Whys my birthday always so crap

3Blues · 2022-08-03T19:44:24+00:00

Every birthday I have traditions for the family (that they all bloody love): - Special meal of choice for the night before as a last supper. Have previously made a 5 course meal for DS1 and DH - Birthday cake - special bubble bath and music the night before to "wash the year away" - planned activities, special meals - the works - on the actual day Today is my birthday. Last night I made dinner, I was made breakfast this morning and dinner tonight (which I planned and organised and DH cooked). Every year its the same thing. I work my butt off for all the kids and DH birthday, but when it gets to mine - nothing organised or done at all. I feel so unloved. Am I just being a brat?

DashboardConfessional · 03/08/2022 20:49

Honestly? We normally do present and a takeaway. Mutually discussed.
I feel like doing things like the last supper and the bath for the kids is a parental thing to do. If you are running your DH a bubble bath with a playlist that's maybe a bit OTT.
Also - it's Wednesday. I'm assuming at least one of you was working. If things like annual leave need organising then we just have an open dialogue about what the birthday person wants to do.

Shoxfordian · 03/08/2022 20:54

How long have you been together? Yabu to expect any different as this is the standard you accept- you making all the effort and getting fuck all back

Nichebitch · 03/08/2022 20:55

I get it, celebrations are very important for me and like you I always go above and beyond and expect the same. It’s about being thoughtful and showing appreciation, it can be done in many and simple ways. I would be having a conversation with your partner if I were you about how it makes you a bit sad.

Itiswasitis90 · 03/08/2022 20:56

No it's exactly the same in my house. I just think they don't realise how much the extra little things mean and don't do it intentionally to be unloving- it's the price you pay for going that extra mile.

SalmonEile · 03/08/2022 20:58

Are these things your parents did for you?
or is it something you started for your kids?
or did you do them for your DH before kids?

Original poster

3Blues · 03/08/2022 20:59

A long time!! The bath I'm not fussed about. But the rubbish last minute presents, lack of care around anything, no planning on meal etc...or even going out for dinner/takeaway. We're on AL this week to spend time with the kids, so not sure where the lack of planning or care has come from. I just feel like I give everything - and anything that is "my day" is something of nothing. I have brought it up before and been looked at like I'm a total brat. Or it's my fault. And the whole "no one asks you to do all these traditions". The kids and DH plan their "last suppers" six months in advance, I engage with them all about the things they want...and it's just rubbish when it's anything for me, as I'm not organising it. I dread my birthday because I always end up feeling like this.

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SalmonEile · 03/08/2022 20:59

Also how many kids and how old are they?

Original poster

3Blues · 03/08/2022 21:00

@SalmonEile This is something I did with my DH pre-kids that we then continued once we had them (and they got big enough). Nothing from stuff I did with my parents

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Original poster

3Blues · 03/08/2022 21:01

SalmonEile · 03/08/2022 20:59

Also how many kids and how old are they?

3 DS - 12, 11, 4

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SummaLuvin · 03/08/2022 21:01

I love a celebration but yours are alot! Last supper, bath, playlist... While I'm sure they are lovely are not 'normal' level. A five course meal on the day before the birthday, in addtion to, what sounds like from the rest of your post, you cooking a nice breakfast and dinner on the day itself is madness. Depending on what you mean by "planned activities, the works" I think it's a bit much, especially on work days.

Cake, and nice evening meal cooked in and planned by partner, takeaway, or meal out on the day are fair enough expectations.

More importantly I think you need to express your wishes to your partner, if this is the way its's always been why would you expect it to suddenly change?

Original poster

3Blues · 03/08/2022 21:02

Itiswasitis90 · 03/08/2022 20:56

No it's exactly the same in my house. I just think they don't realise how much the extra little things mean and don't do it intentionally to be unloving- it's the price you pay for going that extra mile.

I know if I stopped there would be absolute chaos. I've spent the whole day trying not to burst into tears

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CoastalWave · 03/08/2022 21:02

I get a card. Other than that, it's a normal day!

I' think you are being a little precious - unless you're 16.

Original poster

3Blues · 03/08/2022 21:04

SummaLuvin · 03/08/2022 21:01

I love a celebration but yours are alot! Last supper, bath, playlist... While I'm sure they are lovely are not 'normal' level. A five course meal on the day before the birthday, in addtion to, what sounds like from the rest of your post, you cooking a nice breakfast and dinner on the day itself is madness. Depending on what you mean by "planned activities, the works" I think it's a bit much, especially on work days.

Cake, and nice evening meal cooked in and planned by partner, takeaway, or meal out on the day are fair enough expectations.

More importantly I think you need to express your wishes to your partner, if this is the way its's always been why would you expect it to suddenly change?

He used to make an effort - possibly not as "extra" as I am, but he did all the good things. Its just started dropping off year after year. I feel like if I don't do everything - nothing happens. Somethings changed - I just can't put my finger on it

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Suprima · 03/08/2022 21:04

Because you have inadvertently settled for a man that isn’t romantic and isn’t bothered about making you feel cherished

and you continue to do nothing about it

I’m probably what you call a “brat”- but I have never had a dud birthday, anniversary or Valentine’s Day

BatDuck · 03/08/2022 21:09

I sympathise with you. I’m on holiday with the family and friends and whilst I was shown some love this morning with gifts and cards, I really just wanted a meal out tonight with everyone (we’ve not eaten out all week).
but due to us having kids, we’ve come home from a day out to find all the restaurants in the area closed and we’ve cobbled together tea from a campsite shop.
Our childless friends have had a great evening at a restaurant with lovely local food and wine and rolled in half an hour ago.
We’ve put the kids to bed and have gone to bed too after doing the clearing up.
Yes, I know I’m being selfish and yes, I know this is a first world problem but I don’t care. It’s my birthday.
I didn’t even get a cake and we’re surrounded by fucking patisseries.

SalmonEile · 03/08/2022 21:10

Ok so I think a lot of this falls to your DH tbh he’s happy to take all the stuff but not do it himself. If his response is “well no one asked you to do it for us” then stop doing it for him.
if you want to keep doing it for the kids then the older DSs can learn now as they head towards their teenage years.
do you involve your sons in the other birthdays - so say it’s DS11s birthday do you get DS12 and DS4 to help make the cake , lay the table , wrap presents , anything to get them involved and excited in the process? Then they might have a light bulb moment of “oh shit no one does this for mum”

diamondpony80 · 03/08/2022 21:18

I do all the extra stuff for the kids but as adults DH and I aren’t that bothered about birthdays. Card, cake and small gift (we choose our own so we always get what we want!) Maybe a takeaway if we feel like it, but sometimes we just cook. Sounds like you take birthdays very seriously!

EmeraldShamrock1 · 03/08/2022 21:21

My birthday is always crap too, I don't really celebrate my birthday.

DP is crap at planning or buying presents - I don't do it for him either though he is a big child and always has a gift in mind.

I like to celebrate the DC birthdays.

Spinalonga6 · 03/08/2022 21:23

YANBU but you’re in a house full of males (which shouldn’t be an excuse!) who come with all the usual lack of thought I’m sure most women can relate to at times.

I think next year, announce to your DH that you’d like to be gifted a spa day and take yourself off!

EmeraldShamrock1 · 03/08/2022 21:23

if I don't do everything - nothing happens. Somethings changed - I just can't put my finger on it.

Familiarity breeds contempt.

Welcome to the club, I'm a long timer. 😡

SummaLuvin · 03/08/2022 21:25

Then they might have a light bulb moment of “oh shit no one does this for mum”

I get this train of thought, but I don't like the whole dropping hints and expecting people to figure things out instead of just asking outright for things important to us. Why do we expect people to be mind readers? Yes, they probably should know to be putting in more effort, but they aren't so clearly either don't care or it hasn't occurred to them to do so.

OP - let your husband know you are really disappointed your effort is not being reciprocated, that you don't feel special and are upset. Set out clear exceptions of what you want going forward and see next year. You say your DH and kids plan their last supper 6 months in advance - do the same!

Pleiades2020 · 03/08/2022 21:27

Well, enjoy your birthday today as much as you can. Then tomorrow make a family announcement that the special treatment birthdays from now on end on the person's 13th birthday.

Hopeandlove · 03/08/2022 21:29

Suprima · 03/08/2022 21:04

Because you have inadvertently settled for a man that isn’t romantic and isn’t bothered about making you feel cherished

and you continue to do nothing about it

I’m probably what you call a “brat”- but I have never had a dud birthday, anniversary or Valentine’s Day

Tell him that’s enough - and he need to show his appreciation by doing as much or more than for you. Tell him what you said on here - that they all need to step up and that you won’t be doing any chores the day before your birthday or your birthday - that you will expect beautiful planned meals and presents and ballooons etc

Igo · 03/08/2022 21:34

Snap it’s my birthday today as well…

I didn’t even get a card from dh…I normally do cards, ballon’s, cake, cook dinner etc try and make it a bit of fun! Same for the kids, I went and got the food for a bbq and dh buggered off to clean the car for 2 hours so guess who cooked!

I got absolutely sweet fuck all apart from an activity I paid for!

happy birthday @3Blues 💐 🎂

GeorgeCat1 · 03/08/2022 21:35

Come christmas there will be a million of these threads. You give people gifts etc to make them happy, not to get it in return. Maybe accept this an make your own happiness on your birthday. That way you're not relying on someone else. If they treat you, bonus. Your expectations on this will never be met.