To think he maybe was the man of my life but I married someone else?

[crispytowel]

This is VERY long so I'll try to keep it short.
15 years ago I moved to the UK fine another EU country. Fell head over heels for someone , married him, had two children with him. Love and passion continued for a few years, then I had PND with my first and although I did recover, our relationship significantly changed after having children. We are both very independent people so we like to have our space but it feels like we have now created perhaps too much of it between us.

Back when I was 16 yo and in sec school my desk mate had a huge crush on me and continued to for many years after. We continued to keep in touch for the past 25 years and I always wondered whether he was the one but I was always too restless to settled down before my current husband. Fast forward to now, we are in my home country for a holiday and I've met up with my old friend and we still like each other SO much. He's also married with children. We ended up having sex which was so wrong but almost felt impossible to avoid. Now I KNOW this needs to stop and we have put a stop to it. We also live in different countries which obviously will help. But I'm sitting here crying missing him instead. I don't know what I'm asking for - if you want to attack me for my actions I don't mind, just not what I'm hoping to get here. Anyone ever been in a similar place? Thanks xx

Me, me, me.

Well I guess you will find out how you really feel when DH sniffs out the cheating won’t you? Maybe it’s better to just break the news to him now and get it over with.

I think it's the case of the 'grass is greener'. Figure out what you want from your current husband and life first

Then why on earth did you marry someone else? If your husband wrote all this about another girl you wouldn’t like that I imagine. Loyalty must be paper thin to you I guess. Never should have married. Terrible woman. It’s almost worse to me that you plan to just pack up the entire encounter and pretend it didn’t happen. Did your husband’s feelings ever matter in the end? Love is perfect at first and then it’s not? I’ve been with mine for 13 years and our feelings haven’t changed. I hope you get exactly what you want from mister perfect. Hope he leaves his wife and kids and you leave your husband and kids and then mister perfect does the exact same thing you’re doing, to your DH, to you.

Op, kindly, you need to wake up. Or maybe grow up. By that I mean you need to mature.

Do you really believe this man’s wife, never finds real life boring with him either? Normal every day life, with kids and jobs and a house to run. Do you really believe that if he moved to the UK and you lived together with your kids, that one day in the future you wouldn’t wake up and think ‘this isn’t that exciting now normal life has kicked in’.

The ‘I am a restless soul’ rubbish is essentially you saying ‘I don’t like my life and responsibilities I chose to take on’.

If you are unhappy in your marriage, you don’t have to stay in it. But that doesn’t mean that you must then run straight to this man. Have you thought about, sensibly, how that would work? Who is living country? Who is leaving their kids and their entire life behind and , in this fantasy?

I remember once having a crush on a married man. And it was, I think, reciprocated. Absolutely not pursued. I remember thinking what it would be like to be with him and my conclusion was ‘fucking awful’. He would have needed to move to me, so hardly seeing his kids. Or his kids or him spend loads of time travelling. His wife would probably have to pick up the majority of the childcare, as that’s what usually happens I would feel like a piece of crap for imploding her life and leaving her with most of the work. The kids would probably hate me and I wouldn’t blame them. My kids wouldn’t enjoy having another 2 kids (that they barely know) living with us at weekends or the school holidays. I have 2 kids. I don’t want and never wanted 4.

and quite frankly, I wouldn’t want a man willing to upsticks and abandon his wife and children, for new (seemingly) exciting woman. Real life would kick in and it would be shit for everyone. The alternative would be he stays where he lives and we barely see each other. Or I move to him and leave my kids behind. Would never happen.

If my kids Dad moved away to be with a new woman, I would be disgusted with him. So why would I want a man who would do the same? As a result of thinking about reality, it really cooled the crush and I cut contact. I know him through work, so if he does contact me now, I funnel his requests through my team and the crush has gone.

You think you know him. You don’t. You know who he was and you know who he appears to be when his attention to you is sporadic and a distraction from his normal life. You know who he is when he using you for a bit of excitement. When you are the secret. When it feels exciting and risky. You have no clue who he is when you spend everyday for years with him. Except, you know he is willing to cheat on his wife.

I do think you need to tell your husband. It is a moral issue, for me. Your husband consented to be in a monogamous relationship. You have been having an emotional affair for years and and, now, a physical one. That’s not the circumstances he consented to. He has a right to know the full circumstance so he can choose wether he still consents to be in the relationship. It’s wrong and disrespectful, to keep him in the dark in my opinion.

and to be honest, if you were a man posting that he cheated on his wife no one would tell you to keep it quiet. There’s also a chance that he tells his wife or she finds out. Then finds a way to contact your husband. It would be so much worse if you did this AND hid it.

Could not agree more.

FFS, grow up. Your husband and family deserve far, far more.

You need to understand that your brain will play tricks on you in order to get a chemical high.

When the man in your home country was a safe bet, he didn’t flood your brain with dopamine. The ‘exotic’, fast-living, dangerous boyfriend did. So you married him. In time, familiarity and routine replace that dopamine kick. In its place, should be an established, loving, respectful relationship which although not as exciting, is more meaningful and long-lasting.

When you returned to your home country, you reversed your past. Suddenly, the exciting guy is the stable, dependable, yet dull man whilst the other guy, now forbidden fruit, is suddenly fun, exciting, thrilling… oh no! Is this the guy I should have been with, you ask. No! It’s brain chemicals! You’re chasing the high, like a drug. This too will wear off, and what will be left is two devastated and torn families.

You need to quit the drug. You need to block the home country guy on all social media, delete his number from your phone, set his emails to spam. You do not give him an explanation as he does not need one. Just do it. Get rid of anything else you have from him. Cards, past letters, photos. Everything.

You need to commit to your marriage. Do not tell your husband what has happened, but explain you want to shake up your marriage for the better and explore together how you might do that.

You say you had PND. Perhaps explore with your GP whether you have been successfully treated for it. The dopamine-searching might be partly a response to this part of you that has not yet healed. That does not excuse your behaviour, but might at least go some way to explaining it. You might need some further help in balancing your brain chemistry.

Please try and see this for what it is. A drug-induced fantasy. Do everything you can to commit to your marriage and your children.

Does that mean you’re going to tell your H? Because if you don’t, you’re not getting any consequences are you?

Sex impossible to avoid? How disengenuous and self indulgent you sound.

if you want to attack me for my actions I don't mind, just not what I'm hoping to get here.

Somehow I never believe it when people post this. People know exactly what they are going to get from an op like this one. On some level they must get something out of it as the reponses are completely predictable.

There is no ‘the one’

there is only varying levels of compatibility and willingness to work at it

This fantasy pedalled in literature of ‘the one true love’ is nonsensical and damaging.

Put your kids needs first for now.
There will be time for doing these your way and to suit you and it’s not when your kids still need you to parent them instead of disappearing off into a damaging fantasy

All very sad coming from someone who considered/considers herself wild and free and does indeed drop her knickers at the first chance.

As it’s almost 5 months later you can bet the OP hasn’t told her DH or left him and she may very well be back in her home country for the festive season having another furtive shag (or a few) with her high school crush, kidding herself they’re Burton and Taylor… . And yes OP, you’re a bored wife, nothing more, nothing less.

Most people but also women I’ve known who’ve “had affairs” seem to love to blur lines. One friend/colleague got married too young to someone who became a friend but rather than sort things out or end the marriage/separate had a fling with a colleague, loads of furtive meetings, including trying to drag him back to a hotel room we shared on a Christmas party/trip which was an overnight one due to distance. I was really pissed off with her at that and said no you’re not shagging him in our shared twin room, go back to his room. Turned out the colleague who had an affair, his wife was depressed and on anti depressants, wonder why?!

Wow some people have zero boundaries. Can’t blame you for sending them back. Selfish people!

Look OP it’s not like I don’t get it. I was a closeted bisexual in school. There were several girls I grew close to and fell deeply in love with but didn’t allow myself the chance to pursue because my parents were extremely homophobic. They would have disowned me.

I certainly love my husband he’s a wonderful man. But there was one girl in particular that stood out to me and I got the whole what if thing happening to me too. But it was more of a hallow saddened cry.

We were in our mid twenties by then. We were best friends in middle school and high school. I have never been with a woman before. By the time I accepted that part of myself I was deeply in love with my husband. But at that point I realized the only reason I was able to accept my bisexuality was BECAUSE of my husband loving me, being kind to me and teaching me to love and accept myself.

I had a chance to pursue her but I decided against it. We are still best friends and we now have children and husband of our own that are the same age. Instead we have had an opportunity to enjoy motherhood together which in my opinion is the universe giving us a second chance to love each other platonically.

I think when we have these weak moments in our life if we stand back there is a chance for us to learn something about ourselves and what we want out of life and realize what is truly important to us. For myself it was my husband and my child that are important to me.