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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Whys my birthday always so crap

61 replies

3Blues · 03/08/2022 20:44

Every birthday I have traditions for the family (that they all bloody love):

  • Special meal of choice for the night before as a last supper. Have previously made a 5 course meal for DS1 and DH
  • Birthday cake
  • special bubble bath and music the night before to "wash the year away"
  • planned activities, special meals - the works - on the actual day

Today is my birthday. Last night I made dinner, I was made breakfast this morning and dinner tonight (which I planned and organised and DH cooked). Every year its the same thing. I work my butt off for all the kids and DH birthday, but when it gets to mine - nothing organised or done at all. I feel so unloved. Am I just being a brat?

OP posts:
SimonaRazowska · 03/08/2022 21:47

I would assume you do all this stuff for them because YOU like to? You enjoy it?

would they do it for eachother if you weren’t around?

there can be a kind of passive aggressive pressure from the giver with this excessive thoughtfulness if the giver dies not do the giving for their own enjoyment

(I’d hate all that stuff and the pressure to reciprocate. Saying that, men are mostly immune to this pressure IMO)

I Made myself a lot happier about 10 years ago when I taught myself to think “what would a man do”… and then do that. This means I buy ready made birthday cakes and 1 simple present. No 5 course meals and no candle lit baths and I don’t miss them! Also no cards to his relatives, not tidying the house before his friends come over, no martyring myself unless I choose to.

SimonaRazowska · 03/08/2022 21:49

My advice is to make less effort with their birthdays, and more with your own

get a few friends round for a low key drinks and crisps evening and relax

SalmonEile · 03/08/2022 21:55

@SummaLuvin I didn’t mean it as a “drop hint” strategy
what I meant was the Ops oldest child Is 12 and youngest is 4 - I wouldn’t expect her to sit a 12 and 11 year old down and say “i want a bath run for me and a day of special treats planned “
but if she involves them in the process for each other they might enjoy choosing gifts , making meals and all the other special efforts they might continue the tradition themselves, they’re only young after all.

the only person she should be laying out her expectations to is her husband who’s an adult

Original poster
3Blues · 04/08/2022 08:42

Thank you all for your replies. Whilst I don't expect the level of crazy I go to on birthdays - it's the fact that things only happen when I do them and DH has one birthday to do stuff for - I do everyone else's. I do not do it to get anything back but because there are so many of us (3DSs and 2DSS who are adults) I try to make everyone feel special when it's their days.

Spoken to DH this morning, he's sorry etc, but gave me the impression the day is over now and he'll try next year. Next year I am going to do a girls night and like alot of you have said - make my own happiness. Same for mothers day.

I know I'm not alone in saying I do ALL the things as the mum and wife - but I'm the breadwinner, I work full time and I organise everything for the kids and DH. DH works full time, but somehow shirks all responsibility for the day to day. It's all going to change.

OP posts:
Oblomov22 · 04/08/2022 08:44

You've written it all down here. All your feelings. But you haven't told him any of this. Why?

Oblomov22 · 04/08/2022 08:47

You spoke to him this morning. But he just doesn't 'get' it, does he? Tell him again, prep him, tell him you want to talk about something important to you, so can he let you know when is convenient? Tomorrow? It's a clever way of sowing the seed to let someone know the talk is important.

NerrSnerr · 04/08/2022 08:50

I know I'm not alone in saying I do ALL the things as the mum and wife - but I'm the breadwinner, I work full time and I organise everything for the kids and DH. DH works full time, but somehow shirks all responsibility for the day to day

The birthday isn't the issue really is it? It's that you're married to a lazy man who lets you do all the work.

DogsAndGin · 04/08/2022 08:54

To be blunt, I think you’re being childish and a bit self-centred (sorry!). I really don’t see the fuss about adult birthdays, and I don’t know any adults that expect a big fuss to be made of them. Birthdays are for kids.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 04/08/2022 08:59

The birthday isn't the issue really is it? It's that you're married to a lazy man who lets you do all the work.
I agree.
He gets away with leaving the lions share for you all year if he makes the effort one day a year and now he is slacking at that too.
He needs a verbal kicking.

Adversity · 04/08/2022 09:15

It is not so much it’s a birthday thing it’s the fact you put yourself out by doing everything.

You have fallen in to the role of chief cook and bottle washer. It’s a societal expectation that is slowly changing but at a rate that’s far too slow. You are also bogged down in the culture of women having to be nice all the time.

I saw my much older sisters behave just like you. Their relationships and lives were worse because they didn’t ever stand up for themselves.

DH assumed I would be like his Mother. He thought I would write all the Christmas cards because that’s what his Mother had done. I remember laughing in his face. When the children were little I was meeting a friend for the weekend. She had cooked and frozen two meals for her DH and children. DH had said what shall I do about food? My reply was see that big white thing in the corner it’s called a fridge you open it and there is food inside but you have to put it in first.

You just need to stop doing everything until you do it will remain the same. Actions not words count in life. He has soft soaped you with his words.

I mean who wouldn’t like someone running around doing all the shit work, must be great. You are doing it to yourself in the hope he will be just as great back naturally. He won’t until you make a genuine stance.

DoingJustFine · 04/08/2022 09:20

Just do as little for DH's birthday as he did for yours. It's that simple. He'll get it.

dottiedodah · 04/08/2022 09:48

Firstly Happy Birthday from me. I think your expectations seem a little unrealistic though! A special meal on the eve of the day? I would be dropping this quite quickly TBH! Bubble Bath seems nice ,but surely not that "Special" A nice few gifts/flowers ,Meal out ,Day out (NT or similar ) Cake .Thats all I want.I do choose the Restaurant,and the day out (sometimes at WE) .Have girls night out too! Just let everyone know this will be the same for them too.

Pollydonia · 04/08/2022 09:50

My DH used to be crap at Birthdays. Always the same excuse - mine falls just after Xmas ( yes dickhead, but as it's the same day each year it shouldn't have come as a surprise 🙄)
All changed on my 40th . Always got a card, not always a present until after pay day and even then it would be a token present.
For his Big Birthday the year before I had saved up for a whole year, took us all away for the weekend, got tickets to see U2 ( his absolutely favourite band) plus gave him £200 spending money , organized his time off work , organized a cake to be at the hotel.
2 weeks before my 40th we were visiting FIL and SMIL who asked what he had planned for my birthday. He looked like a deer in headlights and stuttered that I hadn't organized anything. I actually got really upset, his dad and stepmum were disgusted with him and told him so, apparently he had told them 6 months before that he was sorting something out, but BIL has warned them that he hadn't.
I left him there and took myself off to the coast for the rest of the day. I felt totally humiliated. I'd taken on extra work to save for his Birthday, planned everything.
His DP'S basically told him that he would loose me if I continued to be the only one that made an effort and asked how he would have felt I'd I treated his Birthday the same way that he treated mine.
It worked, but by god he needed it spelling out.

budgiegirl · 04/08/2022 10:09

You're not at all a brat, it's really tough when you go all out, but don't get even the basics in return.

Unfortunately you may just have to spell it out. Ask your DH if he enjoys all the birthday traditions. If he says yes, then ask why he thinks that you don't want or deserve the same. If he's not bothered with them, then don't do them for him anymore.

Before your birthday, give him list of things that you want to happen for your birthday - including cake, meal planned and cooked, or meal out, or a trip somewhere, or whatever it is you want for the day. Then let him get on and organise it. Don't hint at anything, just tell him straight. Unfortunately some people (often men, but not always) need things absolutely spelled out for them, hints don't work. And organise a girls night out near to your birthday, so at least you'll definitely have that.

girlfrien · 04/08/2022 10:17

DogsAndGin · 04/08/2022 08:54

To be blunt, I think you’re being childish and a bit self-centred (sorry!). I really don’t see the fuss about adult birthdays, and I don’t know any adults that expect a big fuss to be made of them. Birthdays are for kids.

Yes I tend to agree unless it's a tombola birthday.

Going put for a meal and wine etc all costs money and just an excuse for a booze up.

How can you afford to do that on everyone's birthday anyway.

DilemmaDelilah · 04/08/2022 10:31

We have birthday traditions too but nothing like as elaborate as yours! I do a 'family lunch/tea' with their food and cake of choice. My OH (who joined our family well after this was established) has been told what is expected of him and does his very best to make sure I have a nice day. I do my part by informing him in advance of what I want to eat and by making sure the ingredients are on the shopping list. Otherwise it's up to him! A really really shit birthday is the one I had a few years ago, when my father's funeral was held on my birthday. Forgetting my last supper and bubble bath ( not that we do that anyway) rather pales into insignificance.

Sparkletastic · 04/08/2022 11:24

Not good enough from your DH. I'd be very clear on what needs to change going forwards and the potential consequences if things stay the same. And not just about birthdays.

Maireas · 04/08/2022 11:35

You have created elaborate and time consuming rituals, which then never get given to you.
Your husband hasn't ignored your birthday, he hasn't been mean, he's just not on the same page.
You're going to need to talk this through, but you've created a situation for your sons that you'll be doing for many years.

Dreamstate · 04/08/2022 12:00

My birthday is slap bang inbetween xmas day and new years, not even on my 40th could I get anyone not even best friends to spend my bday celebrating it on the day without having to move it.

I gave up along time ago and now I just plan to do what I like and don't involve anyone else unless someone cos noone is ever free so fuck it next yr just go plan your own special day and do what you want. This way you can never be disappointed.

RedHelenB · 04/08/2022 12:12

Maireas · 04/08/2022 11:35

You have created elaborate and time consuming rituals, which then never get given to you.
Your husband hasn't ignored your birthday, he hasn't been mean, he's just not on the same page.
You're going to need to talk this through, but you've created a situation for your sons that you'll be doing for many years.

This. You don't give to receive. If you hate doing those rituals fair enough to stop if you dont feel appreciated, no need to be a martyr.

Softplayhooray · 04/08/2022 12:30

OP I'd find those traditions awful and go along with them just to make you happy...it's sweet of you to make so much effort, though. Can't you just tell your family exactly what you'd like before the day, and ask them to do them, as it means so much to you? Bet they would.

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 04/08/2022 12:41

A little effort costs nothing, you are definitely not a bratt. Next birthday, book yourself a spa and a weekend away and don’t say anything. Self care can be in many forms. Happy birthday and sending birthday hugs

Alfenstein · 04/08/2022 12:42

Because your husband and kids are crap

There is 0 excuse to not spoil someone on their birthday, unless they specifically ask for nothing etc.

I'd be making it very clear they need to step up in your shoes

Mally100 · 04/08/2022 12:50

3Blues · 03/08/2022 21:02

I know if I stopped there would be absolute chaos. I've spent the whole day trying not to burst into tears

Show quote history

Well this is entirely your fault. Why have you accepted this like a martyr? Surely after 15years of the exact same treatment you must realise that you either stop doing it for everyone else or you do something about the unfair treatment of yourself. Why haven't you dealt with it for all these years? Even my 6yo ds puts alot of planning into all our birthdays because we have shown him that all of us deserve the birthday we want.

Mary46 · 04/08/2022 12:57

Op a happy Birthday. Mine is always crap as January lol. Its nice to be made a fuss of I think. I do something nice eg a back massage.