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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to cut off this 'friendship'?

70 replies

TrickySpot · 03/08/2022 15:35

Bit of an odd situation here but will try and explain the best I can...

My husband and I have been friends with a Guy, call him Tom for a long time. He was friends with DH first but I've also been good friends with him now since I met DH. He had a long term partner, Chloe, for a number of years and they have children together.

Me and Chloe are quite different and I don't think outside of my friendship with Tom I would have really ever known her or had a friendship with her but over the years we have maintained a semi friendship due to mine and DHs friendship with Tom and we used to get together quite a bit when they were together. I haven't liked the way she treated Tom in the past (jealous and a bit controlling imo, demanding he block women on SM, reading his messages and so on).

Anyway, Tom and Chloe split up earlier this year. I stayed in sort of contact with Chloe to be polite but we don't speak a great deal anymore.

I have a very good friend who was also newly single, Sarah. Her and Tom had met before but more recently in the last few months they have been dating. I'm really happy for them as I love them both 🙂 me DH, Tom and Sarah have been going out as well and doing things together (recently went to a festival together, that sort of thing).

Anyway, Chloe has messaged me about how hurt she is about this and how I'm supposed to be her friend and she feels betrayed.

How can I find a nice way of basically saying our friendship was really based around her relationship with Tom (as I say I also don't like the way she treated him and continues to via the DC).

AIBU to be happy for and encourage this relationship with Sarah even if I was previously friendly with Chloe? I have known Tom for a lot longer and frankly value his friendship much more. I was happy to maintain what I had with Chloe but I'm not being told who I can and can't be with / have to be loyal to.

YANBU - you were friends with Tom first so it's none of Chloe's business.

YABU - you should be loyal to Chloe and stick by her.

OP posts:
TiniestClanger · 03/08/2022 15:37

Honestly I think I would just ignore her. You don’t want to continue being friends and she isn’t being reasonable.

Original poster
TrickySpot · 03/08/2022 15:38

Thanks. I'm a bit of a people please so I struggle with feeling like I have to be polite all the time.

OP posts:
chickenninja · 03/08/2022 15:39

Ahh I feel bad for Chloe. She probably thinks you've all turned against her, she lost her partner and her friends and you're rooting for the new girlfriend. She must be gutted.

FlorettaB · 03/08/2022 15:41

’How can I find a nice way of basically saying our friendship was really based around her relationship with Tom (as I say I also don't like the way she treated him and continues to via the DC).’

Don’t say that. Just don’t. YANBU to be happy your friend has a partner you get on with or to stop contact with his ex but there’s no need to say, ‘I was never really your friend anyway and you’re a shitty partner’ however nicely you phrase it.

‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ and ‘we’ve never taken sides’ are probably a better bet.

Original poster
TrickySpot · 03/08/2022 15:41

I will add that I do know Chloe has always had a 'thing' about Sarah as she has been at a few of the parties we've had, special events etc.. but nothing ever happened with her and Tom beyond general chatter at wherever we were. So I think it's a bit jarring to see they are now together, like she's been proved right I guess but I genuinely believe nothing ever happened prior to their relationships ending. They didn't even have each others number until after him and Chloe split.

OP posts:
Original poster
TrickySpot · 03/08/2022 15:42

chickenninja · 03/08/2022 15:39

Ahh I feel bad for Chloe. She probably thinks you've all turned against her, she lost her partner and her friends and you're rooting for the new girlfriend. She must be gutted.

I get this. But I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do about it. As I say, I would have been happy to maintain what we had prior to Tom getting closer to Sarah. But I won't be told I can't see them if that makes sense? I don't want to take sides I never have but if I'm pushed to then it will be Tom's unfortunately.

OP posts:
Thereisnolight · 03/08/2022 15:42

Tom sounds a bit dodgy tbh. Very quick “new(?)” relationship within a short time of leaving his previous partner and DC, on a background of Chloe having been suspicious re other women.

Anyhoo, you don’t personally owe Chloe anything, so no need to stay friends.

TTCMumof1 · 03/08/2022 15:45

You don't need to be friends with anyone you don't want to be... But don't rub salt in the wound.

What if she got back with Tom? You never know with people. Best not to say your piece as you have nothing to gain.

ZaraSizeMedium · 03/08/2022 15:51

It’s a mad coincidence that Chloe always had a “thing” about Sarah, and now Tom has ended up with her, isn’t it. Gosh who would have seen that coming?

Original poster
TrickySpot · 03/08/2022 16:06

ZaraSizeMedium · 03/08/2022 15:51

It’s a mad coincidence that Chloe always had a “thing” about Sarah, and now Tom has ended up with her, isn’t it. Gosh who would have seen that coming?

I appreciate it looks that way. Chloe is quite paranoid though and always has been since I've known her. The behaviours she's displayed in her relationship with Tom would be called controlling if roles were reversed. Her thing with Sarah initially stemmed from a few occasions where they've both been together for example at our DCs christening Sarah is our child's godmother and Tom is their godfather, same with our wedding Sarah was my bridesmaid and Tom the best man. Chloe didn't attend the wedding as she was unwell and was apparently annoyed about pictures of Sarah and Tom 'looking close' (professional photos so nothing dodgy!). He was then made to block her on social media. I've been there before when she's rang him accusing him of being with another woman because he didn't answer a text and things like that. I personally believe him that he's never cheated.

I'm not going to go into every scenario that's made me uneasy about Chloe but there have been a fair few.

I'm not suggesting that Tom and Sarah may have fancied each other over the years, perhaps they did (I guess they must have if they are now seeing each other) but I genuinely believe nothing ever happened other than a minimal friendship at get togethers until they were both single.

Chloe and Tom split early this year, probably around Jan/Feb time. It was mutual. This thing with Sarah is a recent thing and it's not anything serious right now, no one is meeting DC or anything like that. They are just having fun in their spare time at the moment. I don't think that makes him 'dodgy'.

OP posts:
Original poster
TrickySpot · 03/08/2022 16:07

May not have**

OP posts:
GreyTS · 03/08/2022 16:08

Lol 😂 go on do it, tell her you were never really her friend and that you think she is behaving badly in her break up, at least then she'll know. And let's hope you're not wrong when? That it doesn't turn out that 'Tom' is a lousy prick who fucks women around because you can never be certain of the ins and outs of other peoples relationships. Her controlling behaviour may have been precipitated by his wandering dick, or not, but you don't know

Notonthestairs · 03/08/2022 16:12

Just treat her as you'd want to be treated yourself.

Let's face it though it's all quite convenient - your husbands best man and your bridesmaid, controlling Chloe's always had concerns and then...Nobody comes out of this smelling of roses.

Original poster
TrickySpot · 03/08/2022 16:12

GreyTS · 03/08/2022 16:08

Lol 😂 go on do it, tell her you were never really her friend and that you think she is behaving badly in her break up, at least then she'll know. And let's hope you're not wrong when? That it doesn't turn out that 'Tom' is a lousy prick who fucks women around because you can never be certain of the ins and outs of other peoples relationships. Her controlling behaviour may have been precipitated by his wandering dick, or not, but you don't know

I'm just curious. If your female friend told you her male partner had been acting that way, accusing her of things, making her block people, reading her phone, demanding to know where she was all the time and so on... Would you say the same? That you can't be sure it was precipitated by her wandering vagina or would you believe her because she's a woman?

OP posts:
10HailMarys · 03/08/2022 16:13

Chloe appears to be one of those people who thinks a) everyone has to pick a side in a divorce and b) that side must be hers.

I'd just politely say 'Of course you and I were friends, and I had assumed that we still were - but Tom is also my friend, and I wouldn't cut off any friend because of their separation. I'm really sorry you and Tom have split and I know you must be feeling really hurt by the break-up, so if you feel my friendships with Tom and with Sarah mean that you and I can no longer be friends too, I completely understand and accept your choice.'

Original poster
TrickySpot · 03/08/2022 16:14

Notonthestairs · 03/08/2022 16:12

Just treat her as you'd want to be treated yourself.

Let's face it though it's all quite convenient - your husbands best man and your bridesmaid, controlling Chloe's always had concerns and then...Nobody comes out of this smelling of roses.

I agree it is. I do know how it looks. I can't say I'm not happy about it because I think they are both lovely people.

But I was willing to treat Chloe how I'd want to be treated, I was fine with maintaining what we had before Tom and Sarah. But I can't really do that whilst she's saying I've betrayed her and so on can I? What am I supposed to do? Never see Tom and Sarah again?

OP posts:
GonnaGetGoingReturns · 03/08/2022 16:15

I feel sorry for this Chloe person to be honest.

Sarah sounds like a bit of a bitch, waiting in the wings to get with Tom's wandering dick.

Original poster
TrickySpot · 03/08/2022 16:16

10HailMarys · 03/08/2022 16:13

Chloe appears to be one of those people who thinks a) everyone has to pick a side in a divorce and b) that side must be hers.

I'd just politely say 'Of course you and I were friends, and I had assumed that we still were - but Tom is also my friend, and I wouldn't cut off any friend because of their separation. I'm really sorry you and Tom have split and I know you must be feeling really hurt by the break-up, so if you feel my friendships with Tom and with Sarah mean that you and I can no longer be friends too, I completely understand and accept your choice.'

That sounds good I think I'll go with something like that. Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
TrickySpot · 03/08/2022 16:16

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 03/08/2022 16:15

I feel sorry for this Chloe person to be honest.

Sarah sounds like a bit of a bitch, waiting in the wings to get with Tom's wandering dick.

Sarah is just dating single man. She's not a bitch, she didn't even know Chloe.

OP posts:
GonnaGetGoingReturns · 03/08/2022 16:17

Also, put yourself in Chloe's shoes. Say you were Chloe but it was in fact you who divorced your DH and he got involved with another female close friend (who you always had suspicions about). How would you like it if Chloe suddenly drops you like you've done to her? You'd hate it.

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 03/08/2022 16:18

GreyTS · 03/08/2022 16:08

Lol 😂 go on do it, tell her you were never really her friend and that you think she is behaving badly in her break up, at least then she'll know. And let's hope you're not wrong when? That it doesn't turn out that 'Tom' is a lousy prick who fucks women around because you can never be certain of the ins and outs of other peoples relationships. Her controlling behaviour may have been precipitated by his wandering dick, or not, but you don't know

Well, somebody's a bit touchy. Has this hit a nerve at all?

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 03/08/2022 16:19

TrickySpot · 03/08/2022 16:16

Sarah is just dating single man. She's not a bitch, she didn't even know Chloe.

Show quote history

Oh c'mon Sarah must've met Chloe over the years. Or are you Sarah?

Original poster
TrickySpot · 03/08/2022 16:19

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 03/08/2022 16:17

Also, put yourself in Chloe's shoes. Say you were Chloe but it was in fact you who divorced your DH and he got involved with another female close friend (who you always had suspicions about). How would you like it if Chloe suddenly drops you like you've done to her? You'd hate it.

I've not dropped her. As I say in my OP, we still speak and I was happy to carry on with that.

I wouldn't give her shit for also being friends with his new girlfriend though. I can't put her in that position.

OP posts:
Original poster
TrickySpot · 03/08/2022 16:19

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 03/08/2022 16:18

Well, somebody's a bit touchy. Has this hit a nerve at all?

Show quote history

People are just unable to fathom that a woman may actually be controlling and it's not because her partner's a dick.

OP posts:
Original poster
TrickySpot · 03/08/2022 16:20

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 03/08/2022 16:19

Oh c'mon Sarah must've met Chloe over the years. Or are you Sarah?

Show quote history

Yes they've met but they don't know each other, they aren't friends, they've never spoken or met outside of the occasional event of ours that they'd both be at.

OP posts: