Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to cut off this 'friendship'?

70 replies

TrickySpot · 03/08/2022 15:35

Bit of an odd situation here but will try and explain the best I can...

My husband and I have been friends with a Guy, call him Tom for a long time. He was friends with DH first but I've also been good friends with him now since I met DH. He had a long term partner, Chloe, for a number of years and they have children together.

Me and Chloe are quite different and I don't think outside of my friendship with Tom I would have really ever known her or had a friendship with her but over the years we have maintained a semi friendship due to mine and DHs friendship with Tom and we used to get together quite a bit when they were together. I haven't liked the way she treated Tom in the past (jealous and a bit controlling imo, demanding he block women on SM, reading his messages and so on).

Anyway, Tom and Chloe split up earlier this year. I stayed in sort of contact with Chloe to be polite but we don't speak a great deal anymore.

I have a very good friend who was also newly single, Sarah. Her and Tom had met before but more recently in the last few months they have been dating. I'm really happy for them as I love them both 🙂 me DH, Tom and Sarah have been going out as well and doing things together (recently went to a festival together, that sort of thing).

Anyway, Chloe has messaged me about how hurt she is about this and how I'm supposed to be her friend and she feels betrayed.

How can I find a nice way of basically saying our friendship was really based around her relationship with Tom (as I say I also don't like the way she treated him and continues to via the DC).

AIBU to be happy for and encourage this relationship with Sarah even if I was previously friendly with Chloe? I have known Tom for a lot longer and frankly value his friendship much more. I was happy to maintain what I had with Chloe but I'm not being told who I can and can't be with / have to be loyal to.

YANBU - you were friends with Tom first so it's none of Chloe's business.

YABU - you should be loyal to Chloe and stick by her.

OP posts:
Original poster
TrickySpot · 03/08/2022 16:20

Basically Sarah owes Chloe absolutely nothing. She's not a bitch because she's dating the ex of a woman she has been in the same space as a few times.

OP posts:
10HailMarys · 03/08/2022 16:23

GreyTS · 03/08/2022 16:08

Lol 😂 go on do it, tell her you were never really her friend and that you think she is behaving badly in her break up, at least then she'll know. And let's hope you're not wrong when? That it doesn't turn out that 'Tom' is a lousy prick who fucks women around because you can never be certain of the ins and outs of other peoples relationships. Her controlling behaviour may have been precipitated by his wandering dick, or not, but you don't know

I see the 'women can never do anything wrong' crowd have emerged. Do you seriously not think it's possible that Chloe could be a nasty piece of work? Really? You think women are never controlling or paranoid? Wow.

If someone posted on here and said 'My friend's husband was very controlling, went through her phone a lot and made her delete her male friends from social media. They've split up and she's just started dating a really lovely guy who is actually a friend of my DP's. Now my friend's husband has messaged me to say that we're being disloyal to him by not cutting off my friend and her new partner' you would absolutely not be saying 'Well, obviously she must be a bit of a slag if her husband kept going through her phone so all this is her fault and you should be soothing her angry husband.'

Even if it transpires that Tom does have a wandering eye, it's still absolutely none of Chloe's business whether the OP chooses to remain friends with him or not.

I also think that Chloe's message to the OP very much suggests that she has a tendency to be controlling and possessive.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 03/08/2022 16:23

TrickySpot · 03/08/2022 16:06

I appreciate it looks that way. Chloe is quite paranoid though and always has been since I've known her. The behaviours she's displayed in her relationship with Tom would be called controlling if roles were reversed. Her thing with Sarah initially stemmed from a few occasions where they've both been together for example at our DCs christening Sarah is our child's godmother and Tom is their godfather, same with our wedding Sarah was my bridesmaid and Tom the best man. Chloe didn't attend the wedding as she was unwell and was apparently annoyed about pictures of Sarah and Tom 'looking close' (professional photos so nothing dodgy!). He was then made to block her on social media. I've been there before when she's rang him accusing him of being with another woman because he didn't answer a text and things like that. I personally believe him that he's never cheated.

I'm not going to go into every scenario that's made me uneasy about Chloe but there have been a fair few.

I'm not suggesting that Tom and Sarah may have fancied each other over the years, perhaps they did (I guess they must have if they are now seeing each other) but I genuinely believe nothing ever happened other than a minimal friendship at get togethers until they were both single.

Chloe and Tom split early this year, probably around Jan/Feb time. It was mutual. This thing with Sarah is a recent thing and it's not anything serious right now, no one is meeting DC or anything like that. They are just having fun in their spare time at the moment. I don't think that makes him 'dodgy'.

Show quote history

I was trying to bold something in your original post but here goes:

"Her thing with Sarah initially stemmed from occasions when they've both been together"

so they must know each other even if they aren't 'friends'.

10HailMarys · 03/08/2022 16:29

Sarah sounds like a bit of a bitch, waiting in the wings to get with Tom's wandering dick.

Fucking hell, there's some bitter people on this thread.

Sarah was a single woman who met a single man. End of story.

Sarah isn't Chloe's friend. She owes Chloe's friend nothing. Even if Sarah has fancied Tom for twenty bloody years, she isn't doing anything wrong by dating him now that he's single. Are you seriously saying that it's morally wrong to date a single man because he has had a previous relationship with someone you don't know but might have seen at the same party once or twice? Jeez. Grow up.

Original poster
TrickySpot · 03/08/2022 16:29

Well yes in a literal sense of the word, they "know" each other. That's not what I meant and I think you know that. They aren't friends, they are just two people who have been at the same events a few times over the years. She doesn't owe Chloe anything.

OP posts:
SpiderVersed · 03/08/2022 16:37

@10HailMarys has nailed it. “I had assumed we were staying friends and not taking sides. However, if my friendship with Sarah means you and I can’t remain friends, I will understand.”

ZaraSizeMedium · 03/08/2022 16:47

They didn't even have each others number until after him and Chloe split.

And yet they had each other on social media until Chloe stepped in and “made” him block her.

Aye right.

It’s clear from your posts that it’s all worked out just peachy for you anyway, so yeah, tell Chloe that you were only really friends with her because of Tom just to stick the boot in that little bit more.

10HailMarys · 03/08/2022 16:48

ZaraSizeMedium · 03/08/2022 16:47

They didn't even have each others number until after him and Chloe split.

And yet they had each other on social media until Chloe stepped in and “made” him block her.

Aye right.

It’s clear from your posts that it’s all worked out just peachy for you anyway, so yeah, tell Chloe that you were only really friends with her because of Tom just to stick the boot in that little bit more.

Hi Chloe!

Expatpregnant · 03/08/2022 16:49

Is Chloe ‘paranoid’ or did she have a hunch about her husband and another woman that turned out to be correct?

I assume you’ve only heard the ‘she’s crazy’ stories from Tom?

Original poster
TrickySpot · 03/08/2022 16:50

ZaraSizeMedium · 03/08/2022 16:47

They didn't even have each others number until after him and Chloe split.

And yet they had each other on social media until Chloe stepped in and “made” him block her.

Aye right.

It’s clear from your posts that it’s all worked out just peachy for you anyway, so yeah, tell Chloe that you were only really friends with her because of Tom just to stick the boot in that little bit more.

Do you have the phone number of everyone you've had on Facebook? Confused

OP posts:
ZaraSizeMedium · 03/08/2022 16:53

TrickySpot · 03/08/2022 16:50

Do you have the phone number of everyone you've had on Facebook? Confused

Show quote history

No but your whole “oh they barely knew each other until Tim was single” is totally disingenuous.

Original poster
TrickySpot · 03/08/2022 16:53

Expatpregnant · 03/08/2022 16:49

Is Chloe ‘paranoid’ or did she have a hunch about her husband and another woman that turned out to be correct?

I assume you’ve only heard the ‘she’s crazy’ stories from Tom?

What I have heard is what a friend has trust has told me and things I have seen from knowing Chloe myself.

Should I be less inclined to believe a friend because he has a penis? Would you question a female friend if they told you their husband was being controlling?

OP posts:
Original poster
TrickySpot · 03/08/2022 16:55

ZaraSizeMedium · 03/08/2022 16:53

No but your whole “oh they barely knew each other until Tim was single” is totally disingenuous.

Show quote history

How is it? They knew each other but they weren't close, they weren't even what I would class as friends. Friendly acquaintances with close mutual friends. I have plenty of those on my Facebook. If my husband said he had to 'step in' and 'make' me block any of them I'd think he were being a twat.

OP posts:
Snog · 03/08/2022 16:55

Maybe just say I'm sorry Chloe I know it can be difficult when your ex has a new partner.

Original poster
TrickySpot · 03/08/2022 16:55

Friend I trust*

OP posts:
Original poster
TrickySpot · 03/08/2022 16:56

Snog · 03/08/2022 16:55

Maybe just say I'm sorry Chloe I know it can be difficult when your ex has a new partner.

Thanks. I think I'll go something like that adding what PPs said above that if my friendship with Tom and Sarah means she feels unable to be my friend I'll understand.

OP posts:
Expatpregnant · 03/08/2022 16:58

@TrickySpot Of course I would - I just know a lot of men that use the ‘my ex is crazy card’ without acknowledging how their behaviour contributed to it.

Assuming Chloe, didn’t stop Tom from having any female friends (real life or social media) then it seems a big coincidence she had a fear about Sarah? Who is now dating shortly after they broke up. And she’s been replaced in the cosy couple friendship by someone she had a suspicion about.

You clearly don’t like Chloe so just end the friendship. That’s a good enough reason!

KettrickenSmiled · 03/08/2022 16:58

Notonthestairs · 03/08/2022 16:12

Just treat her as you'd want to be treated yourself.

Let's face it though it's all quite convenient - your husbands best man and your bridesmaid, controlling Chloe's always had concerns and then...Nobody comes out of this smelling of roses.

What are you on about?

Tom split with Chloe back in January/February this year, & has only just recently started dating Sarah. Should he have sworn to become a monk, in case some random on the internet decided to sneer about him moving onto a new relationship several months after finishing his last?

Original poster
TrickySpot · 03/08/2022 17:00

Can I just clarify as well Sarah was the only situation Chloe was paranoid about. I added that as it believed it to be relevant but there were other scenarios too other than this.

OP posts:
Original poster
TrickySpot · 03/08/2022 17:01

WASN'T THE ONLY* godsake 😂

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 03/08/2022 17:02

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 03/08/2022 16:15

I feel sorry for this Chloe person to be honest.

Sarah sounds like a bit of a bitch, waiting in the wings to get with Tom's wandering dick.

Is Sarah also supposed to have signed up to celibacy way back in January this year, when Tom & Sarah split? Is ANY woman who previously knew an attached man socially. not allowed to date him - even 6 months after he's split with his previous g/f?

Not sure why you feel sorry for Chloe. If she were a man, her behaviour would have PP calling for a Clare's Law application.

Expatpregnant · 03/08/2022 17:06

This is like my friend who claimed her boyfriend was ‘paranoid’ about a man she worked with. She is now married to that man.

Not sure people knowing the definition of paranoid. Posters on here are always told to listen to their ‘spidey senses’ and nip things in the bud if their worried.

Original poster
TrickySpot · 03/08/2022 17:08

Expatpregnant · 03/08/2022 17:06

This is like my friend who claimed her boyfriend was ‘paranoid’ about a man she worked with. She is now married to that man.

Not sure people knowing the definition of paranoid. Posters on here are always told to listen to their ‘spidey senses’ and nip things in the bud if their worried.

As I said this is not the only scenario that has made me feel uneasy about Chloe.

I don't want this thread to turn into me going into detail about things I've witnessed or heard about regarding Chloe being controlling / not very nice but I think it's coming across like this issue with Sarah is the ONLY thing meaning there must be a reason.

It wasn't the only issue, there were plenty more occasions where her behaviour was not okay imo.

OP posts:
Crayfishforyou · 03/08/2022 17:11

‘I’m really sorry you feel that way Chloe, I don’t want to take sides. I would like to stay friends with everyone’

Teddeh · 03/08/2022 17:12

I'd just tell Chloe that you understand that her relationship with Tom ended by mutual consent. You know that they have both moved on, and you wish them both well. In any future circumstances where Chloe would want to include a new partner or potential partner (or any companion) to an event where she's invited, you would support and facilitate that - just as you do when Tom invites Sarah, or vice versa.

It's of course relevant that Sarah is a close friend of yours and in fact you may be including Tom MORE than you would have when he was with Chloe. If Chloe's complaining that you included Tom in something she was not previously included in as Tom's partner, it's perfectly OK to say "Sarah invited/brought him."

Or just cut Chloe out, if you're so inclined.

Swipe left for the next trending thread