibu, as ever, is that it polarises. It's not as simple as "can teenagers safely have a mixed sex sleepover" with a yes or no answer because there are too many factors to consider. And with adolescents, there's so much to consider. They can't risk assess in the same way as adults and they are driven by impulse and pleasure in different ways to us. And it's not just about sex. It's about alcohol and game playing and staying up too late and pranks and messing about and social mores. And it's also about who the other people are, the other adolescents and their parents and the relationships between all these people and the history between them. It's where are they sleeping and why, who has organised it, where are the responsible adults etc.

So when I tell you that my 15yr old DD has sleepovers with between 4 and 8 boys and she's the only girl, I'm neither cool nor naive. I know her. I know her friends. I have a lot of history with them, their parents and they are firm best friends of several years. Do I trust them implicitly? No clue. I don't trust anybody implicitly as life doesn't work like that so I mitigate for eventualities. I know as far as possible that they are safe and will make good choices. Is this the same for all children her age? God no. I teach at their school. I know precisely what other DC are doing at mixed sleepovers and I know the fallout from it. DD would not be sharing sleep space with other teenagers outside of her very close knit group.

And searching ob's posting history is fucking poor form all round.