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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he maybe was the man of my life but I married someone else?

89 replies

crispytowel · 03/08/2022 12:54

This is VERY long so I'll try to keep it short.
15 years ago I moved to the UK fine another EU country. Fell head over heels for someone , married him, had two children with him. Love and passion continued for a few years, then I had PND with my first and although I did recover, our relationship significantly changed after having children. We are both very independent people so we like to have our space but it feels like we have now created perhaps too much of it between us.

Back when I was 16 yo and in sec school my desk mate had a huge crush on me and continued to for many years after. We continued to keep in touch for the past 25 years and I always wondered whether he was the one but I was always too restless to settled down before my current husband. Fast forward to now, we are in my home country for a holiday and I've met up with my old friend and we still like each other SO much. He's also married with children. We ended up having sex which was so wrong but almost felt impossible to avoid. Now I KNOW this needs to stop and we have put a stop to it. We also live in different countries which obviously will help. But I'm sitting here crying missing him instead. I don't know what I'm asking for - if you want to attack me for my actions I don't mind, just not what I'm hoping to get here. Anyone ever been in a similar place? Thanks xx

OP posts:

ChagSameachDoreen · 03/08/2022 13:05

Do you want to split up two families?

Original poster

crispytowel · 03/08/2022 13:05

No.. I really don’t

OP posts:

Mamai90 · 03/08/2022 13:07

I've been in a similar position but decided to work on my marriage instead. It was hard initially because I really missed the other person. Now 7 years later I can't tell you how glad I am that I stuck with my husband, we got over our issues and I'm so grateful he stayed.

My advice is to work on your marriage unless you honestly think it's dead in the water. The grass usually isn't greener and especially because there are children involved.

bubblescoop · 03/08/2022 13:08

It wasn’t impossible to avoid. You’re just selfish and cruel and don’t give a shit about your partner or family.

Original poster

crispytowel · 03/08/2022 13:11

Thanks for this @Mamai90
did you tell your husband about your crush? I think part of me knows I need to work on my marriage, and that this is literally a crush which will pass with time. So hard to suffer on my own though. Can’t tell anyone. And I know @bubblescoop, I am in no way proud of my actions, believe me

OP posts:

bubblescoop · 03/08/2022 13:14

And I know @bubblescoop, I am in no way proud of my actions, believe me

You said you don’t mind if people “attack” you for your actions in your OP because you really don’t care.

You say you’re “not proud” yet make excuses about it being “impossible”?

Take some responsibility. Tell your husband and let him decide your fate. I suspect you aren’t going to do that though. People like you never do.

EmmetEmma · 03/08/2022 13:34

I don’t agree with telling your husband - that is hurting him unnecessarily.

it feels amazing right now with this other man - but those are pretend feelings - honestly. It will pass, it sucks right now. Throw yourself into every single thing you can to dull the pain.

Once you have distance evaluate what is missing in your marriage and try and fix it. If you really can’t fix it then divorce.

Do not trust the feelings you have right now - they are about so much more than this other man.

florianfortescue · 03/08/2022 13:44

EmmetEmma · 03/08/2022 13:34

I don’t agree with telling your husband - that is hurting him unnecessarily.

it feels amazing right now with this other man - but those are pretend feelings - honestly. It will pass, it sucks right now. Throw yourself into every single thing you can to dull the pain.

Once you have distance evaluate what is missing in your marriage and try and fix it. If you really can’t fix it then divorce.

Do not trust the feelings you have right now - they are about so much more than this other man.

This is incredibly wise advice. Don't do anything rash. It's easy to romanticise this experience but extra-marital affairs destroy lives.

HaveringWavering · 03/08/2022 13:51

It's not right to minimise it as a "crush" when you slept with the man. That is a very serious betrayal of your husband.

How would you feel if you knew your husband had had sex with another woman?

If you would not be bothered, end the marriage.

You need to examine your marriage very closely and decide whether it should continue. As others have said, try to do this without the affair partner being a factor.

Perhaps he will do the same. If you both split, you can take you chances at a relationship then and only then. After all, it took decades to get to this, if he does end his marriage he'll probably stay available to you for quite a lot of time to come. No rush.

Original poster

crispytowel · 03/08/2022 17:31

Thanks everyone. I spoke with the other guy and we have decided to cut contact completely. I feel heartbroken but I know it will pass. So hard not to be able to talk to anyone about this. I know lots of people will judge me for what I've done but this has been bloody hard.

OP posts:

Maggie178 · 03/08/2022 17:43

When my marriage was having a rocky patch I bumped into a a guy I had a crush on in school. I told him how crazy I used to be about him and we started messaging. He talked about meeting up but I decided against it. My husband found out and was heart broken but we decided to work on our marriage. I still think about him but honestly I think the fantasy is better than the reality. The start of any relationship is intense, exciting and passionate. The reality is no relationship is perfect and it wouldn't be with the other guy just a different set of issues. Work on your marriage.

Johnnysgirl · 03/08/2022 17:45

You live in different countries. It was perfectly possible to avoid.

Original poster

crispytowel · 03/08/2022 17:49

I know @Johnnysgirl
But the background is that this guy has been "there" all the way.. always always looking at me like no one ever has.. even when I was doing pretty awful things. When I was 16 I set an alarm on my phone to remind myself to marry him 10 years later. I've always had that thought in the back of my head, that after doing my thing I'd go back to him.. and when we started messaging a couple of months ago again it was like we were back right there where we always were. It's not lust, it's not need to change.. I literally wonder whether I should have been with him..:

OP posts:

GreenManalishi · 03/08/2022 17:52

It will pass.

SammyScrounge · 03/08/2022 18:04

When a marriage is going through a dry spell it's common for a woman to hark back to a young fresh period of her life and to that young love. That is probably what is happening here. The past boyfriend never had the chance to irritate you, or shoulder the responsibilities your husband does, because he was just a boy and you were just a girl.
The idea that this boyfriend was your perfect love is a delusion. No doubt he has irritating habits too, no doubt he will forget romance sometimes when he is worried or stressed.
Your children and his children have been ignored in the dream passion you temporarily lived in. Time to remember them again and move out of delusion and into reality.

HaveringWavering · 03/08/2022 18:06

Can you imagine your children not existing?

That is what the reality would be if you had been with this other man all along.

Original poster

crispytowel · 03/08/2022 18:11

@GreenManalishi @SammyScrounge
Thanks for both points. Yes I think I can see what you are saying re love is perfect at the beginning, it's idealised etc. And no, can't imagine not having my children. Gonna have a glass of wine and start behaving like a grown up again I guess

OP posts:

Softplayhooray · 03/08/2022 18:12

crispytowel · 03/08/2022 13:11

OP this crush won't just pass, you've created a lifelong romantic story for it now, you're separated by distance, it is a forbidden love, and all that. You'll just keep heightening the intensity day after day. You've created the ultimate fantasy in your mind. The reality is he still farts and leaves smelly socks on the floor.

As we all know it's not the reality - I think you need to separate immediately from your DH. And have an honest chat with this man, tell him you've left your husband and what does he want? My guess is he will be scared silly and thought this was just a holiday fling because you live far away in another country.

minipie · 03/08/2022 18:19

This guy was always available to you but you weren’t interested for years. He was just a back up option for you after “doing your thing”. You’re only interested now you’re long married, a bit bored of your marriage and he’s “forbidden fruit”. That’s the reality here. You’re not star crossed lovers.

Cut contact and work on your marriage.

Runwalkskijump · 03/08/2022 18:20

crispytowel · 03/08/2022 17:31

You need to tell your DH to give him the chance to test for STI and to decide if he can get over what you have done.

As for 'it was impossible to avoid' shagging someone behind your DH back. That is absolute rubbish and terrible behaviour. Of course you could have avoided it. I presume you didn't accident fall on top of him. 🙄

Original poster

crispytowel · 03/08/2022 18:23

@minipie your message struck a cord. I'll have a think about it
@Runwalkskijump we very much wanted it and knew the consequences. Thanks for the STD comment but I think we are covered.

OP posts:

Staynow · 03/08/2022 18:24

EmmetEmma · 03/08/2022 13:34

I don’t agree with telling your husband - that is hurting him unnecessarily.

it feels amazing right now with this other man - but those are pretend feelings - honestly. It will pass, it sucks right now. Throw yourself into every single thing you can to dull the pain.

Once you have distance evaluate what is missing in your marriage and try and fix it. If you really can’t fix it then divorce.

Do not trust the feelings you have right now - they are about so much more than this other man.

It's not hurting him unnecessarily - she's already done that. She's betrayed him and if she's going to stay with him then he deserves to know, it's not like it was just a kiss or a meet up, she shagged the other bloke. And it wasn't impossible for you not to do it OP, that's just bullshit to make you feel better, you just completely selfishly wanted to and so you did.

Either end things with your husband or tell him what happened and let him decide, he deserves to be making informed decisions.

Personally I think you should go for the married bloke OP, I think you deserve each other. Two cheating scumbags. More likely though you'll just go back to your husband and add lying to your cheating scumbag title instead.

Original poster

crispytowel · 03/08/2022 18:27

@Staynow
I get why you think I'm a lying scumbag. It's just I really struggle to see life so in black and white. I wish I did though

OP posts:

Johnnysgirl · 03/08/2022 18:28

crispytowel · 03/08/2022 18:23

@minipie your message struck a cord. I'll have a think about it
@Runwalkskijump we very much wanted it and knew the consequences. Thanks for the STD comment but I think we are covered.

You're still pushing the star crossed lovers thing, op.
The reality is that it's a "grass is greener" thing...

dottiedodah · 03/08/2022 18:29

Tbh I often think the one may be different people. You knew this guy beforehand and didn't act on it. You have dc and lots of marriages get into a rut .kids work and so on .meet up with an old flame and bang . You have distance now work on your marriage. It can be done

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