‘Are you rich?’

[Merryoldgoat]

I am NOT rich but my DH and I are comfortable. We live in a 3 bed end of terrace (it’s a bit bigger than average - certainly not massive).

We’ve had a few play dates now for DS9 and a few kids have said we have a big house but I think the layout is deceptive so I understand that. Just today one has asked ‘are you rich?’

I said ‘no’ but they kept saying we must be. Eventually I successfully changed the subject.

I felt really odd about it for a few reasons.

1. My house is not at ALL ostentatious - I have ripped carpet on the stairs, peeling paint (I’m redecorating slowly) and the house was a mess so it seemed like a strange thing to say.
2. I grew up in poverty - I used to think things like this sometimes as a child but wouldn’t have asked it so it was an odd question to me.
3. I’m worried he’ll tell classmates this and that there’ll be some repercussions for my son.

I don’t know why I’m posting. It’s left me feeling a bit odd.

@Brainfogmcfogface

I’m sorry you are in such dire circumstances.

I grew up in poverty, hiding from bailiffs and being sent to the shop to ask for credit. No holidays,

But I don’t think it’s controversial to say there’s a bit gap between ‘rich’ and ‘poor’ and being very happy with my lot doesn’t mean I’m rich. I’m not. But I’m not at all poor either which having experienced first hand for 20 years I’m glad for.

@PinkButtercups

I didn’t think he’d go telling people, more that he’d treat my son differently. My son has SEN and has few friends so I’m a bit sensitive to possible issues I suppose.

@PinkButtercups

*go telling people in a negative way

I don't think that kids see rich (or better off than their own family) as a bad thing at all. Certainly not something to be used against anyone.

What they don't like is snobbery, or a kid showing off about what they have, or implying that they're 'better' than others. That seems far from the case with your DS.

@saraclara

Thank you.

It could be much much worse - my sister picked my nephew 7 up from a play date where he had told the mum her house was too messy, he didn’t want to eat the dinner because her house was dirty and could she phone his mum because he didn’t want to use the toilet!!! My sister was horrified as was the mum!!! Both mums are now frantic one about being dirty, and how no child will ever want to come over again (my sister says the house was normal) my sister about having the rudest child in the entire school and him never getting invited anywhere ever again.

@Confusednewmum1

Oh Christ!! That’s quite the playdate!!

@Merryoldgoat you’re rich if this is what you’re posting about on MN 😂 but seriously, you can’t protect your children from every little bit of judgement so don’t worry. if they’re not picked on for being rich, it’ll be for being poor, or fat, or an over achiever, or being shy or being too loud. There’s always something.

I didn’t grow up with much but I wasn’t poor and didn’t really notice when people were rich tbh. I noticed they had older, bigger houses that were typically colder, but the children I really envied were the ones with bigger tvs, trashier snacks, the latest trainers, the most freedom to watch whatever they liked and the funnest holidays (I imagined butlins must have been all the fun in the world- we never went). It’s only now that I’m older that I can see that those were probably the poorer children.

Anyway, the only thing more annoying than rich people for people who don’t have much, are the rich people (if you doubt this is you just look up which percentile your household income falls under) who have plenty but still act as though things are quite tough for them really. You’re lucky, that’s why you’re rich, just enjoy it. Others are less lucky that’s why they don’t have as much. Share it around if it bothers you, plenty of others need it.

I think the issue for many of us on Mumsnet, with typical middle class angst, is that we don't want to admit we are 'rich'. Obviously compared to football WAGs and the Elon Musks of this world we are not 'mega rich' but I tend to agree with a PP, those of us who consider ourselves 'comfortable' (as I do) are fortunate enough to be 'rich'.

this Quote always sets me straight x

My house is not at ALL ostentatious - I have ripped carpet on the stairs, peeling paint (I’m redecorating slowly) and the house was a mess so it seemed like a strange thing to say.

So why are you giving it a nano second's thought?

He's a 9 year old kid. Kids say all sorts of shit

haha yes this.

My dad turned up in a suit to one of my school meetings and I was asked by a fellow student in my year if I was rich. My family is but I couldn’t see why my father dressing smartly would immediately show this. If this child is from a smaller house then this is what he will see as comfortable or rich because he knows less then what you have.

Kindly, I agree you're overthinking this. I live in a very very average 3 bed home. By local standards, it's on the smaller side of average. My DD had a friend (7) round last week. He walked in and kept saying 'Wow, I've never seen a fancy house like this before!' I have no idea what he thought was fancy about it. It's a bog standard 1990's build and is definitely not spotless/sparkling. Our furniture is mainly retro secondhand stuff. Nothing is glossy or 'luxe'. As per PP, it might be the weirdest reason. I wondered if it's because we have a piano?! Or a dog - he loves dogs?!

We spent a few years in top 10% of earners that means we were rich compared to most of the population. But DH due to his background does know a few really very wealthy people. A friend of DH from his prestigious public school was the son of the VP of a bank, they had multiple servants and lived in a Manor House.

I grew up in very poor circumstances, I don’t have angst that I made it out of poverty. I feel bad for people that still live in it. I have pondered the situations that meant I made it out. Who knows maybe even a very small decision change may have meant I could have remained poor.

The one thing that put me in good stead was not being swayed by my heart over boys or men, head first always. So many of my friends have shacked up over the years with completely useless men.

Dd's friend asked if we were poor because we had a little telly and no Sky. That's what mattered to her.

I grew up on a very poor housing estate in Glasgow. Absolutely no-one was going on exotic holidays, and nobody had a flash car.
My parents made many sacrifices just to make ends meet, despite both of them working hard.
Please, can we stop this ridiculous narrative that poor people living in housing estates could afford private schooling just by making sacrifices, and avoiding exotic holidays and flash cars?
It demeans and insults all of us.

I once had a young child tell me, "I love your house Wingedharpy. It's just like a King's house!"

As I live in an average Victorian mid-terraced, in a less than spectacular area of the country, I was intrigued as to what had prompted their observation.

It turned out, it was because we have deep coving round the ceiling in the sitting room!

Your wee visitor probably spotted a packet of chocolate biscuits or some such random thing OP, that led them to ask the question.

One of my ds school friends were very impressed that we had a pizza cutter thingy and didn’t use a knife.

Surely instead of this panic you would laugh and asked the child what made them think that. Children are silly, it doesn’t mean anything. You’ll have a lifetime of worry if you are overthinking everything!

I remember thinking my aunt was rich because she had a leather sofa and two bathrooms!

I think the feeling is definitely to do with your background. I grew up in a very deprived house and I feel very uncomfortable talking about money, what I earn, how much my house cost etc. I feel quite guilty, for want of a better word, that I do have a relatively comfortable home situation when I know how hard things can be.

Haha this has happened to me!
The key thing here is that it's from the mouth of a nine year old.

Some of my daughter's school friends would think you were rich if you lived in an "owned" house rather than a rented house like they did. Which makes sense.

Rich is a comparison which is why few people think of themselves as rich because they can always see others who are richer.

Or maybe you have quilted toilet roll and Bourbon biscuits in your house. Don't over think it!

Once a 14 year old friend of dd turned up at mine and on the doorstep said "this is how rich people live!"

My house is scruffy and obviously needs work done and my car is 20 years old. My income was a fraction of her mothers income. Her mother was a doctor and the girl went to a private school. They did however rent their house. I found it odd that she said this but that's kids for you.

At Primary quite a few of DDs friends made comments about our big house but it never caused any issues for her.
Then she went to Private Secondary and nobody thought we had a big house any more.
Now she’s at State 6th form and according to her she’s “rich again”
none of it matters

I don't understand how living in a 3 bed would constitute "rich".

Our country is FULL of 3 bed semis and terraces. The majority of people in england and wales live in one!