AIBU to cut off this 'friendship'?

[TrickySpot]

Bit of an odd situation here but will try and explain the best I can...

My husband and I have been friends with a Guy, call him Tom for a long time. He was friends with DH first but I've also been good friends with him now since I met DH. He had a long term partner, Chloe, for a number of years and they have children together.

Me and Chloe are quite different and I don't think outside of my friendship with Tom I would have really ever known her or had a friendship with her but over the years we have maintained a semi friendship due to mine and DHs friendship with Tom and we used to get together quite a bit when they were together. I haven't liked the way she treated Tom in the past (jealous and a bit controlling imo, demanding he block women on SM, reading his messages and so on).

Anyway, Tom and Chloe split up earlier this year. I stayed in sort of contact with Chloe to be polite but we don't speak a great deal anymore.

I have a very good friend who was also newly single, Sarah. Her and Tom had met before but more recently in the last few months they have been dating. I'm really happy for them as I love them both 🙂 me DH, Tom and Sarah have been going out as well and doing things together (recently went to a festival together, that sort of thing).

Anyway, Chloe has messaged me about how hurt she is about this and how I'm supposed to be her friend and she feels betrayed.

How can I find a nice way of basically saying our friendship was really based around her relationship with Tom (as I say I also don't like the way she treated him and continues to via the DC).

AIBU to be happy for and encourage this relationship with Sarah even if I was previously friendly with Chloe? I have known Tom for a lot longer and frankly value his friendship much more. I was happy to maintain what I had with Chloe but I'm not being told who I can and can't be with / have to be loyal to.

YANBU - you were friends with Tom first so it's none of Chloe's business.

YABU - you should be loyal to Chloe and stick by her.

Hang on - you say Sarah was the 'only' situation that Chloe was paranoid about yet you also say Chloe said to Tom that he should block women/delete messages etc. See that's where I do think that Tom (not saying it 100%) may have had a slightly wandering eye. I don't know him, so can't say for sure.

It does seem though, that Chloe's not really your type of person and it's very convenient this situation with Tom and Sarah has come along so you can just bin Chloe off and say it's because she's sore at Sarah and Tom dating. If you're going to do that, then just tell her you want to end the friendship. She'll be hurt but at least she can move on from this 'friendship' and so can you.

I clarified in my post right underneath that one that I meant WASN'T the only situation.

Yes, but OP doesn't really want to stay friends with Chloe, she's moreorless said in her OP that she was friends with her because of their mutual partners and Chloe wouldn't be the sort of person she'd be friends with usually.

I agree that Chloe's behaviour does sound controlling and not nice to witness.

However, I also feel that OP has maybe in Chloe's mind, led Chloe to believe that she has more of a friendship with OP than she thinks she has, and this is why it hurts Chloe, because there wasn't really a friendship (or not a close one at all) with Chloe and OP in the first place!

You know, maybe if you don't drip feed so much, maybe people can follow your posts more, rather than have to read every post of yours.

You seem very much a flakey type of person, says one thing to someone's face and another thing to their back, so I'd just bin Chloe off, like I said. She'll get over it.

What the fuck are you talking about, drip feeding? I said in my OP that she was jealous and controlling imo. I clarified later on that Sarah wasn't the only situation she was jealous and controlling about because people were so focused on that as if it was the only thing.

If you can't be arsed to read my posts don't do so but it's hardly drip feeding when it's right there in my OP 😂

Op, you asked for advice and have had some good wording suggested.

Based on the details you’ve shared, posters have formed opinions that it just all seems very convenient. And it’s understandable Chloe is hurt.

You dislike Chloe (you are at pain to convince us of her ‘badness’ and how wonderful Tom and Sarah are. So use the wording suggested and no longer be friends with her.

With ‘friends’ like you (starting internet threads highlighting their unlikeable traits) who needs enemies!

You seem very much a flakey type of person

You just seem like the type of person who struggles with the fact women aren't always perfect and may actually behave wrongly in relationship.

I would try to be kind, ultimately the friendship will fizzle out naturally anyway so no need to be harsh in your response.

"Splitting with Tom must have been hard and I hope you're doing ok. I'm sorry if you're finding it tough that he's now with Sarah, hopefully you can understand I'm friends with you both so naturally there will be times when I hang out with them."

Either you can't read or you said that you clarified in a post underneath your OP.

I stand by exactly what I said. Yes, I agreed Chloe should be less controlling etc. Yes, I could see how that could put strain on their relationship.

But don't think you're some kind of perfect friend to Chloe and what you're doing might upset her. I don't know you in real life, I don't know her.

@Expatpregnant - agreed - with friends like OP - who indeed does need enemies.

But OP states that Sarah and Tom have been dating for a few months. So there's either be an overlap or a very very short gap between one relationship ending and the other starting. Put of respect, I'd leave a bit of a gap between relationships but I get that my idea of respect and other peoples, especially men, isn't always the same.

Hi OP

I don't actually think you are being unreasonable but I have been in Chloes shoes and it was gut wrenching. Even now, looking back seeing his friendship group delighting in one of them getting together with him 'at last' can bring on the tears as I remember the hurt. I thought I was going to marry him! I liked his friends but wasn't really friends with them myself yet I picture them wanting me out the way to get together with her. That humiliating feeling is still there despite having absolutely none for him anymore.

One of them once text me around Christmas time saying she hoped I found happiness which I really appreciated. A little bit of kindness helped.

Despite how some posters interpreted my earlier post I didn't suggest Tom live like a monk and I didn't quibble the timings.

I did suggest it was convenient outcome which I think the Op has broadly acknowledged.

Op - you didn't ask for advice about this but I'll say it anyway. Our best man got in to a relationship with our bridesmaid. It was lovely, very happy for them and I won't lie it was super handy for a great night out. Until the lighthearted fling went wrong and then it was super difficult - I'm sure you can imagine the rest. It took years to settle back down to an easy state for both of them. Tread a bit carefully (as much as you can), you've got friendships you clearly value to preserve.

As for Chloe you've had some good advice as to how best to extricate yourself. I imagine (much, much later) Chloe will probably recognise that your primary relationship was always with Tom.

For all her faults Tom chose Chloe to be the mother of his kids!

It's understandable that she is feeling betrayed & lashing out.

Isn't she just telling you how she feels and that she has realised that you are not her friend?

Not sure a reply is necessary.

If she knows that you have been going out as a four with Tom & Sarah she knows where you stand on the situation!

I wouldn't tell you were only friends with her because of tom - that would be hurtful. I would just say that you are in an awkward situation because your DH is friends with Tom (and it is always difficult when people break up) and that you are still there for her. Then hope that she meets someone else and drifts away.

I don't really understand why some posters are so hung up on when Sarah and Tom got together. The OP isn't Sarah or Tom. She didn't have a say in how they felt about each other and when they chose to start dating. If she had done, now that would really have been weird and controlling. Friends generally let their adult friends work out their own relationships with other people....

I agree with the past suggestions for what to write. I would go with saying you are sorry she feels like that and that you understand it must be difficult to see him in a new relationship, but that as you are friends with both him and Sarah, it is natural for you to see them both. I would be clear and not invite for discussion, but try to say it with some understanding of her situation. Regarding her friendship with you, I suspect it will gradually fade away in time without you doing anything.

I'd be tempted to just ignore Chloe

It's a truism that a breakup shows you who your real friends are. Your connection with Chloe was via your friend, and they are no longer together.

There really isn't anything you can say.

If you were face to face, and pushed for a response, I'd fall back on 'thank you for letting me know how you feel'. I still wouldn't say anything else.

What is there to say ?

For all her faults Tom chose Chloe to be the mother of his kids!

Comments like this come across off to me. Like no woman has ever chosen an abusive man to be the father of their kids, but no one would ever question that as it's a bit... victim blamey isn't it?

Him having children with her doesn't mean she wasn't controlling.

At the end of the day op, Sarah is your friend in a way that Chloe isn’t. Chloe is a friend by association - we all have them, sometimes these friendships develop but in your case this one hasn’t. Of course you’re going to prioritise your longer term friend (and Godmother to your dc). Chloe actually seems a bit batshit for thinking that you wouldn’t socialise with Sarah because it might hurt her feelings.

I agree you should be as kind as possible as she’s obviously hurting, but you’re doing nothing wrong here. And who fancied who and how and when the relationship started has absolutely nothing to do with this. I might not agree with all of my friends choices, but I don’t judge them because they are my friends.

Don’t kick a woman when she’s down.

just message her to say that you’ve never taken sides and you don’t want to get involved in anyone’s relationship

Typical MN. Posters bending over backwards trying to paint Tom as the villain. Women can be controlling arseholes too. This Chloe is yet again proving her controlling ways by trying to control your friendship now. I would sympathize with her situation but not explain yourself to her. You don't really need to see her or have much to do with her after this, so no need to get drawn into her issues.