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Original poster

Whys my birthday always so crap

61 replies

3Blues · 03/08/2022 20:44

Every birthday I have traditions for the family (that they all bloody love):

  • Special meal of choice for the night before as a last supper. Have previously made a 5 course meal for DS1 and DH
  • Birthday cake
  • special bubble bath and music the night before to "wash the year away"
  • planned activities, special meals - the works - on the actual day

Today is my birthday. Last night I made dinner, I was made breakfast this morning and dinner tonight (which I planned and organised and DH cooked). Every year its the same thing. I work my butt off for all the kids and DH birthday, but when it gets to mine - nothing organised or done at all. I feel so unloved. Am I just being a brat?

OP posts:
Aprilx · 04/08/2022 13:08

I cannot tell if you are actually complaining about a 4 year old, 10 year old and 11 year old not making enough effort for your birthday because you do for theirs. If so, I think you are being very unreasonable on that bit, I am not a parent, but I thought it was something parents sometimes did for their children.

As for your husband, well if I went over the top for him every year as you do, but he made no effort in return, I would stop. As it is, we keep things fairly simple, no cards, often no presents, if I want to go out or have a nice meal at home, then I organise it and yes he will cook it.

WallaceinAnderland · 04/08/2022 13:14

Adults wanting a fuss because it's their birthday is so cringe. It's mostly women. I don't know a single man who would even care if no-one remembered their birthday. It's made up shite. Birthday celebrations are for kids who are actually excited about getting older.

GemmaEdKitten · 04/08/2022 13:14

Lol at Last Supper

Alfenstein · 04/08/2022 13:16

WallaceinAnderland · 04/08/2022 13:14

Adults wanting a fuss because it's their birthday is so cringe. It's mostly women. I don't know a single man who would even care if no-one remembered their birthday. It's made up shite. Birthday celebrations are for kids who are actually excited about getting older.

Such a misery

Alfenstein · 04/08/2022 13:18

Aprilx · 04/08/2022 13:08

I cannot tell if you are actually complaining about a 4 year old, 10 year old and 11 year old not making enough effort for your birthday because you do for theirs. If so, I think you are being very unreasonable on that bit, I am not a parent, but I thought it was something parents sometimes did for their children.

As for your husband, well if I went over the top for him every year as you do, but he made no effort in return, I would stop. As it is, we keep things fairly simple, no cards, often no presents, if I want to go out or have a nice meal at home, then I organise it and yes he will cook it.

So you're not a parent yet think you can assert it's unreasonable to expect the older children especially (who are 11 and 12 as per the OPs post)

How strange

The older 2 can definitely make an effort. Since 8 my two have been helping to make mine and DHs birthdays special

Classicblunder · 04/08/2022 13:48

Next time one of your sons starts talking about their supper, say "that sounds lovely, dad will be cooking this year"

Natty13 · 04/08/2022 13:49

Adversity · 04/08/2022 09:15

It is not so much it’s a birthday thing it’s the fact you put yourself out by doing everything.

You have fallen in to the role of chief cook and bottle washer. It’s a societal expectation that is slowly changing but at a rate that’s far too slow. You are also bogged down in the culture of women having to be nice all the time.

I saw my much older sisters behave just like you. Their relationships and lives were worse because they didn’t ever stand up for themselves.

DH assumed I would be like his Mother. He thought I would write all the Christmas cards because that’s what his Mother had done. I remember laughing in his face. When the children were little I was meeting a friend for the weekend. She had cooked and frozen two meals for her DH and children. DH had said what shall I do about food? My reply was see that big white thing in the corner it’s called a fridge you open it and there is food inside but you have to put it in first.

You just need to stop doing everything until you do it will remain the same. Actions not words count in life. He has soft soaped you with his words.

I mean who wouldn’t like someone running around doing all the shit work, must be great. You are doing it to yourself in the hope he will be just as great back naturally. He won’t until you make a genuine stance.

This!

I have much older brother and his wife had absolutely none of it. It helps that we come from a country where women are generall expected to be stronger and speak up for themselves more than in the UK. I can honestly say I've never had a partner or DH (I've had 2 of those lol) who expected me to sort cards or presents for his family and I've never been with anyone who left dirty clothes lying around with the expectation that I sort it.

I do not believe I have just magically only found decent men in life, I stringly think that what you put up with is what you get. I'm a very nice/easy going person in general but these things are dealbreakers for me in relationships and I just wouldn't tolerate that kind of disrespect.

If I was you I'd tell your DH quite casually that from now you will beatching the effort he has out in for your last few birthdays because the inequality is making you resentful. So that means he can plan and buy for his birthday supper for next year and you'll just cook it. His presents will be whatever you can find the day before in a quick trip to the shops. Then if he steps up for your next birthday you will go back to putting in the amount of effort you have always done.

Actions always, always, say more than words.

VanillaParkersBowl · 04/08/2022 13:53

Somethings changed - I just can't put my finger on it

Just about your birthday or in general?

DelurkingLawyer · 04/08/2022 13:57

Classicblunder · 04/08/2022 13:48

Next time one of your sons starts talking about their supper, say "that sounds lovely, dad will be cooking this year"

This. Just stop doing the extras. Of course you wouldn’t let your small children go without a present and card because their dad is crap, so you might still have to sort that if he is too lazy. But stop the rest. You’ll soon learn if they value these birthday rituals for themselves or not.

PeloAddict · 04/08/2022 13:58

Mine are a shit storm Grin I'm happy just to watch Netflix quietly now and nothing go completely wrong
Some that I can remember are

Back went, urgent GP appointment, spent the day on diazepam
Got ghosted
Boris announced the first lockdown
Shielding

Aprilx · 04/08/2022 18:14

Alfenstein · 04/08/2022 13:18

So you're not a parent yet think you can assert it's unreasonable to expect the older children especially (who are 11 and 12 as per the OPs post)

How strange

The older 2 can definitely make an effort. Since 8 my two have been helping to make mine and DHs birthdays special

Show quote history

No I am not a parent, but I am a human being, one that has lived in a family. I didn’t beam down from Planet Zog.

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