Please help- conflict at work

[Forumqueen]

I work in quite a high pressured role for a huge company (been here almost 2 years) and have recently announced I am pregnant. I thought I was being paranoid but my manager has been treating me differently even since the announcement.

just to give some background we have always had quite a good relationship and she’s always given me great feedback. But since announcing my pregnancy she’s nit picking at everything and micromanaging me. Constantly finding fault for things I do. I’ll give a few examples:

was late for one of our catch-ups as I was in a client she was extremely blunt and said I need to communicative better (this was virtual)

didn’t really feel up for going to the work socials and she pulls me to the side accusing me of not wanting to integrate into the team. I ended up going anyway as she basically told me I had no choice.

I was Ill so couldn’t make it to one of the team meetings she again made a big deal of this accusing me of not communicating and telling me that I MUST go…I was extremely Ill from food poinsoning so I could not go. Anyway she keeps bringing up this particular incident as a reason for me having poor communication (I let her know 2 days before)

most recently she ambushed me with a virtual call, including HER manager to give me feedback. Apparently I have had quite a few complaints from other managers and customers about my lack of knowledge.

She also mentioned that I was late once for a customer meeting. I unfortunately had car trouble and was devastated about this (first time in 2 years that I’ve ever been late for a customer ) another complaint was that I was turning up to customer sites unannounced (which isn’t true) I obviously wanted to know where and from exactly who these complaints were coming from but they refused to tell me! I let them both know that I felt ambushed in this call and it we went back and fourth with me basically trying to defend myself against these accusations. (I was actually close to tears it was horrible)

they made it seem as though it was constructive but it wasn’t at all! Especially with regards to my performance which I always get positive feedback on!

It ended with me telling them that I would really like to know where and who the complaints are coming from. I think I have a right to know. My manager said she will set this up. I have a feeling this meeting will never go ahead- or if it does I will find that her report of events is hugely exaggerated.

So basically I guess this isn’t really an AIBU but Would really be interested in people opinions as to whether I have a right to be upset. I would also like some advice on how to approach our next meeting.

Do you think she is trying to get rid of you? Is the company struggling?

I think it might have something to do with being late/uninterested/sick/etc rather than being pregnant. It sounds like you’re looking for an excuse.

It's hard to say. It does sound like nit-picking but being late for customer and manager meetings isn't a good look.

Did you previously miss any social events without comment or is this the first one you tried to get out of?

Also find it a bit strange that you tried to get out of a meeting two days early by claiming food poisoning - how did you know you wouldn't have felt better 48 hours later? Sometimes it's just a 24 hour bug.

Only you know the situation but it does sound like a lot of excuses are being thrown up here...

Keep a note of every incident and follow up with an email asking for a comprehensive list of all the complaints about you and by whom.

Keep emailing (if you don't receive it), for this politely as you feel it is very important to speak to each manager and try and resolve the situation.

If she doesn't get back to you with the specific complaints, you have a paper trail of her behaviour towards you.

Any time she gives you grief ask for clarification by email.

Create a paper trail.

Sadly pregnant woman are often treated poorly once they announce.

Call ACAS for advice and join a union if you are not already in one.

• I guess this is how she sees it from her point of view, I am definitely not uninterested. She has been late with me previously . But I get it shes the manager.

but I think sometimes you have to give people the benefit of the doubt. She thinks I’m purposefully being disrespectful which I am not

All of this.

Get everything in writing.

It does sound like there have been a couple of genuine issues, but obviously we don't know the full circumstances.

The law protects pregnant women, but unfortunately many companies/ managers completely disregard those laws and discriminate against their employees.

Off the top of my head there's a company called Pregnant then Screwed (or similar - Google it) who can give adice. You've obviously also got citizen's advice.

Cover yourself. Good luck.

Google Pregnant Then Screwed. They offer legal advice for women in your position…. Sadly it does sound like she is trying to create a paper trail to fake a redundancy… write everything down and maybe consider complaining about HER.
I was thrown under a bus once myself and ever since then I’ve learnt to put myself first and throw them under first. Sounds brutal, but that is the corporate world.

Thank you. I will call pregnant and screwed tomorrow. I have already contacted Hr about the incident , waiting for them to get back to me.

It can be a detriment - ie a compensatable fault under employment law - to subject you to complaints investigation or punitive treatment without a reasonable basis, so you are right to take advice. It's a classic way of managing someone out where there is discrimination.

Did you send her an IM or email letting her know that you were running late for the catch up?

Did you call the customer letting them know that you had car trouble and would be running late?

I didn’t IM her that I was running late so that was my fault. I did apologised over and over. She was extremely upset.

and Yes the customer was aware that I was running late I let them know in advance

It sounds like the truth is somewhere between your two versions.

You do seem to some communication issues, especially regarding lateness and time off.

Do you lack the knowledge required? Is there some truth here if you're being brutally honest with yourself?

Like a PP said, get everything in writing.

You both definitely seem to have valid points here. I would always let someone know if I'm running late, she likely sees you as quite flaky. Perhaps it's also a clash of personalities and poor communication. Definitely log your interactions just to be sure though.

It seems to be you that is bringing your pregnancy into this. You have been presented with a list of examples and all you want to know is “who complained”. It sounds like you are looking for pregnancy discrimination when in fact it sounds like there has been a series of incidents which have been brought to your attention. What would you be doing about the feedback if you were not pregnant? Perhaps you should consider that and it might lead to better next steps.

Sounds like they’re looking for reasons to get rid of you - get in there first and complain about them

good luck 💐

Excellent advice, act on this. I read a tribunal report today where there was obviously bullying and harassment but the record keeping by the complainant was so poor that she didn't have a hope.

That’s the problem- I haven’t changed since I have announced I’m pregnant. She has- with her approach towards me. But I take what you are saying on board.

we had a great relationship before I announced I’m pregnant. She literally started complaining about my behaviour after I told her the news

I don’t lack knowledge. And she has never expressed that I do since I’ve been here. It’s only come up all of a sudden.

I understand the lateness is frustrating her. I just think her approach is extreme.

I didn’t actually have anytime off during the team meeting I just couldn’t physically attend because I was I’ll . Our job is mostly remote. I couldn’t go in person.

I would do a Subject access request. I would request all email about you. I would also keep a record of incidents including date, time, brief description. Make sure your a member of a union and contact ACAS if you need advice moving forward.

Not having the time off blurs the boundary between you being able to work, and not. Giving 48 hours notice of food poisoning looks suspicious!

Did she speak to you at all about the lateness before the meeting with the manager? If so she was heavy handed, but if you'd been late a few times, she's spoken to you and nothings changed, I can see why she got a manager involved to cover her own back.

@billy1966 has covered everything, but I can't second (third) this enough. Also speak to ACAS if it continues or escalates

I went through this & ended up in a sex discrimination & constructive dismissal tribunal. I had worked there in a very senior roll for well over a decade. I think my parting hiss at my boss before walking out, was that " I've had a baby, not a fucking lobotomy" pretty much summed up the whole change of attitude.

I won the tribunal

Thank you so much- this gives me hope. I feel like the bad treatment towards me has been very subtle and I don’t have enough evidence. Could you please give me some examples of how your boss treated you?? Pm me if you would prefer.
thanks. 💕

Into begin with it was as you describe, just very subtle micromanaging me when I'd been running the show for years. I went from being "mate" to "babe' which was what I knew he saved as as put down for certain women. Like you I often came in late, but I also worked through lunches, worked late, came in early for meetings, so it was always an accepted as I needed a lie in, or to work quietly at home or on a later, quieter train some days.

Things cranked up more after I went back early after maternity leave. I was put under a lot of pressure to go back early to save jobs & then was basically demoted once I was back, no pay rise or yearly bonus, despite all other staff getting healthy extras. I was called in for very early meetings, only to get there & be told the client had cancelled & oops, we forgot to tell you. Lots more, but it was basically subtle & gradually escalated & ended with my working all day with my boss, only to get home & find a written warning letter about a lateness on a day there was a train crash & I was still only half an hour late. I wasn't even officially due back at work yet. I went in the next day, acted normal, packed up my desk & left by the back door & contacted ACAS the next morning & they guided me through the tribunal. I attended one hearing with the intention of looking my boss & once friend in the eyes & watching him squirm. He didn't show up, but sent along a dreadful little rat man of a solicitor, very odd character who came across as vicious, tried to intimidate me, but was actually really crap at it & I ran rings around him by just being honest. I was offered a substantial out of court settlement which I accepted, as I realised that even though I could have hit more, my ex boss was too chicken to face me & the stress was bad for both me & tiny DD

I’m so happy about the ending! Well done 👏 your experience was prolonged! How did I manage to deal with the abuse. Seems like you also had a lot of hard evidence especially with the lack of pay rise and bonus. That really is a big deal.

the problem I think I will have is lack of evidence. I was actually supposed to be promoted but this has been taken away or deferred till when I’m back from Mat leave - problem is I stupidly agreed to this when asked. This was before things started getting really bad. There have also been other instances where I know management will just say I didn’t speak up ( such as doing to much work and not asking for help) my manager has also made it seem as though everyone is busier than me.

the problem I think I will have is lack of evidence. I was actually supposed to be promoted but this has been taken away or deferred till when I’m back from Mat leave - problem is I stupidly agreed to this when asked. This was before things started getting really bad. There have also been other instances where I know management will just say I didn’t speak up ( such as doing to much work and not asking for help) my manager has also made it seem as though everyone is busier than me.

Do you have evidence that the promotion was going to be offered to you ... if so this is useful. It doesn't matter that you accepted it, what matters is their reasoning for withdrawing the promotion, which given the timing, looks very bad on them.

Write it all down, start as notes as you remember stuff & then try & put it together as a timeline of changes & micromanaging. Then keep a diary of all of it going forward. Then speak to ACAS, & or a solicitor that deals in employment law, you might be able to get a free half hour assessment.

Other than that, look after yourself, try & mentally step away from the stress of it as much as possible & be careful who you trust at work